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I woke up at 10 am wrapped in my husband’s arms. It’s one of my favorite places to be.

My husband is sick. He has some kind of virus. We were in the ER last night for 4 hours. I thought he had the start of pneumonia, but everything turned out fine. That’s why I think it’s a virus.

For the last two nights he’s been cold even with two blankets. He’s hot to the touch. I’m just going to let him sleep. He looks better this morning.

I woke up at 10 am wrapped in his arms. This is one of my favorite places to be. Sick or not. I laid there for a half hour wrapped in his love. I decided to call work and take a personal day.

I need a day to do nothing. To rest. To breathe. To watch TV wrapped in a blanket. To take care of myself. And to take care of my husband.

For now I’m going back to bed. Then I’m going to lay on the couch and watch tv.

I love me days!

Peaceful

For the past five minutes I have watched leaves twirl and fall to the ground from the trees in my backyard.

How cool is that?

I walked in my upstairs bathroom to turn off the nightlight and noticed it when I looked out my window.

I have never seen anything like it. It was like a gentle shower of leaves. A bunch would fall from a couple of trees at the same time. Then a bunch from one tree.

I wonder when they know it’s time to fall.

What a calming and peaceful way to start the day!

Have A Nice Winter

These are words I say to my fellow campers at the end the every camping season.

We closed up our trailer this weekend for the summer. It’s always bittersweet. It means winter is coming. It’s going to get colder. Snow.

I dont even want to think about it. Its not something I’m looking forward to.

We didn’t get to spend a lot of time at our trailer this summer because we were taking down trees and landscaping our front yard. It sucks and yet it was good because our front yard looks amazing.

We will have next summer to spend at our trailer. Long Saturday afternoons to float on our floaties in the pond. Campfires. Time to relax.

As for now we have a bunch of winter projects to do inside the house. Painting the living/dining room. Finishing my office. Redoing the tiny downstairs bathroom.

Hopefully winter will fly by. I probably shouldn’t say that but the older I get the more I dislike winter.

Right now I’m going to enjoy fall.

One Year Today

It’s a sad day in Las Vegas today. Its the one year anniversary of the shooting

I am in Vegas today. People are wearing t shirts that say Vegas Stronger. Tomorrow I am going to look for one to purchase.

Please pray for the victims and their loved ones tonight. No one deserves to die like that.

Peace and love always.

I Don’t Miss It

I was in the bathroom at work today.

Crinkle. Crinkle.

The crinkling sounded familiar. What the hell was it?

Rip.

Ah! I remember now. Someone was opening a plastic tampon wrapper.

Thank God it wasn’t me.

I admit I dont miss those days. The blood. The leaks. Carrying tampons everywhere. In my purse. In my glove box. Having to make emergency Walmart runs because I was out. Blood stains on the sheets. Cramps.

No I dont miss it at all.

Not. At. All.

Menopause isn’t fun. Weight gain. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Night sweats. Anger.

My journey through menopause hasn’t been easy but I wouldnt go back to having my period. I have learned so much about myself. I am a better person. I dont put up with people’s shit. I’m happier.

I’m so happy I’m not the one carrying that tampon. 😊 those days are long gone

Have a great day!

Saturday Morning

I worked last Saturday from 11 am to 4 pm.  I love working on Saturday because I have time to think.  There isn’t a lot of people work.  I can work by myself and not have to talk to many people.

One of my coworkers was sitting at a table alone labeling.  I didn’t want her to come over and sit at my table so I put a bunch of stuff on that side of the table to pretend I had a lot of stuff to get done.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone or look at anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.   I wanted to think about some chapter issues that I was having with my novel and decide on some character traits of a character in a menopause romance short story I am working on.  These issues have been dancing around in my head and Saturday was the perfect time to think about them.

Later on I was thinking about what I would say if she came over and asked if she could sit by me.  I would tell her that it was nothing personal but I didn’t want her to sit by me because I wanted to be alone.  Would I hurt her feelings?  Probably.

Why am I hurting her feelings by telling her what I need?  I am being honest.  This is what I needed at the time.  I need to be alone.  I could tell her that I would talk to her on Monday or maybe later when I feel like talking but right now I needed to be alone.

I was taught to be nice to people.  To put their needs above mine and not to hurt their feelings.

This shit needs to stop.

I will always try to be nice to people, but I need to stop putting people’s needs above mine.  I need to put myself first, but how do I get past all of the ingrained stuff in my head?  All of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

I’ve got to take it day by day.  One learning experience at a time.  And find what works for me.

I know I’m on the right path.  I just need to keep moving forward.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

 

Am I Being Selfish?

Yesterday I didn’t go visit my sister-in-law, L, in the hospital.

For the last twenty four hours I’ve been questioning myself if I did the right thing.

Let me rephrase that.  I know I did the right thing.  For me.  Is that selfish?

My husband and I spent from 10 am til 6 pm on Labor Day at the hospital where my sister-in-law had surgery.  She had several blood clots in her left leg.  It was a very serious situation.  She had another surgery on Tuesday and went home yesterday.

I just couldn’t go yesterday.  I know my limits.  We are on ten hours mandatory overtime.  The hospital is 45 minutes away.  I would have had to leave here by 9 am and be to work by 1 pm.  I gave myself four hours because of traffic and whatever else might happen.  If she would have been to the hospital in town I would have easily gone.

Honestly I have been dragging butt all week and I needed to sleep.

I did what was best for me.  Is that selfish?

It feels like it to me.  This is what I am struggling with lately.  As I try to figure out who I am after menopause, I feel more needy.  Not as in the whiny needs to a two year old (well some days…..), but as a woman coming into her own I am more aware of what my needs are now more than I ever have been.  That said, I am also aware of how I put my needs above other people’s needs.  Even my husbands.  There are certain situations where I tell him he has to fend for himself because I want to write or do what I need to do.

I put myself last a lot over the past 53 years of my life.

Putting myself first is new territory for me.  It feels weird.  When you put other people first you know what they need because they tell you.  When you put yourself first you actually have to know what you want and be able to put it into a sentence.  I want/need to sleep.  I want/need to write.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want.  I know I want something, but I can’t put it into words.  It’s just a feeling.

My husband and I will go visit L on Sunday.  I have to work from 11 am to 4 pm tomorrow.  My husband will be home late tomorrow night.

In a way I feel selfish, but I am also proud of myself.   I need to start taking better care of myself and saying no is part of that road.  It won’t always be easy.  It won’t always be fun, but it’s something I need to do for me.

I come first.  Not last.  My world is shifting.  My views are shifting.  I am shifting.

It’s about time.