My To Do List

Smile

Be kind to myself and others because everyone has their own struggles

Eat healthy

Say yes to adventure

Love and cherish my husband and my marriage

Do one thing each day that gets me closer to achieving my dreams

Be grateful for my job and the things it allows me to have

Let good into my life

Nourish my soul

Be patient with myself and others

Take a risk

Love who I am — inside and out

Give a stranger a compliment

Be grateful for the people, places and things in my life

Own my mistakes

Give friends and family a hug and tell them I love them

Appreciate and respect the money in my life

Look for the good in people

Live simply

 

 

Issues With Finding a $50 Bill

Last Friday I walked into the mini-mart to pay for gas.  I get to the register and out of the corner of my eye I catch what I think is the corner of a $ bill.  I look down.  Holy shit!  It’s a $50 bill on top of the Extra gum.  OMG!  I slide the $50 into my pocket, paid for my gas and quickly left.

I didn’t turn it in.  I felt a little guilty about this, but I felt if I found it then I should keep it.  If I knew who dropped it I would have gladly given it back.  I felt bad that I didn’t return it so at work I asked a few people’s opinion on if I did the right thing.  I received mixed reviews.  I believe in karma and that I should do the right thing and be honest.  I would have liked to return it to the owner because if I lost $50 (or anything of value) I would hope someone would be honest and return it to me.

Questions started to form in my head.  What if the person who lost the $50 needed it to buy groceries?  What if the person who lost the $50 was well off and shrugged the loss off to his fault for being in a hurry?  What if it was an elderly person who was on a limited budget?

This is how screwed up I am about money.  I’m embarrassed to be sharing this part of my life, but part of the reason I started this blog was to share my story (good or bad) so I’m putting it out there.

The thing I learned from this is that I believe that I shouldn’t gain because of someone else’s misfortune.  This is a stupid belief and I have no idea where it came from.

First of all — what is misfortune?  Google defines it as “bad luck or an unfortunate condition or event”.

Second of all  — why do I let misfortune guide my life?  People gain from other people’s misfortunes every day.  One person gets a job because someone else is sick and can’t make the interview.  A small business gets in over their head financially and a bigger company buys them out.  These are the only two examples I could come up with at the moment.

I definitely need to change the beliefs I have about money.  They are not working for me anymore.  I don’t know what I’m going to replace them with, but I have to replace them with something positive and uplifting and that gives permission to have the money I want in my life.

After thinking about how I let money into my life, I realize that there are only two ways I allow money into my life — my job and the lottery/gambling.  Laugh if you will.  I’m shaking my head.  It’s interesting and ridiculous at the same time.  How could I be this closed off mentally for this long?  How did I not know I had these beliefs?

Maybe this is why I haven’t achieved my dream of becoming a published author because I won’t let myself get paid for my writing because it’s not on the list of how I’m supposed to get paid.   It’s ridiculous and angers me, but that is a whole different blog post for a different day.

I’m saving the $50 for when we go to Vegas in October.  Maybe it will bring me luck when I play the slot machines.  🙂

 

I Wish I Knew What The Future Holds

We put an offer on a house on Saturday.  I was excited.  My husband was excited.  I loved this house.  I felt it was exactly what we were looking for.  I thought for sure our offer would be accepted.

I received a text from my agent about an hour ago saying the seller accepted a different offer.

F#@k!  Are we not meant to have a house?  A coworker texted me “I guess you weren’t meant to have that house”.  But if not that house which one will it be and how long will it take?

I’m trying to stay optimistic.  I’m trying to stay hopeful, but damn it, I wish I knew what the future held.  I wish I knew what direction is I was suppose to go in.  I wish I knew what I was suppose to do next.  I wish someone out of nowhere would say “I know his is the perfect house for you.  Put a offer on it and it’s yours.”

I wish.  I wish.  I wish.

I keep seeing butterflies.  Butterfies flying in the yard.  Butterflies flying past my truck while I’m driving.  I even saw a butterfly flying around in the building at work last week. I Googled it and butterflies mean change.  That leads me to wonder how my life is going to change.  For good or for bad.  They have been beautiful monarch butterflies so I hope that means for the good.

If only we could see what the future holds…but then life wouldn’t full of challenges would it?  We wouldn’t learn anything and we wouldn’t move forward.

