I Want To Matter

I want my opinion to matter.

I want my feelings to matter.

I want who I am to matter.

I want what I think to matter.

I want my insecurities to matter.

I want my self to matter.

I want my anger to matter.

I want my happiness to matter.

I want what and who I love to matter.

I want what I say to matter.

I want what angers me and disappoints me to matter.

I want the simpliest things to matter.

I want the things that are the hardest things to talk about to matter.

I want the parts of me that are hidden to matter.

I want my tears to matter.

I want what I scream from the rooftops to matter.

I want what I whisper in the middle of the night to matter.

I want every part of who I am to matter.

In the last couple of weeks it feels like I’m cracking open and a new self is emerging. She’s bolder, stronger and more badass than I have ever been.

I’ve been pretty quiet in my relationships and kept a lot inside and dealt with a lot of stuff by myself. Probably because emotions weren’t talked about in my house while growing up and I have carried that through my adult life.

This new me wants her emotions and other things acknowledged and heard. I don’t know how this is going to affect my relationships, but I need to be honest about who I am. I can’t ignore this part of myself anymore.

I’m going to go slow and try to explain myself the best I can. I’m not going to apologize for who I am or what I want. This is the new me.

The more I deal with my past the more I know what I want and need for my future.

Pretty cool eh?

I’m done with writing my anger pages. I think I’m going to let go of my fear next.

Who knows what issues that will bring to the surface, but I’m not worried.

I got this!

A New Drawing

This drawing has been swimming around in my head for the last couple of weeks. I had some time on Saturday afternoon so I decided to use the time to draw.

On the left is a picture of the future and the left is the past.

I wanted to draw a young girl’s face looking out of the dumpster but I couldn’t figure out how.

The young girl I wanted to draw is me looking out and seeing what is really there. I’m finally ready to let go of all that garbage from the past and move forward.

Why this happening at age 55 I don’t know, but I am grateful. I dont know why all of this stuff chose to come to the surface in the last couple of weeks, but I’m glad I’m getting the chance to deal with it.

This pandemic has given me plenty of time to think. I promised myself I would come out a better person at the end of this. Even though were not even close to the end of this pandemic I am a better person. I’m stronger. More vocal. More focused.

More me.

I Miss Seeing Smiles

“I’m smiling under my mask.” I told a woman I just said hello to in the library the other day.

“I’m smiling too.” She said.

I miss seeing people smile.

I know wearing a mask is important. I know we need to do it.

But something is missing.

I miss seeing the quick smile of someone sneaking by me in an isle. I miss seeing the smiles of little kids jumping around. I miss seeing the smiles of friends and family I run into in the store. I miss seeing the smile of my favorite cashier at the grocery store. I miss seeing my mom smile.

I just miss seeing people smile.

Smiles warm your heart. They lift your spirits and give you encouragement.

I think this is part of the reason why my spirits are so low. Seeing people smile makes me smile.

I pray every day for a cure for this virus.

I wear a mask so I can see people smile again.

I, Chrissy, Let Go Of My Anger Completely

I think my anger started coming to the surface a couple of weeks after the Safer At Home order was issued by Gov. Evers.

During those weeks, I was considered essential and had to work. I am grateful for this. What I was angry about (and still a little disappointed about) was the fact that management really didn’t care about their employees while going thru these trying times. The CEO, VP or President didn’t walk through the plant to ask us how we were doing or if there was anything they could help with. I felt invisible.

A month or two ago issues that I need to deal with started coming up from my past with dad. My husband is alot like my dad in some respects so it’s like he’s pushing buttons without even realizing it and bringing things to the surface.

Emotionally my dad wasn’t there for me as a kid. It wasn’t ok to express emotion or communicate feelings. I couldn’t talk to him about important stuff because he didnt believe in having a discussion. It was his way or the highway.

Fast forward to now. I realize I’m kinda in the same boat with my husband. I need him to be there emtionally for me. I hug when I need it. A safe place to cry. I hold a lot of stuff in or deal with it myself. He’s not comfortable with showing emotion either.

I dont know why this is all coming to the surface now and I’m not quite sure how to deal with.

I have a telephone counseling appointment on August 6. I don’t really want to talk with someone over the phone but that is my only option right now

What I am doing in the meantime is trying to get my anger out. Whether it be screaming in the basement or walking or journaling.

I’m also trying this.

Many, many years ago someone told to me to write the sentence below 35 times on a piece if loose leaf paper twice a day for 7 days.

I, Chrissy, let go of my anger completely.

I’m not sure why 35 times. I don’t know why twice a day or why seven days.

It’s been years since I have done it, but I’m trying it again because it works.

Emotionally this is the lowest I’ve been in a long, long time. It’s kind of scary, but the good thing is probably not going to last. I hope.

I’m taking things slow. Getting plenty of rest. Writing in my journal. Breathing.

I’ve heard that dealing with and letting go of childhood issues is hard work but totally worth it on the otherside.

I hope it’s true.

Grateful Friday

This morning I’m trying to be positive while carrying buckets of water upstairs and dumping them outside.

My sump pump isn’t working the greatest. The ditch is full of water because of the three inches of rain we’ve had these last couple of days. The sump pump pipe runs underground to the ditch and since then ditch is full it pumps out but then some of the water stays in the hose. I dont know the complete workings of it.

This week I’m trying to stay positive so I’m going to list what I am grateful for this morning.

1. I was able to experience the quiet of the morning. I started this at 3:30 am and its 5:30 now.

2. My brother in law for being here for me. I texted him at 4:30. He should be here by 7. I know because he was here on Tuesday morning. Dont ask.

