Sometimes It Sucks To Be A Responsible Adult

Saturday night I woke up at 2:30 am thinking about if I should gather important papers in case something happens to us on our upcoming trip.¬† ¬†I’m not trying to be morbid or anything.¬† I just like to be organized.¬† I know sometimes I can be too organized, but I don’t think this is one of those times.

I was awake for an hour before stuff stopped rolling around in my head.¬† ¬†I know I would have to gather bank statements, life insurance, etc.¬† ¬†If I did leave out papers they would be mine because Steve’s sister knows where all of his papers are.¬† ¬†I never thought about doing this before so this is kinda weird.¬† Should I gather documents or shouldn’t I?¬† I doubt if anything is going to happen to me, but you never know and I always like to be on the safe side.¬† If I did, where would I leave the manilla envelope?¬† My mom will be bringing in the mail so I don’t want to leave it on the kitchen table and freak her out.¬† My brother will be staying at the house so I don’t want to leave it on the coffee table or anything and freak him out.¬† On second thought he probably wouldn’t notice because he’d be too busy watching tv (he doesn’t have cable at his house).

Maybe that’s why I was blah on Sunday.¬† Maybe the shooting in Vegas bothered me more than I realized.¬† It sure has made me think about a lot of things.¬† My death.¬† Steve’s death.¬† Do we have everything we need in writing?¬† We had our wills done earlier this year, but we still have to decide on burial.¬† I want to be cremated and buried in the same cemetery my dad, my dad’s parents and two of my cousins are in and Steve doesn’t know.¬† I know I want to be buried with my husband.¬† We have to discuss this further and come to some decision.

My mom and I have talked about my wishes so she kinda knows about what I want and my documents are easy to find, but will she think so?¬† I think that thinking and preparing for death is what we have to do in the second half of our life.¬† As unpleasant as that sounds, it’s what we have to do.¬† Be responsible and have the details figured out.¬† I don’t think it’s fair to leave this to our loved ones we leave behind to decided what we should have decided for ourselves.¬†¬†¬† ¬† The shooting has made me think of how short and precious life is, how the unimaginable can happen in a heartbeat and how we should be somewhat prepared.

Are we ever prepared to die unexpectedly?¬† I don’t think so.¬† I’ve had a good life.¬† If I died tomorrow I would have some regrets.¬† One of them is that I didn’t fulfill my writing dream yet.¬† I would like to get my writing published before I die, but I believe in reincarnation and maybe I have done as much as I need to do in this lifetime, but that is another post.¬† Lately everything is another post.¬† ¬†I know I don’t want to die before I realize my writing dream.¬† Am I ready to die?¬† No, but I know that decision isn’t up to me.

Maybe I’ll just write a letter to my niece and tell her how I feel.¬† I would hate for something to happen and not have written a letter before hand.¬† She’s almost sixteen and hasn’t had a good life death wise. Her uncle committed suicide ten years ago.¬† Two of her very good friends committed suicide — one was two years ago and the other was six months ago.¬† I try to be as involved in her life as I can be.¬† She lives about forty five minutes away from me and I worry about her.¬† I don’t get to see her nearly enough.¬† I do call her and text her.¬† She would be the only one I would write a letter to.¬† I love her and I want her to know how much I love her and why.¬† In fact, I think I wrote a post about this awhile ago.¬† I told her to read it, but I don’t think she did.

This is definitely not the post I thought I’d write today and it’s probably not the post you thought you would be reading.

“That’s life, kid.¬† People die.”¬† My dad used to tell me this.¬† I can hear his voice clearly in my head.

I’ll let you know what I decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Post About Nothing

I’m kinda sad today.¬† We had to close our trailer today and say good-bye to friends until next spring.¬† It feels weird to say “Have a nice winter” when it’s 70 degrees outside and I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt in October in Wisconsin.¬† It almost seems to early too close, but I know the owner of the campground would totally disagree.

