If I Am Being Honest With Myself

The place I work is celebrating 50 years in business this year. This past weekend we had an awards banquet at a very prestigious place with a very prestigious speaker.

I work a dressy tank top (Vera Wang), jeans shorts and flip flops. I did do my hair and wore two gold bracelets and a ring,

For the last two weeks at work women have talking about their dresses, having fashion shows and looking up hairstyles and shoes on the internet during working hours.  The amount of work time spent on this was ridiculous.

I thought about dressing up, but why? Dressing up just isn’t my thing.  I never did like primping, doing my hair or putting makeup on.  I just not me.  I don’t like to dress up. I don’t feel comfortable dressed up.  I didn’t want to dress up.  I couldn’t see dressing up for four hours.

I honestly didn’t have anything to wear.  I don’t dress up during the holidays.  Or any holiday.  I think the last time I dressed up was at my mother in laws funeral.  I can’t wear cool weather clothersin 85 degree weather.

I am a jeans and t shirt kind of girl.

I actually did try a couple of outfits on at Kohl’s, but none of them fit.  I ran into a an old friend I used to work with 20 years ago and ended up talking to her for 15 minutes. My time for trying more stuff on turned into grabbing three dressy tank tops off the rack and trying them on when I got home.

If I am trying to let go of stuff , why would i buy clothes that will hang in my closet that I will probably never wear again?  If I’m honest with myself that would be stupid.  A waste on money and closet space.  My husband and I are homebodies especially now that we bought the house. We only place we go is to menards and home depot.  We don’t dress up and go out.  We never have.

I could have went shopping the next morning, but I decided on the dressy tank top because I know I will wear it again.  The first top I picked out was the one that looked the best and fit good.  The other two tops have been returned to Kohl’s.

I was worried on the way to the banquet that I made the wrong decision.  Maybe I should have spent more time and actually bought a nice outfit.  When I walked into the building I saw a few other people that weren’t that dressed up and I knew I had made the best decision for me.  I didn’t waste money on buying something I wasn’t going to wear again.  I didn’t waste that much time trying stuff on.  Instead I spent time catching up with old friend I  rarely see because she lives in Canada.  And I don’t have to store it.

I had a great time that night.  I was me.  Even though I wasn’t wearing a dress I was comfortable with what I was wearing.  I smiled.  Laughed.  Danced around.  I was confident and it shined through.

Sometimes you have to listen to your gut and do what feels right instead of doing what everyone else is doing.

I mailed out the first 50 pages of my novel and a two page outline Wednesday afternoon.

Yeah!!!

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’m going to do it anyway.  I’m extremely proud of myself.  I worked my butt off to get it to the Post Office on Wednesday.  I had some problems and wanted to give up several times.  I wanted to give up because I didn’t know why I was putting so much effort into something I probably I’m not going to even get close to winning.  There were other things I could be doing….like sleeping.  I didn’t know why, but I kept typing.  Then I got a comment from ohnaturalgirl125 on my blog that said I inspire her.  That made my day and inspired me to keep going whether or not I was going to win.

Even though I didn’t want to I kept typing.  I kept thinking of how I didn’t finish NaNoWriMo.    I started strong, but things came up and I didn’t finish.  It bothers me that I didn’t finish.   I didn’t want to admit to people that I didn’t finish this goal either.

I wanted to work on it last weekend, but I hurt pulled my bicep muscle while I was sleeping (don’t ask).  I was out of commission for most of the weekend.  I started typing on Sunday after I took three Ibuprofens.  I continued typing my 50 pages on Sunday night.   I edited my outline on paper at work and came home and edited my outline on my computer.  Monday night I stayed up until 2 am and woke up at 9 am and started typing.  Tuesday night I started typing the last 17 pages I needed and on Tuesday night I finished at 3 am.  On Wednesday I woke up at 8 am and printed the outline, the 50 pages and typed and printed my cover letter and got it ready to mail.  I mailed it at 12:23 it was at the post office.

Yeah!!!

I haven’t posted anything this last week because I’ve been focused on my first 50 pages and outline.

My next goal is to rewrite the whole novel one chapter at a time.  Hopefully, I will be able start this in the middle of April at the campground.

After I finish moving…..

 

 

Figuring Out My Inner Critic

This is what my inner critic was babbling in my ear this morning

 

Who do you think you are trying to write a novel?

That sentence is terrible.

