I Matter

I matter

My hopes matter

My dreams matter

What I like and don’t like matters

My thoughts matter

My feelings matter

Who I am matters

Who I long to be matters

Who I love matters

What I long to do matters

What I love to do matters

My goals matter

My intuition matters

My job matters

My life matters

All of me matters – inside and out

 

All women matter

 

 

 

Today Sucks

 

I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo.  I’m still working on the first draft of my  novel, but not at 1,700 words a day.  I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.

I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult.  We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money.  I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected.  The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away.  It was a hard decision.  I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out.  I’m bummed out today because of it.

I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost.  I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump.  I’ll take the rest next week.  I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest.  It just sucks.  We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.

I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t.  I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either.  I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working.  I’m at a good place in my life.  My marriage is great.  I have a good job and great coworkers.  I’m beginning to get to know the real me.  The Menopause me.  I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.

I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.  I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too.   We really wanted this work.  I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings.  I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement.  Maybe if I get rid of the old……

Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football.  I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here.  That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.

I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now.  My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out.  I’m not so sure.  I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever.  I want out my cousins house and to get into my house.  I don’t want to live here anymore.

Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now.  Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

All I know right now is today sucks.

 

NaNoWriMo Update

I decided I’m going to do NaNoWriMO!!

I’ve been going back and forth for the last couple of weeks whether to attempt NaNoWriMo or not because I have so many unfinished writing projects.  I decided what the heck? I might as well go for it.  What’s another unfinished writing project?

I know there will be some days or many that I won’t be able to write 3,000 words, but at least I can try.  I can’t wait to see what I come up with at the end of the month.  Will my original idea stay on track and with the ending I’ve written notes about or will it veer off into a totally different direction?  I hope to stay on track.  Over the last couple of months I’ve written notes on almost every chapter so I can’t really see myself veering off track, but as we all know anything is possible.

I’m interested to see how my brain works over the course of 30 days.  The closer the deadline comes the more I ask myself what if something comes up, when will I time if we continue to be on ten hours of overtime, what if, what if, what if?   Then later on, when I’m calm, I feel confident and know that I can do this.

I can’t wait to get my characters out of my head, on paper and let them live!  These characters have been running around in my head for the last couple of months and they need to leave.  I’m hoping to write my 3,000 words in the morning before work and then to let my ideas simmer in my head until my last break pr when I get home and I can write an outline of what I want to write the next day.

The main character of my novel is a greedy, arrogant man who lives in a world where money and prestige are the only things that matter.  He’s not married and comes home to an empty house every night.  The only people he is close to is his housekeeper, his butler and his secretary.  He doesn’t have time for his only sister and brother in law or niece or nephew because he needs to make money so he can keep up his status.  Of course, his world falls down around him and he realizes he doesn’t know who his sister is.  He doesn’t know her favorite color or food to eat.  He isn’t comfortable with admitting his sister isn’t as rich as he is nor does she have the status he has.  Over the course of the novel he comes to realize that money isn’t everything and you can’t do anything with it after you are dead!

That’s all I’m giving away for now.  I’m thinking about posting the opening scene/first chapter to see what your opinion is, but we’ll see about that.  I hate the fact that I feel the scene in my head is so great and then when I get it on paper I don’t feel the same way.  Sometimes not even close.  Do you feel this way too?  I wonder why that is.

I’m going to go read through the rest of my notes before I go to bed and try to get them in some kind of order.  I have the notes for the first couple of chapters in order, but after that my notes are a mess.

Wednesday is the November 1st and the start date to begin my novel.  I’ll try to post something on that day.  Also, I’ve been tossing around the idea of doing some quick posts (QP) on my non posting days.  There I go again getting ahead of myself.  Oh well…..

Happy November!  Happy Novel Writing!

Another Gentle Push

I was in the Karma and Luck store (Love Love Love this store!!!) in Harrah’s hotel in Las Vegas last week.  It’s a very cool store that sells stones and stone jewelry.  I bought three stones — rose quartz, amethyst and camelian.  Rose quartz promotes universal love.  Amethyst promotes health and beauty.  Camelian promotes sensuality, manifestation and creativity.  I’ve been told to put these stones in my purse or pants pocket, under my pillow or on my desk.   It works.  When I put the abundance rock in my pocket I found a $50 at the mini mart, later on that week I found a $20 on the floor at work and I won $100 on a lottery ticket.

