Why Do I Feel Guilty?

We have been on 9 hours voluntary overtime for the last four days at work.

Guess what?  I haven’t worked an hour.  I could of but I didn’t.

You know why? I don’t want to.  I don’t have to.   I’m not going to.  I’m taking advantage of it because I don’t know how long it’s going to last.

Do you know what the sad thing is?  I feel guilty not working it.

Why?  We just bought a house and we need things — like a new furnace and a/c.  Other people are working it so I feel I should to.  It’s the right thing to do.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

It’s been very hard not to stay, but I haven’t.  There’s work so I could find something to do for that last hour.

It’s been extremely hard to give that extra hour to myself.  I told myself I don’t have to work that extra hour if I write for an hour.  Each day I’ve been writing an hour or more.  Don’t I deserve an extra hour in my day to do what I want with?  Instead of helping my company make money and achieve their goals.  What about my goals?

But I feel guilty.  A coworker’s mom had surgery today.  I should go in and help out.  Right?  I’m a team player.

The thing is is that I need to ask myself when am I going to help myself?  When am I going to dedicate my time to my writing like I do my job?  When am I going to help Team Me?  If I’m going to be a writer than I need to write.  Every.  Day.  Not just when I don’t have to work.

I need the hour to myself.  So what if I don’t have any overtime on one check (you know these 8 hour days aren’t going to last forever).  It’s not going to break me.

I need to stop giving my time and dedication to my employer.  Instead I need to give it to myself.  Even if it means giving up five hours of overtime a week.

I need to stop feeling guilty and be proud that I’m giving myself the time to do something I love and that I’m passionate about.

Stepping out and exploring myself and what I am capable of is scary.   Maybe that’s why I feel guilty not working the overtime.  My focus is on myself instead of the company I work for.  They frown upon that.

I can feel the scale tipping more toward me.  Maybe I’m beginning to see that there are other options out there and maybe it’s time I started exploring them.

My talent and I are definitely worth that hour.