I Matter

I matter

My hopes matter

My dreams matter

What I like and don’t like matters

My thoughts matter

My feelings matter

Who I am matters

Who I long to be matters

Who I love matters

What I long to do matters

What I love to do matters

My goals matter

My intuition matters

My job matters

My life matters

All of me matters – inside and out

 

All women matter

 

 

 

Breathe In, Breathe Out And Let Go

When I was at work today I felt there was old emotions swimming around in my body that I needed to be let go of.  Old emotions from the past that I had stored in my body over the years.  I took a breathe in and as I released that breathe I pictured my shoulders opening and old, stagnant air coming out of my shoulders.  Normally I wouldn’t do this at work.  I would wait til I was at  home where it is quiet and I am alone, but I couldn’t.  The feelings keep pushing at my shoulders as if to tell me they needed to be released.

When I have this feeling and I’m at home, I lay on my back on my bed, close my eyes and ask what part of my body needs to let go of something.  I visualize that part of my body opening and whatever needs to come out comes out.  For example:  in the past I have visualized  thick chains and bowling balls coming out from around my heart and briefcases have come out of the top of my head.  I believe the chains are from past relationships and the bowling ball is from the bowling alley where my first love and I hung around at while we were dating.  I have no idea what the briefcases mean, but that’s ok.  I don’t worry about what comes out.  If it’s ready to come out then I am more than happy to let it out whatever it is.  I may remember the significance of the item later on in my daily activities.  I may not.

Today I felt old, stagnant air coming out of my shoulders.  This doesn’t surprise me.  The air coming out of my shoulders was probably the aftermath of remembering my past hurts.  Last week I was thinking about creating a menopause calendar and over the weekend I was working on a drawing for the month of February.   When I think of February I think of Valentine’s Day, love and hearts.  Usually I think of a big, red heart.  Not over the weekend.  Instead of drawing a happy heart, I wanted to put on paper what sad events happened in my life and how my damaged heart might look like at this point in my life.   My heart was bigger on one side than the other and it wasn’t perfect in shape.  Fat and skinny black lines made up the outer wall of my heart.  My heart had a jagged gap from the top left corner of my heart almost to the bottom of the other side from the death of my dad.  About half of the gap had grey duct tape holding it together.  A small section at the bottom of the gap had healed and was a light pink.  In the left hand corner there was a light, brownish mark with red dots poking through that was left from when my mom had breast cancer.  My mom’s cancer was caught early and she is fine, but it still left a stain on my heart.  The pink dots show that the stain is fading and parts of my heart are poking thru.  Part of my heart is gone on the bottom right side from when my first love broke up with me.  There’s a band aid in another area from all of the times I was bullied.  There’s five or six areas on my heart that are black x’s that look like stitches for all of the times I was hurt and didn’t fully recover.

I was thinking about a serious theme for the calendar.  The menopause calendars I have seen in the past were humorous.  I don’t want to create a humorous calendar.  I want it to be a thought provoking calendar that has a different theme every month.  I think one of the main themes of menopause is that makes us look at the places in our lives that are not working and that need healing.  We need to remember the events that happened in our lives that we may have forgotten about and heal these areas because we probably still carry around the pain.    I wanted to draw my heart to see what areas came up for me that need to be healed/dealt with.  The two areas were: being bullied as a kid and the death of my dad.  I have dealt with being bullied a little bit.  A couple of years ago my neice was being bullied and I cried as I shared my story with her.  I know I just hit the tip of the iceburg and there are still issues that I need to deal with.   I know I have self esteem issues that stem from being bullied that hinder certain areas of my life.  And my dad’s death.  That’s something I will deal with every day for the rest of my life.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is. It doesn’t get easier.  I still cry.  I think I am used to my dad being gone.  Will I ever heal completely?  I doubt it.

I know to some people visualizing emotions/things coming out of my body may seem odd.   It was at first to me, too.  I do it because I believe my body knows when it needs to let something go and this is the only way I know how to let it go.  I want/have to keep moving forward and growing and in order to do this I need to let those feelings go.  I believe that we hold our past in both in material things outside of our bodies and emotionally on the inside of our bodies.  We store past memories, good and bad, in certain areas of our bodies.  Just as we need to purge our homes of things we no longer have room for or no longer need or want, we need to do the same for our emotional selves.  We need to release those old hurts and negative feelings so that we can move forward.   I think the more healed we are the more good things, people and experiences we are able to let in.

One of my goals for 2018 is to work on my self-esteem issues and let all of that old crap out of my body so I’m not dragging it out around anymore.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Let.

