life – Chrissy's Fab 50's

What Would You Do?

When I went to get my haircut on Wednesday my hairstylist asked me this question:

If you could do one thing today that you did before this virus what would it be?

I didn’t have to think about this question. I knew the answer.

I’d go shopping for the day with my mom, sister and niece.

We always have so much fun. My mom and I get up early and go pick up my sister and my niece. We stop at the mini mart for coffee, snacks and lottery tickets. On our way, we laugh and joke around, compare coupons and discuss our shopping strategy. We eat lunch at Olive Garden. (Yes, every time! We don’t have one in our city.) My niece and I would go to the bookstore and my mom and sister would go to Goodwill and then we would go to the mall. After six or seven hours of shopping we stop at the mini mart to get drinks for the ride home happy and content.

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping by myself on the Friday before Labor Day. Alone. My mom can’t go yet. My sister and niece had to work. I talked to my mom for an hour. All the way from my house to the first store on my shopping list. If she couldn’t be with me in the passenger seat, I wanted to hear her voice.

My shopping trip just wasn’t the same.

I really miss those carefree times. Jumping in the car and going somewhere without any worries. I miss the days of shopping without a mask. Without hand sanitizer. Without thinking about what I am touching and wondering if the virus is on it.

Those were the days……..

My hair stylist said there wasn’t anything she would do.

I found that interesting.

Now I’m asking you.

If you had the chance to do one thing what would it be?

Conceal And Carry

I normally don’t write about guns or politics because this isn’t what my blog is about, but something happened last week that I was very uncomfortable with and I need to write about it.

Last week when I walked into Kohl’s I was shocked to see the butt of a guy’s gun sticking out of the back waistband of his jeans. I didn’t feel comfortable nor did I want to stay in the store, but I was looking for things for the new house and I didn’t have the time to come back later.

I’m not a gun person nor have I ever been. I was taught to respect guns. My dad hunted deer. He had two rifles and a pistol in a locked gun cabinet in our basement when I was growing up. He didn’t touch his guns except for to get ready for deer hunting. My three siblings and I never touched that cabinet or those guns. They were my dad’s and they were totally off limits. I mean, break your arm if you touched them, off limits. I’ve never been involved in any lifestyle where I have needed to have a gun. I have never shot a gun, been to a range or anything like that. I have heard of the NRA, but I don’t know who they represent, what they believe in or anything about them. Yes, I am very naive when it comes to guns.

The guy in Kohl’s was a big, burly guy. Probably weighed 250 and was about 5″9. He could have easily taken care of himself (without a gun) if anyone was messing with him. Why he had to show everyone he had a gun I don’t know. Maybe it was arrogance. Personally, I don’t see anyone reason to have a gun while you are shopping in Kohl’s. There were maybe 35 people in the store and that’s counting the employees. I think it was totally uncalled for.

I don’t know why this bothered me so much. Maybe it was because he could shoot me for any reason and I could possibly die on the floor. Or that he could have shot anyone in the store for that matter and I would have had to witness it. Maybe it was because he put me in a situation that I was uncomfortable with and I was a little pissed off.

I don’t care if someone conceals a gun that they are carrying and they are in the same building as I am. A coworker asked me, Wouldn’t you rather know? No, I wouldn’t. I feel better if I don’t know about it. I feel if they are concealing it they are following the rules and are hopefully respectful people and would only use it if they had to. I understand that this isn’t always the case.

I feel if you’re name is on the blackboard in the sky and it’s you’re turn to die you are going to die. No matter if someone has a gun or not.

I can see having a gun in your home to protect yourself from an intruder. I can see carrying a gun if you live in a big city and have to drive thru a bad part of it every day.

When I checked out, I spoke to a member of management about the guy with the gun and knowing that someone had a gun in their store was a very uncomfortable shopping experience for me. She thanked me for saying something and went to talk to security.

On my way out I forgot to look whether or not Kohl’s had a “No Firearms Allowed” sign post on the front doors of the store. Usually stores do.

I truly believe if you don’t have a specific use for a gun then you shouldn’t have it or carry it — plain and simple.

