Feeling Deserving

My birthday is tomorrow and I dont feel like celebrating it this year. I’ve told my family and my husband that I don’t want any presents. All I want is a nice dinner with my husband.

Now if it were someone else’s birthday I’d be running around looking for the perfect gift and thinking about what I could do to make their birthdy special.

Then a thought ran through my head….

Why am I not doing this for myself?

Why am I not giving myself the same time and attention as I would give someone else? Why don’t I think am I special? Or deserving of a nice birthday?

Does anyone else do this?

One thing I have realized as I purge my stuff is that I dont feel deserving. Deserving of love, wealth, and just over all good things happening to me. I block these things from my life and when good things do happen to me I shrug it off so I dont bring attention to myself. I tell people I just got lucky.

I’ve been writing in my journal about this lately. This is definately an issue for me right now. It probably has been my whole life. I blame this on my mother. My two younger brothers were both labeled “learning disabled” in grade school and thru high school. It was never said but I felt it was implied that I was never to do anything great because it would make my brothers feel bad because they weren’t capable of these things because they were learning disabled.

Bullshit.

I feel like crying right now because my whole life I have believed this deep down in my soul and never realized it. As adults, my brothers are far from learning disabled. They are smart and fully functioning adults who are more then capable of learning anything they want.

This belief has hindered me in so many ways.

Growing up I always felt I would have a lot of money. I still feel that way. Like it’s something I’m suppose to do in this lifetime. I dont want the money to be rich and famous. I want it to help people. In my 20s I wanted to open an self help/recovery bookstore where people could come in, talk to others and read. Maybe I would have some classes available. I wanted to help people heal.

Memories….I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I think as I purge more of my real self is coming to the surface and its ‘s a very good thing.

I’ll be 54 tomortow and I’ve been thinking about what I want to do now and into my retirement. Job wise, health wise, friend wise , where I want to live and who I want to be.

I think this blog has given me a good starting point. Helping people.

This is definately not how I expected this post to end. Sometimes I think these posts are more like journal entries, written for me more than you. I start out with something I’ve been thinking about and out of nowhere this comes out on the page and I am in awe. Yes, like today, some of it is painful, but something I need to know and deal with to be able to move forward.

I feel lighter now that I realize a little of what is holding me back.

This entry is very raw and part of me doesnt want to hit publish bcause I don’t want people to see that part of me. If I want to help people, which is part of the reason why i started this blog, then I have to hit publish because maybe this post will help someone or touch someone who needs it.

What I really want for my birthday is to sleep in and not do a darn thing but watch tv and eat.

And maybe to get a pedicure. With hot rocks and warm towels…..

Grateful On Easter

Today is the perfect day to tell what I am grateful for.

1. My family. My brother, sister, niece, stepdaughter had brat patties, hamburgers and potatoes and asparagus on the grill at my brothers house (not the angry one). It was yummy. While my brother got the food ready, my sister and I raked up branches and leaves in his front yard

2. My husband. He had to leave out yesterday so he didn’t get to spend easter with us. It sucks but he works hard and we will spend a full weekend at the trailer next weekend.

3. My job. Because of Good Friday we had a three day weekend. On Friday Steve and I had supper with his brother and his wife and another couple we are going to vegas with in October. I did get to see him one night. Thanks to my employee for giving us Good Froday as a holiday

4. Shopping. My niece had off school on Friday so we went shopping for a couple of hours. It was so nice to get some one on one time with her.

5. Marketplace and the consignment shops. I have met a lot of good people and made a new friend selling my stuff. It makes me believe that are still good people in the world. Plus I’ve made over $400. Money that I put toward payong off our new furnace. And air conditioner. Yeah.

6. Fresh air and sun. It was 53 and sunny yesterday and 63 and sunny today. I raked all three days. It was so nice to breathe in fresh air and to feel the sun on my face. I was going to put on shorts today but then I would have had to shave my legs and that seemed like too much work….

