Baby Steps

I went for acupuncture this morning!!!!

It was the first appointment I had in weeks.

It was so great to see everyone and to have the needles in me.

I feel great.

It wasn’t bad. There were just a few minor changes.

Instead of wash clothes to dry your hands there was regular paper toweling.

Instead of a sheet over me I had to put on a paper gown.

My acupuncturist and her girls wore masks and gloves.

No major changes that really changed anything.

It was great to have a little bit of normal today!

Plus the campground opened today so I’m at my trailer by myself listening took music and relaxing. I left work early because there was hardly any work and it’s my birthday week.

Definately a good day!

Following My Heart

I’ve bee thinking about changing my tagline for awhile, but I didnt know what to change it to.

I still love Sassy, Bold and Moving Forward, but I don’t feel it fits anymore.

I want a tagline that says who I am today.

At 55.

It’s my birthday today and I am 55.

I know. How did I get this old?

When I started this blog I was 51 and my goal was to share what was going on in my life during my 50’s to help women deal with their menopause issues.

I think I have veered off that course just a little.

And that’s ok.

I write about whatever is on my mind and in my heart at the moment. I write about what touches my heart or what pisses me off. I write about what makes me me.

I thought about changing it to Making The Most of the Time I Have Left. A little morbid but true.

Or Taking Little Steps Toward My Dreams. This is limiting.

Or Half Way Through My 50’s. Not really interesting.

Yesterday while I was looking through my blog post folder three words popped into my head:

Following My Heart.

Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner.

This totally fits who I am. It’s how I try to live everyday. It’s what rings true in my life.

I think the older I get the more I try to live this way. I get pissy when people try to tell me what to do. This is because I’m not following my heart and my vision for what I want my life to look like. Not their vision for me. I used to be easy going. A whatever you want to do is fine with me person. Not anymore.

Lately I feel I’m butting heads with a lot of people which is good. It means I’m growing and changing and standing up for myself in ways I never have before.

So Following My Heart it is!

I’m feeling better and taking the day off just because. No cake for me today but my sister, brother and niece are coming over tonight.

Yeah!

Have a great day everyone ❤

Week 17. Listen

For the last six weeks I’ve been washing my hands and praying that I don’t get this virus.

Even though the county I live in only had 44 cases and two deaths, I still worry a little. The two deaths we’ve had have been in nursing homes.

About a month ago I gained 8 pounds. I really didn’t pay any attention to it. I’ve been scared because I don’t know who is sick and who isn’t. I don’t know what is going to happen. I thought I was just retaining water because I was scared. I thought of calling my doctor and leaving a message with his nurse, but I didn’t.

I was so focused on keeping the virus away, I forgot to listen to my body.

On Friday night my diverticulitis kicked in. I could barely sleep because I was in so much pain. Yesterday morning I went to the walk in and was prescribed antibiotics.

I told the nurse that it came out of no where. That werent any signs but as I sit here resting I realizes there were.

I wasn’t listening to my body. It spoke but it went in one ear and out the other.

One of Merriam Webster’s definition of listen is: to listen to sound.

In this case I think sound is my intuition. It’s the inklings I get. The subtle hints. The words and pictures that stir something inside of me.

I’m feeling better. The pain has subsided and I’m able to sleep.

I’m being gentle with myself. Taking my antibiotics, eating bland foods, drinking fliuds and taking naps.

I’m taking vacation tomorrow and calling my doctor to see if he needs me to come in.

Maybe when the antibiotics are done I will have lost the 8 pounds I gained.

I’m just glad I dont have the virus.

Stay safe everyone.

Week 16 Joy

I drove through Green Bay this morning after I dropped off my husband at his semi. Barnes and Noble. Closed. The mall. Closed. Olive Garden. Closed.

I’m sad. I would love to sit down with my mom, sister and niece for lunch at OG and then go to the mall.

I want to touch books in a bookstore. To feel them in my hands.

I want to browse around the mall. I want to see and feel the new canisters I want to buy.

I want to buy cool stuff that touches my heart.

I just want to go shopping with my family.

I admit I was depressed for awhile.

Until on my way home I drove past my cows.

I was so excited. I havent seen my cows since October.

They aren’t my cows. I just call them that. They live about a mile down the road. There are about 100 cows that graze in the field.

I don’t know why but they make me smile everytime I drive by. They lazily roam around chewing their cud. Not a care in the world. No job to go to. No bills to worry about.

My husband thinks I’m crazy, but they make me happy.

Sometimes I even wave to them as I drive by.

They bring me joy.

My sadness disappeared as I gazed at my cows. My heart was happy.

I thought about how summer is on it’s way and 1driving around with the windows down and the tunes cranked. Going to the campground. Wearing shorts, a tee shirt and my flippies.

The cows changed my whole mood today.

As crazy as the world is today we need to find joy in the little things.

Or in 1,200 pound cows.

An Early Birthday Present

Last week I received a small manilla envelope in the mail from my husband’s bank. I thought it was a birthday card because I’m turning 55 soon.

Even though I have never received mail addressed to me alone I was excited. Who doesnt like opening up birthday mail?

Pictured below is what I received.

WTF?

Not exactly was I was hoping for.

I’m going to be 55. Not 60 or 70. I feel that this is something that my mom should get.

Not me.

I dont feel like I’m 55. I feel like 35 or 40. I dont look my age, but some days my body sure feels my age reminding me that I’m no spring chicken.

But the Golden Years Club?

Really?

I’m not joining the club. I’m not ready to take bus trips with seniors I dont know, but I will asked about discounts at my bank.