I mailed out the first 50 pages of my novel and a two page outline Wednesday afternoon.

Yeah!!!

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m extremely proud of myself. I worked my butt off to get it to the Post Office on Wednesday. I had some problems and wanted to give up several times. I wanted to give up because I didn’t know why I was putting so much effort into something I probably I’m not going to even get close to winning. There were other things I could be doing….like sleeping. I didn’t know why, but I kept typing. Then I got a comment from ohnaturalgirl125 on my blog that said I inspire her. That made my day and inspired me to keep going whether or not I was going to win.

Even though I didn’t want to I kept typing. I kept thinking of how I didn’t finish NaNoWriMo. I started strong, but things came up and I didn’t finish. It bothers me that I didn’t finish. I didn’t want to admit to people that I didn’t finish this goal either.

I wanted to work on it last weekend, but I hurt pulled my bicep muscle while I was sleeping (don’t ask). I was out of commission for most of the weekend. I started typing on Sunday after I took three Ibuprofens. I continued typing my 50 pages on Sunday night. I edited my outline on paper at work and came home and edited my outline on my computer. Monday night I stayed up until 2 am and woke up at 9 am and started typing. Tuesday night I started typing the last 17 pages I needed and on Tuesday night I finished at 3 am. On Wednesday I woke up at 8 am and printed the outline, the 50 pages and typed and printed my cover letter and got it ready to mail. I mailed it at 12:23 it was at the post office.

Yeah!!!

I haven’t posted anything this last week because I’ve been focused on my first 50 pages and outline.

My next goal is to rewrite the whole novel one chapter at a time. Hopefully, I will be able start this in the middle of April at the campground.

After I finish moving…..

Figuring Out My Inner Critic

This is what my inner critic was babbling in my ear this morning

Who do you think you are trying to write a novel?

That sentence is terrible.

I don’t know why you are editing these fifty pages. You’re manuscript isn’t going to win anyway.

You must think you are better than everyone else.

I don’t know why you are even trying.

It’s snowing outside. We got about five inches of snow overnight. I cancelled my annual exam appointment this morning so I could stay home and edit my manuscript while laying in bed in my jammies. I needed a little TLC and downtime.

As I started editing my inner critic jumped in full force babbling all the crap from above and all my insecurities came to the surface. I felt my manuscript was kinda of blah. My sentence structure wasn’t the greatest. I didn’t have the warm, fuzzy feeling that I normally do when I edit. I felt like there was a dark rain cloud hanging over manuscript.

Usually my inner critic isn’t this loud or critical or if it is I ignore it, but not this morning. It was hard to edit this morning, but I kept pushing through. I edited the pages that I wanted to, but I’m not feeling confident about it.

I know the phrases Who do you think you are trying to write a novel and You must think you are better than everyone else are from my childhood. I’ve wanted to write since I was little. I’ve always had lofty dreams. My two younger brothers were always labeled “Learning Disabled” in school and my mom still uses this reference once in a great while in reference to something. Maybe this is why I haven’t finished my novel because who am I to go after my dreams when they are learning disabled? It’s just this old shit from my childhood that I need to sift through and figure out. My brother’s are far from learning disabled. My angry brother built a truck from the frame up and I’m sure my other brother could do the same. So why I am holding myself back? What if I would publish my romance novel? Would it make me better than them? No. Would it make me better than anyone? No.

I love it (not really) when this crap from the past comes up and I have to deal with it. Especially when I thought I already dealt with it. I know I have dealt with parts of it, but not all of it. This is something I’m definitely going to have to write about in my journal. I’m grateful for my inner critic today for showing me another brick that can be taken down from my wall of armor.

What does your inner critic say to you?

To Prologue Or Not To Prologue

Last night I didn’t post because I was working on the outline for my romance novel and watching the Olympics. This morning I thought I could cut and and paste what I wrote below from Word to WordPress. I thought it would take ten or fifteen minutes to write my post and I would be done. That didn’t happen. I could copy my manuscript in Word but I couldn’t paste it in WordPress so I typed it tonight when I got home from work. You live and you learn.

