The Best Valentine’s Day Present Ever!

The offer we put in on the house was accepted yesterday!!!  I think this is the best Valentine’s Day present I ever got.  We’ve been trying for the last year to buy a house, but nothing worked out.  This did and I’m so excited.  I’m trying not to get too excited because we don’t have the keys in hand yet.  Things can happen between now and then so I’m going to try to be positive and hope for the best.

My husband and I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day.  Eleven years ago he sent a dozen roses to work and when I found out what he paid for them I had a bird.  $75 for 12 roses.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was very nice.  The flowers were beautiful and they lasted for two weeks, but really.  $75.  I understand why he did it.  It was the first Valentine’s Day that he was driving over the road and wasn’t home.  He felt bad.  I know he did, but I told him never to spend that amount of money on flowers ever again.  And he hasn’t.  To me it was a waste of money.  There were so many other things we could have done with that money.  I guess I’m too practical.

We were in Wal-Mart on Sunday and he asked me if I wanted flowers.  I told him to go to the local flower shop over the weekend and get me daises.  Yellow and white.  I love daises.  We had yellow and white daises in mason jars on the tables and in all of the bouquets at our wedding.  They are in least two planters on my front deck in the summer.  I love, love, love them.

He gives me the best gift every week.  He comes home safe and sound.  That’s more than I can ask for.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!  I hope your day is filled with love, happiness and laughter.

Have a great day!

 

Out Of My Comfort Zone

This morning we put a offer on a house.  I’m scared.  Why is it that we dream of things and when they may happen we get scared?

I know part of the reason why I’m scared.  This house is out in the country and 25 minutes away from where I work.    I have never lived more than 10 minutes away from my job and I have never lived in the country.  It means I will have to rearrange my schedule and leave earlier to get to work on time.   I will get home later.  It will take more time out of my day.  On snowy days in the winter the drive will probably suck.

I’m totally out of my comfort zone.

I know once I get into the flow it will be fine.  I’ll get into a routine.  I’ll get to work on time.  I’ll learn how to drive on the snowy, slippery country roads.  Everything will work out.

It sure is easier to be in my comfort zone.  The only thing that sucks about being in my comfort zone is that I am comfortable, but I don’t change.

I want to let go and let the change happen, but I’ve had a lot of emotions run through me today.   At times today I was sad and at other tiem a voice inside my head was kicking and screaming because things might change.  I tell myself to let go and let the good things come into my life, but it’s hard.

I have a plaque in my office that reads:  Do not be afraid of change.  Be afraid of not changing.   Today I’m on the fence with this one today.  I want to move, but I’m afraid to move.

Kinda silly isn’t it?

Yes it is silly.  The offer hasn’t been accepted yet and I’m scared.

The funny thing is is that my husband has been telling me we should go look at the house for the last couple of months, but I didn’t want to.  It’s too far away.  I didn’t want to drive that far.  He talked me into going to look at it last Thursday.  I really didn’t want to look at it.  On the drive to the house I was bitching in my head about having to get up early and that I had to drive twenty five minutes to look at it, but you know what?   I’m glad I did.  I walked out of the house pleasantly surprised.  It’s a really nice house.  It has all of the old country house character.  The crown molding.  The built in shelves and cabinets.   It’s really neat.  I really can see us living happily there.

Cross your fingers that they accept the offer.

I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

 

What Emotions Are You Bringing/Dragging Into 2018?

At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve.  I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.

Why don’t I do this with my emotions?

I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.

I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018.  I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times.  I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure.  I always want hope in my life.  I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any.   I always want love in my life.  I want to tell my friends and family that I love them.  I want to hear they love me.   I want to get and give hugs.  I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions?  Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger.  I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong.  I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.

I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it.  I try my best to ignore it.  On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing.  What project do I want to work on next?  What characters are speaking to me that day?  I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks.  I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore.  I don’t think it ever did.  A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it.  Until now.  I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it.  I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen.  I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me.  I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth.  I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing.  This is what I would like to explore more.

I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out.  I really would like my own house to put my own touches on.  I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet.  In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet.  My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children.  (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts)  I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money.  I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over.  I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.  Maybe this is why we don’t have a house.  My youngest step child graduates in June.  June 3rd to be exact.  Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.”  Wow!  That’s a big statement.  It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about.  She’s a bitch.  She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work.    I’m going to stop now.  Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.

 

In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday.  Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me.  Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother.   We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it.   I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me.  It hurts, but that’s the way it is.  You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It!  I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough.   I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018.  Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on.   I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her.  We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is.  Or is she playing us to get things out of us?

I still am a little angry with my little brother.  You all know that.  It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better.  It’s been good lately.  We’ve been texting.  When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh.  I’m pleasantly surprised.

I’m sad because I miss my dad.  I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here.  I know this is will always be here.  I don’t think it gets easier.  I think you get used to it.  I know he is with me.  I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go.  I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away.  Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Anger

As I watch/deal with my brother’s anger I have to think about my own anger.  I don’t get angry very often.  Let me rephrase that.  I used to not get angry very often.  I was happy go lucky.  That is until menopause kicked in.  I am a little bit angrier now.  I am a lot less patient and most of the time that leads to me getting angry.