Early this morning I walked around the campground.¬† I hate this day.¬† The campground looks so desolate and bleak.¬† Decks are empty.¬† Lawn decorations are put away.¬† Slide outs are in.¬† It’s sterile.¬† Cold.¬† A ghost town.

It means winter is coming.¬† It means snow and cold.¬† It means winter jackets and mittens.¬† It means scraping vehicle windows to get the frost off when I get out of work.¬† It means not being able to open windows to get fresh air in because it’s 10 degrees outside.¬† It means I can’t look at my beautiful flowers on my deck when I pull in my driveway because my deck is bare.

Seasons change.¬† Maybe I’m changing and maybe so is my writing, but that is another post.¬† Summer changes to fall and fall changes to winter.

Maybe I’m feeling a little bleak.¬† I said I would post on Sundays and Wednesdays, but I really don’t feel like posting today.¬† Nothing I wanted to write about flowed.¬† ¬†We are on 10 hours mandatory overtime and it’s kicking my butt.¬† I’m tired and crabby and don’t feel like doing anything except for vegging on the couch.¬† I took a nap today, but I still feel out of sorts.¬† I’m hoping my upcoming trip to Vegas will help get me out of this slump.¬† A whole week off.¬† I can’t tell you when I have taken a whole week off.¬† It’s been a long time.¬† ¬†I can sit on a chair in front of a slot machine with a drink in my hand (and normally I don’t drink) and relax.¬† No ringing phone (no calling me except if it’s an emergency), no work, no chores.¬† Just relaxation.

Sorry about my blahness.¬† I’m going to bed.¬† We are still on 10 hours next week.¬† I’m grateful I have a job that pays well, but I just don’t want to work the hours anymore.¬† I want to write and the overtime is totally messing with my schedule.¬† Those two extra hours a day make a big difference and I’m not getting my writing time in.

Yes, I am bringing a notebook to Vegas so I can write.

Good night and have a great day.

Yes I Am Still Going To Vegas

My plane leaves for Las Vegas in less two weeks.¬† I’m excited, but also have a heavy heart.¬† My heart goes out to everyone that was at the music festival and I pray for everyone daily, but my trip has been planned since April and I am going.¬† There are three reasons why that I will share with you below.

  1. ¬†I’m not letting some random dead guy (there are plenty of other words I could use describe this guy, but he’s not worth the time or effort so I’m just calling him dead guy) dictate what I’m going to do, where I am going to go and when I’m going to do it.¬† The reality is that if the right person is in the same place I am I can get shot anywhere….at work, at the grocery store, in my home, etc.¬† I think every time a shooting happens we are more aware of how it can happen anywhere and at anytime.¬† Unfortunately I can’t hide from it.¬† It sucks, but this is reality.¬† It makes us realize how vulnerable we are and how precious life is and lives are.¬† I can’t stop living,¬† live in fear or stop doing what I love just because there are people like the dead guy out there.¬† People like him scare the shit out of me, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life.

2.¬† Vegas is a tourist town.¬† This is how people make their living.¬† If people stop going¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† businesses suffers and people get laid off and things spiral downwards.¬† The¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† gunman did more than kill innocent people.¬† He messed with their livelihood.¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†From what I understand the airport cancelled flights and some casinos were shut¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†down.¬† This is a loss of income for the people of Vegas .¬† People need to eat.¬† People¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† need to pay their bills.¬† Traveling to Vegas is my way of helping the city getting¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† back to normal — whatever normal is right now.¬† I want to go.¬† I want to help.¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Vegas needs me to go.

3.¬† I LOVE Vegas!!!!¬† I love the food.¬† I love the architecture.¬† I love the art.¬† I love the¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† vibe.¬† I love the casinos.¬† I love the shopping.¬† I love waking up to the mountain¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† views.¬† I love the energy and lights of the Strip.¬† I love the different hotels and how¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† each of them has their own vibe.¬† I love that my husband loves Vegas as much as I¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† do — he’s the one that got me hooked.¬† What I love most about Vegas really has¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† nothing to do with Vegas, but with my husband and how we get to spend five days¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† together.¬† No work.¬† No daily grind.¬† Just us.¬† Together.

