Too hot…

Since it’s too freakin hot to do anything or think coherently so I’m going to show you pics of the view from my front and back yard. This is the best I can do today

Here’s the view across the road from the front yard.

Here is the view from my back yard.

Wide open spaces. Room to think and breathe. Loving every minute of it.

Stay cool wherever you are.

Play Today

The college next door to us has a day care which is right in back of our acre lot.  I didn’t think I would like it because I thought all I would hear is screaming kids all day.

I was wrong.

I see kids swinging.  Playing in the sandbox.  Playing tag.

I hear kids laughing.  Having fun and enjoying themselves.  The adults are interacting with the kids and having fun.  I love that.  For some reason it’s relaxing to me.  It’s so different from the low income housing we lived next to.  The kids ran wild.  There was no supervision.  They tore things up.

While I was watching the kids yesterday I realized one thing that was missing from my life.

More fun.  I need more fun in my life.  The swing on swing days where you don’t have a care in the world.   Days where you can be yourself and you don’t have to worry about what needs to be done.

I want a swing in my backyard.

Living out in the country has helped me realize that I want to live more simply.  Not have all of that stuff.  Become who I am meant to be.  Fulfill my purpose.

I think the country air and the wide open spaces is changing me.  The clutter of the close together houses of the city are gone and I can see clearer.  There’s nothing better than looking out my bedroom window and seeing a wide open field filled with straight green rows, trees at the perimeter and a blue sky above it.

It doesn’t get any better than this.

I’m going to look outside to see if we have a tree that he put a swing on for me.  My inner child wants to swing.

Maybe I’ll go to the park before work today.

 

I Started To Shred My Journals

As you might know, I’ve been thinking about shredding my journals for the past year or more.  I kept saying I was going to, but I never did.

Why?

I don’t know.

I started to shred my journals on the 4th of July.  I figured if we are celebrating our independence, I might as well start getting my independence from the past.  Actually, it was an Ahhh! Ahhh! moment I had in the shower.  I wondered if I died tomorrow if I would want anyone to read my journals.

The answer was no.  NO.  NO.  NO.

Would anyone benefit from reading them?  No.  Do I think anyone wants to read them?  No.  No one really needs to know about the problems I had in the past, but me.  At least, not in notebook form after I have passed.

Do I think I’m going to die tomorrow?   I hope not, but you never know.

If I’m being honest with myself, I should have done it a long time ago.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

I’ll quit shoulding on myself.  I’m doing it now and that is what is important.  What I have been doing is skimming through them, ripping out pages that speak to me and putting them in a small box.   I will look at them later.  (Yeah.  Yeah.  I know.)  I shred the rest of the pages and recycle the covers and metal spiral.

Most of what I have been reading are problems that I have had in the past with boyfriends and money.    Most of the problems are in the past and solved.  There are a couple of small items I am still dealing with, but I am not worried about them.  Some of the stuff I don’t even remember the people or the problems.

I realized I kept my journals because I thought they would help me deal with any problems that came up from the past.  That if I needed to remember something from that time I could look it up, but what I realize is that most of that stuff doesn’t even matter anymore.  It doesn’t occupy my space so why should my journals?

I’m dealing with adult issues now like menopause and marriage and how I want to live the rest of my life.  Stuff that is happening right now in my life.

I figure if there is something or someone I need to remember the universe or God will bring me the people or places and help me to remember what I need to remember.  I don’t need my journals to remind me.

I need to let my journals go so I can move into a new part of my life.  So that space can be occupied by something in the present/future.  Not the past.

I’m ready to move forward and see what life has in store for me.

As I was sitting by the fire last night I realized that I could probably put all of my journals in the fire pit and let them all go up in smoke in one night.  The thought almost gave me a heart attack.  I’m definitely not ready to do that yet.  One at a time is fine for me right now.

Onward and upward.

 

The Start Of My Office

Since my husband is on the road and I have the day off, I thought I would start to work on my office.

I started by taking most of the stuff out of it so I could clean the carpets. My mom and I cleaned the carpets before we moved in but i wanted to do it again before I settled in and got everything organized.

We put up the curtains last week. I love it! Can’t wait to hang pictures and stuff.

Here is my office

I was going to work on it after the carpet dried but its 90 degrees and we don’t have central air so I worked in the basement. Instead i sat in the chair and binge watched NCIS New Orleans. I’ll wait til it cools off a little.

I’ll share more pics later.

Have a safe and happy 4th.

Yesterdays Meltdown

Yes, I had a meltdown yesterday. I could feel it coming on when I woke up. I was tired and crabby. I was a slow moving vehicle. I had a filling replaced at the dentist in the morning. I was agitated which is normally not like me. It was a simple filling. Nothing to get agitated about. Even my blood pressure was up.

