Category: life

Yes I Am Still Going To Vegas

My plane leaves for Las Vegas in less two weeks.  I’m excited, but also have a heavy heart.  My heart goes out to everyone that was at the music festival and I pray for everyone daily, but my trip has been planned since April and I am going.  There are three reasons why that I will share with you below.

  1.  I’m not letting some random dead guy (there are plenty of other words I could use describe this guy, but he’s not worth the time or effort so I’m just calling him dead guy) dictate what I’m going to do, where I am going to go and when I’m going to do it.  The reality is that if the right person is in the same place I am I can get shot anywhere….at work, at the grocery store, in my home, etc.  I think every time a shooting happens we are more aware of how it can happen anywhere and at anytime.  Unfortunately I can’t hide from it.  It sucks, but this is reality.  It makes us realize how vulnerable we are and how precious life is and lives are.  I can’t stop living,  live in fear or stop doing what I love just because there are people like the dead guy out there.  People like him scare the shit out of me, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life.

2.  Vegas is a tourist town.  This is how people make their living.  If people stop going              businesses suffers and people get laid off and things spiral downwards.  The                        gunman did more than kill innocent people.  He messed with their livelihood.                     From what I understand the airport cancelled flights and some casinos were shut               down.  This is a loss of income for the people of Vegas .  People need to eat.  People              need to pay their bills.  Traveling to Vegas is my way of helping the city getting                    back to normal — whatever normal is right now.  I want to go.  I want to help.                      Vegas needs me to go.

3.  I LOVE Vegas!!!!  I love the food.  I love the architecture.  I love the art.  I love the                vibe.  I love the casinos.  I love the shopping.  I love waking up to the mountain                    views.  I love the energy and lights of the Strip.  I love the different hotels and how            each of them has their own vibe.  I love that my husband loves Vegas as much as I              do — he’s the one that got me hooked.  What I love most about Vegas really has                    nothing to do with Vegas, but with my husband and how we get to spend five days              together.  No work.  No daily grind.  Just us.  Together.

I know this trip will be different because I have a heavy heart, but life has to go on.    There’s no way I can go there and not think about what happened.  The city is grieving and will continue to grieve for a long time.  Will I be more aware of my surroundings?  You betcha.  Am I aware that there is a small possibility that another shooting could possibly occur?  Absolutely.  If it happens and I die then I was my turn to die.  My name was on that big chalkboard in the sky.  There’s nothing I can do about it.

I didn’t think about cancelling my trip once after the shooting.

F U dead guy.  You are not winning.   (Sorry for the language).

I Want To Express My Soul

I have never really taken up a lot of space in this world.  For my whole 52 years of life I have stayed quiet in a corner.  Not really saying much or causing the focus of the world to be on me.  I’ve never wanted to be the center of attention or have the attention on me.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with anger.  Maybe, now, it’s because I want to be heard.  I want to be more of who I am.  I want to do what is important to me.  I want to matter.

I want to express my soul.

I realized today that maybe I’m angry because I want to take up more space in the world than I currently am.  I’m growing, learning and becoming more of myself.  As I change and grow and become more of the new me I am becoming stronger.  The stronger I become the more aware I am of what I need and want.  The more I become me the more space I am going to take up in the world.

Things that weren’t important to me are now important to me.  For example, my husband fixes lawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, snow blowers, etc. in the garage on the weekends.  I encourage him to do this because this is relaxing to him and it gives him the down time he needs after being on the road all week.  Most importantly, he enjoys it.  During the week I try to get all of my stuff done so help him get what he needs to get done while he’s home.

For the last couple of months something has been nagging at me in the back of my head.  How come I don’t make time for myself and my dreams like I make time for my husband’s?  During the week I make sure there is food for him to eat (sometimes) and that his favorite towels and his laundry is washed when he gets home.  I run whatever errands he needs.  I do whatever needs to be done.  Isn’t that what a truck driver’s wife is suppose to do?  My life basically runs around him and what he needs.

What about me?  What about what I need and want?  Why am I not treating myself like I treat my husband?  I think this is where my anger stems from because needs and wants that I never knew about or I did and I pushed back down are now coming to the surface.  They demand to be dealt with.   As I grow and change I’m realizing I want to take up more space in the world.  I want shout out to the world “Here I am.  Are you ready for me?”

