Gratitude Saturdays

LA from the blog Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50 posted 10 things that she was grateful today.  I hope you don’t mind, LA,  that I’m going to follow in your footsteps today and list ten things I am grateful for.

1.  The day shopping trip I’m going on tomorrow with my mom, sister and niece

2.  That my husband made it home safe and sound this week  (and every week)

3.  For the new house we are in the process of buying

4.  That I don’t have to work mandatory overtime today

5.  That I’m able to take boxes home from work for the move

6.  For Ebay and Craigslist that give me the opportunity to sell some of the stuff we don’t need anymore before the move

7.  Las Vegas  my home away from home.

8.  My blogging community

9.  Books and pens

10.  The internet and wordpress and my computer

Maybe if people think about what they are grateful for today other people will feel hope and love and maybe they will feel gratitude, too.

What are you grateful for today?

 

 

What Emotions Are You Bringing/Dragging Into 2018?

At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve.  I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.

Why don’t I do this with my emotions?

I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.

I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018.  I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times.  I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure.  I always want hope in my life.  I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any.   I always want love in my life.  I want to tell my friends and family that I love them.  I want to hear they love me.   I want to get and give hugs.  I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions?  Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger.  I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong.  I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.

I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it.  I try my best to ignore it.  On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing.  What project do I want to work on next?  What characters are speaking to me that day?  I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks.  I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore.  I don’t think it ever did.  A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it.  Until now.  I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it.  I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen.  I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me.  I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth.  I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing.  This is what I would like to explore more.

I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out.  I really would like my own house to put my own touches on.  I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet.  In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet.  My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children.  (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts)  I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money.  I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over.  I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.  Maybe this is why we don’t have a house.  My youngest step child graduates in June.  June 3rd to be exact.  Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.”  Wow!  That’s a big statement.  It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about.  She’s a bitch.  She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work.    I’m going to stop now.  Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.

 

In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday.  Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me.  Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother.   We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it.   I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me.  It hurts, but that’s the way it is.  You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It!  I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough.   I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018.  Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on.   I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her.  We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is.  Or is she playing us to get things out of us?

I still am a little angry with my little brother.  You all know that.  It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better.  It’s been good lately.  We’ve been texting.  When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh.  I’m pleasantly surprised.

I’m sad because I miss my dad.  I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here.  I know this is will always be here.  I don’t think it gets easier.  I think you get used to it.  I know he is with me.  I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go.  I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away.  Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shit Happens

I did something really stupid today.  I’m embarrassed to tell my story, but everyone makes mistakes and nothing bad happened.  It could have been bad, but luckily for me someone upstairs was looking out for me.  I’m grateful for that today.

I’ve been sick all week with one of the viruses that have been going around.  I went to the doctor on Monday because the wheezing in my chest scared the crap out of me.  My doctor told me it was a virus and it would run it’s course.  Monday I called in sick to work.  My doctor said Tuesday I took a vacation day.  My chest was better but my nose wouldn’t stop running.  Yes, I was taking cold medicine, Mucinex, Delsym, rubbing myself in Vick’s and sucking on cough drops.  Wednesday I worked 10 hours and thought I was going to die.  I couldn’t breathe.  My face was all red from blowing my nose on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yesterday I called in sick.  I felt a little bit better, but I wanted to rest.  Normally I wouldn’t call or take vacation but my husband was home on and off all week and I didn’t want to him sick with this virus because he had all of his teeth pulled today.  If he was sick they wouldn’t pull his teeth and he really needed it done for health reasons.

Last night was the first night since Sat. night that I didn’t take any cold medicine.  I felt kinda off kilter because of all of the medicine I took, but I was confident that I could drive him home, grab his prescriptions and take care of him the rest of the day.  I would take a nap later on that afternoon.  I was fine until the called me in the recovery room and the nurse showed me how to fold the gauze and place it on his gums.  I almost puked when she took the old gauze out and showed it to me.  It was all bloody and gross.  She talked me thru all of the stuff I would have to do.  Pain meds, foods he could eat, antibiotics, and time intervals for changing the gauze.  The ice packs.  I can’t forget the ice packs.

After we were done I went to get the truck.  His truck.  The truck I don’t drive all of the time.  I know I’m making excuses, but hear me out.  As I’m driving up to the door all of the instructions are running around in my head and I see him sitting in a wheel chair.  I’m thinking I need to get out of the truck and go to passenger and get him settled in.  I get out of the truck and it starts rolling backward.  I screaming for someone to help me.  I’m looking at all of the cars I’m going to hit if this truck doesn’t stop.  I’m panicking.  I’m reaching over (no i didn’t think about jumping back in the truck on stepping on the brake) to grab the shifter.  I don’t know if I stopped the truck or if it was something my husband did, but somehow the truck stopped.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I felt it was.  I haven’t talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t said anything.  I don’t know if he even remembers.  I feel horrible that he had to get out of the wheel chair after getting all of teeth pulled to help his wife because she didn’t put the truck in park.  Obviously all of the cold meds I took during the week didn’t make me competent to drive.  It was the first time in my life that anything like that has happened.  I still feel like a dumb ass.  Maybe it was seeing the blood and knowing I had to replace the gauze every 15 minutes that got me in a funk.