And then I got to work. Irratating things that normally I can push to the side bothered me. I mean BOTHERED me. I was making stupid mistakes.

I knew I had to leave or get written up and/or possibly a three day for shooting off my mouth.

I normally don’t do this. Go home without pay to get a couple hours to myself. To relax. To recoup. To hide from the world. Usually would stick it out.

Something told me to go home and take care of myself. Intuition. It was just something I knew I had to do for me.

I felt guilty for wanting to leave and take care of myself. I should be at work working. Taking care of the companies needs and not my own.

I’m kinda embarrased about my meltdown in my post yesterday. Normally I ponder things for a day or two before I hit publish. Not yesterday. My post was full of raw emotion.

I’m glad I had a meltdown because it brought stuff to the surface I know I have to deal with. Obviously there are things inside of me the want/need to come out and be heard. There was no denying that yesterday.

And I need to develop a self care routine. Obviously I need more time with myself. I thought this would happen after we moved in. I was wrong.

I finished all my appointments for a while so hopefully I will have time to go for a walk next week. This is what I would love to do next. Walk and see my cows. And work on my novel.

Work was way better today. I was way better today. Going home last night really helped.

Maybe I will have to do it again sometime.

Nope. Not Today.

I left work at lunch today.  I told my boss I was sick.  I’m not really sick.  I’m just sick of the bullshit.  I’m sick of the favoritism.  I’m sick of all of the talking that goes on, even more so now that we are on ten hours mandatory overtime, and I’m sick of nothing being done to stop it.  I’m sick of management not managing.  I’m sick of nothing mattering anymore.

I’m sick of my soul and I not mattering at work.

Wow!  Where did that come from?

I know it’s not the company’s job to make me or my soul matter.  It’s my job and if that is the case, maybe I am in the wrong job.  Or maybe I need to figure out what I need.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do from now until I die.  I want to be doing things that are important.  Things that make my heart and soul sing.  Things that bring out who I really am and what really matters to me.  To have my job as an extension of me.  I want to create and do what interests me.  What calls to me.  What is in my heart.

This is what interests me:  writing, creating, organizing, making the world a better place, random acts of kindness, karma, chakras, kundilini ( not spelled right), positive energy, yoga, love, helping people, research and learning about new things and journaling.

I want to create a new job or jobs besides writing.  I want to bring more of myself out into the world than I am doing today.   I want more.

I want to get to know my soul.

I’ve had two strange dreams in the last week or so.

Dream number one.  “F you, motherf’r” I yelled after my husband as I was throwing things out the door after him.  (I have never done this or have even thought about doing this in real life)  I looked back to see my step daughter and her friend watching me.  “I hope they didn’t see the whole thing,” I thought to myself.  “F that.  I don’t care if they did or not.”  To me this dream says “Here I come.  ready or not.”  That I’m ready to put myself out there no matter what anyone says and that I’m ready to stand up for myself and what I create.  I am ready to fight for what matters to me.

Dream number two.  I was in a public bathroom that was just a room full of toilets. (and people)  No stalls and no doors.  To me this means that I’m getting more comfortable with putting myself out there and for others to see me as I am.  I’m not hiding behind a door.  I am willing to be seen.  I’m guessing at this.  I have not looked at a dream book to figure out the meaning.

I think as I go through my stuff and get rid of and/or shred what I no longer need the more I am letting my real self come out into the open.  I’m not buried beneath stuff.  I think some areas of me need to be heard/seen more than others.  Maybe this is why my job is getting to me now.  It’s because things that are important to me are coming the surface and they don’t match what my current job is.  Or even a little of what my current job is.

Do I even know what my soul is?  I say i do, but do I really.  This is something I need to explore.

I know I have to find time to write.  Working ten hours a day doesn’t give me alot of time to do this, but I need to find the time to do this.  I need to make time to explore my interests and see what comes to the surface and explore those things.

I guess I’m not fulfilled job wise right now and I want to be.  I want something fulfilling that I can do now and into retirement.  Basically for the rest of my life.   Something that I can’t wait to do when I get out of bed.  I do have a couple of ideas that I am working on.

My job has been very good to me, but it just hasn’t been the same these last couple of years with the new management.  It’s frustrating at times, but I get paid well for what I do.

Nope.  Not today.  I wasn’t feeling work today.  I knew I needed to get out of there and spend some time alone.  The 10 hours is getting to me.  I knew writing this post and going through some more of my writing and other things would help to calm me down.

I feel better.  Thanks for being with me on my journey.