A Different Way Home

For the last four weeks the road I usually take home has been closed.  Now I only have four roads I have to drive on to get home.  The road that is closed is the 3rd I have to take on my journey home.  It is a main road so that means to get to the road I live on I have to take a back road.

I love the road that is closed.  I love the road because I love to drive by and see my cows (no, they really aren’t my cows…but you know what I mean) in the pasture.  It calms me for some reason.  At night I can barely see them.  I mostly see the white next to the black and I know they are out there.  I love that.  (Yes, this will be a future post)

I’m not a big fan of driving down country roads that I don’t know at night.  During the day it’s not a problem, but at night it’s creepy.  I imagine bad things happening.  A car passing me, suddenly stops blocking my way.  I try to back up and get away, but the guy wearing a mask drags me and throws me in his car.  A dear hits my truck and I have to call 911 and I don’t know where the hell I am at.  A person walks out of the cornfield and stands in the middle of the road and won’t move.

Yesterday I took a different way to work.  Instead of turning at the country road I’ve been turning at I drove to the next one and stopped at the stop sign and than took a left.  That’s when I noticed it was a four way stop.  I thought I should take this road home today.

On my way home two weeks ago I missed a turn because there was a car behind me and I was nervous.   I turned at the next cross road.  I was scared.  I had no idea where I was.  I did have a full tank of gas.  I could have turned around and went back, but I decided to keep driving and luckily when I hit the next cross road I knew the markers and I knew where I was.

It’s scary out there on the back roads in farm country.  It’s pitch black.  Pitch.  Black. The only light is the occasional street light on someone’s property or a lights over a garage door.  The roads don’t end for blocks and blocks.  Most of the houses/farms aren’t close to the road so I’m really all by myself.  Me and the open farm fields that I can barely see.

All day yesterday I was thinking about taking that road home.  It was the first time I was on the road, but how hard could it be to find my way in the dark?  All I have to do is drive straight a couple of miles until I get to the stop sign and take a right.

Well, I missed the turn for the road.  Yeah right.  If I am being honest with myself I have to admit I chickened out.  It happens sometimes.

Tonight I didn’t chicken out.  I didn’t miss the turn and I made it to the stop sign.  I drove 44 mph in a 55 mph zone, but there wasn’t anyone behind me so it wasn’t a big deal.  I was scared, but I made myself do it.   (just so you know I’m not driving around in a piece of junk that might break down at any minute.  I drive a 2016 Ford Escape that is very reliable).

I believe that once in a while we need to do what scares us.  We need to get ourselves out of our comfort zone.  We need to get our blood pumping.  Squish our fears.  And do whatever scares us.

I’m doing another thing that scares right now.  Writing this post.  I don’t feel I’m very good at explaining things of this nature so I’m fussing over my word choices, sentence structure and God knows what else.  I’m second guessing myself while my inner critic is saying to “Why are you trying to write this post?  No one will understand it anyway.”

Guess what?  I wrote it anyway.  If no one understands what I am saying that’s ok.  I tried.  People will give me suggestions on how to improve that side of my writing and I will chalk it up as a learning experience.

I think sometimes we stay in our comfort zone because we are afraid of doing something wrong or of failing.  We forget that that is how we learn.  By letting ourselves wander out of our comfort zone we get stronger, smarter and one step closer to whatever it is we are wandering to.

Today I’m wandering to being a better writer and helping people through my writing.

What are you wandering to?

What country road are you going to drive down today to get one step closer to your dreams?

Good luck whatever it is.

Too hot…

Since it’s too freakin hot to do anything or think coherently so I’m going to show you pics of the view from my front and back yard. This is the best I can do today

Here’s the view across the road from the front yard.

Here is the view from my back yard.

Wide open spaces. Room to think and breathe. Loving every minute of it.

Stay cool wherever you are.

Play Today

The college next door to us has a day care which is right in back of our acre lot.  I didn’t think I would like it because I thought all I would hear is screaming kids all day.

I was wrong.

I see kids swinging.  Playing in the sandbox.  Playing tag.

I hear kids laughing.  Having fun and enjoying themselves.  The adults are interacting with the kids and having fun.  I love that.  For some reason it’s relaxing to me.  It’s so different from the low income housing we lived next to.  The kids ran wild.  There was no supervision.  They tore things up.

While I was watching the kids yesterday I realized one thing that was missing from my life.

More fun.  I need more fun in my life.  The swing on swing days where you don’t have a care in the world.   Days where you can be yourself and you don’t have to worry about what needs to be done.

I want a swing in my backyard.

Living out in the country has helped me realize that I want to live more simply.  Not have all of that stuff.  Become who I am meant to be.  Fulfill my purpose.