No one got hurt.  My husband is doing fine.  I am fine.  I was a little shook up this morning.  I kept apologizing for being a dumb ass, but he knows how sick I was this week.  I didn’t damage the building, grass or anyone’s vehicle.  All is good.  The only damage I did do is to my pinkie finger.  It must have got caught it  in between the shifter and the steering wheel or something as I tried to get the shifter into park because it is black and blue and hurts like hell.  And now that I think about it I need to give myself some credit.  At least I ran after it instead of standing there and watching it crash into the building or some cars.  This makes me feel a little bit better.

Shit happens.  It’s called being human.  I have to learn from the incident and move on.  It was a fluke thing.  I was sick.  And I need to forgive myself and call it a day.

If only it were that easy.  I still think I’m a dumb ass and probably always will. I can’t believe I did something that stupid and irresponsible.  I know better than that.

That’s my story.

 

 

 

 

Another Gentle Push

I was in the Karma and Luck store (Love Love Love this store!!!) in Harrah’s hotel in Las Vegas last week.  It’s a very cool store that sells stones and stone jewelry.  I bought three stones — rose quartz, amethyst and camelian.  Rose quartz promotes universal love.  Amethyst promotes health and beauty.  Camelian promotes sensuality, manifestation and creativity.  I’ve been told to put these stones in my purse or pants pocket, under my pillow or on my desk.   It works.  When I put the abundance rock in my pocket I found a $50 at the mini mart, later on that week I found a $20 on the floor at work and I won $100 on a lottery ticket.

I felt totally at home in this store.  I love this stuff.  The power of stones, karma, dreams, past lives.  I have always been drawn to this kind of stuff ever since I was a little kid.   As I walked about of the store and down the hall a little voice in my head said to me “You’re not doing what you’re suppose to be doing.  You’re not fulfilling your purpose.” This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this voice.  In the past I have either ignored the voice or pushed it down.  Deep in my heart I know I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing, but bills need to be paid and things need to get done.  I know that my calling and where I am at in my life are on totally different ends of the spectrum, but I’m scared to bring them closer together.

As I continued walking I decided that I’m going to listen to that voice.  I’m going to own who I am today and I’m going to do something every day to get closer to my calling every day.  I know…..easier said than done.

How did my life get so out of whack?  I think it’s because I don’t listen to myself.  I don’t know that part of myself.  I don’t take the time to get to know that part of myself.  I don’t make time for that part of myself.  The one thing I do know is that I have to get to know that part of myself.

This trip to Vegas has been very eye opening for me.  It’s been different.  My husband brought one of his coworkers along.  It was his first time to Vegas.  While the guys bonded (no alcohol involved) I was able to spend time with myself.  I loved that.

When we flew out early Tuesday morning I wrote for an hour on the plane while they watched tv.  After we landed I shared with James some of my favorite things about Vegas — the botanical gardens and the water show at the Bellagio hotel,  playing the Hangover slot machine, shopping at The Dragon’s Lair at the Excalibur hotel, watching the gondolas at the Venetian Hotel and gambling at Treasure Island hotel.  This got me thinking…..I do my favorite things in Vegas, but I can’t remember the last time I did one of my favorite things at home.  Wait.  I did get a pedicure before my trip.  I get so caught up in the day to day stuff that I forget about my favorite things or what they even are.  How is possible that I can’t even tell you what five of my favorite things are right now?  That’s sad.

On Thursday morning around 9 a.m. we went to the Barrett Jackson car auction.  (another one of my favorite things I love to watch on tv) at Mandalin Bay Hotel.  After walking around for three hours, I left the guys and went off on my own.  I did some shopping, talked to my mom, wrote for an hour and then met up with the guys for supper.

On Friday morning we went to the memorial site of the victims of the shooting.  I was ok until I stood in front of the 1st cross and I looked down the row of fifty eight crosses.  I cried.  All of these people lost their lives around the same time.  It was the first time I had been to something like this.  I was amazed at the notes from family and friends, the poems, balloons, candles and all of the other trinkets people left.  It was moving.  I could feel how much the 58 people were loved.  Seeing something like this definitely puts things in perspective.

It made me realize that I need to think about how I’m going to put more of the me I keep hidden inside of me and my favorite things into my life.  I need to share this part of myself with others and put it into my writing.  I need to start to getting comfortable with that part of myself.  I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet, but I’m going to try.

I definitely learned a lot about myself during my vacation.  I’m grateful my husband had James along so I could spend some time by myself and let things come to the surface.

It was a another gentle push to become more of the me I’m suppose to be.

Thank you, God.

Happy Wife Happy Life

I hate this phrase.

To me this means that the husband should be doing whatever his wife wants, when she wants, to make her happy.  She barks.  He jumps.  She’s happy.

This is bullshit.

What about him?  Is he happy?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Does she care?  Probably not.

