fear – Chrissy's Fab 50's

Out Of My Comfort Zone

This morning we put a offer on a house. I’m scared. Why is it that we dream of things and when they may happen we get scared?

I know part of the reason why I’m scared. This house is out in the country and 25 minutes away from where I work. I have never lived more than 10 minutes away from my job and I have never lived in the country. It means I will have to rearrange my schedule and leave earlier to get to work on time. I will get home later. It will take more time out of my day. On snowy days in the winter the drive will probably suck.

I’m totally out of my comfort zone.

I know once I get into the flow it will be fine. I’ll get into a routine. I’ll get to work on time. I’ll learn how to drive on the snowy, slippery country roads. Everything will work out.

It sure is easier to be in my comfort zone. The only thing that sucks about being in my comfort zone is that I am comfortable, but I don’t change.

I want to let go and let the change happen, but I’ve had a lot of emotions run through me today. At times today I was sad and at other tiem a voice inside my head was kicking and screaming because things might change. I tell myself to let go and let the good things come into my life, but it’s hard.

I have a plaque in my office that reads: Do not be afraid of change. Be afraid of not changing. Today I’m on the fence with this one today. I want to move, but I’m afraid to move.

Kinda silly isn’t it?

Yes it is silly. The offer hasn’t been accepted yet and I’m scared.

The funny thing is is that my husband has been telling me we should go look at the house for the last couple of months, but I didn’t want to. It’s too far away. I didn’t want to drive that far. He talked me into going to look at it last Thursday. I really didn’t want to look at it. On the drive to the house I was bitching in my head about having to get up early and that I had to drive twenty five minutes to look at it, but you know what? I’m glad I did. I walked out of the house pleasantly surprised. It’s a really nice house. It has all of the old country house character. The crown molding. The built in shelves and cabinets. It’s really neat. I really can see us living happily there.

Cross your fingers that they accept the offer.

I’ll keep you posted.

A Gentle Push

Thanks again ,to Anita at Discovering Your Happiness, for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I am still super excited about it.

I thought it would be easy to write my award post. A piece of cake. All I had to do was copy and drop the award picture and figure out what blogs I wanted to nominate and link their blogs to my post.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought. It took me an hour to figure out how to copy and paste the award picture and I still haven’t figure out how to link. Oh well. Everything needs a starting point.

I am grateful for the award, but I think I am more grateful for the gentle push by Anita to get me out of my comfort zone. I have wanted to update my picture for awhile now. I don’t like to be a white ball when I like someones post. My favorite picture is Anita’s. I love how she has the words around the outside of the circle and the symbol in the middle. Also, there’s couple of things I wanted to change on my blog to make it more me, but I kept putting it off and putting it off.

Until now.

Anita asked me two questions that really stuck a chord in me. Her questions were: Where I see myself in five years? Where do I see my blog in the next five years?

My answer to myself in five years. Geez. I am 52. I don’t even want to think about being 57. Honestly, I don’t want to think about this. It scares me. I don’t feel 52. I don’t act like I’m 52. Although, I am starting to move like I’m 52. Ladies, I know you know what I am talking about. Trying to walk after you’ve been sitting awhile…it takes a couple to steps to get your legs and hips to do what you want them to do.

My answer to my blog in five years. When I started my blog it was because I had to. My blog kept calling me. Ideas would pop out of nowhere. It kept nudging me until I answered the call. When I did, I didn’t really have any goals. Honestly, I’ve been writing my blog for myself to see how many people would read it. I’m not doing too bad considering I haven’t told anyone around me that I have a blog — not my husband, my family, my in-laws, my friends or my coworkers. I’m happy with my progress. My followers grow every week. I almost have doubled my views from last month. Yes, there will be a time I will tell the people around me, but right now I’m happy to be on this journey by myself. I’m proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far, but winning the award made me realize that I’m not doing it for me anymore. I need to take my blog to the next level – whatever that may be. In the next couple of months I need to learn about this basics of wordpress and look at other blogs to see what I can do to make my blog more user friendly and fun. I want my blog to be a positive place. I don’t know where I want to be in five years, but in a year I would like to have more followers. I would like to show more of my writing — essays and short fiction — that I’m working on. I would like to interview strong women or maybe have them guest post for me. I would to monetize my blog, but I’m not sure how. I have some ideas.

To be honest, the set up of my blog has stayed the same because I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone. My blog is growing and I need to step out of my comfort zone. I don’t know why I’m afraid. I love to learn new things, but when it comes to a computer i am like a fish out of water — flopping around trying to survive. At this point in my life I don’t have a lot of patience. It took me 45 minutes to download my antivirus software online. Let’s not go there. It’s not pretty.

I’m going to step out of my comfort zone a little at a time. Now that camping season is almost over (there isn’t any wifi at the the campground) and fall is nipping out my heals, I will have my weekends free to learn new things. I’m excited and scared. I checked out a couple of books on wordpress and blogging — yes, the book for dummies 🙂 I’m taking that first step….

Thanks again, Anita, for the gentle push.

Peace and love.

A New Phone Brings Up An Old Issue

My husband and I purchased new phones on Sunday. Usually I post on Sundays, but after spending two and a half hours at the store switching phones and then a couple of hours trying to figure out things like voicemail, email, etc. I was mentally worn out.