Admitting this rocks the boat.  It unbalances things.  I don’t ask for a lot.  I don’t need a lot.  I guess…until now.

It’s not that I’m unhappy in my marriage because I’m not.  I’m very happy.   I just want more.  I don’t think this is wrong.  I want to expand me and who I am.  I’m getting to know the real me and this is awesome and scary at the same time. I’m feeling very raw right now.  I’m not sure how to express the new me and what I want and need.   I know  the balance needs to change to include more of me and I’m not exactly sure how to do this.

Balance.  This is what I need to find.  I need to find a balance between taking care of me and my needs (that unruly, bossy, sometimes uncontrollable, stubborn four year old inside of me that wants/needs to be heard) and my husbands.  It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just a new beginning.

Today I’m not worried about sentence structure, paragraphing or any of that other stuff.  I just need to get my feelings out on paper.  It’s not finished.  There’s probably stuff I forgot to include and that is ok.  When I started this blog I wanted to share my menopause journey and all of the messy, hard parts and this is one of them.

Thanks for following and/or reading my messed up menopause journey.

Have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Not The Same Woman

I am a little sad today because I realized — full blown — that I am not the same woman I was before menopause.  Did I think I would be?  Yeah…a little.  I read about the changes, but for some reason I didn’t think it would happen to me.  Or, maybe, I hoped it wouldn’t happen to me.

My husband’s sisters were at the campground.  They are a loud and opinionated group.  I was a different person this time.  I didn’t keep my mouth shut.  I stated my opinion and why I felt the way I did.  I think all four sisters saw a side of me they never have.  By the end of the day I was tired, pissy and had had enough.

As I have said before, I try to keep my menopausal symptoms to myself and under wraps. I try not to be angry or pissy or let my patience run out, but sometimes I can’t do it.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was pissy and short tempered — a person I am usually not.

Before perimenopause I was always happy.  Nothing really bothered me.  It took me a long time to get mad at people.  I didn’t have a temper. I helped people whenever I could.  It didn’t matter if they did anything for me in return because I was happy to help.   I liked to be needed.  Sometimes I let people take advantage of my generosity.   I was quiet.  I didn’t voice my opinion for fear of making people mad.  I didn’t like conflict.   I didn’t want to be in the spotlight or let my light shine.  I basically stayed in the corner.

After perimenopause and into menopause I am very opinionated.  I have a voice and I share freely how I feel.  I don’t care if I voice my opinion and make people mad.  My temper is set off by someone breathing wrong.  It’s not funny, but sometimes it’s true.  If I’m pissed at you you will know.  I am not quiet.  I refuse to stand in the corner and be quiet.  I need to let my light shine.  I need to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.   I’ve let go of friendships that I haven given and given and given to and didn’t get anything I return.  I refuse to come last in someone’s life.  My relationships need to have give and take in them — not just take.  I deserve to have good people and good things in my life.   I really don’t care if people like me or not.

My husband jokes around and tells people he fears for his life when he is home.  Maybe sometimes he is serious — depending on my mood.  He makes me laugh.  He’s the reason I have made it through this menopause stuff this far.  I feel very lucky that I can talk to him about my symptoms, how I feel and what I need to do.   He does stupid stuff and makes me laugh when I am crabby.  He makes me feel better.

Later on last night when we were alone I told him why I was pissy.  We talked about it.  I voiced my opinion and he voiced his.  We are on track and think the same way about a lot of things and this is one of them.  He listens to me and I feel loved.

I was sad this morning because I think my relationship with people may change or have changed because I am not the same person I was and I can’t go back to being that person.  This is who I am right now and people are just going to have to deal with it.  Call me a bitch or whatever you will, but I can’t go back.  I don’t want to go back.  I like this new me.  It’s almost like I am free.  I broke out of the chains and I can live the way I want to.  I feel this is the person I am meant to be.

