A Positive Father’s Day

We went to the cemetery to visit my dad’s crypt as a family today. My mom, sister and brother and I met there (except for my angry brother).

I hate Father’s Day. Since my died, Father’s Day is the worst holiday for me. It makes me so sad. All you hear on the radio and TV is how you should buy your dad something for Father’s Day. It’s his special day and he deserves something special.

I’m constantly reminded that I don’t have a dad to buy anything for or spend tine with.

My heart aches.

On November 3 it will be the 5 year anniversary of his death.

I realized the other day, after reading thegsandwhich’s post, that I can’t carry around this negativity anymore. I have to figure out a positive way to channel my grief and make a difference. My dad was a very giving man with his time and money.

Maybe next year I will donate money to a charity in his name.

Thank you, thegsandwhich, for sharing how you remember your dad through golf and I can remember my dad through something he loved and shared with me.

I miss my dad more than anyone will ever know, but I know he wouldn’t want me to wallow in my sadness.

He would want me to make a difference in someone else’s life so that is what I will do.

Happy Father’s Day Dad. Love and miss you tons. ❤❤❤

I Turned My Heat Back On!

I never thought I would say this, but I turned my heat back on today.

When I came downstairs this morning my thermostat read 64. It was chilly. My feet were cold.

I turned on the weather channel. 72 for the high today and 60 for the low. Its cloudy with a chance a rain.

Chilly.

What the heck?

I shouldn’t be cold in the middle of June. I shouldn’t have the heat on. I shouldn’t have to wear a hoody when I leave work.

And there’s isn’t any global warming. Yeah right.

Hopefully I won’t have to have the heat for long.

For now, I’ll put jeans on and grab my hoody before I go to work.

Have a great weekend.

What Do I Need?

My husband and I have fighting lately. Partly because I don’t think my needs are being met.

I’ve been so busy making sure he gets what he needs done, I’ve ignored myself.

But, the thing I realized today as I write in my journal, is I’m not even sure I know what my needs are.

What do I need to make my mind, body and soul happy and fulfilled?

I know there’s excercise and eating healthy. Getting enough sleep. This is an everyday thing.

But what about on a daily basis? I think it changes. Since I’m been writing in my journal every day, I’ve been hearing or feeling little inklings. For example, I would like to sleep a little longer today or I would like to color today for fifteen minites.

I’ve been trying listening to myself more and be open to what my life and body are telling me.

It’s been weird putting myself first.

I keep asking myself the same question over and over again.

How in the hell did I get so far away from myself and what I want and need?

I’m embarrassed to admit this. It’s really sad at 54 to realize I’ve been putting someone else’s needs and wants before my own and putting myself last. It makes me angry, too.

I say my needs aren’t being met, but it’s been hard to put into words what those needs are.

At first, I was mad at my husband for not giving me what I need. Then I was mad at myself for not knowing.

That’s what I have been thinking about lately. What I need. What I want. I have to admit it seems kind of selfish but it’s also been fun.

I’m getting to know myself again and you know what I’ve learned?

I’m really something special!

A Little Problem Last Night

I dont know how it happened last night but I published three posts that were drafts and not even close to being.finished. As you had probably guessed…..

At first I was upset and wondered how it could have happened. Did I push publish but I wasn’t even looking at those posts. I don’t quite understand how.

But then i thought why am I stressing over this? It’s not even worth it. My blogging friends know I dont publish half written posts. Everything is ok.

Lesson for the day:

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Good Little Girl

That’s me in a nutshell.

A good little girl.

That’s how I was raised. To be the good girl and be an example to my younger two brothers and sister. To do things right. To not go outside of the lines. To do what I was told and dont talk back.

So that’s what I did. Its what I am still doing. Being a good girl.

Letting go my stuff has really opened me up to what I really want. I think I used all of that stuff to bury my real self.

My real self has always wanted to make a ton of money. This was I wanted from junior high on. I alway thought I would be a millionaire, but i always put it on the back burner because my parents weren’t comfortable with money. I think there will be multiple posts along my money journey…..

I woke up sad this morning. I’ve been reading You Are a Badass With Money by Jen Sincero. Amazing book. I’ve been trying to remember all of the negative beliefs about money I learned from everyone around me growing up. There’s a lot of them. I’ve dealt with them before but I dont think I was ready then to deal with them.

I am ready now.

Have Fun With It

The work parking lot was one nig sheet of ice after work on Thursday night. It must have rained a good inch and then the temperature dropped so it froze. Lovely Wisconsin weather.

I hate ice. I always worry about falling. I’m just not comfortable walking on it.

As we started our trek across the parking lot my coworker and I were taking baby steps and swearing. It’s hard to keep your balance when the wind is blowing at 30 or 40 mph in the opposite direction. We are making slow progress

“Just have fun with it,” another coworker said sliding on the ice.

“No way,” I said, struggling to keep my balance. “I’d probably fall on my ass.”