3. I don’t need to excercise today because I think carrying a bucket of water up 15 stairs 20 times is good enough.

4. That Flamingo (yes I did name my sump pump. I dont know why) is partially working so that I can take a break.

5. Its Friday.

6. That I can go back to bed for awhile after we get the above ground tube in place. I already cancelled my accupuncture appointment for this morning.

7. That the rain will stop and my ditch will dry up.

Well I better go tend to Flamingo. She’s been going off every 8 minutes.

The Little Things

I love sunflowers.

I put this pot outside my living room window so when I come downstairs in the morning it’s the first thing I see.

They make me smile and they help to start my day on a positive note.

And no matter what is going on in this crazy world we live in right now we need to be positive and look for positive things because what we focus on expands.

Plus its been over 80 degrees for the last two weeks with 1000% humidity. It’s been rough. Everyone is sick of it and crabby. There might be a small break this weekend.

It’s hard to stay positive when it’s this hot/humid, but I try.

Thank you, Sunflower, for reminding me.

A New Start

Its July 2nd.

With a new month and the 2nd half the 2020 starting, I’m starting over.

The first half of the year kinda sucked.

I think I’ve done enough soul searching for the whole year. I’m emotionally drained and honestly kinda lost.

I’m not continuing my word of the week or my drawing. I lost my focus.

I’d rather be writing.

I think I’m going to deal with my emotions and my emotional journey and write about it in my blog as I go. I’ve had a lot of anger and fear come to the surface. Alot of emotion from my childhood that I thought I had dealt with a long time ago that has resurfaced.

Also, about a week and a half ago my cousin, Od, fell off the roof while roofing his mom’s house. He had a stroke on the roof and that’s why he fell off. He was paralyzed on his right side and if kept alive he would be in a nursing home for the rest of his life. His family lovingly took him off life support Sunday night per his wishes and he passed on Monday. Even though I know he’s in a better place, I’m having a hard time with this. He was one of my favorite boy cousins. I didn’t see him often but he will always hold a special place in my heart. He was funny and always making me smile. Luckily, I work with a good friend of his and his family and we’ve been able to share happy memories and laugh to help us deal with our grief.

My husband and i are going to the trailer tomorrow for the weekend. I’m going to float on my swan and relax with family and friends.

I’m taking life one day at a time and not taking anything for granted because no one knows how much time each of us has on this planet.

A Positive Start

With everything that has been going these last couple of month, my morning rountine was forgotten and now I’m trying get back into it.

I’ve been having trouble with my back for the last week or so. I could barely walk on Monday so I called in, took my husband’s muscle relaxers and laid in the chair and napped.

Between naps on Monday I figured out what I want my morning routine to consist of. Here is what I came up with:

1. When I wake up I want to say five things I am grateful for.

2. When I go downstairs I want to write another five things in my gratitude journal.

3. Read my affirmations and my whys for money and my writing.

4. Write three Morning Pages in my journal.

And then go about my day.

I’ve tried this the last couple of days and I feel good. It’s nice to wake up feeling grateful and continue that feeling throughout the day.

Being grateful is part of the manifestation process. I have to admit I’m still on Day 2.

One thing I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks is that my life is fear based. I grew up not being able to speak my truth. It was my dad’s way or the highway. I didn’t feel could talk to him or my mom about what was going on in my life. I was afraid to do something to make my dad mad. There was a lot of unspokens. A lot of guessing because we didn’t talk about things.

I didnt have the confidence to speak up for myself. I was afraid to speak up for myself. I wasn’t a confident kid. My parents weren’t confident people.

The guessing is what I’m having a hard time with right now. Because there wasn’t a lot of communication you guessed at how the other person was feeling. That’s not fun.

I’m not angry with him. He did the best he could with what he was taught. He was a great dad and a great man. He had his faults and not being able to express himself was one of them.

I’m dealing with this because I can’t keep dragging all of this stuff with me. The anger. The fear. I know I’m still dragging it around. I’m just trying to let go of all of that stuff so I can clean up that corner of my life.

This fear I know has been holding me back from doing stuff. Ive been holding myself back. The voices in my head telling me: You dont have the money to do that. What would people think if I did that. Its beginning to make sense now.

I need to forgive him and heal my inner child.

Father’s Day is always hell for me. I miss my dad and it’s hard without him here. Before he died I was able to talk to him about things. I feel if I asked today why it was his way or the highway he would tell me it was because he didn’t want me to make the same mistakes he made. What ever those mistakes were.

Whenever I feel the anger or fear come up I just breathe through it. Let it go out my shoulders.

It’s time.

My journal pages are done for today. Now it’s on to my affirmations.

A positive start

I love it!

It’s Planting Season

I love planting season.

I love seeing these little babies pop out of the ground. I love how they sparkle in the sun. I love how they are in straight, perfect lines. I love how they reach for the sky.

After being quarantined and having a lot of time to think, I feel this is where I am in some parts of my life.

Just beginning to pop my head out and see where I am. I know I’ve been hiding in some areas and I’m trying to coax myself out.

I am beginning to stand up for myself and what I want in a different way. I am able to tell people “Hey this isn’t going to work for me” and walk away from the situation. I’ve never been able to do this before.

I’ve become stronger. More vocal.

More of my true me.

When I drive past these little babies I smile and remind myself that I, too, need love, water and positive words to grow in new ways.

A gentle touch. A kind word.

I’m treating myself better and I’m teaching people the new way I want to be treated.

The road is uphill and sometimes scary, but I keep moving forward.

I got this!!