 

I think on some level I am sad to let the old me go.  I was that person for over 45 years.  It was safe and I felt safe.  Some days I don’t know how to navigate these waters of menopause.  Some days I feel like a fish out of water and other days I feel I am swimming upstream barely making any progress.  I have been swimming in this river for the last two years and it hasn’t been fun.

It occurred to me today how much I have changed in the last two years.  I think camping this weekend in his family’s dynamic is the reason my sadness came to the surface.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is.  I don’t feel I fit into the same places that I used to and it makes me question my place in the world.

This is what menopause does.  It turns your life upside down and you have to pick up the pieces and put it back together.

I am a different women and I like who I am becoming.  If other people don’t like the new me so be it.  That’s the way it is.  I’m not going back.

Happy Wife Happy Life

I hate this phrase.

To me this means that the husband should be doing whatever his wife wants, when she wants, to make her happy.  She barks.  He jumps.  She’s happy.

This is bullshit.

What about him?  Is he happy?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Does she care?  Probably not.

I don’t know why, but that phrase pisses me off.  It irks me because there are two people in a relationship and both people deserve to be happy.  Not one.

Both people should have the chance to be happy, to have separate friends, to go after their dreams, to pursue their hobbies, have a relationship with their families, to have their voices heard and their opinions matter. When I was married 8 years ago (it was our anniversary on Aug. 29 🙂 ) I don’t remember Roger, our pastor, telling us during our vows that my husband should treat me better than I treat him.  I remember Roger telling us that we should love and cherish each other and our relationship.  Marriage is two people.  Not one.

Happy Wife Happy Life.

This phrase doesn’t fly in my house because I don’t feel I’m the only one who deserves to be happy.  My husband deserves to be happy, too.  We both do things that make each other happy.  My husband and I do things together that help us reach our goals as a couple.   My husband and I give each other the time to pursue our individual dreams and help each other whenever we can with whatever resources we have.

I don’t want to be that happy wife.  I wouldn’t feel right if I got my way all of the time.  It would be nice for awhile, but I wouldn’t want this.  Marriage is about compromise and helping each other.  Neither of us get our way all of the time.  I want to see my husband happy so if I have to compromise once in awhile that’s ok.  I like to see my husband happy.

I feel my husband and I have a unique relationship.  He drives over the road so he’s gone during the week.  What makes our relationship strong is that I talk to him on the phone for an hour every day.  We talk.  We talk about what needs to be done, family, and what we would like to do among other things. We talk about what is important to each of us and why.  We talk.

I don’t bark orders — he wouldn’t listen anyway.  I’m used to doing things by myself because he’s on the road all week.  When he does come home he has a limited window of time that he has to get what he needs to get done.  I never give him a “honey do” list because by the time he comes home he has his own list of what he wants to get done that weekend.  If I need his help I will ask “Hey honey can you help me with this please?”

Our relationship doesn’t have score cards.  We don’t say “I did this for you. Now you have to do this for me.”  Some weeks I do more than he does.  Some weeks he does more than I do.  It all evens out.  We do things together.  I gather the trash and put it in the truck and he takes it to the dump.  We prune our bushes together — he prunes and I rake. He cuts the grass with the rider and I rake it up – if there is a lot he helps rake.  We run errands together.   He makes breakfast.  I make supper.  It all works.

Honestly, I admit I am bossier since menopause.  If I sense that I have been too bossy I will back off and/or do something special for him.   If I am too bossy and I don’t sense it he’ll give me a look and I will give him the reasons why I think the way I do.  We talk about it.  Sometimes I get my way.  Sometimes I don’t.

Happy wife.  Happy husband.  That’s the way we roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Gentle Push

Thanks again ,to Anita at Discovering Your Happiness, for nominating me for the Liebster Award.  I am still super excited about it.

I thought it would be easy to write my award post.  A piece of cake.  All I had to do was copy and drop the award picture and figure out what blogs I wanted to nominate and link their blogs to my post.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought.  It took me an hour to figure out how to copy and paste the award picture and I still haven’t figure out how to link.  Oh well.  Everything needs a starting point.