I felt totally at home in this store.  I love this stuff.  The power of stones, karma, dreams, past lives.  I have always been drawn to this kind of stuff ever since I was a little kid.   As I walked about of the store and down the hall a little voice in my head said to me “You’re not doing what you’re suppose to be doing.  You’re not fulfilling your purpose.” This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this voice.  In the past I have either ignored the voice or pushed it down.  Deep in my heart I know I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing, but bills need to be paid and things need to get done.  I know that my calling and where I am at in my life are on totally different ends of the spectrum, but I’m scared to bring them closer together.

As I continued walking I decided that I’m going to listen to that voice.  I’m going to own who I am today and I’m going to do something every day to get closer to my calling every day.  I know…..easier said than done.

How did my life get so out of whack?  I think it’s because I don’t listen to myself.  I don’t know that part of myself.  I don’t take the time to get to know that part of myself.  I don’t make time for that part of myself.  The one thing I do know is that I have to get to know that part of myself.

This trip to Vegas has been very eye opening for me.  It’s been different.  My husband brought one of his coworkers along.  It was his first time to Vegas.  While the guys bonded (no alcohol involved) I was able to spend time with myself.  I loved that.

When we flew out early Tuesday morning I wrote for an hour on the plane while they watched tv.  After we landed I shared with James some of my favorite things about Vegas — the botanical gardens and the water show at the Bellagio hotel,  playing the Hangover slot machine, shopping at The Dragon’s Lair at the Excalibur hotel, watching the gondolas at the Venetian Hotel and gambling at Treasure Island hotel.  This got me thinking…..I do my favorite things in Vegas, but I can’t remember the last time I did one of my favorite things at home.  Wait.  I did get a pedicure before my trip.  I get so caught up in the day to day stuff that I forget about my favorite things or what they even are.  How is possible that I can’t even tell you what five of my favorite things are right now?  That’s sad.

On Thursday morning around 9 a.m. we went to the Barrett Jackson car auction.  (another one of my favorite things I love to watch on tv) at Mandalin Bay Hotel.  After walking around for three hours, I left the guys and went off on my own.  I did some shopping, talked to my mom, wrote for an hour and then met up with the guys for supper.

On Friday morning we went to the memorial site of the victims of the shooting.  I was ok until I stood in front of the 1st cross and I looked down the row of fifty eight crosses.  I cried.  All of these people lost their lives around the same time.  It was the first time I had been to something like this.  I was amazed at the notes from family and friends, the poems, balloons, candles and all of the other trinkets people left.  It was moving.  I could feel how much the 58 people were loved.  Seeing something like this definitely puts things in perspective.

It made me realize that I need to think about how I’m going to put more of the me I keep hidden inside of me and my favorite things into my life.  I need to share this part of myself with others and put it into my writing.  I need to start to getting comfortable with that part of myself.  I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet, but I’m going to try.

I definitely learned a lot about myself during my vacation.  I’m grateful my husband had James along so I could spend some time by myself and let things come to the surface.

It was a another gentle push to become more of the me I’m suppose to be.

Thank you, God.

I Interrupt My Vacation….

To be honest, we returned home after midnight last night and I am dead tired.  I just wanted to quickly share this fantastic book I starting reading on the plane with you.   I wanted to buy an easy read for my flight, but I didn’t find anything I liked so I picked up the book below:

Only Love Today by Rachel Macy Stafford.

This book is beautiful.  It is life changing.  It has touched me in ways I didn’t expect.  I was teary eyed on the plane and stopped reading for fear I would start crying uncontrollably.  (Not that that would be a bad thing.  I just didn’t want to start my vacation that way)  This book will help you become a better parent, friend, and person.  I highly recommend it.

Last week I commented on a blog called Wakinguponthewrongsideof50@wordpress.com  about healing stuff that happened in our childhood.  This book brought a lot of my issues from my childhood to the surface, showed me places where my inner child needs to be healed and gave me the words/phrases to help heal her.

I wish I had Rachel in my life when I was growing up.  Thank you, Rachel, for writing this beautiful book.  It’s worth every penny and more

Buy it.  Read it.  Live it.

I hope this book touches you like it has touched me.

Sometimes It Sucks To Be A Responsible Adult

Saturday night I woke up at 2:30 am thinking about if I should gather important papers in case something happens to us on our upcoming trip.   I’m not trying to be morbid or anything.  I just like to be organized.  I know sometimes I can be too organized, but I don’t think this is one of those times.

I was awake for an hour before stuff stopped rolling around in my head.   I know I would have to gather bank statements, life insurance, etc.   If I did leave out papers they would be mine because Steve’s sister knows where all of his papers are.   I never thought about doing this before so this is kinda weird.  Should I gather documents or shouldn’t I?  I doubt if anything is going to happen to me, but you never know and I always like to be on the safe side.  If I did, where would I leave the manilla envelope?  My mom will be bringing in the mail so I don’t want to leave it on the kitchen table and freak her out.  My brother will be staying at the house so I don’t want to leave it on the coffee table or anything and freak him out.  On second thought he probably wouldn’t notice because he’d be too busy watching tv (he doesn’t have cable at his house).