So I guess it’s back to the drawing board.  I gotta put on my big girl pants, put myself back out there and go find us a house.

 

 

 

 

Do I Push Money Away?

My husband and I took our change the we had been saving for the last two years to the credit union to cash it in.  My husband wheeled it into the credit union in my yellow garden wagon.  There were funny looks and some whistles.  It took almost forty-five minutes to run it through the change machine.  End the end we had over two thousand dollars.

Two thousand dollars.  Holy crap!!!

On the way to work I was all smiles and very happy.  I was proud of my husband and I for saving that much.  But as the day wore on my good mood faded and doubt and worry kicked in. I wondered if I deserved to have that much money.  Why I was wondering this I don’t know.  It’s been our money all along — we just didn’t know how much was in the containers.  Then I wondered what if something happens and I loose it all?  Why I was thinking this I don’t know.  We had the change in the house and something could have happened, but didn’t.

Negative thoughts.  Fear.  Negative thoughts.  Fear.

Then I thought — I’m 52 years old and I deserve to have a lot of money.  Why can’t I have over two thousand dollars and feel good about it?  Screw good — what about feeling GREAT????!!!!!

Honestly, I’ve had a problem with letting money into my life my whole life.  I never thought I deserved it or was worth it.  I’ve always wanted a lot of money, but I have always wanted to stay small and not attract any attention to myself and my talents.  I don’t know where the idea of staying small comes into play.  Maybe it comes from being bullied when I was a kid.  Maybe I felt if I didn’t draw attention to myself then I wouldn’t be bullied??

I know if I want money I have to get big and let people see me and my talents. And then I will have to deal with my insecurities and everything else that comes up while I’m getting big.

On the flip side, that leads me to a whole bunch of questions.    If I have a lot of money will my friends be my friends?  Will people be jealous of me and/or hate me?  Will people hound me for money?  And the BIG question — do I deserve it?

How do I begin to think/feel that I deserve to have money?  Do daily affirmations? Write in my journal about my insecurities?  I’ve tried all of this before and it hasn’t worked for me.  Wait.  It has a little bit, but how do I find out what is truly keeping me from letting money in?  How do I excavate whatever belief(s) I have from deep within me?  This is what I have problems with.  Over the years I have become a little wealthier, but not where I want to be.  It’s been a slow process, but I have overcome some of my issues and danced around (but never fully embraced) the rest of my issues

I think menopause throws our issues and/or parts of ourselves onto the table and we have to deal with them – whether we want to or not.   We don’t get a choice.  Our issues bug us or haunt us until we deal with them and work through them.  We have to learn to get out of our own way.  We have to learn what we were put on this earth to do and give ourselves the love and space we need to figure it out.

I think finding our real selves is the part of menopause that is really hard.  We have to find our real selves.  We have to dig deep.  We have to be gentle with ourselves and the people are around because as we change our relationships with the people around us change as well.  Some people may not like this.  They may feel threatened by it, but that’s not our problem.  We can’t let this stop us from finding our true selves.

Something deep inside of me is stopping me from making/getting/having money into my life and this is the current issue I have to deal with.  It’s what menopause threw on my table.  It’s messy, ugly and probably mixed in with other issues I have to deal with, but so what.  That’s life.    I am a women going through menopause.  I am an adult and adults deal with things. I’m scared to see what is really there, but I have to do it.  I have to keep digging.  I can’t let the issues from my past dictate my life and keep me from what I know I’m suppose to be doing and having money.

I have to find a way to let money into my life.

Thanks for reading this post and have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a problem lately with people telling me what to do — no matter if it’s my mom, husband, family member, coworker, neighbor or stranger.  I get all prickly and my menopause mad kicks in.  I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.  I can decide for myself what I want to do.

For example the following situation happened at work last week:

   “Why didn’t you come in at 1 p.m. today?” A coworker asked me last week when I came in at 2 p.m. which is my normal starting time. “You know we are busy.”  

      I didn’t respond, but what rant went on in my head — I know we are busy, but I didn’t feel like coming on at 2 today.  It’s not mandatory.    There are things that I needed to do for myself  — like write for an hour.  I feel this is more important to my well being than coming in at 2.  I didn’t want to come in at 2 and I’m not feeling guilty about it.

I don’t know what to say.  It’s like I have this 4 year old that comes to the surface and has a tantrum.  She gets mad and says “You’re not going to tell me what do.  I’m smart enough and old enough to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I will decide what is best for me.”

