The Back Story

I know the letter I wrote to P in my last post was kinda rough so let me explain and give you the back story.

P is a nice woman, but the drives me nuts.  She can’t make a decision to save her soul.  Case in point:  if someone is selling Girl Scout cookies she has to call her husband to see what kind she should order.  (Not me.  I order my favorite cookie and hide them so I can eat them when I want to).

She tries to make everyone happy and put everyone’s needs before her own.  You and I know that you can’t make everyone happy so why try.  What it boils down to is that you need to make yourself happy and she doesn’t have a clue on how to put herself first or make herself happy.

I think if she asserted herself her world would fall apart around her and she wouldn’t know what to do on her own.

I just can’t deal with that behavior anymore.  I’ve worked hard to get to where I am.  Especially after menopause kicked in.  I’ve went to counseling and read books and wrote in my journal.  I started my blog.  I try to do one thing a week that scares me.  I’ve change.  I’m a different person.

I don’t drag my feel (well sometimes…).  I don’t blame my problems on other people.  I am hands on.  I am straight forward.  I like to learn new things.  I don’t take no for an answer.

I am a strong, independent woman.  I’m not afraid to speak up for myself.  I need to speak up for myself.  I want to speak up for myself.

I am in control of my life (for the most part).  I know where I want to go and what crap I am going to put up with.  If any.

I want to work with people who lift me up and support me.  That will motivate me to achieve my dreams.  That will call me on my shit and won’t put up with it.  I want positive people around me who love to learn and grow and encourage me to do the same.

Unfortunately these are not qualities she possesses.  I don’t they will ever be qualities she possesses.

I can’t pussy foot around the situation anymore so I try to stay away.  I will only help her if I have to and that time will be limited.  If I have to, I will sit down with my boss and her boss and tell them how I feel.  Not that it will do any good.  Work is work and I get that.  I just need to get it off of my chest.  They need to know how I feel and why.

She drives everyone nuts.  It’s not just me.  They get it.

She drains me because she talks about the same thing day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year.  Nothing changes.  It can’t because she won’t change.

I want to move forward.  I want to change.  I want to grow.

I want to be a better person.

Sometimes in life you have to leave people behind.  I choose to leave J behind.  As mean as that sounds it’s something I have to do.  I can’t have someone bringing me down all of the time.

I have to do what is best for me.  Whether she gets it or not.

 

 

I Can’t Help You

Dear P

I can’t help you if you’re not willing to stand up for yourself and your beliefs.  I can’t help you if you are unwilling to change and or think any of the problems you are having partially or maybe all your fault.

I can’t help you if you don’t push back.  If you don’t believe you are a worthy human being.  If you want to make everyone happy or do what works best for everyone.  I can’t help you if you don’t/ won’t/can’t see that you can’t make everyone happy.  You have to make yourself happy first.

I can’t help you if don’t see that you’ve been sitting in the same situation for the past how many years and you don’t do anything to change your behavior or the way you think about things.  I’ve suggested counseling to help you learn other ways of dealing with this problem.  I’ve told you ways of dealing with the situation that I would use, but day after day you keep doing the same thing in the same way.

I can’t help you if you are unwilling to help yourself.  If you are willing to sit in the same pile of shit day after day and stay there.  Same soap box.  Wearing the same rose colored glasses.  Speaking the same messed up words.  Open your eyes.

I can’t help you because I have been down this road and turned off of it a long, long time ago.  The oh feel sorry for me because so and so is making my life a living hell and I can’t do anything about it.  I don’t want to be on that road or even near it.  It is clogged with negativity, fear and hopelessness.  I’m done being a victim.

I can’t help you if I want to keep my sanity.  I want to move in a positive direction in my life and being sympathetic to your story that you repeat to me day after day after day sucks the life out of me.  I can’t deal with it.  I don’t want to deal with it.  Honestly, my ears are sick of hearing it.

I’m done.  I can’t listen to your problems anymore.  I can’t even try to help you anymore.  I don’t want to be in your space anymore.  I’m not even sorry that I can’t help you anymore.

I just can’t help you.

Chrissy

 

Saturday Morning

I worked last Saturday from 11 am to 4 pm.  I love working on Saturday because I have time to think.  There isn’t a lot of people work.  I can work by myself and not have to talk to many people.

One of my coworkers was sitting at a table alone labeling.  I didn’t want her to come over and sit at my table so I put a bunch of stuff on that side of the table to pretend I had a lot of stuff to get done.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone or look at anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.   I wanted to think about some chapter issues that I was having with my novel and decide on some character traits of a character in a menopause romance short story I am working on.  These issues have been dancing around in my head and Saturday was the perfect time to think about them.

Later on I was thinking about what I would say if she came over and asked if she could sit by me.  I would tell her that it was nothing personal but I didn’t want her to sit by me because I wanted to be alone.  Would I hurt her feelings?  Probably.

Why am I hurting her feelings by telling her what I need?  I am being honest.  This is what I needed at the time.  I need to be alone.  I could tell her that I would talk to her on Monday or maybe later when I feel like talking but right now I needed to be alone.

I was taught to be nice to people.  To put their needs above mine and not to hurt their feelings.

This shit needs to stop.

I will always try to be nice to people, but I need to stop putting people’s needs above mine.  I need to put myself first, but how do I get past all of the ingrained stuff in my head?  All of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

I’ve got to take it day by day.  One learning experience at a time.  And find what works for me.

I know I’m on the right path.  I just need to keep moving forward.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

 

Am I Being Selfish?

Yesterday I didn’t go visit my sister-in-law, L, in the hospital.

For the last twenty four hours I’ve been questioning myself if I did the right thing.