What I am sharing with you is the Prologue to my romance novel. I know some people don’t like a prologue and some people do. I don’t mind it as long as I can relate to it throughout the book. What are your thoughts on prologues?

I feel like I’m using someone else’s blog post title. If I am, I apologize.

My Prologue

“That son of a bitch,” Cindi Reeves stormed into the shipping area. “He’s the reason you didn’t take the job isn’t he?”

Becky Larsen opened her mouth, but nothing came out. He, the HE, she is referring to is is Becky’s husband, Tommy. Tears came to Becky’s eyes as she looked at the wall. What could she say? It was true. She didn’t take the job because of Tommy. “Women shouldn’t make more money than their husbands” were Tommy’s exact words.

“I’m pissed off,” Cindi kicked an empty box across the room. “Do you realize how I put myself on the line for you? Management had another person in mind for the job, but I asked them, several times, to give you a chance. And they did. And you turned them down. Now I look like an idiot.”

“I’m sorry,” Becky tucked a piece of blond hair behind her ear as she felt her cheeks get red. “I really did want the job.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Beck shrugged. She really did want the job. She wanted to move up in the company. She was excited. Being on different shifts would be an adjustment on both of their parts, but she thought they could make it work. Later on that evening, Tommy didn’t share her excitement or her positive thoughts. There wasn’t a discussion. He got pissed and told her she was being selfish. Who would make him lunch and his lunch for work? Why should she get to work first shift and he be stuck on 2nd? He deserved it more than she did. He threw his beer bottle and missed the garbage. It crashed against the counter, leaving broken glass and puddles of beer on the floor. “Clean it up,” he hissed and walked out the door.

“Why don’t you just leave him?”

“Leave him? Wwwhat,” Becky stammered as her head jerked up. “I can’t do that.”

“Everyone knows you didn’t take the job because Tommy had a fit,” Cindi sighed and sat down next to her. “You are perfect for the job. Why do you put up with his shit?”

Becky turned her head away from Cindi as she blinked back tears.

“I can see how unhappy you are,” Cindi said quietly. “Marriage isn’t suppose to be like that.”

Becky nodded. She admired Cindi. She was a good leader. Strong yet flexible. She wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She weighed 110 pounds soaking wet, but she didn’t take shit from anyone. She was happily married. She and her husband worked hard and as a team for what they had. Becky wished she had that.

“Just leave and don’t look back. He won’t find you. He’s not that smart. You deserve so much more. Go find it.”

I can’t leave, Becky thought to herself as she watched Cindi walk away. Their marriage wan’t the greatest these last couple of months, but she thought they were just going through a rough spot and it would work itself out.

She loved Tommy and wanted to make it work. She wasn’t giving up on her marriage even if it meant not taking a promotion she really wanted.

It would work eventually. Wouldn’t it?

I’m not entirely happy with it. It’s only my 2nd rewrite and I know I’ll probably have 500 more before I get to the end of the novel. I feel that something is missing.

Please leave a comment. Good, bad or otherwise. My skin is tough. I can take it. If it sucks, it sucks. I’ll try again.

Thanks for reading my blog and my prologue. I appreciate it and you.

Out Of My Comfort Zone

This morning we put a offer on a house. I’m scared. Why is it that we dream of things and when they may happen we get scared?

I know part of the reason why I’m scared. This house is out in the country and 25 minutes away from where I work. I have never lived more than 10 minutes away from my job and I have never lived in the country. It means I will have to rearrange my schedule and leave earlier to get to work on time. I will get home later. It will take more time out of my day. On snowy days in the winter the drive will probably suck.

I’m totally out of my comfort zone.

I know once I get into the flow it will be fine. I’ll get into a routine. I’ll get to work on time. I’ll learn how to drive on the snowy, slippery country roads. Everything will work out.

It sure is easier to be in my comfort zone. The only thing that sucks about being in my comfort zone is that I am comfortable, but I don’t change.

I want to let go and let the change happen, but I’ve had a lot of emotions run through me today. At times today I was sad and at other tiem a voice inside my head was kicking and screaming because things might change. I tell myself to let go and let the good things come into my life, but it’s hard.

