Home Alone On Christmas Eve

In 53 years I have never spent a Christmas eve alone. Never. For the last 14 years my husband and I have spent Christmas eve at both our families houses. Before that it was always at my parents house and then my brother in laws brothers bar.

I am alone because my husband is angry tonight. He’s been angry since last night. I’m not sure why. He’s not talking to me. I let him alone when he’s like this. He hasn’t had a good December. Things haven’t gone his way. He has to leave out tomorrow. I dont know what to do to make things better for him.

He didn’t go to my sister’s house with me this afternoon so I didn’t go to his sister’s house with him tonight. I know its childish but I dont care. I didn’t go. He’s not going to talk me. People are going to ask what is wrong. I dont feel like talking about it.

Instead I’m laying on my couch watching football. (I love Jon Gruden) Alone. All by myself. Enjoying myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I was pissed when my husband didn’t go with me. I was pissed when my sister in law called me to ask why I wasn’t there. My husband didn’t tell her he was mad. He told her that I was at home cleaning. Half truth. He wouldnt tell her he was mad because he would get an earful.

As my anger subsided, I realized I needed this. Quiet time with myself. Down time. A breather. A break.

My husband is half right. I am suppose to be cleaning because my family is coming over to our house tomorrow but I dont feel like it. I’m relaxing tonight under my Steeler blanket and watching football.

It’s my choice to be alone on Christmas eve. Not a choice I ever thought I would make. I believe no one should be alone. Why I believe this I dont know. It’s kind of silly.

I’m hoping my husband’s anger will be gone after spending time with his family. My anger is gone. Time will tell.

Until then, I’m going to enjoy my time alone.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you’re having a wonderful Christmas eve.

Gratitude Saturday

Here I am again today working 8 hours on a Saturday morning. I need to list what I am grateful for so I can keep a positive attitude because after working with these happy people I need a drink.

1. Earplugs. I wear them on Saturdays so can block everything out at work and enjoy the silence.

2. Nature’s beauty. I drive by a pond on the way to work. On my way to work this morning the sun was coming up and the view of the sunrise over the pond was beautiful.

3. Extra cash. Its always nice.

4. That I made it through another week of 10 hour days without killing anyone.

5. That I have a job.

This is all I can think of in my zombie like state.

And no I am not writing this post during working hours. I worked on it before I clocked in and on my breaks.

And I’m grateful work ends in to hours.

Grief Is Love

I read this somewhere last week and those three words warmed my heart.

Grief is love.

I was missing my dad and had a heavy heart. Reading these three words made me feel better.

Grief is love.

I never thought about it like that before. My grief shows how much I loved my dad and how much I miss him

Grief is love.

What do these words mean to you?

86 More Days

There are 86 more days til we are on the other side of winter. Usually I count from December 1st til February 28 but since it’s already December 4th I’m a couple days behind. I count this way because I hope by the end of February the winter weather is heading out and spring is on the way.

I’m not a big fan of winter so I like to count down the days. I count the days when the day is bleak and I need help remembering that the snow and cold won’t last forever. I count because it’s fun and fun makes the cold winter days a little easier. I count because I’m one day closer to opening up my trailer.

Winter can be a long 90 days. The older I get the more I dislike it. The cold. The snow. The ice. Possibly falling. Its not fun anymore.

We are thinking about being snow birds when we retire. Something to look forward to

86 more days to go. I think I can make it……

Have Fun Today

Between our house and the university there is a hill/small burm. When I looked out my bedroom window this morning the kids from the university’s daycare were sliding down the hill on their butts. I smiled. They were so cute in their little snow pants with matching jackets, mittens and hats. They were between 2 and 5 years old. They were smiling from ear to ear as they climbed the hill for another turn. Some of them ate snow off their mittens. Others made snow angels.

It reminded me of when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait to go sledding. I didn’t care how many layers of clothes I had to wear. I didn’t care how cold it was. I just wanted to go and not stop. Not stop to blow my nose. Just wipe it with my mitten or lick what I could with my tongue. I would slide down the hill and then run back up with my round metal in hand holding on tight to the handle so I would drop it and have to down the hill to get it. I couldn’t wait to go down the hill again. The worst part of the day was when we all piled in in our station wagon and went home.