Maybe turning 55 won’t be so bad if I get free stuff!

Fun Friday Morning

When I woke up this morning I really didnt expect to help my husband pull out a tree stump, but I’m glad we did.

This morning he asked me to rake out the area in the back of the house. I said yes. Its ugly and needed to be raked out. It has a whole bunch of lava rock in it that needed to go so I started to rake while he ran errands.

I thought I was just going to rake it out but when he returned he pulled his pickup in the backyard and hooked the chain to the truck and the stump and off we went. Pulling out the stump took a out twenty minutes because he had to dig out the roots with a shovel.

I love doing stuff like this. We work well together so it’s fun and we get to spend time together before I went to work.

This afternoon he will make the area level so we can put the stuff from the shed there. We are getting a new shed and were wondering what to do with the old one. We thought we would have to take it apart by hand and take it to the dump or by someone’s house to burn.

Yesterday one of my husband’s friends came over to check out the willow tree stump that needs to be ground out.

Grinding out the stump is one of the things that need to be done before we can put up the new shed. My husband told him we were getting rid of the old shed and he said said he would take it.

Yes!!!!

He and my husbands nephew are coming over with the skidster tomorrow to get it. Its old and crappy and falling apart but if he wants it let him have it!

Things that I thought would take time and would be a pain in the butt to get done are coming together beautifully.

The area is raked out, the tree stump is gone and the willow tree stump will be gone and so will the old shed.

I love it when things work out like that!

Week 14 Positive

(I’m posting this again because for some reason theposting date was changed to two days ago.  I don’t know why it did this.  Weird.  This post should have right publishing date on it.)

Lately I’ve been reading about the Law of Attraction and manifesting.  One of the rules is you have to have a positive mind.

Think what you want positive.  Visualize in your what you want.  See it happening positive.  Believe it is coming to you positive.

I have one problem with this.

I don’t think positive.

It’s kinda funny because I like to believe I am a positive person.  I try to see the good in people.  I am happy go lucky.  I try to smile and brighten people’s day.  I am kind.

But that doesn’t equal thinking positive.

One thing I’ve learned in the last couple days is when it comes to what I think I am gloom and doom.  Unhappy.  Angry.  Untrusting.

I know right.  Me?????

Here’s an example.

I left for work one afternoon at 12:30.  My niece started cleaning my house about ten minutes before I left.  I checked my phone later on my break and she texted me at 1:30 to tell me she was done cleaning and on her way home.  I spent the next hour wondering how she cleaned my house in an hour.  How is that possible?  What didn’t she clean?  Did she dust?  Mop the floor?

Negative.  Negative.  Negative.

I never realized that this was my thought pattern and that I was so negative.

Why do I do this?  Why do I focus on the negative?  Where did I learn this behavior from?  I don’t remember my parents being like this.  These are the questions I’ve been asking myself as I try to figure out why I am like this.

Yesterday morning I decided to pay attention to my thoughts for the next 24 hours.

Here’s what I learned about myself.

Before work yesterday afternoon I had a confrontation with the person who wrote me the note at work in my head and outloud.  It was negative.  I did it because I wanted to know what I was going to say if called into HR for some reason.  Fair.  Sometimes I think this is necessary to get the emotion out of my body so I’m not carrying it in my body.  I focused on it longer than I should have.

Wasted time.

At work I focused on how I didn’t want to be in the department I was in doing what I was doing.  I wanted to be back in shipping with my coworkers doing my regular job.  At lunch I learned that Gov. Evers closed all the campgrounds in Manitowoc County for the month of May.  I complained about that in my head for the rest of the night.

At least I was getting paid for thinking negative.

This morning I went for a walk.  I started out by saying an affirmation.  I love money and money loves me.  It didn’t take long for the negative to set in.  I thought about how I sad I was gong to be when were on 10 hours and probably 8 hours on Saturdays after this pandemic.  How tired I would be.  When would I have the time to walk and be creative like I am doing now?

So much for listening to the birds and relaxing.

I noticed how negative I was being so I started saying my affirmation again.  My goal was to say it for 15 minutes.  One lap around the university.  I think it lasted for a minute because I was thinking about how my banker didn’t return my email.  I had emailed her yesterday that I wanted to pay off my truck loan because I can’t go inside the bank I and talk to someone.  I was mad because she didn’t return my email because I really wanted that taken care.  I really wanted to be able to say that my truck was paid off.  Shouldn’t she at least acknowledge that she received my email?

Definitely not a positive walk.

This is embarrassing.

Instead of concentrating on the negative of going back to work full tilt I could have focused on the positive.  I have a job.  I make good money doing that job.  I could have focused on what I could do to make working those hours easier on me like doing Yoga or meditating.   I could have come up with a plan.

More time wasted.

I need to find a way to focus on the positive, but it’s hard.  I tried tonight at work.  Every time I found myself thinking negative I stopped and tried to think of something positive or said a positive affirmation.  It just returned to negative.

I know it’s going to take awhile to train my brain to think positive.

I need to be gentle with myself.  I need to be kind to myself.

I need to unlearn this behavior.

It just makes me mad because I thought I was thinking positive and the hard truth is that I am not.

How is anything positive suppose to come into my life if I’m thinking negative?

It can’t if 75 or 80% of the day I’m thinking negatively.

The Law of Attraction has worked a little bit in my life, but now I understand why it’s not fully working.

Since Gov. Evers extended our Stay at Home order to May 27th I’ll have plenty of time to learn how to think more positively.

Six weeks to be exact.

I’ll let you know how I’m doing.