I don’t know why you are editing these fifty pages.  You’re manuscript isn’t going to win anyway.

You must think you are better than everyone else.

I don’t know why you are even trying.

 

It’s snowing outside.  We got about five inches of snow overnight.    I cancelled my annual exam appointment this morning so I could stay home and edit my manuscript while laying in bed in my jammies.  I needed a little TLC and downtime.

As I started editing my inner critic jumped in full force babbling all the crap from above and all my insecurities came to the surface.  I felt my manuscript was kinda of blah.  My sentence structure wasn’t the greatest.  I didn’t have the warm, fuzzy feeling that I normally do when I edit.  I felt like there was a dark rain cloud hanging over manuscript.

Usually my inner critic isn’t this loud or critical or if it is I ignore it, but not this morning.  It was hard to edit this morning, but I kept pushing through.  I edited the pages that I wanted to, but I’m not feeling confident about it.

I know the phrases Who do you think you are trying to write a novel and You must think you are better than everyone else are from my childhood.  I’ve wanted to write since I was little.  I’ve always had lofty dreams.  My two younger brothers were always labeled “Learning Disabled” in school and my mom still uses this reference once in a great while in reference to something.  Maybe this is why I haven’t finished my novel because who am I to go after my dreams when they are learning disabled?  It’s just this old shit from my childhood that I need to sift through and figure out.  My brother’s are far from learning disabled.  My angry brother built a truck from the frame up and I’m sure my other brother could do the same.  So why I am holding myself back?  What if I would publish my romance novel?  Would it make me better than them?  No.  Would it make me better than anyone?  No.

I love it (not really) when this crap from the past comes up and I have to deal with it.  Especially when I thought I already dealt with it.  I know I have dealt with parts of it, but not all of it.  This is something I’m definitely going to have to write about in my journal.  I’m grateful for my inner critic today for showing me another brick that can be taken down from my wall of armor.

What does your inner critic say to you?

 

 

QP Shaquem Griffin What An Inspiration

Last night I was channel surfing and came across the NFL Combine.  The NFL Combine is a place where invited college football players perform physical and mental tests in front of NFL coaches, general managers and scouts.

Shaquem Griffin was one of the invited college linebackers.  He played college ball for UCF.  He ran the 40 yard dash in 4:38.  Holy crap!  The fastest linebacker at The Combine since 2003.  He benched 20 reps of 220 pounds.  Wow!

What’s so impressive about this player is that he doesn’t have a hand.  It was amputated when he was 4.  He benched 20 reps with a special prosthetic attached to his left arm.

He played football in college and won awards and now he wants to play in the NFL.  His twin, Shaquill, plays for the Seattle Seahawks.

What I love about him is that he doesn’t let his handicap determine what he can and can’t do.  He decides.  He pushes through.  He preservers.  He knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it.

Watching Shaquem last night motivated me.  If he plays football with one hand then there is no reason I can’t achieve my dreams.   I need to push through.  I need to preserver.  No matter what obstacles are in my way.   I need to be fearless when it comes to my dream of getting my writing published.

I’m going to find a picture of him bench pressing and hang it in my office for the days I’m feeling down and don’t have the confidence I need to achieve my dreams.

Check out his story.  I bet you’ll be motivated, too.

 

March 2018 Goals

Below are my goals for March 2018:

Pack up 85% of my house.  I have my fingers, toes and boobs crossed that this house works out.  We plan to close on March 30 so after that we can start moving.  Yay! We plan on giving my cousin 30 days notice on April 15 that we will be moved out by May 15.  That will give us six weeks to paint, move and clean the place we are currently in.  I still have a lot of stuff packed in boxes from last time so I’m sitting pretty good.  The bad thing is is that I don’t know how to tell my cousin.  We’re not on good terms right now.  He still thinks I’m three and that I should sit in the corner and not have an opinion.  That doesn’t work for me.  He doesn’t see me as a grown up.  He still thinks I’m his little cousin who he needs to look out for.  In a way, it’s very sweet.  I get that.  But I’m 52 years old.  I’m fully capable of making my own decisions and having my own opinions.  He’s also a tight wad.  I’m sure this will be another post.

Submit the first 50 pages of my novel and an outline to the James Jones First Novel            Fellowship.  I’ll be finishing this up in the next couple of days.  I plan to mail it on March 8.