I am grateful for the award, but I think I am more grateful for the gentle push by Anita to get me out of my comfort zone.  I have wanted to update my picture for awhile now.  I don’t like to be a white ball when I like someones post.  My favorite picture is Anita’s.  I love how she has the words around the outside of the circle and the symbol in the middle.  Also, there’s couple of things I wanted to change on my blog to make it more me, but I kept putting it off and putting it off.

Until now.

Anita asked me two questions that really stuck a chord in me.   Her questions were:         Where I see myself in five years?  Where do I see my blog in the next five years?

My answer to myself in five years.  Geez.  I am 52.  I don’t even want to think about being 57.  Honestly, I don’t want to think about this.  It scares me.  I don’t feel 52.  I don’t act like I’m 52.  Although, I am starting to move like I’m 52.  Ladies, I know you know what I am talking about.  Trying to walk after you’ve been sitting awhile…it takes a couple to steps to get your legs and hips to do what you want them to do.

My answer to my blog in five years.   When I started my blog it was because I had to.  My blog kept calling me.   Ideas would pop out of nowhere.   It kept nudging me until I answered the call.   When I did, I didn’t really have any goals.  Honestly, I’ve been writing my blog for myself to see how many people would read it.  I’m not doing too bad considering I haven’t told anyone around me that I have a blog — not my husband, my family, my in-laws, my friends or my coworkers.  I’m happy with my progress.  My followers grow every week.  I almost have doubled my views from last month.  Yes, there will be a time I will tell the people around me, but right now I’m happy to be on this journey by myself.  I’m proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far, but winning the award made me realize that I’m not doing it for me anymore.  I need to take my blog to the next level – whatever that may be. In the next couple of months I need to learn about this basics of wordpress and look at other blogs to see what I can do to make my blog more user friendly and fun.   I want my blog to be a positive place.   I don’t know where I want to be in five years, but in a year I would like to have more followers. I would like to show more of my writing — essays and short fiction — that I’m working on. I would like to interview strong women or maybe have them guest post for me.  I would to monetize my blog, but I’m not sure how.  I have some ideas.

To be honest, the set up of my blog has stayed the same because I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  My blog is growing and I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know why I’m afraid.  I love to learn new things, but when it comes to a computer i am like a fish out of water — flopping around trying to survive.  At this point in my life I don’t have a lot of patience.  It took me 45 minutes to download my antivirus software online.  Let’s not go there.  It’s not pretty.

I’m going to step out of my comfort zone a little at a time.  Now that camping season is almost over (there isn’t any wifi at the the campground) and fall is nipping out my heals, I will have my weekends free to learn new things.   I’m excited and scared.  I checked out a couple of books on wordpress and blogging — yes, the book for dummies 🙂   I’m taking that first step….

Thanks again, Anita, for the gentle push.

Peace and love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My To Do List

Smile

Be kind to myself and others because everyone has their own struggles

Eat healthy

Say yes to adventure

Love and cherish my husband and my marriage

Do one thing each day that gets me closer to achieving my dreams

Be grateful for my job and the things it allows me to have

Let good into my life

Nourish my soul

Be patient with myself and others

Take a risk

Love who I am — inside and out

Give a stranger a compliment

Be grateful for the people, places and things in my life

Own my mistakes

Give friends and family a hug and tell them I love them

Appreciate and respect the money in my life

Look for the good in people

Live simply

 

 

Issues With Finding a $50 Bill

Last Friday I walked into the mini-mart to pay for gas.  I get to the register and out of the corner of my eye I catch what I think is the corner of a $ bill.  I look down.  Holy shit!  It’s a $50 bill on top of the Extra gum.  OMG!  I slide the $50 into my pocket, paid for my gas and quickly left.

I didn’t turn it in.  I felt a little guilty about this, but I felt if I found it then I should keep it.  If I knew who dropped it I would have gladly given it back.  I felt bad that I didn’t return it so at work I asked a few people’s opinion on if I did the right thing.  I received mixed reviews.  I believe in karma and that I should do the right thing and be honest.  I would have liked to return it to the owner because if I lost $50 (or anything of value) I would hope someone would be honest and return it to me.

Questions started to form in my head.  What if the person who lost the $50 needed it to buy groceries?  What if the person who lost the $50 was well off and shrugged the loss off to his fault for being in a hurry?  What if it was an elderly person who was on a limited budget?