At the campground this summer I couldn’t get the anti gravity chair open and almost threw it.  My anger caught me off guard.  My husband or brother calmly helped me open the chair.  They have seen my quick temper, but my brother and sister in law have not.  I was embarrassed and knew I had to get my anger under control.

At work we have a program called EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where you can get five free counseling sessions a year.  I knew I needed help dealing with my anger so I called and made an appointment.  My counseling session went really well.  She talked to me about how to figure out what my trigger points are, what to do when I hit one of my trigger points and the steps I need to take to control my anger.  I had no idea I had trigger points, but the more we talked the more I realized what a couple of them were.  Stupid people.  People who don’t want to work.  Slow cashiers.   I learned a lot about myself and my anger in that hour.   I even received handouts to take home.  It’s nice to be able to refer to something when I’m having anger issues.   I’m a big believer in counseling.  Knowledge is power.  Sometimes it’s very helpful to talk to someone who doesn’t know you or your situation.  I have gone to counseling to deal with things happening in my life, big and small,  many times over the last twenty years.  The sessions are free so I use them when I need to.

The counseling session helped.  Last week I was putting away parts at work and I could feel myself getting angry because I couldn’t find the drawer they went in.  I knew I had a couple of choices.  I could ask for help.  I could walk away and come back when I calmed down.  Or I could get pissed off.  I walked away for five minutes and then asked for help.  I realized in my time out that getting pissed off over something so simple as not being able to find the parts I needed was really stupid.  I’m glad I went to the counseling session because it really helped put things into perspective.  I knew I was getting pissed off and I knew what to do about it.  It ended calmly.

I often think about what my brother’s anger is doing to his health, but is my anger  doing to my health?  No.  I think if it is it is very minimal, but I have noticed a couple of things.  At the dentist office last week my blood pressure was high.  They were concerned.  I wasn’t.  I was late because I had to stop for a train and there wasn’t any place to turn around so I had to sit and wait.  Instead of using that time wisely and saying positive affirmations or doing something positive the longer I sat there the more I got pissed.  The good thing is that I realized what I was doing.  Not right away, but a half hour later.  It’s an improvement.

I grind my teeth when I’m angry.  I don’t know if this is really a health issue, but I can see on the bottom of my two front teeth where I have grinded them.  I have grinded my teeth since high school and I wear a night guard at night, but in the last couple of years I can see/feel that I grind my teeth during the day — usually at work.  I have a little check mark on my desk at work that reminds me to check my jaw position during the day.  If I am clenching, I take a couple of deep breathes and figure out what is making me mad.  Sometimes it something at work and sometimes it’s not.

I know it’s not possible to never get angry.  I know that people/situations are going to piss me off.   I know that when I do get angry I need to keep it under control, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

I want to get back to being happy go lucky.

 

New Year Same Old Crap

“A new year, but the same old crap,” A coworker, V, said to me on our first day back to work after the New Year’s break.

It struck me as funny.  Did she  really think that since we started a new year that our work situation would be new as well?  Did she think her coworker problems would be gone?  Problems with management be gone?  It’s silly to think just because a new year started that all your problems would go away on January 2.

Wouldn’t that be great if that happened without any work on our part?  That when we walked into work on January 2nd management would tell us, “Since it’s the beginning of the year we’re going to give you a big, fat raise and all of your problems are going to disappear.  Just tell us what problems you have and we will take care of them.  And tell us what your passion is and we will do our best to fill within the company.  You have our word.”

Right.

Unfortunately it’s not that simple.  It would be nice if it would be, but it’s not.  If we want our job situation to change at the beginning of the year than we have to decide way before January 2 what the changes we want to make are.  We can’t expect the company to change our work situation if we aren’t happy with it.  It is our job to make ourselves happy.  Not our employers job.

I don’t think my coworker realizes it is her job.  With some thought and goals she could be the change she wants/needs, but I think some of us are dreamers.  We dream big in our heads, but we don’t necessarily follow through in life.  I can relate to this in certain areas in my life.  Like my writing.  I think life gets in the way.  Fear, doubt, low self-esteem and other issues get in the way.  We don’t make time to make it happen.  We continue to do the same things, but expect our lives to change.  That isn’t how it happens.

I think if we really want to change in our lives we have to become doers and not wait for others to give us permission, the stars to be in perfect alignment or whatever else we are waiting for.  I think we need to put on our big girl (or boy) pants and make it happen.  I know this is sometimes easier said than done, but we have to try.  We have to try every day.  One step at a time.  One goal at a time.  Sometimes one day at a time.

It’s not easy.  It may be painful to be honest with yourself and figure out a way of making your dreams a reality.  You’re the only one who can figure out what is keeping you from your achieving your dreams.  You might be in your own way.  You may need to leave your job.  Your significant other.  Find different friends.  Or you may find that your dream isn’t what you want and you have to dream another dream.