I have a plaque in my office that reads: Do not be afraid of change. Be afraid of not changing. Today I’m on the fence with this one today. I want to move, but I’m afraid to move.

Kinda silly isn’t it?

Yes it is silly. The offer hasn’t been accepted yet and I’m scared.

The funny thing is is that my husband has been telling me we should go look at the house for the last couple of months, but I didn’t want to. It’s too far away. I didn’t want to drive that far. He talked me into going to look at it last Thursday. I really didn’t want to look at it. On the drive to the house I was bitching in my head about having to get up early and that I had to drive twenty five minutes to look at it, but you know what? I’m glad I did. I walked out of the house pleasantly surprised. It’s a really nice house. It has all of the old country house character. The crown molding. The built in shelves and cabinets. It’s really neat. I really can see us living happily there.

Cross your fingers that they accept the offer.

I’ll keep you posted.

What Emotions Are You Bringing/Dragging Into 2018?

At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve. I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.

Why don’t I do this with my emotions?

I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.

I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018. I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times. I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure. I always want hope in my life. I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any. I always want love in my life. I want to tell my friends and family that I love them. I want to hear they love me. I want to get and give hugs. I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions? Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger. I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong. I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.

I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it. I try my best to ignore it. On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing. What project do I want to work on next? What characters are speaking to me that day? I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks. I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore. I don’t think it ever did. A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it. Until now. I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it. I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen. I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me. I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth. I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing. This is what I would like to explore more.

I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out. I really would like my own house to put my own touches on. I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet. In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet. My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children. (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts) I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money. I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over. I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves. Maybe this is why we don’t have a house. My youngest step child graduates in June. June 3rd to be exact. Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.” Wow! That’s a big statement. It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about. She’s a bitch. She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work. I’m going to stop now. Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.

In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday. Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me. Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother. We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it. I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me. It hurts, but that’s the way it is. You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It! I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough. I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018. Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on. I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her. We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is. Or is she playing us to get things out of us?

I still am a little angry with my little brother. You all know that. It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better. It’s been good lately. We’ve been texting. When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh. I’m pleasantly surprised.

I’m sad because I miss my dad. I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here. I know this is will always be here. I don’t think it gets easier. I think you get used to it. I know he is with me. I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go. I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away. Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap. I’ll let you know.

My Anger

As I watch/deal with my brother’s anger I have to think about my own anger. I don’t get angry very often. Let me rephrase that. I used to not get angry very often. I was happy go lucky. That is until menopause kicked in. I am a little bit angrier now. I am a lot less patient and most of the time that leads to me getting angry.

At the campground this summer I couldn’t get the anti gravity chair open and almost threw it. My anger caught me off guard. My husband or brother calmly helped me open the chair. They have seen my quick temper, but my brother and sister in law have not. I was embarrassed and knew I had to get my anger under control.

At work we have a program called EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where you can get five free counseling sessions a year. I knew I needed help dealing with my anger so I called and made an appointment. My counseling session went really well. She talked to me about how to figure out what my trigger points are, what to do when I hit one of my trigger points and the steps I need to take to control my anger. I had no idea I had trigger points, but the more we talked the more I realized what a couple of them were. Stupid people. People who don’t want to work. Slow cashiers. I learned a lot about myself and my anger in that hour. I even received handouts to take home. It’s nice to be able to refer to something when I’m having anger issues. I’m a big believer in counseling. Knowledge is power. Sometimes it’s very helpful to talk to someone who doesn’t know you or your situation. I have gone to counseling to deal with things happening in my life, big and small, many times over the last twenty years. The sessions are free so I use them when I need to.

The counseling session helped. Last week I was putting away parts at work and I could feel myself getting angry because I couldn’t find the drawer they went in. I knew I had a couple of choices. I could ask for help. I could walk away and come back when I calmed down. Or I could get pissed off. I walked away for five minutes and then asked for help. I realized in my time out that getting pissed off over something so simple as not being able to find the parts I needed was really stupid. I’m glad I went to the counseling session because it really helped put things into perspective. I knew I was getting pissed off and I knew what to do about it. It ended calmly.