This is how screwed up I am about money.  I’m embarrassed to be sharing this part of my life, but part of the reason I started this blog was to share my story (good or bad) so I’m putting it out there.

The thing I learned from this is that I believe that I shouldn’t gain because of someone else’s misfortune.  This is a stupid belief and I have no idea where it came from.

First of all — what is misfortune?  Google defines it as “bad luck or an unfortunate condition or event”.

Second of all  — why do I let misfortune guide my life?  People gain from other people’s misfortunes every day.  One person gets a job because someone else is sick and can’t make the interview.  A small business gets in over their head financially and a bigger company buys them out.  These are the only two examples I could come up with at the moment.

I definitely need to change the beliefs I have about money.  They are not working for me anymore.  I don’t know what I’m going to replace them with, but I have to replace them with something positive and uplifting and that gives permission to have the money I want in my life.

After thinking about how I let money into my life, I realize that there are only two ways I allow money into my life — my job and the lottery/gambling.  Laugh if you will.  I’m shaking my head.  It’s interesting and ridiculous at the same time.  How could I be this closed off mentally for this long?  How did I not know I had these beliefs?

Maybe this is why I haven’t achieved my dream of becoming a published author because I won’t let myself get paid for my writing because it’s not on the list of how I’m supposed to get paid.   It’s ridiculous and angers me, but that is a whole different blog post for a different day.

I’m saving the $50 for when we go to Vegas in October.  Maybe it will bring me luck when I play the slot machines.  🙂

 

I Wish I Knew What The Future Holds

We put an offer on a house on Saturday.  I was excited.  My husband was excited.  I loved this house.  I felt it was exactly what we were looking for.  I thought for sure our offer would be accepted.

I received a text from my agent about an hour ago saying the seller accepted a different offer.

F#@k!  Are we not meant to have a house?  A coworker texted me “I guess you weren’t meant to have that house”.  But if not that house which one will it be and how long will it take?

I’m trying to stay optimistic.  I’m trying to stay hopeful, but damn it, I wish I knew what the future held.  I wish I knew what direction is I was suppose to go in.  I wish I knew what I was suppose to do next.  I wish someone out of nowhere would say “I know his is the perfect house for you.  Put a offer on it and it’s yours.”

I wish.  I wish.  I wish.

I keep seeing butterflies.  Butterfies flying in the yard.  Butterflies flying past my truck while I’m driving.  I even saw a butterfly flying around in the building at work last week. I Googled it and butterflies mean change.  That leads me to wonder how my life is going to change.  For good or for bad.  They have been beautiful monarch butterflies so I hope that means for the good.

If only we could see what the future holds…but then life wouldn’t full of challenges would it?  We wouldn’t learn anything and we wouldn’t move forward.

So I guess it’s back to the drawing board.  I gotta put on my big girl pants, put myself back out there and go find us a house.

 

 

 

 

Do I Push Money Away?

My husband and I took our change the we had been saving for the last two years to the credit union to cash it in.  My husband wheeled it into the credit union in my yellow garden wagon.  There were funny looks and some whistles.  It took almost forty-five minutes to run it through the change machine.  End the end we had over two thousand dollars.

Two thousand dollars.  Holy crap!!!

On the way to work I was all smiles and very happy.  I was proud of my husband and I for saving that much.  But as the day wore on my good mood faded and doubt and worry kicked in. I wondered if I deserved to have that much money.  Why I was wondering this I don’t know.  It’s been our money all along — we just didn’t know how much was in the containers.  Then I wondered what if something happens and I loose it all?  Why I was thinking this I don’t know.  We had the change in the house and something could have happened, but didn’t.

Negative thoughts.  Fear.  Negative thoughts.  Fear.

Then I thought — I’m 52 years old and I deserve to have a lot of money.  Why can’t I have over two thousand dollars and feel good about it?  Screw good — what about feeling GREAT????!!!!!

Honestly, I’ve had a problem with letting money into my life my whole life.  I never thought I deserved it or was worth it.  I’ve always wanted a lot of money, but I have always wanted to stay small and not attract any attention to myself and my talents.  I don’t know where the idea of staying small comes into play.  Maybe it comes from being bullied when I was a kid.  Maybe I felt if I didn’t draw attention to myself then I wouldn’t be bullied??