But you have to try.  You have to try hard.  You need to make space in your life for your dream.  You have to make time in your life.  You have to make it important.  Find people in your life that will help you make your dream become a reality.  Be friends with people who are smarter than you and that you can learn things from.  You have to be willing to go out on a limb.  You have to be willing to be you.

I am going to write for an hour today to get one step closer to making my writing dream a reality.

What are you going to do today to make your dream a reality?

Need inspiration?  Take a look at my blog friend, LA’s, blog “Waking Up On The Wrong Side of 50”  (I know.  I know.  I still to learn how to tag blogs.  It’s on my list of blogging stuff to do).  She’s kicking butt and achieving her 2018 goals.   Reading her blog inspires me and keeps me motivated to achieve my goals.  Keep going girl!

 

Why Do I Have All Of This Stuff?

Management is reorganizing the department I work in at the company I work for.  Last week I had clean out the cube I’ve been working in.  It wasn’t mine.  It was empty so I moved in.   That’s how I am at work.  Sometimes I don’t ask if I can do something.   I just do it.  If management doesn’t like what I’m doing they will ask me to stop.  If they don’t, I continue what I’m doing.  I’ve been in the cube for about six months. And now I have to move out.

It’s not that I had a lot to move, but until the department is reorganized I have to put my stuff on half of a desk or in my filing cabinet.   This is the littlest space I have had to put my stuff and it has made me ask one question.

Why do I have all of this stuff?

I have worked in several different departments in the twenty one years I have worked for this company so I have saved department notes, note from coworkers that are deceased or have left the company, misc. memos, paperwork I thought someone might need someday, pens (yes the company does provide them, but I like to bring my own from home.  I am a pen whore) and pencils, mouthwash, baby powder, aspirin, a 4 x 6 album of some of my wedding pictures, my Damn It Doll (I truly need this some days) and other miscellaneous things in this filing cabinet.  And candy.  I can’t forget the candy.

I need to clean it out.  Except the candy.  People like candy and are more willing to do things for you if you give them candy so I keep it on hand.

To me, right now, having all of that stuff means I plan on staying forever.  Maybe not forever, but I have 13 years til I retire.  I really don’t plan on staying there for the next 13 years, but that is totally another post.  I really don’t need all of that stuff.  I’ve been contemplating staying late one day next week and cleaning out my desk off of the clock.  Yes, off of the clock.  I want to be able to take the time I need to go thru my stuff and decide if I need it or not.  What would happen if I threw away paperwork from the other departments that I have worked in, but haven’t used in years?  I was never really in management so why should I keep all of the paperwork that I used to order material and other stuff in the past.    What if keeping all of that stuff is keeping me tied to a job I really don’t want to be at anymore?  Don’t get me wrong.  I work for a good company.  I have excellent coworkers.  I have a gravy job that allows my characters to talk to me and essay/blog/novel ideas to come to the surface while I work.  I just don’t agree with the management style and what things people get away with.  I try not to let this bother me, but it’s hard not to.    The more I write the more I know this is really want to do now and for my retirement.  I would love it if I could write til the day I die.

As I look at my job life, I have to think about all of the crap I have in my house.  For example, my utensil drawer in my kitchen.  It’s not huge, but there’s a lot of stuff crammed in it.  I thought I cleaned it out in April when I was packing up the kitchen before the house deal fell through, but I guess I didn’t clean it out good enough. I will have to go thru it again.  Thank God we are having a garage sale in April.

How do I really know what I really need?  This is something I need to get clear on.  What I have and why I am holding on to it.  Sometimes I’m afraid to give something away that someone gave me.  If they are deceased I wonder if they can see that I’m giving what they gave me away.  I know this is kinda silly, but sometimes I wonder.  Or would they be happy that I’m giving it away?  I wonder if keeping something is keeping me from something else?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Being sick these last couple of weeks has made me question a lot of areas in my life.   I’ve noticed a lot of areas in my house/life that are clogged with stuff and need to be cleaned out.  This isn’t even one of the posts I wrote when I was sick and or in Vegas.  I wrote it after I cleaned out my desk last week Monday.

Being sick really sucked, but I’m grateful, too, because it has made me think about things I haven’t thought of in awhile or if ever.  I know I need to change things in my life to get to where I want to go and this is what my blog posts will probably be about for the next couple of months.

Thanks for being with me on my journey.

 

 

 

QP Dilly Dilly

I have watched a lot of tv these last couple of weeks while being sick.  I kept seeing the “Dilly Dilly” Bud Light commercials.  I didn’t get it.  Dilly Dilly.  What the hell does that mean? I thought I was the only one who didn’t know what those two words meant.

I googled it.  It turns out that “Dilly Dilly” doesn’t mean anything.  According to Anheuser-Busch InBev Chief Marketing Officer Miguel Patricia “I think we all need our moments of nonsense and fun.  I think that “Dilly Dilly” in a way represents that.”

I feel better now that I know that “Dilly Dilly” means absolutely nothing.  It’s nice to know that even CMO’s can have fun.  Thanks Miguel.  I will be saying these two words more often.

Dilly Dilly, my friends.  Dilly Dilly.