I think this should be one of my mantras for 2018 because a girl can’t be on fire if she’s dragging all of that stuff from the past around can she?

 

 

I Love Sending Christmas Cards

I don’t know why,  but I love to sending Christmas cards.  Some people call me crazy.  Some people think I am too in depth.  Some people think I spend too much time and or money.  I don’t care.  I love to do it!

I am very picky about the Christmas cards I send.  I don’t send cheap cards.  The cards I send have to have a nice picture on the front and a meaningful saying on the inside.  The cards I send hold a special meaning to me and I hope they mean something special to the receiver.  I am sending a part of myself and what I believe and what I hold deep in my heart.  I want them to be special.

I usually buy special pens to write on the inside with.  Sometimes I buy silver and gold pens and sometimes I buy red and green pens.  They can’t be any pen.  They have to feel nice in my hand and they have to write nice.  This year I didn’t like the silver and gold pens I bought so I used red and green pens I had at home instead.    I usually write the name of the person(s) in red, then I write Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in green and then I write love, steve and chrissy in red or vice versa.  Sometimes I do write special messages inside, but usually I don’t.

I usually address the front of the card with regular black or  blue ink, but in the middle of the back of the envelope I stamp a saying or picture.  This year I stamped a snowman holding up its arms and above his arms is a heart.  To me it looks like the snowman is giving the heart to the person who opens the envelope.

I love sending cards because I think it sets a good tone to the start of the Christmas season.  To me sending cards is sending love.  I’m letting the person know I am thinking of them this holiday season and that I love them.

I wrote out 29 cards today and I am not finished.  I send special cards to my mom, sister and her family and my brother and my other brother and his girlfriend.  I always give the mail man a card with $20 dollars in it.  I’m sending out more cards this year than I normally would because I think with all of tragedies that happened this year the world needs more love, more happy moments, more smiles, more giving and more caring.

Today I’m sending you, my beloved readers, virtual hugs, love and warm holidays wishes for a very happy holiday season. Thanks so much for reading my blog, your comments, for sharing your stories with me and for helping me grow and become a better person and writer.  Your support means more than you know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Love, Chrissy

 

 

 

 

My Morning What??

I don’t have a morning routine.  The only things I do every day before I go to work, that may or may not be considered a routine, is take a shower, talk to my husband and eat.    The time I have between when I get up and when I go to work is up in the air.  I may do stuff.  I may not.  I don’t have an after work routine.  I don’t have a weekend routine.  Everything is up in the air.  Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t thought about it til now.

Since I wrote my last post I have been thinking that I want to be more productive in the morning instead of getting up and wondering aimlessly around the house wondering what I should do.  I know what I have to do and what I need to do, but sometimes that isn’t enough to entice me to do anything.  I was thinking that I should decide the night before what I want to write or what chores I want to accomplish the next day so I can get up and start on it/them.  Working ten hour days and sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night only leaves me three or four hours to get things done before work and two hours after work.

This is not a lot of time.

It’s not a lot of time, but if I am honest with myself I have to admit I don’t spend my time wisely because my house/life is so disorganized.  Basically my writing life.  I have my writing projects in the living room and in my office.  I need to go through the piles and get things organized.  It’s not just my writing life that is disorganized.  I have a pile of papers on the coffee table (next to my writing stuff) in the living room.  Mail that hasn’t been opened/dealt with, ripped out magazine articles, bank receipts, coupons, sale flyers, etc.  This is why I probably walk around aimlessly in the morning because I am overwhelmed by the clutter.  It’s not that bad.  It’s not like an episode of Hoarders by any means.  It would probably take an two or three hours to deal with it and get everything in order, but I keep putting it off.  Then I would have to keep everything cleaned up and put away or it will happen all over again, but hat’s a whole different post.

It may seem like I’m rambling in this post.  I suppose I could write about this in my journal, but if I write a post about it then I have to own it  Do something about it.  Be responsible.  In other words — I need to get my ass in gear and deal with it.  Bottom line.

As you know, I usually write a rough draft of a post before I type and publish it.  Well, a couple of days ago as I writing this post I started to go though the blog stack of papers.  I was amazed at how much non-blog stuff there was in the pile.  Credit card receipts, coupons, etc.  I took 30 minutes, but I muddled through the pile and filed stuff.  The only thing I have left to do is separate the written blog posts that I have typed up from the started posts (which I need to finish) and file them.  Since my file folder of done written blog posts is getting packed, I think I’m going to buy a decorative box (a box that will look nice on my bookshelf) and put everything in the box.  It will be easier for me because all I have to do is type up my post, write done on it and date it and put it in the box.  I don’t know why I am saving my posts.  I just do.