And I was anxious.

My phone isn’t in the protective case like my last phone was. They don’t make that case anymore so we had to go with a different brand and, of course, the store didn’t have them in stock so we had to order them. I bought a cover (which I can return), but I didn’t buy the protective screen cover. I should of bought it, but I can’t return it and I didn’t feel like paying $30 for something that I am going to use for only six days.

I’m afraid of dropping it and cracking the screen so I don’t use it a lot. I wish the case would come in so I don’t have to deal with the feelings I feel. It’s weird because I can feel all of this fear in my shoulders and I usually don’t feel anxious.

Honestly, I don’t think the phone is the reason I feel the way I do. I think worrying about dropping the phone (yes we do have insurance on them so it shouldn’t be a big deal) is just bringing feelings from past event(s) in my childhood that need to be dealt with to the surface.

While laying in bed last night I pictured slots in my shoulders opening and all of this fear rushing out. I breathed in and out and let the fear naturally flow out of my shoulders until it was gone. I was surprised that there was that much fear inside of me that needed to get out. It felt good to get it out. I felt lighter and slept great.

When I putting the dishes away this morning I remembered an event from my childhood. I think was in 6th grade, but I don’t remember exactly. My parents were cub scout leaders and we were all at the grade school gym for some reason. I remember moving a sweatshirt off of a chair and something crashing on the floor. It was an award that a cub scout won that evening. I looked around and no one was paying attention so I put the broke award back in the sweatshirt.

I tried to talk to my mom about it several times throughout the evening, but there wasn’t a good moment where I could get her alone to tell her. I felt horrible and wished I could have told her, but she was busy. At the end of the night, the cub scout realized his award was broke and told my mom. “Did you see who did this? I can’t believe no one said anything.” She was mad and by that time I had decided not to tell anyone. “I didn’t see anything, Mom.”

Is the fear from this memory triggering the fear and anxiety that I’ve been feeling? It could be. Or this memory may not have anything to do with it at all. It’s kinda hard to believe that old feelings like that are still hanging around inside of me. I’ve been to counseling and have written in a journal to deal with stuff from my past. I thought I had taken care of all of that stuff, but obviously not — some issue needed to be heard.

I think when we are menopausal we have to deal with all of the old crap that floats to the surface. There isn’t anymore room for stuff like this in our bodies. We can’t let it take up anymore room in our psyches. We have to let all of this old stuff go to make room for the person we want to be.

I feel better now that I know what possibly triggered my anxiety and fear. I still wish I had the case, but Saturday will come soon enough. Until then I will give myself time to release my fear and move on.

It’s only a phone.

I Really Hate Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to people is really hard for me. It always has been. I used to avoid it like the plague, but I’m getting better.

The reason I hate saying goodbye is that I cry. I get all teary eyed and then I get embarrassed. Even if I don’t know the person very well I still get teary eyed. Everyone else can say goodbye, laugh, hug and joke around but I can’t. I cry. And I don’t know why.

I have had this problem since I was a little kid. My parents wouldn’t let me watch the tv show Lassie (I know I am dating myself) because I would cry uncontrollably when Lassie couldn’t find his way home. I have always felt this enormous amount of grief when I have to say good-bye to people.

I hate the fact that I can’t hold back my feelings. I hate the fact that I get teary eyed when no one else does. I get frustrated because I can’t explain how I feel or why. I just get sad. Then when I try to talk my voice cracks and sounds high pitched and this makes me uncomfortable. I just hate the whole situation.

Today was one of my coworkers last day of work. All day I felt that sadness. The thing is is that I really don’t know her that well. We aren’t close. I like her. She’s a nice person, but she’s not someone I would share a problem with because I don’t know her that well. And then I get teary eyed when I say goodbye to her tonight……it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand where that sadness comes from.

The more I put myself into the saying goodbye situation the better it gets and the more sadness I let go of. I used to feel sad for weeks. I would use my vacation or call in sick so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to someone.

It’s only since menopause/menopause has crashed into my life that I have had the guts to look into why I feel all of the sadness I do. I have tried to talk to a counselor, but the sadness I feel is hard to explain so it really doesn’t get resolved. It’s embarrassing to talk to coworkers because they tell me I should be able to hold it in and I can’t. I try, but the tears come spilling out.

I have always dreamed about quitting my job and writing full time, but I don’t think I can face that last day of saying good-bye and not cry my eyes out. I know this must seem really silly to some of my readers, but I have to be honest with myself and others. This is the way I feel, but I’m not all comfortable with it. I can’t leave my job because I am afraid of crying (feeling all of that grief) on my last day so I stay put.

That’s so sad.

When my coworker left the building tonight she was smiling and waving “Catch ya on the other side.” I was teary eyed by myself at my desk teary feeling totally frustrated with the way I was feeling. Why can’t be like that? Why can’t talk and laugh with people on their last day instead of being trapped by my sadness.

I know this post is way too emotional for a Friday night/Saturday morning, but I’m 52 years old and I need to figure this issue out for myself. I think it’s time I deal with this issue so I can move on with my life and be the writer I dream of being. I have a responsibility to myself to be the best person I can be and to live out my dreams.

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that right now and I need to figure out what to do to change it.