Why Do I Feel Guilty?

We have been on 9 hours voluntary overtime for the last four days at work.

Guess what?  I haven’t worked an hour.  I could of but I didn’t.

You know why? I don’t want to.  I don’t have to.   I’m not going to.  I’m taking advantage of it because I don’t know how long it’s going to last.

Do you know what the sad thing is?  I feel guilty not working it.

Why?  We just bought a house and we need things — like a new furnace and a/c.  Other people are working it so I feel I should to.  It’s the right thing to do.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

It’s been very hard not to stay, but I haven’t.  There’s work so I could find something to do for that last hour.

It’s been extremely hard to give that extra hour to myself.  I told myself I don’t have to work that extra hour if I write for an hour.  Each day I’ve been writing an hour or more.  Don’t I deserve an extra hour in my day to do what I want with?  Instead of helping my company make money and achieve their goals.  What about my goals?

But I feel guilty.  A coworker’s mom had surgery today.  I should go in and help out.  Right?  I’m a team player.

The thing is is that I need to ask myself when am I going to help myself?  When am I going to dedicate my time to my writing like I do my job?  When am I going to help Team Me?  If I’m going to be a writer than I need to write.  Every.  Day.  Not just when I don’t have to work.

I need the hour to myself.  So what if I don’t have any overtime on one check (you know these 8 hour days aren’t going to last forever).  It’s not going to break me.

I need to stop giving my time and dedication to my employer.  Instead I need to give it to myself.  Even if it means giving up five hours of overtime a week.

I need to stop feeling guilty and be proud that I’m giving myself the time to do something I love and that I’m passionate about.

Stepping out and exploring myself and what I am capable of is scary.   Maybe that’s why I feel guilty not working the overtime.  My focus is on myself instead of the company I work for.  They frown upon that.

I can feel the scale tipping more toward me.  Maybe I’m beginning to see that there are other options out there and maybe it’s time I started exploring them.

My talent and I are definitely worth that hour.

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “Why Do I Feel Guilty?”

  1. At some point you must ask yourself if it’s worth the money, and if it isn’t, then do something for yourself. No one will ever tell you to take that time. Employers will always want more of you. You’ve said for months you want to write more, and I’m glad you are finally doing it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes less stress works. This past summer, I have had several interviews and calls for public school teaching which is very stressful. I was offered a second job as an adjunct near our house and I signed the contract recently. I felt guilty because I love teaching fulltime but I am also realizing that the stress of the public school is harder as I get older. With my husband’s cancer and navigating a new teaching position at the University, I have enough on my plate. I am not 38 years old anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. We closed our store in January 2016 and finally I think we have the right treatment which is working for him. The public school district is a not so sweet mess here but since the shortage of certified teachers is fewer, the calls are coming. Mike told, “Don’t ever feel guilty.” I am very fortunate to be in the position to take the adjunct jobs. Thanks for listening.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It is beyond fucked up that we have become so programmed that we feel bad for not working overtime instead of caring for ourselves. It is beyond fucked up that the most common refrain on “highway thru hell” & “heavy rescue: 401″ is ‘we’ve got to get the highway open!” and not ‘we’ve got to protect tow-truck drivers. It is beyond fucked up that women are shamed for looking too slutty and also ashamed for looking too frumpy.

    I’mma hop off my soapbox now

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One extra hour for them is one less hour for you. Add them up over a year or a lifetime and look at the big gap in your life. You’ll get your furniture, your a/c, whatever. You’ll never get the peace of mind back of going home on time and watching the birds or the grass grow. Don’t feel guilty!!

    Like

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