7. My purge. I sold a set of dishes today. I will write a post about this at a later date. It was hard because they meant a lot but I cant justify holding onto something or things I’m not using. No matter how much the items meant. 28 items gone.

8. Alone time. Even though I wish my husband was home, I’m grateful for the alone time. I’m still purging so the alone time is great to go through my stuff at my own pace. Right now I have a mess in my living room but I’ll have it cleaned up/gone thru by the time he gets home.

9. Having our bed to myself. I’m lying in bed as I type this. Tonight I’m glad I am alone. I’m missing my dad and kinda sad. Holidays do this to me. I can read or do whatever I want tonight without having to worry about waking him up.

10. You guys. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. It means a lot.

Happy Easter everone!

Spring Is Coming

I found a bee in my house this morning.

I killed it. Sorry to those people who believe in all living things should live, but if it can sting me it has to die.

It’s the last thing I expected to see in my house this morning, but it’s a sign that spring is coming.

Snow one day and a bee the next.

Who knew?

Let’s hope the bees aren’t sharing my house with me. That would be bad and not the way I expect spring to start.

I’m afraid to go to bed tonight because I don’t want to wake up to a bee buzzing in my ear and possibly getting stung.

I know. I’m a wuss.

A Relaxing Day

It snowed on and off today.

I spent the day napping and marking garage stuff. I didnt take a shower til 4pm and that was only because I wanted to get something to eat. No one delivers out here.

I’ve been taking it easy these couple weeks and not posting a lot. Purging has taken a lot out of me and I needed some down time to process what I was losing and what I was gaining.

Purging has been a great experience. My life has changed. I would like to think I’m a better person. I’m more open and know what I want.

I think I hung onto some of the stuff to keep me from going after what I wanted. I think I was hiding because I didn’t feel good enough or have the talent.

I’ll share more with you about this in upcoming posts.

Have a great day! 😊❤

I’m Needed Outside Today

The grass needs me to walk on it.

The birdfeeders need me to fill them.

The trees need me to touch them.

The dead branches need me to pick them up and put them on the burning pile.

I need to feel the sun on my face.

I need to breath in fresh air.

I need to check for new buds and other signs of summer coming.

I need to talk to my yard and reconnect because it was a long, long winter.

I need to be outside because its going to be 51 degrees outside!!!!

Gratitude Wednesday

Isn’t this a wonderful view?! I can see the farm field!!! I’m so excited.

Its 39 degrees outside and the birds are chirping.

I have a lot to be grateful for today.

1. Warm weather

2. My mammogram was good. I love to see my breasts on the computer screen. I like how different each one is. Its neat to see how far technology has come.

3. Our property taxes are paid! Two Saturdays ago we received a notice in the mail that our taxes were deliquent. After a week and a half the county found the money and paid the bill and we weren’t charged any late fees because it was their fault. Yeah!

4. Books. There are a ton of great books on writing out there.

5. Libraries. I love to write in them!

6. Reading in bed.

7. Money affirmations. I’ve been listening to them before I go to bed.

8.. Finding pennies from Heaven.

9. Melting snow.

10. Chirping birds.

Oh happy day!

Good Bye Healing Stones

On Sunday I went thru my crystals/healing stones. This has been something I’ve been wanting to do for while but I kept putting it off.

This is why..

What a mess!

When I bought the stones the clerk put the stone in a little plastic bag with a piece of paper telling me what ailments it helped.

It’s too bad I didn’t put the stones back in the bags. 30 stones weren’t in bags. I did research on my tablet but I couldn’t figure out what stone went with each bag/description. I gave up because I didn’t want to put the wrong stone in the wrong bag. Each stone has specific purpose and I didn’t want to have it in my pocket thinking it did one thing when it really did another.

Instead of driving a half hour to find someone to tell me what stones belonged in what bag, I decided to put them on marketplace and sell them.

I’m losing money again but at least the box is organized and I can use the stones that have descriptions fo4.

Big smile. It feels good to know what I have and what works for me and get rid of the rest.

And guess what? While typing this post I set up a time and place to sell them on Saturday morning.

On to the next item to list.