Even though we are adults we should have those childlike moments of happiness. Moments that we squeal with delight and are so excited about our upcoming journey

What is that fun for me? I’m not sure. This is something I need to think about. I definately need to bring this joy back into my life but I dont know what this is for me. What I do know is that I need more moments of this kind of fun in my life.

What is fun for you? What gives the squealy moments of joy? Or do you need to find them too?

I’ve Ruined Shopping For Me

I went to one of my favorite stores this morning. This flower shop/small retail store is decked out for Christmas. Beautiful wreaths. Colorful ornaments of all shapes and sizes. Wooden reindeer wearing scarves to put in your front yard. I could spend a lot of money is this store

I love it. It smells of pine trees. It makes happy to wander around and look at all the different things to buy for myself or other people.

Until today. I was my own buzz kill. I saw a lot of cool stuff, but I started asking myself questions. Did I love it? Where would I put it? Did I really need it? Why do I have to have it?

Damn. I was raining on my own parade and there’s not a thing I could do about it.

I have killed the pulse shopper inside of me.

I’m not complaining. It’s a good thing. Since I’ve been dehoarding my house, I’ve really thought long and hard about why I buy things. Things I didn’t need. Just to buy things. I dont know where I learned this behavior from. It certainly wasn’t from my mom.

Its kind of embarassing.

I’m sad to say I walked out of the store empty handed. There wasn’t one item in the store that I loved and had to bring home.

Before I left this morning I put a laundry of ten items onto my truck to bring to the consignment shop. As I was shopping I kept thinking of the items in the basket and if I bought something today l would it end up in the basket next year? The year after that?

I can’t continue shopping in the same way I have in the past. I have wasted a lot of money buying things just to buy things.

I need to get to know myself better and know what my style is. To know what I love and my soul love. What will make me happy and heal me.

What would happen if everyone just bought they loved? What if everyone just bought what they needed? How would this change the world?

Just a thought.

Bear Collection Part 2

I dont know what happened yesterday but my post published when I answered my cell phone. I’m typing this post on my phone so hopefully it wont happen again.

I put my bears on the table so I could see what I had. I wanted to feel the emotions that came to the surface, remember the memories, and remember why I bought them in the first place.

I started my collection while shopping with my best friend, Mel, over twenty years ago. I fell in love with them the first time I saw them. I would buy a bear every now and then when we shopped. I loved them. I pictured these bears all over my house. When I had a house

After I had the bears out for a couple of days I realized that I didn’t love half of them. I love the christms bears, but not so much the winter ones. I’ll probably keep the little ornments. Not sure about the other ones.

The reasons why the bears mean so much to me is because of the memories with Mel. Mel passed away over 10 years ago. Cancer. It started with breast, then lung and then brain. She fought hard but couldn’t beat it. She fought for 7 years. What a trooper. Even though she was 15 years older than me she was my best friend. We worked together and played together. She was my 2nd mom. Every bear reminds me of her and our time spent together.

She would be first one to tell me not to keep things she bought me or I bought for myself if I don’t like or need them any longer.

I know, Mel. I know.

I didn’t realize bringing out the bears and writing this post would bring up so much emotion. As I write this tears run down my face. I miss her so much. She was my best friend. My mentor on how to let go and have fun. She was my co worker. She was a wonderful person and I am definately a better person for knowing her.

Am I keeping the bears because of her memories? Yes. Not good. I have pics and hand written notes from her. I really dont need all the bears. The notes are more important to me and a lot easier to store.

Some of the bears must go.

What I have come to know is that if I need to remember something the universe will help me. Maybe its hearing an old song or a phrase someone says or talking with someone that will remind me of an old memory or what I need to remember.

Keeping the bears is selfish and stagnant. It keeps me from growing and changing. It keeps me from letting go and moving forward.

I think another reason why I hang onto them is because of the money I stuck into buying them. I spent about two or three hundred dollars on the Christmas bears. Can I recoup that money? Probably not.

I know. That’s not the issue.

It’s going to take while to figure out what do with them. I want them to go to a good home. I want someone to love them as much as I did. This will take time.

Until then I will keep them in my curio cabinet and remember the good times and how lucky I was to a best friend like Mel.