I often think about what my brother’s anger is doing to his health, but is my anger doing to my health? No. I think if it is it is very minimal, but I have noticed a couple of things. At the dentist office last week my blood pressure was high. They were concerned. I wasn’t. I was late because I had to stop for a train and there wasn’t any place to turn around so I had to sit and wait. Instead of using that time wisely and saying positive affirmations or doing something positive the longer I sat there the more I got pissed. The good thing is that I realized what I was doing. Not right away, but a half hour later. It’s an improvement.

I grind my teeth when I’m angry. I don’t know if this is really a health issue, but I can see on the bottom of my two front teeth where I have grinded them. I have grinded my teeth since high school and I wear a night guard at night, but in the last couple of years I can see/feel that I grind my teeth during the day — usually at work. I have a little check mark on my desk at work that reminds me to check my jaw position during the day. If I am clenching, I take a couple of deep breathes and figure out what is making me mad. Sometimes it something at work and sometimes it’s not.

I know it’s not possible to never get angry. I know that people/situations are going to piss me off. I know that when I do get angry I need to keep it under control, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

I want to get back to being happy go lucky.

Why Do I Have All Of This Stuff?

Management is reorganizing the department I work in at the company I work for. Last week I had clean out the cube I’ve been working in. It wasn’t mine. It was empty so I moved in. That’s how I am at work. Sometimes I don’t ask if I can do something. I just do it. If management doesn’t like what I’m doing they will ask me to stop. If they don’t, I continue what I’m doing. I’ve been in the cube for about six months. And now I have to move out.

It’s not that I had a lot to move, but until the department is reorganized I have to put my stuff on half of a desk or in my filing cabinet. This is the littlest space I have had to put my stuff and it has made me ask one question.

Why do I have all of this stuff?

I have worked in several different departments in the twenty one years I have worked for this company so I have saved department notes, note from coworkers that are deceased or have left the company, misc. memos, paperwork I thought someone might need someday, pens (yes the company does provide them, but I like to bring my own from home. I am a pen whore) and pencils, mouthwash, baby powder, aspirin, a 4 x 6 album of some of my wedding pictures, my Damn It Doll (I truly need this some days) and other miscellaneous things in this filing cabinet. And candy. I can’t forget the candy.

I need to clean it out. Except the candy. People like candy and are more willing to do things for you if you give them candy so I keep it on hand.

To me, right now, having all of that stuff means I plan on staying forever. Maybe not forever, but I have 13 years til I retire. I really don’t plan on staying there for the next 13 years, but that is totally another post. I really don’t need all of that stuff. I’ve been contemplating staying late one day next week and cleaning out my desk off of the clock. Yes, off of the clock. I want to be able to take the time I need to go thru my stuff and decide if I need it or not. What would happen if I threw away paperwork from the other departments that I have worked in, but haven’t used in years? I was never really in management so why should I keep all of the paperwork that I used to order material and other stuff in the past. What if keeping all of that stuff is keeping me tied to a job I really don’t want to be at anymore? Don’t get me wrong. I work for a good company. I have excellent coworkers. I have a gravy job that allows my characters to talk to me and essay/blog/novel ideas to come to the surface while I work. I just don’t agree with the management style and what things people get away with. I try not to let this bother me, but it’s hard not to. The more I write the more I know this is really want to do now and for my retirement. I would love it if I could write til the day I die.

As I look at my job life, I have to think about all of the crap I have in my house. For example, my utensil drawer in my kitchen. It’s not huge, but there’s a lot of stuff crammed in it. I thought I cleaned it out in April when I was packing up the kitchen before the house deal fell through, but I guess I didn’t clean it out good enough. I will have to go thru it again. Thank God we are having a garage sale in April.