Maybe that’s why I was blah on Sunday.  Maybe the shooting in Vegas bothered me more than I realized.  It sure has made me think about a lot of things.  My death.  Steve’s death.  Do we have everything we need in writing?  We had our wills done earlier this year, but we still have to decide on burial.  I want to be cremated and buried in the same cemetery my dad, my dad’s parents and two of my cousins are in and Steve doesn’t know.  I know I want to be buried with my husband.  We have to discuss this further and come to some decision.

My mom and I have talked about my wishes so she kinda knows about what I want and my documents are easy to find, but will she think so?  I think that thinking and preparing for death is what we have to do in the second half of our life.  As unpleasant as that sounds, it’s what we have to do.  Be responsible and have the details figured out.  I don’t think it’s fair to leave this to our loved ones we leave behind to decided what we should have decided for ourselves.      The shooting has made me think of how short and precious life is, how the unimaginable can happen in a heartbeat and how we should be somewhat prepared.

Are we ever prepared to die unexpectedly?  I don’t think so.  I’ve had a good life.  If I died tomorrow I would have some regrets.  One of them is that I didn’t fulfill my writing dream yet.  I would like to get my writing published before I die, but I believe in reincarnation and maybe I have done as much as I need to do in this lifetime, but that is another post.  Lately everything is another post.   I know I don’t want to die before I realize my writing dream.  Am I ready to die?  No, but I know that decision isn’t up to me.

Maybe I’ll just write a letter to my niece and tell her how I feel.  I would hate for something to happen and not have written a letter before hand.  She’s almost sixteen and hasn’t had a good life death wise. Her uncle committed suicide ten years ago.  Two of her very good friends committed suicide — one was two years ago and the other was six months ago.  I try to be as involved in her life as I can be.  She lives about forty five minutes away from me and I worry about her.  I don’t get to see her nearly enough.  I do call her and text her.  She would be the only one I would write a letter to.  I love her and I want her to know how much I love her and why.  In fact, I think I wrote a post about this awhile ago.  I told her to read it, but I don’t think she did.

This is definitely not the post I thought I’d write today and it’s probably not the post you thought you would be reading.

“That’s life, kid.  People die.”  My dad used to tell me this.  I can hear his voice clearly in my head.

I’ll let you know what I decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Post About Nothing

I’m kinda sad today.  We had to close our trailer today and say good-bye to friends until next spring.  It feels weird to say “Have a nice winter” when it’s 70 degrees outside and I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt in October in Wisconsin.  It almost seems to early too close, but I know the owner of the campground would totally disagree.

Early this morning I walked around the campground.  I hate this day.  The campground looks so desolate and bleak.  Decks are empty.  Lawn decorations are put away.  Slide outs are in.  It’s sterile.  Cold.  A ghost town.

It means winter is coming.  It means snow and cold.  It means winter jackets and mittens.  It means scraping vehicle windows to get the frost off when I get out of work.  It means not being able to open windows to get fresh air in because it’s 10 degrees outside.  It means I can’t look at my beautiful flowers on my deck when I pull in my driveway because my deck is bare.

Seasons change.  Maybe I’m changing and maybe so is my writing, but that is another post.  Summer changes to fall and fall changes to winter.

Maybe I’m feeling a little bleak.  I said I would post on Sundays and Wednesdays, but I really don’t feel like posting today.  Nothing I wanted to write about flowed.   We are on 10 hours mandatory overtime and it’s kicking my butt.  I’m tired and crabby and don’t feel like doing anything except for vegging on the couch.  I took a nap today, but I still feel out of sorts.  I’m hoping my upcoming trip to Vegas will help get me out of this slump.  A whole week off.  I can’t tell you when I have taken a whole week off.  It’s been a long time.   I can sit on a chair in front of a slot machine with a drink in my hand (and normally I don’t drink) and relax.  No ringing phone (no calling me except if it’s an emergency), no work, no chores.  Just relaxation.

Sorry about my blahness.  I’m going to bed.  We are still on 10 hours next week.  I’m grateful I have a job that pays well, but I just don’t want to work the hours anymore.  I want to write and the overtime is totally messing with my schedule.  Those two extra hours a day make a big difference and I’m not getting my writing time in.

Yes, I am bringing a notebook to Vegas so I can write.

Good night and have a great day.