Saying goodbye to people is really hard for me. It always has been. I used to avoid it like the plague, but I’m getting better.
The reason I hate saying goodbye is that I cry. I get all teary eyed and then I get embarrassed. Even if I don’t know the person very well I still get teary eyed. Everyone else can say goodbye, laugh, hug and joke around but I can’t. I cry. And I don’t know why.
I have had this problem since I was a little kid. My parents wouldn’t let me watch the tv show Lassie (I know I am dating myself) because I would cry uncontrollably when Lassie couldn’t find his way home. I have always felt this enormous amount of grief when I have to say good-bye to people.
I hate the fact that I can’t hold back my feelings. I hate the fact that I get teary eyed when no one else does. I get frustrated because I can’t explain how I feel or why. I just get sad. Then when I try to talk my voice cracks and sounds high pitched and this makes me uncomfortable. I just hate the whole situation.
Today was one of my coworkers last day of work. All day I felt that sadness. The thing is is that I really don’t know her that well. We aren’t close. I like her. She’s a nice person, but she’s not someone I would share a problem with because I don’t know her that well. And then I get teary eyed when I say goodbye to her tonight……it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand where that sadness comes from.
The more I put myself into the saying goodbye situation the better it gets and the more sadness I let go of. I used to feel sad for weeks. I would use my vacation or call in sick so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to someone.
It’s only since menopause/menopause has crashed into my life that I have had the guts to look into why I feel all of the sadness I do. I have tried to talk to a counselor, but the sadness I feel is hard to explain so it really doesn’t get resolved. It’s embarrassing to talk to coworkers because they tell me I should be able to hold it in and I can’t. I try, but the tears come spilling out.
I have always dreamed about quitting my job and writing full time, but I don’t think I can face that last day of saying good-bye and not cry my eyes out. I know this must seem really silly to some of my readers, but I have to be honest with myself and others. This is the way I feel, but I’m not all comfortable with it. I can’t leave my job because I am afraid of crying (feeling all of that grief) on my last day so I stay put.
That’s so sad.
When my coworker left the building tonight she was smiling and waving “Catch ya on the other side.” I was teary eyed by myself at my desk teary feeling totally frustrated with the way I was feeling. Why can’t be like that? Why can’t talk and laugh with people on their last day instead of being trapped by my sadness.
I know this post is way too emotional for a Friday night/Saturday morning, but I’m 52 years old and I need to figure this issue out for myself. I think it’s time I deal with this issue so I can move on with my life and be the writer I dream of being. I have a responsibility to myself to be the best person I can be and to live out my dreams.
I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that right now and I need to figure out what to do to change it.