How do I really know what I really need? This is something I need to get clear on. What I have and why I am holding on to it. Sometimes I’m afraid to give something away that someone gave me. If they are deceased I wonder if they can see that I’m giving what they gave me away. I know this is kinda silly, but sometimes I wonder. Or would they be happy that I’m giving it away? I wonder if keeping something is keeping me from something else?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Being sick these last couple of weeks has made me question a lot of areas in my life. I’ve noticed a lot of areas in my house/life that are clogged with stuff and need to be cleaned out. This isn’t even one of the posts I wrote when I was sick and or in Vegas. I wrote it after I cleaned out my desk last week Monday.

Being sick really sucked, but I’m grateful, too, because it has made me think about things I haven’t thought of in awhile or if ever. I know I need to change things in my life to get to where I want to go and this is what my blog posts will probably be about for the next couple of months.

Thanks for being with me on my journey.

Shit Happens

I did something really stupid today. I’m embarrassed to tell my story, but everyone makes mistakes and nothing bad happened. It could have been bad, but luckily for me someone upstairs was looking out for me. I’m grateful for that today.

I’ve been sick all week with one of the viruses that have been going around. I went to the doctor on Monday because the wheezing in my chest scared the crap out of me. My doctor told me it was a virus and it would run it’s course. Monday I called in sick to work. My doctor said Tuesday I took a vacation day. My chest was better but my nose wouldn’t stop running. Yes, I was taking cold medicine, Mucinex, Delsym, rubbing myself in Vick’s and sucking on cough drops. Wednesday I worked 10 hours and thought I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe. My face was all red from blowing my nose on Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday I called in sick. I felt a little bit better, but I wanted to rest. Normally I wouldn’t call or take vacation but my husband was home on and off all week and I didn’t want to him sick with this virus because he had all of his teeth pulled today. If he was sick they wouldn’t pull his teeth and he really needed it done for health reasons.

Last night was the first night since Sat. night that I didn’t take any cold medicine. I felt kinda off kilter because of all of the medicine I took, but I was confident that I could drive him home, grab his prescriptions and take care of him the rest of the day. I would take a nap later on that afternoon. I was fine until the called me in the recovery room and the nurse showed me how to fold the gauze and place it on his gums. I almost puked when she took the old gauze out and showed it to me. It was all bloody and gross. She talked me thru all of the stuff I would have to do. Pain meds, foods he could eat, antibiotics, and time intervals for changing the gauze. The ice packs. I can’t forget the ice packs.

After we were done I went to get the truck. His truck. The truck I don’t drive all of the time. I know I’m making excuses, but hear me out. As I’m driving up to the door all of the instructions are running around in my head and I see him sitting in a wheel chair. I’m thinking I need to get out of the truck and go to passenger and get him settled in. I get out of the truck and it starts rolling backward. I screaming for someone to help me. I’m looking at all of the cars I’m going to hit if this truck doesn’t stop. I’m panicking. I’m reaching over (no i didn’t think about jumping back in the truck on stepping on the brake) to grab the shifter. I don’t know if I stopped the truck or if it was something my husband did, but somehow the truck stopped. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I felt it was. I haven’t talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t said anything. I don’t know if he even remembers. I feel horrible that he had to get out of the wheel chair after getting all of teeth pulled to help his wife because she didn’t put the truck in park. Obviously all of the cold meds I took during the week didn’t make me competent to drive. It was the first time in my life that anything like that has happened. I still feel like a dumb ass. Maybe it was seeing the blood and knowing I had to replace the gauze every 15 minutes that got me in a funk.

No one got hurt. My husband is doing fine. I am fine. I was a little shook up this morning. I kept apologizing for being a dumb ass, but he knows how sick I was this week. I didn’t damage the building, grass or anyone’s vehicle. All is good. The only damage I did do is to my pinkie finger. It must have got caught it in between the shifter and the steering wheel or something as I tried to get the shifter into park because it is black and blue and hurts like hell. And now that I think about it I need to give myself some credit. At least I ran after it instead of standing there and watching it crash into the building or some cars. This makes me feel a little bit better.

Shit happens. It’s called being human. I have to learn from the incident and move on. It was a fluke thing. I was sick. And I need to forgive myself and call it a day.

If only it were that easy. I still think I’m a dumb ass and probably always will. I can’t believe I did something that stupid and irresponsible. I know better than that.

That’s my story.