I know if I want money I have to get big and let people see me and my talents. And then I will have to deal with my insecurities and everything else that comes up while I’m getting big.

On the flip side, that leads me to a whole bunch of questions.    If I have a lot of money will my friends be my friends?  Will people be jealous of me and/or hate me?  Will people hound me for money?  And the BIG question — do I deserve it?

How do I begin to think/feel that I deserve to have money?  Do daily affirmations? Write in my journal about my insecurities?  I’ve tried all of this before and it hasn’t worked for me.  Wait.  It has a little bit, but how do I find out what is truly keeping me from letting money in?  How do I excavate whatever belief(s) I have from deep within me?  This is what I have problems with.  Over the years I have become a little wealthier, but not where I want to be.  It’s been a slow process, but I have overcome some of my issues and danced around (but never fully embraced) the rest of my issues

I think menopause throws our issues and/or parts of ourselves onto the table and we have to deal with them – whether we want to or not.   We don’t get a choice.  Our issues bug us or haunt us until we deal with them and work through them.  We have to learn to get out of our own way.  We have to learn what we were put on this earth to do and give ourselves the love and space we need to figure it out.

I think finding our real selves is the part of menopause that is really hard.  We have to find our real selves.  We have to dig deep.  We have to be gentle with ourselves and the people are around because as we change our relationships with the people around us change as well.  Some people may not like this.  They may feel threatened by it, but that’s not our problem.  We can’t let this stop us from finding our true selves.

Something deep inside of me is stopping me from making/getting/having money into my life and this is the current issue I have to deal with.  It’s what menopause threw on my table.  It’s messy, ugly and probably mixed in with other issues I have to deal with, but so what.  That’s life.    I am a women going through menopause.  I am an adult and adults deal with things. I’m scared to see what is really there, but I have to do it.  I have to keep digging.  I can’t let the issues from my past dictate my life and keep me from what I know I’m suppose to be doing and having money.

I have to find a way to let money into my life.

Thanks for reading this post and have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a problem lately with people telling me what to do — no matter if it’s my mom, husband, family member, coworker, neighbor or stranger.  I get all prickly and my menopause mad kicks in.  I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.  I can decide for myself what I want to do.

For example the following situation happened at work last week:

   “Why didn’t you come in at 1 p.m. today?” A coworker asked me last week when I came in at 2 p.m. which is my normal starting time. “You know we are busy.”  

      I didn’t respond, but what rant went on in my head — I know we are busy, but I didn’t feel like coming on at 2 today.  It’s not mandatory.    There are things that I needed to do for myself  — like write for an hour.  I feel this is more important to my well being than coming in at 2.  I didn’t want to come in at 2 and I’m not feeling guilty about it.

I don’t know what to say.  It’s like I have this 4 year old that comes to the surface and has a tantrum.  She gets mad and says “You’re not going to tell me what do.  I’m smart enough and old enough to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I will decide what is best for me.”

You have to understand something.  This isn’t me.  This really has never been me.  This isn’t the way I usually react to these situations.  This isn’t who I am.

Until now.

Until this menopause thing kicked in.

My fits come on like hot flashes — from the inside and boil out.  No warnings.  Just words tumbling out of my mouth.  No rhyme.  No reason.  Just tumbling.

It embarrasses me.  It makes me feel bad because I don’t know this part of myself.  I don’t know how to control her.  People probably think I’m a bitch, but I don’t know how to stop it.  I actually scares me to be like this sometimes because this is not me.  I used to be calm, quiet, and not allowed bothered me, but now look out.

For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to stand up for myself.  I’m not afraid to stand up for what I want and what I need and what is important to me.  This isn’t a bad thing.   It’s a good thing.  I’m just not used to being like this.

I feel like I’m coming into my own, but I’m not sure what my own is.  It’s funny because I don’t know who this person is, but I know it’s part of the real me coming to the surface.   It’s uncomfortable territory, but I ready to see what is there and who I really am and what she wants and needs.

Look out ’cause here I come!