To edit and rewrite the next 50 pages of a Time To Leave

To write a new post every Sunday and Wednesday

This seems like a very boring list.  Maybe this is why I don’t post my goals.  Oh well.  I thought I’d give it a shot.

Have a great day!!

I Am An Author

As I’ve been packing things up this week to get ready to move I realized that I have been basing my decisions on whether I keep certain things in or not in my office, bedroom and basement is if the item will help me move along in my writing career.  This is amazing to me because I have never thought this way before.

It makes me happy that in a way I am owning the fact that I am an author.  I’ve always known this in the back of my head, but I rarely vocalize it.  I don’t portray it in my day to day life.  I tell my family and my husband that I am writing, but I don’t call myself an author even though I am author.  I did get one of my essays Why I Walk Alone published in Walking Magazine seven or eight years ago.  I didn’t get any money for it, but it didn’t matter to me.  I was published in a magazine.  I had a clip to use.  Yeah!

I realize if I want to move forward in my writing career I need to call myself an author.  I have to put myself out there.  I have to admit to others (besides my blogging community) that I am writing a novel, essays, short fiction or whatever I am working on.  I need to join a writing community.  I need to be present as an author.

The only problem is is that I am not an author to the people around me.  I am a factory worker.  A (awesome) aunt.  A stepmom.  A sister.  A daughter.  A coworker.  A friend.  A sister-in-law.  A niece.   But not an author.  In a way, it is kind of sad that no one really knows the author me.  My family and my husband know I want to be an author.  That I am writing.  I didn’t tell anyone that my essay was published.  I don’t know why.  Maybe because I didn’t make any money for it.  Maybe because I know people would expect more of me than I could deliver at that time.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe

I don’t know why I am telling you this.  This isn’t what I wanted to write about today, but it’s what filled my head and I had to get it out.  I am an author and I am proud of what I create and it’s time to share it with the world.

Maybe it’s because I am working on my romance novel and all of my dreams about having a romance novel published are coming back to the surface and reminding me of who I really want to be and what my dreams are.  I need to get back to being that person.  I think it’s the reason why I am on this earth.  To write.  To create.  To help people through my writing.    The more I blog the more comments and followers I get on my blog.  The more posts I post my writing gets stronger and the more confident I become in my abilities.

I’m glad I’m letting more of the real me to the surface.  It’s scary, but it needs to happen.  I can’t keep hiding my author self to the world.  I need to own that fact that I am an author.   I need to scream (well maybe not scream) from my rooftop  I Am An Author!

I Am An Author!!!!!

 

 

A Time To Leave

A Time To Leave is the title of my romance novel.  I didn’t post on Wednesday because I was working on the outline.  I’m going to submit it to the James Jones First Novel Fellowship.  This award is awarded annually to an American author of a first novel in progress (according to Writer Magazine January 2018).

My novel has been in progress for the last 12 years.  I started writing it when I first started dating my husband.  We’ve been together 15 years.  The date on one of the manuscript pages is 2-26-06.   I probably worked on it for a good year or so before the first draft was complete.  I would go to Hardee’s one or two mornings a week before work to write and grab breakfast.

I never completed the second draft.  The completed first draft was sitting in my hope chest up until a year ago when I decided to put it on the first shelf of my bookshelf.  I have looked at it.  I have moved it to dust and thought about revising it.  I maybe read part of it and then edited it some and then put it back to collect dust.   I haven’t done a major 2nd draft revision.

Until now.

The 2nd revision is on my 2018 to do list (along with how many other unfinished writing projects).  I read the prologue and the first two chapters and edited it on the way back from Vegas in early January.  I read the entire manuscript one night when I was sick.  I’ve been rewriting the prologue (which you read in my last post) and I started to rewrite the 1st chapter.

The submission guidelines for this award is: a two page outline of the entire novel and the first 50 pages.  I have most of the outline complete and the first five pages typed.  Deadline is March 15, 2018.

I set this award as a goal because I knew it would kick start me to edit/rewrite my novel.  I know my chances of winning are slim.  Probably very slim, but I’m not doing it to win.  I’m doing it to submerge myself in my novel.  To get to know my characters again.  How they live.  How they interact with others.  How they talk.  How they love.  How they feel.  In the last couple of weeks I have learned a lot about my characters and my novel.

I’m happy and excited to be working on it again instead of it collecting dust.

A Time To Leave by Chrissy.   Coming to bookstores in 2019.

If there are any brick and mortar stores left……