I think the country air and the wide open spaces is changing me.  The clutter of the close together houses of the city are gone and I can see clearer.  There’s nothing better than looking out my bedroom window and seeing a wide open field filled with straight green rows, trees at the perimeter and a blue sky above it.

It doesn’t get any better than this.

I’m going to look outside to see if we have a tree that he put a swing on for me.  My inner child wants to swing.

Maybe I’ll go to the park before work today.


I Started To Shred My Journals

As you might know, I’ve been thinking about shredding my journals for the past year or more.  I kept saying I was going to, but I never did.


I don’t know.

I started to shred my journals on the 4th of July.  I figured if we are celebrating our independence, I might as well start getting my independence from the past.  Actually, it was an Ahhh! Ahhh! moment I had in the shower.  I wondered if I died tomorrow if I would want anyone to read my journals.

The answer was no.  NO.  NO.  NO.

Would anyone benefit from reading them?  No.  Do I think anyone wants to read them?  No.  No one really needs to know about the problems I had in the past, but me.  At least, not in notebook form after I have passed.

Do I think I’m going to die tomorrow?   I hope not, but you never know.

If I’m being honest with myself, I should have done it a long time ago.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

I’ll quit shoulding on myself.  I’m doing it now and that is what is important.  What I have been doing is skimming through them, ripping out pages that speak to me and putting them in a small box.   I will look at them later.  (Yeah.  Yeah.  I know.)  I shred the rest of the pages and recycle the covers and metal spiral.

Most of what I have been reading are problems that I have had in the past with boyfriends and money.    Most of the problems are in the past and solved.  There are a couple of small items I am still dealing with, but I am not worried about them.  Some of the stuff I don’t even remember the people or the problems.

I realized I kept my journals because I thought they would help me deal with any problems that came up from the past.  That if I needed to remember something from that time I could look it up, but what I realize is that most of that stuff doesn’t even matter anymore.  It doesn’t occupy my space so why should my journals?

I’m dealing with adult issues now like menopause and marriage and how I want to live the rest of my life.  Stuff that is happening right now in my life.

I figure if there is something or someone I need to remember the universe or God will bring me the people or places and help me to remember what I need to remember.  I don’t need my journals to remind me.

I need to let my journals go so I can move into a new part of my life.  So that space can be occupied by something in the present/future.  Not the past.

I’m ready to move forward and see what life has in store for me.

As I was sitting by the fire last night I realized that I could probably put all of my journals in the fire pit and let them all go up in smoke in one night.  The thought almost gave me a heart attack.  I’m definitely not ready to do that yet.  One at a time is fine for me right now.

Onward and upward.


The Start Of My Office

Since my husband is on the road and I have the day off, I thought I would start to work on my office.

I started by taking most of the stuff out of it so I could clean the carpets. My mom and I cleaned the carpets before we moved in but i wanted to do it again before I settled in and got everything organized.

We put up the curtains last week. I love it! Can’t wait to hang pictures and stuff.

Here is my office

I was going to work on it after the carpet dried but its 90 degrees and we don’t have central air so I worked in the basement. Instead i sat in the chair and binge watched NCIS New Orleans. I’ll wait til it cools off a little.

I’ll share more pics later.

Have a safe and happy 4th.

Yesterdays Meltdown

Yes, I had a meltdown yesterday. I could feel it coming on when I woke up. I was tired and crabby. I was a slow moving vehicle. I had a filling replaced at the dentist in the morning. I was agitated which is normally not like me. It was a simple filling. Nothing to get agitated about. Even my blood pressure was up.

And then I got to work. Irratating things that normally I can push to the side bothered me. I mean BOTHERED me. I was making stupid mistakes.

I knew I had to leave or get written up and/or possibly a three day for shooting off my mouth.

I normally don’t do this. Go home without pay to get a couple hours to myself. To relax. To recoup. To hide from the world. Usually would stick it out.

Something told me to go home and take care of myself. Intuition. It was just something I knew I had to do for me.

I felt guilty for wanting to leave and take care of myself. I should be at work working. Taking care of the companies needs and not my own.

I’m kinda embarrased about my meltdown in my post yesterday. Normally I ponder things for a day or two before I hit publish. Not yesterday. My post was full of raw emotion.

I’m glad I had a meltdown because it brought stuff to the surface I know I have to deal with. Obviously there are things inside of me the want/need to come out and be heard. There was no denying that yesterday.

And I need to develop a self care routine. Obviously I need more time with myself. I thought this would happen after we moved in. I was wrong.

I finished all my appointments for a while so hopefully I will have time to go for a walk next week. This is what I would love to do next. Walk and see my cows. And work on my novel.

Work was way better today. I was way better today. Going home last night really helped.

Maybe I will have to do it again sometime.