I know this trip will be different because I have a heavy heart, but life has to go on.¬† ¬† There’s no way I can go there and not think about what happened.¬† The city is grieving and will continue to grieve for a long time.¬† Will I be more aware of my surroundings?¬† You betcha.¬† Am I aware that there is a small possibility that another shooting could possibly occur?¬† Absolutely.¬† If it happens and I die then I was my turn to die.¬† My name was on that big chalkboard in the sky.¬† There’s nothing I can do about it.

I didn’t think about cancelling my trip once after the shooting.

F U dead guy.  You are not winning.   (Sorry for the language).

A Try At Poetry

We lay in bed side by side

My back is snuggled against your belly

Your arm is wrapped around my front

Our fingers entwined

I feel loved and protected

I close my eyes and sigh

My favorite way to fall asleep

 

I don’t know why, but I woke up at 3 am this morning with this poem (is it even a poem?) in my head.¬† I normally don’t write poetry nor do I read it so I don’t even know what to classify the above as.

What I have been trying to do is get my writing out of my head and on paper.¬† I have a lot of ideas swimming inside of my head that I need to get out, but I’m not sure some of the ideas are even worth writing down.¬† Sometimes what I feel is awesome in my head doesn’t necessarily come out as awesome on paper.

I feel I have too many essays, blog posts and other writing adventures started, but nothing is finished.¬† I am close to finishing some, but not others.¬† I am currently working on the projects that are close to being done, but the other projects that I’m not working on demand attention in my head as well.

In the past I have started writing and then quit because I was overwhelmed with too many ideas in my head.¬† I would start and quit.¬† Start and quit.¬† I didn’t know how to deal with current writing projects and new ideas that come into my head.

This is what I am trying to deal with right now — not to become overwhelmed.¬† To give myself time to work on projects and time to write notes for upcoming projects.¬† Basically to give all of the voices in my head a voice.

I think it’s pretty cool to wake up at 3 a.m. with the possibility of a poem in my head.¬† It shows me I’m expanding and I’m excited about that.

I’m happy with possible poem.¬† What are your thoughts on my possible poem?¬† Is it good?¬† Does it suck?¬† Is it even a poem?¬† I would like to hear all of your thoughts — positive or negative.

Thanks for reading.  I appreciate all of you.

 

I Want To Express My Soul

I have never really taken up a lot of space in this world.¬† For my whole 52 years of life I have stayed quiet in a corner.¬† Not really saying much or causing the focus of the world to be on me.¬† I’ve never wanted to be the center of attention or have the attention on me.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with anger.¬† Maybe, now, it’s because I want to be heard.¬† I want to be more of who I am.¬† I want to do what is important to me.¬† I want to matter.

I want to express my soul.

I realized today that maybe I’m angry because I want to take up more space in the world than I currently am.¬† I’m growing, learning and becoming more of myself.¬† As I change and grow and become more of the new me I am becoming stronger.¬† The stronger I become the more aware I am of what I need and want.¬† The more I become me the more space I am going to take up in the world.

Things that weren’t important to me are now important to me.¬† For example, my husband fixes lawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, snow blowers, etc. in the garage on the weekends.¬† I encourage him to do this because this is relaxing to him and it gives him the down time he needs after being on the road all week.¬† Most importantly, he enjoys it.¬† During the week I try to get all of my stuff done so help him get what he needs to get done while he’s home.

For the last couple of months something has been nagging at me in the back of my head.¬† How come I don’t make time for myself and my dreams like I make time for my husband’s?¬† During the week I make sure there is food for him to eat (sometimes) and that his favorite towels and his laundry is washed when he gets home.¬† I run whatever errands he needs.¬† I do whatever needs to be done.¬† Isn’t that what a truck driver’s wife is suppose to do?¬†¬†My life basically runs around him and what he needs.

