I Really Hate Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to people is really hard for me.  It always has been.  I used to avoid it like the plague, but I’m getting better.

The reason I hate saying goodbye is that I cry.  I get all teary eyed and then I get embarrassed.  Even if I don’t know the person very well I still get teary eyed.  Everyone else can say goodbye, laugh, hug and joke around but I can’t.  I cry.   And I don’t know why.

I have had this problem since I was a little kid.  My parents wouldn’t let me watch the tv show Lassie (I know I am dating myself) because I would cry uncontrollably when Lassie couldn’t find his way home.  I have always felt this enormous amount of grief when I have to say good-bye to people.

I hate the fact that I can’t hold back my feelings.  I hate the fact that I get teary eyed when no one else does.  I get frustrated because I can’t explain how I feel or why.  I just get sad.  Then when I try to talk my voice cracks and sounds high pitched and this makes me uncomfortable.  I just hate the whole situation.

Today was one of my coworkers last day of work.  All day I felt that sadness.  The thing is is that I really don’t know her that well.  We aren’t close.  I like her.  She’s a nice person, but she’s not someone I would share a problem with because I don’t know her that well.  And then I get teary eyed when I say goodbye to her tonight……it doesn’t make any sense.  I don’t understand where that sadness comes from.

The more I put myself into the saying goodbye situation the better it gets and the more sadness I let go of.  I used to feel sad for weeks.  I would use my vacation or call in sick so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to someone.

It’s only since menopause/menopause has crashed into my life that I have had the guts to look into why I feel all of the sadness I do.  I have tried to talk to a counselor, but the sadness I feel is hard to explain so it really doesn’t get resolved.  It’s embarrassing to talk to coworkers because they tell me I should be able to hold it in and I can’t.  I try, but the tears come spilling out.

I have always dreamed about quitting my job and writing full time, but I don’t think I can face that last day of saying good-bye and not cry my eyes out.  I know this must seem really silly to some of my readers, but I have to be honest with myself and others. This is the way I feel, but I’m not all comfortable with it.  I can’t leave my job because I am afraid of crying (feeling all of that grief) on my last day so I stay put.

That’s so sad.

When my coworker left the building tonight she was smiling and waving “Catch ya on the other side.”  I was teary eyed by myself at my desk teary feeling totally frustrated with the way I was feeling.  Why can’t be like that?  Why can’t talk and laugh with people on their last day instead of being trapped by my sadness.

I know this post is way too emotional for a Friday night/Saturday morning, but I’m 52 years old and I need to figure this issue out for myself.   I think it’s time I deal with this issue so I can move on with my life and be the writer I dream of being.  I have a responsibility to myself to be the best person I can be and to live out my dreams.

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that right now and I need to figure out what to do to change it.

 

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “I Really Hate Saying Goodbye”

  1. I feel your pain because I have a very similar problem. Train stations goodbyes are the worst for me, i just blub on the platform and I don’t know why. I’ve just started having therapy for this as I sense there is a deep sadness in me that I cannot pinpoint the root cause. Without getting too personal on your blog but I have to wonder if it related to being adopted at birth, that separation from birth mother at a few weeks old. That said, it is well known that we carry trauma from past generations within us so maybe it doesn’t originate from you, rather a relative.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good bye is definitive- an ending. Even though you weren’t close, you know you’re probably never going to see them again. I cry at series finales of tv shows that I never watched. It’s ok to feel, just ask yourself why the thought of something ending is so emotional to you. And honestly, on a scale of all the idiosyncrasies we have, that’s not too bad…..

    Liked by 2 people

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