Breathe

Lately I’ve been waking up earlier. Instead of getting up I’ve been laying in bed and breathing.

Breathing?

Yes, breathing.

As you may know the company I work for isn’t very good to us, so I’ve been working on a side hustle.

Yes, its exciting, but it brings up a lot of my insecurities, makes me question things and brings up unhealed issues from my childhood.

As I work through these issues I need to let go of the fear, sadness and whatever other emotions come up.

So I’ve been waking up earlier to lay in bed and breathe. 

In and out.

In and out.

As I breathe I picture these emotions flowing out of my shoulders or wherever they need to come out of and away from me.

I thank them and say goodbye.

I no longer need them.

As I breathe I say nice things to myself.

I love you.

Its ok to let go of the past.

It’s ok for my dreams to come true.

It’s ok to let the real me out.

It’s ok to change.

Its ok to grow.

And whatever else I need to hear at the time.

The reason I’ve been waking up earlier is because the university next door is doing construction. They are tearing down two old dorms to make way for a new dorm.  Today the dump trucks started rolling at 7 am.  Not nice for a 2nd shifter.

Instead of getting mad about the noise of the trucks going in and out, I’ve tried to turn it into a positive.

So I lay in bed and breathe.

You know what?

I’m starting to treat myself like I’m special. It feels weird sometimes because its something I rarely did.

It feels wonderful.

I feel more confident.

I’m happier.

I am more creative and have alot of ideas roaming around in my head.

I’m becoming more of the person i feel I was meant to be.

It feels great to let go of those old feelings.

I’m making room for new, positive emotions and experiences to enter my life.

And for this I am grateful.

Watching Corn Grow

I’ve been watching the corn across the street grow every day.

A couple of weeks ago I had to go to my mailbox to see the corn stalks. Now I can see the stalks from my office window.

It rained almost every day last week so the corn got plenty of water.

The corn looks happy and healthy.

I’m excited to watch the corn grow for the rest of the summer.

This is something totally new to me and I love it!

I Can’t Wait To Fly

I had some extra time before my doctor’s appointment Tursdsy morning so I went to my favorite soap store and this is what I walked out with.

Isn’t it a beautiful saying?

When I read it, I had to buy it.

I’m hanging it in my office where I can see it every day.

It spoke to me.

I have some new beginnings starting in my life that I’m kinda nervous about.

I have these questions running around in my head.

What if I do succeed?

What if everything does work out?

What if I achieve my dreams?

I took the saying as a sign I was going in the right direction.

It gave me warm fuzzies in my belly.

I can’t wait to fly!

A Man Called Ove

I’m going to try again to read this book.

LA talked about how much she loved it on her blog so I thought I’d give it another try. I also had nice conversions with other bloggers who read my comments on her post.

I started to read two months ago, but I was confused about his dead wife so I stopped reading at page 50.

Last night I finished reading Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. It was pretty good. I will definately read more from her.

Tonight I will try Ove again.

Who knows……

Maybe the 2nd time is the charm.

Happy Father’s Day In Heaven, Dad.

Dad,

I don’t care how many years go by this day will never get easier for me.

I’m sitting in my truck at the cemetary waiting for your beautiful wife so we can stand by your tomb.

I miss you every day.

I miss your laughter.

I miss your your stupid jokes that you told me a million times.

I miss the smell of your zippo lighter.

I miss you saying hey kid.

I miss you calling me and telling me to come and get the leftovers so Mom will cook again.

There’s so many things I miss.

Thanks for watching over all of us and keeping us safe.

Mom’s here. Gotta go.

Happy Fathers Day in Heaven Dad.

Love you,

Your favorite brat.

I’m Going To See A Counselor

Yes.  I am going to see a counselor.

There.  I said it.

Why?

There’s a lot of different reasons.

Menopause is bringing stuff up from the past.

I want more of myself in my life.

My aunt died recently with a lot of her dreams unfulfilled and I don’t want to end up like her.

My work situation isn’t good.  In October I will be there 25 years and I have never felt this bad.  Management doesn’t care.  I don’t care.  it’s not good and I need to find a way out.

Turning 56 this year has been hard for a lot of different reasons.

I want/need more me time in my marriage.  I need more time to be creative and to explore the different parts of me.

I need to find out what I want and need.  I think I have lost myself in doing the same thing year after after. 

I think I want to change directions in some areas of my life and I know this is going to upset some people.

There were three situations that happened in May that brought these things to the surface.

I will write about them in later posts.

I’m glad I’m talking to a counselor. I need a third party view.

I had my first sesssion with her on Tuesday and it went well.

I learned I need to have better boundaries in my life.

I need to start taking care of myself better and putting myself first.

I need to listen better.

I need to communicate better.

Today I spent three hours by myself. I went to a used bookstore and my favorite boutique by the river. I stopped at a couple of garage sales on my way home. I went to a wellness creativity center and bought some used ink stamps for a drawing I am working on.

It helped me to clear my head.

I need to do this more often.

I will let you know how my sessions are going in future posts.

Dont worry.

I’m not going to harm myself nor am I suicidal.

I just know I need to change a couple of things It’s not going to be easy but I can do it.

I need to be happy again.

Surprise!

On my way to acupuncture (almost three weeks ago) I saw this.

This is the field that I posted about last year that had corn growing.

No more corn.

It made me sad.  I loved to look the corn on my way to acupuncture. 

I know everything has its seasons.  Even corn fields.

I began thinking about endings and beginnings. 

Then I asked myself Is there anything in my life that needs to end?  Is the field trying to tell me something?

A couple of days later when I was walking to my mailbox and saw this.

The farmer across the street planted corn!

I have corn growing across the street and I didnt even notice.  Usually there is hay planted in the field so I didn’t even look.

How exciting!

This is how tall the corn grew in almost 3 weeks.

I get to see these stalks grow every day and I’m so excited.  It’s something that has interested me since we moved in this house. 

How cool is it that!

New beginnings.

I Forgot About My Fish Planter

I can’t believe I forgot to share my favorite planter!

I think it’s so cool! It makes me happy and it makes me smile.

It’s not a planter. I actually don’t know what it is. I found it at the consignment shop and had my husband drill a hole in the bottom so the excess water can drain out.

It’s been so hot here lately. It was in the 90’s last weekend and this week it’s been in the upper 80s.

It’s been hell for me and my flowers.

I hate the heat.

Between the wind and the heat my flowers are suffering.

Here’s what is left of one of hanging baskets.

Pathetic isnt it?

It was so, so pretty. Red and purple flowers and pso nice and full.

I’m going to get a replacement this weekend.

Its suppose to be in the 70s next week. Hopefully that is true and its suppose to rain.

We need the rain so bad.

And my flowers and I need a break.

Did I mention I hate the heat?