Category: money

Issues With Finding a $50 Bill

Last Friday I walked into the mini-mart to pay for gas.  I get to the register and out of the corner of my eye I catch what I think is the corner of a $ bill.  I look down.  Holy shit!  It’s a $50 bill on top of the Extra gum.  OMG!  I slide the $50 into my pocket, paid for my gas and quickly left.

I didn’t turn it in.  I felt a little guilty about this, but I felt if I found it then I should keep it.  If I knew who dropped it I would have gladly given it back.  I felt bad that I didn’t return it so at work I asked a few people’s opinion on if I did the right thing.  I received mixed reviews.  I believe in karma and that I should do the right thing and be honest.  I would have liked to return it to the owner because if I lost $50 (or anything of value) I would hope someone would be honest and return it to me.

Questions started to form in my head.  What if the person who lost the $50 needed it to buy groceries?  What if the person who lost the $50 was well off and shrugged the loss off to his fault for being in a hurry?  What if it was an elderly person who was on a limited budget?

This is how screwed up I am about money.  I’m embarrassed to be sharing this part of my life, but part of the reason I started this blog was to share my story (good or bad) so I’m putting it out there.

The thing I learned from this is that I believe that I shouldn’t gain because of someone else’s misfortune.  This is a stupid belief and I have no idea where it came from.

First of all — what is misfortune?  Google defines it as “bad luck or an unfortunate condition or event”.

Second of all  — why do I let misfortune guide my life?  People gain from other people’s misfortunes every day.  One person gets a job because someone else is sick and can’t make the interview.  A small business gets in over their head financially and a bigger company buys them out.  These are the only two examples I could come up with at the moment.

I definitely need to change the beliefs I have about money.  They are not working for me anymore.  I don’t know what I’m going to replace them with, but I have to replace them with something positive and uplifting and that gives permission to have the money I want in my life.

After thinking about how I let money into my life, I realize that there are only two ways I allow money into my life — my job and the lottery/gambling.  Laugh if you will.  I’m shaking my head.  It’s interesting and ridiculous at the same time.  How could I be this closed off mentally for this long?  How did I not know I had these beliefs?

Maybe this is why I haven’t achieved my dream of becoming a published author because I won’t let myself get paid for my writing because it’s not on the list of how I’m supposed to get paid.   It’s ridiculous and angers me, but that is a whole different blog post for a different day.

I’m saving the $50 for when we go to Vegas in October.  Maybe it will bring me luck when I play the slot machines.  🙂

 

Do I Push Money Away?

My husband and I took our change the we had been saving for the last two years to the credit union to cash it in.  My husband wheeled it into the credit union in my yellow garden wagon.  There were funny looks and some whistles.  It took almost forty-five minutes to run it through the change machine.  End the end we had over two thousand dollars.

Two thousand dollars.  Holy crap!!!

On the way to work I was all smiles and very happy.  I was proud of my husband and I for saving that much.  But as the day wore on my good mood faded and doubt and worry kicked in. I wondered if I deserved to have that much money.  Why I was wondering this I don’t know.  It’s been our money all along — we just didn’t know how much was in the containers.  Then I wondered what if something happens and I loose it all?  Why I was thinking this I don’t know.  We had the change in the house and something could have happened, but didn’t.

Negative thoughts.  Fear.  Negative thoughts.  Fear.

Then I thought — I’m 52 years old and I deserve to have a lot of money.  Why can’t I have over two thousand dollars and feel good about it?  Screw good — what about feeling GREAT????!!!!!

Honestly, I’ve had a problem with letting money into my life my whole life.  I never thought I deserved it or was worth it.  I’ve always wanted a lot of money, but I have always wanted to stay small and not attract any attention to myself and my talents.  I don’t know where the idea of staying small comes into play.  Maybe it comes from being bullied when I was a kid.  Maybe I felt if I didn’t draw attention to myself then I wouldn’t be bullied??

I know if I want money I have to get big and let people see me and my talents. And then I will have to deal with my insecurities and everything else that comes up while I’m getting big.

On the flip side, that leads me to a whole bunch of questions.    If I have a lot of money will my friends be my friends?  Will people be jealous of me and/or hate me?  Will people hound me for money?  And the BIG question — do I deserve it?

How do I begin to think/feel that I deserve to have money?  Do daily affirmations? Write in my journal about my insecurities?  I’ve tried all of this before and it hasn’t worked for me.  Wait.  It has a little bit, but how do I find out what is truly keeping me from letting money in?  How do I excavate whatever belief(s) I have from deep within me?  This is what I have problems with.  Over the years I have become a little wealthier, but not where I want to be.  It’s been a slow process, but I have overcome some of my issues and danced around (but never fully embraced) the rest of my issues

I think menopause throws our issues and/or parts of ourselves onto the table and we have to deal with them – whether we want to or not.   We don’t get a choice.  Our issues bug us or haunt us until we deal with them and work through them.  We have to learn to get out of our own way.  We have to learn what we were put on this earth to do and give ourselves the love and space we need to figure it out.

I think finding our real selves is the part of menopause that is really hard.  We have to find our real selves.  We have to dig deep.  We have to be gentle with ourselves and the people are around because as we change our relationships with the people around us change as well.  Some people may not like this.  They may feel threatened by it, but that’s not our problem.  We can’t let this stop us from finding our true selves.

Something deep inside of me is stopping me from making/getting/having money into my life and this is the current issue I have to deal with.  It’s what menopause threw on my table.  It’s messy, ugly and probably mixed in with other issues I have to deal with, but so what.  That’s life.    I am a women going through menopause.  I am an adult and adults deal with things. I’m scared to see what is really there, but I have to do it.  I have to keep digging.  I can’t let the issues from my past dictate my life and keep me from what I know I’m suppose to be doing and having money.

I have to find a way to let money into my life.

Thanks for reading this post and have a great day!