Let me rephrase that.  I know I did the right thing.  For me.  Is that selfish?

My husband and I spent from 10 am til 6 pm on Labor Day at the hospital where my sister-in-law had surgery.  She had several blood clots in her left leg.  It was a very serious situation.  She had another surgery on Tuesday and went home yesterday.

I just couldn’t go yesterday.  I know my limits.  We are on ten hours mandatory overtime.  The hospital is 45 minutes away.  I would have had to leave here by 9 am and be to work by 1 pm.  I gave myself four hours because of traffic and whatever else might happen.  If she would have been to the hospital in town I would have easily gone.

Honestly I have been dragging butt all week and I needed to sleep.

I did what was best for me.  Is that selfish?

It feels like it to me.  This is what I am struggling with lately.  As I try to figure out who I am after menopause, I feel more needy.  Not as in the whiny needs to a two year old (well some days…..), but as a woman coming into her own I am more aware of what my needs are now more than I ever have been.  That said, I am also aware of how I put my needs above other people’s needs.  Even my husbands.  There are certain situations where I tell him he has to fend for himself because I want to write or do what I need to do.

I put myself last a lot over the past 53 years of my life.

Putting myself first is new territory for me.  It feels weird.  When you put other people first you know what they need because they tell you.  When you put yourself first you actually have to know what you want and be able to put it into a sentence.  I want/need to sleep.  I want/need to write.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want.  I know I want something, but I can’t put it into words.  It’s just a feeling.

My husband and I will go visit L on Sunday.  I have to work from 11 am to 4 pm tomorrow.  My husband will be home late tomorrow night.

In a way I feel selfish, but I am also proud of myself.   I need to start taking better care of myself and saying no is part of that road.  It won’t always be easy.  It won’t always be fun, but it’s something I need to do for me.

I come first.  Not last.  My world is shifting.  My views are shifting.  I am shifting.

It’s about time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Sunday

There are a lot of things I am grateful for this week. Here’s the list.

1. Everyone that helped us this week with everything.

2. Our trailer. I needed to get away and be with family this weekend.

3. For my husband and everything he does for me

4. That we are going to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks.

5. That we have house insurance.

6. Our golf cart. I love to cruise around the campground on it even though I told my husband we didn’t need it. He bought it anyway.

7. That I get to more time to write this weekend.

8. We get a 3 day weekend.

9. That we are taking a couple of days to relax.

10. I get to have fish and chips at my favorite restuarant tonight. The salad bar at this restuarant has three soups and a ton of fresh veggies to put on your salad. It’s amazing. I love it!

Have a relaxing weekend!

What I Learned From Saturday Night

Even though what happened on Saturday night was terrible and heartbreaking, I have learned a couple of things that I’d like to share with you.

I feel like blogging again.  Yeah.

The man died.  His name was Mark and he was 64.  He had a heart attack.   It turns out that I used to work with his daughter in law.  Small world.  He and his son had just spent a week together at their cabin.  A week together was a nice gift to give his son.

That I don’t want to die in a parking lot.  I’ve been thinking a lot about death in the last couple of days.  I know we can’t pick where we want to die, but I would like to die…  Hold on a second.  I don’t think there is a really good place to die.  Someone has to see it or find you…..  OK.  There is no good place.  Next.

I need to take better care of myself.  If I don’t want to die in a parking lot, I need to start eating healthier.  While I wrote notes for this blog on break I ate a banana.  Not chips or chocolate.  A banana.  I would love to have chocolate, but I see him dying  in the parking lot and I know I need to make a healthier choice.  I get that the damage of my unhealthy eating over the years has probably made it’s mark on my body and their isn’t a reverse on that, but I can try to do better from this point on.  It may be too late.  I don’t know.  But I can try.

I have probably been looking at Saturday night from the wrong perspective.  For the last couple of days all I can think about is that his son couldn’t save him.  That’s heartbreaking.  I prayed to God (I’m not a prayer.  I think this is most I have ever prayed) to give the son strength, courage, forgiveness and love.  I was talking about this with my husband today and he looks at it this way.  He didn’t die alone.  His son was with him doing all that he could to do to save him.  He could feel his son’s love as he died.  I like this and I am comforted with my husband’s way of looking at.

I know my time on this earth is limited.  I know I’ve written about this before.  When we are young we think our days will last forever and we will live forever.  I am not going to live forever nor do I want to.  I want to make my days count.  What items are on my bucket list?  What do I want to do?  You know what the funny thing is?  In these last couple of years I feel like I just started living.  I don’t know what I was doing before that.  Surviving.  Menopause has given me a voice and an attitude  and I have just begun to share that.

I want to write more.  I want to help people through my writing.  This is the mark I want to leave on this world.  My words.  This has always been a goal of mine.   Helping people through my writing is part of my personal mission statement.

A lot of people don’t want to talk about death.  I used to be like that.  If I don’t talk about it then I don’t have to deal with it.  Since my dad died I am more willing to talk about it.  We have to be.  The older you get the closer to death you get.  Maybe it would be easier if we knew what happened after we died.  We don’t and I think that is the scary part.  Death isn’t easy.  It sucks.  OK.  I’ve written enough about it tonight.

I have always been afraid of being alone at night.  I never knew what spirits of dead people were around me.  Tonight I am alone and afraid.  It’s silly that I am afraid.  Is my dad around?  My grandparents?  Someone I hated?  I’m not afraid that someone might break in.  I’m afraid of what spirits might by in my house.  Interesting.  I just realized this tonight.  I’ll have to think about this.  I wonder why I’m afraid.  I don’t even watch those ghost hunting shows.

And last, but not least tell the people that you love that you love them today.

You might not have tomorrow.

I love each of you.  Thanks for reading my blog.