I felt good about getting that much done and organized.  My pile is a quarter of the size it was.  It also feels good to have my desk cleaned off so I can put the writing project I want to work on next beside my keyboard.  In the morning I can walk into the office, turn on my computer and start writing.

I want my morning routine to be as follows:  wake up.  lay in bed while i think about how I want my day to go and what I want to accomplish.  Repeat some positive affirmations.  Deep breathe.  Start my day focused and on a positive note.  Write. Shower. Eat. Call Steve. Go to work.

I now have a morning routine.  Yeah me!

I actually typed this post yesterday morning and I was going to put the finishing touches on it last night, but I forgot about it until about an hour before I was suppose to go to work today.  Whoops.  So I am publishing it tonight — a day late.

 

Girl On Fire

What I loved most about this years Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is Angelica Hale from America’s Got Talent singing “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keyes.  9 years old and kicking butt!

I love the parade.  It always inspires me because almost everyone in the parade is living their dreams.  The musicians and dancers.  The actors and actresses.  The screenwriters and playwrights.

If they are living their dreams why can’t I live mine?

I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days.  Why can’t I?  I think that part of my problem is that I don’t have a specific goal.  I know I want to be an author but I don’t have any specific goals.  I want to get my essays and short stories published and I would love to write the final draft of my romance novel, but I don’t have any specific goals.  Goals that I write down on paper and achieve.   Goals that I work toward every time I sit down to write.  I don’t know why I don’t write down my goals.  I have goals in my head.  Floating around in my head.  Sometimes they are close.  Sometimes they are far away.

I need to get my office (my half of our office) in order.  I have a stack of papers for my blog on one side of my desk.  Old blog posts that I have typed and need to file.  Partially written blog posts that I need to file or finish.  Magazine articles and other stuff I find interesting to possibly write about in future blog posts.  I keep piling stuff on the pile and not dealing with it.  On the other side I have notes, a notebook and two folders for my first draft for NaNoWriMo.  (I wrote a couple of scenes over the past week).  I would like to have a clean desk.

I think I have a lot of stuff that I don’t need on my bookshelf.  Notebooks and notepads.  I love notebooks.  I usually write the 1st draft of my posts in a notebook of some kind.  College ruled.  Spiral works best for me and preferably with a pocket.  I have a notebook in my office, in the living room, in my truck and in my locker at work.  The goal for my bookshelf is to have all of my writing projects on the shelves so I can easily see and access them.  If I write notes for a project I can easily file the notes or grab it and work on it.

I realized this weekend that I don’t have any rhyme or reason to my desk.  It holds my computer, keyboard, mouse and piles of paper.  Because my desk is a mess I have no idea where I am with my writing projects.  My goal for my desk is that I would love to be able to walk into my office and start working instead of looking at it and mumbling “WTF!”

What is in my head and what is in my office are far apart.  I’ve been putting off dealing with my office issues because I was hoping we were moving and I would have my own office.  That didn’t happen so I need put my big girl pants on and deal with what I have.  A very disorganized writing life….and then I wonder why I don’t accomplish anything.

I want my office to have only what I need in it and not what I think I might use some day.  I get distracted by my stuff.  I have a lot of “things” in my office instead of a lot of writing.  This definitely needs to change.  I want to have a place for everything in my office and everything in it’s place.

Right now this girl is definitely not on fire, but I would like to be.  I think I’m going to use “Girl on Fire” as my 2018 mantra.   I want to be able to describe and/or think of myself as a girl on fire.   Moving toward her goals and not letting anyone stop her.  I’m going to put this on my bulletin board (which only has a picture of snoopy hugging woodstock on it.  I know.  Sad.  It could be used for so much more) and look at it every day.

A girl on fire who writes everyday.  That’s me.

What is your mantra for 2018?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today Sucks

 

I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo.  I’m still working on the first draft of my  novel, but not at 1,700 words a day.  I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.

I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult.  We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money.  I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected.  The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away.  It was a hard decision.  I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out.  I’m bummed out today because of it.

I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost.  I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump.  I’ll take the rest next week.  I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest.  It just sucks.  We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.

I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t.  I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either.  I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working.  I’m at a good place in my life.  My marriage is great.  I have a good job and great coworkers.  I’m beginning to get to know the real me.  The Menopause me.  I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.

I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.  I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too.   We really wanted this work.  I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings.  I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement.  Maybe if I get rid of the old……

Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football.  I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here.  That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.

I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now.  My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out.  I’m not so sure.  I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever.  I want out my cousins house and to get into my house.  I don’t want to live here anymore.

Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now.  Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

All I know right now is today sucks.