You have to understand something.  This isn’t me.  This really has never been me.  This isn’t the way I usually react to these situations.  This isn’t who I am.

Until now.

Until this menopause thing kicked in.

My fits come on like hot flashes — from the inside and boil out.  No warnings.  Just words tumbling out of my mouth.  No rhyme.  No reason.  Just tumbling.

It embarrasses me.  It makes me feel bad because I don’t know this part of myself.  I don’t know how to control her.  People probably think I’m a bitch, but I don’t know how to stop it.  I actually scares me to be like this sometimes because this is not me.  I used to be calm, quiet, and not allowed bothered me, but now look out.

For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to stand up for myself.  I’m not afraid to stand up for what I want and what I need and what is important to me.  This isn’t a bad thing.   It’s a good thing.  I’m just not used to being like this.

I feel like I’m coming into my own, but I’m not sure what my own is.  It’s funny because I don’t know who this person is, but I know it’s part of the real me coming to the surface.   It’s uncomfortable territory, but I ready to see what is there and who I really am and what she wants and needs.

Look out ’cause here I come!

 

 

 

Why Do We Work? Surprise. Surprise.

Work.  It’s something most of us do 40+ hours a week.  But why?  Why do we work?  More importantly — why do you work?

Is it because it’s what you were told you were suppose to do since you were little?  Because you want things?  Because you have bills to pay and or kids to support?  Because you want to make your parents happy?

Do you have the job that you have because it’s your career and you love it?  Because it’s the job you have had since high school and you feel comfortable?  Because you need money now and you can go after your dream job later?

I have worked with the same company for the last twenty years.  I have had five different positions, but none of them really have fulfilled me.   I have always felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole at work.  I have always wanted to be a writer, but never went fully after my dream.

Until now.

Most of my job consists of  sorting and picking orders.  And the funny thing I realized last night while laying in bed is that my dad did the same job in a different company how thirty years ago.  I always was a daddy’s girl and I always wanted to be like him. Isn’t it weird that I would have the same job as he had and not realize it?  Am I that out of touch with my job self? If I always wanted to be like him then why wouldn’t I have the job as he had?

But the thing is is that I am not him.  I am me and I am an adult.  An adult who is capable of doing anything she wants and that includes being a writer.  I don’t have to be like my dad job wise.  I can be like him in other areas — honest, hard working, loving, kind, but I don’t have to do the same job he did.

Wow.  I didn’t realize I was doing this.  Why I am working in the same job as he did I don’t know.   Wait.  Yes I do.  On some level I still want to be like him even though I am 52 years old and thought I was way past this.  You would have thought I would have realized this sooner.   I wish I would realized this sooner, but now that I realized this I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.  I always wondered why I stayed at my job even thought it didn’t fulfill me.   It’s funny that the things that are the closest to us are the things we don’t see.

This isn’t how I wanted this post to go.  I have notes that I didn’t even look at (maybe I can use them for another post) because my truth came tumbling out of me.  This is the beauty of writing — you have a plan, but then sometimes it gets derailed and something better comes of it.  Sorry if parts don’t make sense.

I wonder what will happen now that I let go of the need to be who my dad was instead of being myself.  It’s not a bad thing that I was who I was, but now it will be interesting to see how things will change.  Maybe I will let go of my job.  Maybe more writing opportunities will present themselves.   Maybe a new me will emerge.  Maybe nothing will happen.  Who knows.

Please excuse me.  I have to go.  I’m going to starting revising the 2nd draft of my romance novel tonight.   Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learn A Different Language

I read the above line on a church reader board right after the Paris attacks.  After thinking about for a couple of days I came up with the following new languages:

Love instead of hate

Compassion instead of anger

Being open minded instead of closed minded

Understanding instead of “my way or the highway” thinking

Tolerance instead of intolerance

Giving instead of taking

Doing things a new way instead of the same ole same ole

Patience instead of gimme right now

Peace instead of unrest

Please and thank you instead of rudeness

Joy instead of sadness

Hope instead of suffering

Sharing instead hoarding

Respect instead of entitlement

I think in one area of our lives each of us could learn a different language.  For me and my menopausal symptoms it would be patience.  I really need to learn how to be more patient.

What about you?  What new language will you learn today?