What about me?¬† What about what I need and want?¬† Why am I not treating myself like I treat my husband?¬† I think this is where my anger stems from because needs and wants that I never knew about or I did and I pushed back down are now coming to the surface.¬† They demand to be dealt with.¬† ¬†As I grow and change I’m realizing I want to take up more space in the world.¬† I want shout out to the world “Here I am.¬† Are you ready for me?”

Admitting this rocks the boat.¬† It unbalances things.¬† I don’t ask for a lot.¬† I don’t need a lot.¬† I guess…until now.

It’s not that I’m unhappy in my marriage because I’m not.¬† I’m very happy.¬†¬†¬†I just want more.¬† I don’t think this is wrong.¬† I want to expand me and who I am.¬† I’m getting to know the real me and this is awesome and scary at the same time. I’m feeling very raw right now.¬† I’m not sure how to express the new me and what I want and need.¬† ¬†I know¬† the balance needs to change to include more of me and I’m not exactly sure how to do this.

Balance.¬† This is what I need to find.¬† I need to find a balance between taking care of me and my needs (that unruly, bossy, sometimes uncontrollable, stubborn four year old inside of me that wants/needs to be heard) and my husbands.¬† It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just a new beginning.

Today I’m not worried about sentence structure, paragraphing or any of that other stuff.¬† I just need to get my feelings out on paper.¬† It’s not finished.¬† There’s probably stuff I forgot to include and that is ok.¬† When I started this blog I wanted to share my menopause journey and all of the messy, hard parts and this is one of them.

Thanks for following and/or reading my messed up menopause journey.

Have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Think I Might Try NaNoWriMo

Did you know that November is National Novel Month?¬† I didn’t.¬† I never heard of it before.

NaNoWriMo is a writing project that challenges you to commit to writing 50,000 words in the month of November while writing the first draft of a novel.¬† At the end of 30 days you’re not suppose to have a ready manuscript to submit to a publisher.¬† You are only suppose to finish your first draft.

This sounds very interesting and has me thinking….

I have a novel that is swimming around in my head.  I have written small parts of chapters and figured out some characters, but nothing more.  My notes are all in a folder on my couch.   I keep writing bits and pieces and  putting them in the folder.  I was going to look at the folder this weekend because I would like to organize my notes and see where I am and where I would like to go.

Doing NaNoWriMo would be a huge challenge —¬† an emotional and time challenge.¬† This would take huge amounts of time.¬† I think I would basically have to give up the month of November, but what’s the big deal.¬† ¬†It’s snowing and cold so there’s nothing to do outside.¬† The camper will be closed so my weekends are free.¬† Who cares if the house is clean or if supper is made ūüôā

I would like to do this to see if I can finish a novel in 30 days or to see how far I get.  It would be interesting to see how many words I can write in a month, what roadblocks come up and how I would deal with them, and how I would push myself to write.

I would have to write 1,667 words a day.¬† The number is a little daunting.¬† I post 500 to 800 words twice a week.¬† The daily goal would be like writing two or three blog posts a day.¬† I think that would be doable, but tough.¬† Maybe once I got into the groove of writing that much a day it wouldn’t be bad.¬† Or maybe it would still be bad.¬† I don’t know.

All I know is that I would like to try it.¬† I think it’s time to expand my life a little.

I think I’m going to go check out their blog (blog.nanowrimo.org) to see if I can learn more about what I want to get myself into.

I know I need to keep my expectations low.¬† I realize at that end of November I’m not going to have a novel ready to send to a publisher.¬† Nor am I going to be signing a million dollar contract.¬† But what I might have is a wonderful first draft of a novel that I can edit in 2018 or I might have a crappy first draft of a novel that I toss because it sucks that bad.

You never know until you try.

I’ll keep you posted on whether I decide to do it or not.

Have you or anyone you know tried NaNoWriMo?¬† I’m very interested in hearing what other people’s opinions are.