I don’t know why, but that phrase pisses me off.  It irks me because there are two people in a relationship and both people deserve to be happy.  Not one.

Both people should have the chance to be happy, to have separate friends, to go after their dreams, to pursue their hobbies, have a relationship with their families, to have their voices heard and their opinions matter. When I was married 8 years ago (it was our anniversary on Aug. 29 🙂 ) I don’t remember Roger, our pastor, telling us during our vows that my husband should treat me better than I treat him.  I remember Roger telling us that we should love and cherish each other and our relationship.  Marriage is two people.  Not one.

Happy Wife Happy Life.

This phrase doesn’t fly in my house because I don’t feel I’m the only one who deserves to be happy.  My husband deserves to be happy, too.  We both do things that make each other happy.  My husband and I do things together that help us reach our goals as a couple.   My husband and I give each other the time to pursue our individual dreams and help each other whenever we can with whatever resources we have.

I don’t want to be that happy wife.  I wouldn’t feel right if I got my way all of the time.  It would be nice for awhile, but I wouldn’t want this.  Marriage is about compromise and helping each other.  Neither of us get our way all of the time.  I want to see my husband happy so if I have to compromise once in awhile that’s ok.  I like to see my husband happy.

I feel my husband and I have a unique relationship.  He drives over the road so he’s gone during the week.  What makes our relationship strong is that I talk to him on the phone for an hour every day.  We talk.  We talk about what needs to be done, family, and what we would like to do among other things. We talk about what is important to each of us and why.  We talk.

I don’t bark orders — he wouldn’t listen anyway.  I’m used to doing things by myself because he’s on the road all week.  When he does come home he has a limited window of time that he has to get what he needs to get done.  I never give him a “honey do” list because by the time he comes home he has his own list of what he wants to get done that weekend.  If I need his help I will ask “Hey honey can you help me with this please?”

Our relationship doesn’t have score cards.  We don’t say “I did this for you. Now you have to do this for me.”  Some weeks I do more than he does.  Some weeks he does more than I do.  It all evens out.  We do things together.  I gather the trash and put it in the truck and he takes it to the dump.  We prune our bushes together — he prunes and I rake. He cuts the grass with the rider and I rake it up – if there is a lot he helps rake.  We run errands together.   He makes breakfast.  I make supper.  It all works.

Honestly, I admit I am bossier since menopause.  If I sense that I have been too bossy I will back off and/or do something special for him.   If I am too bossy and I don’t sense it he’ll give me a look and I will give him the reasons why I think the way I do.  We talk about it.  Sometimes I get my way.  Sometimes I don’t.

Happy wife.  Happy husband.  That’s the way we roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Gentle Push

Thanks again ,to Anita at Discovering Your Happiness, for nominating me for the Liebster Award.  I am still super excited about it.

I thought it would be easy to write my award post.  A piece of cake.  All I had to do was copy and drop the award picture and figure out what blogs I wanted to nominate and link their blogs to my post.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought.  It took me an hour to figure out how to copy and paste the award picture and I still haven’t figure out how to link.  Oh well.  Everything needs a starting point.

I am grateful for the award, but I think I am more grateful for the gentle push by Anita to get me out of my comfort zone.  I have wanted to update my picture for awhile now.  I don’t like to be a white ball when I like someones post.  My favorite picture is Anita’s.  I love how she has the words around the outside of the circle and the symbol in the middle.  Also, there’s couple of things I wanted to change on my blog to make it more me, but I kept putting it off and putting it off.

Until now.

Anita asked me two questions that really stuck a chord in me.   Her questions were:         Where I see myself in five years?  Where do I see my blog in the next five years?

My answer to myself in five years.  Geez.  I am 52.  I don’t even want to think about being 57.  Honestly, I don’t want to think about this.  It scares me.  I don’t feel 52.  I don’t act like I’m 52.  Although, I am starting to move like I’m 52.  Ladies, I know you know what I am talking about.  Trying to walk after you’ve been sitting awhile…it takes a couple to steps to get your legs and hips to do what you want them to do.

My answer to my blog in five years.   When I started my blog it was because I had to.  My blog kept calling me.   Ideas would pop out of nowhere.   It kept nudging me until I answered the call.   When I did, I didn’t really have any goals.  Honestly, I’ve been writing my blog for myself to see how many people would read it.  I’m not doing too bad considering I haven’t told anyone around me that I have a blog — not my husband, my family, my in-laws, my friends or my coworkers.  I’m happy with my progress.  My followers grow every week.  I almost have doubled my views from last month.  Yes, there will be a time I will tell the people around me, but right now I’m happy to be on this journey by myself.  I’m proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far, but winning the award made me realize that I’m not doing it for me anymore.  I need to take my blog to the next level – whatever that may be. In the next couple of months I need to learn about this basics of wordpress and look at other blogs to see what I can do to make my blog more user friendly and fun.   I want my blog to be a positive place.   I don’t know where I want to be in five years, but in a year I would like to have more followers. I would like to show more of my writing — essays and short fiction — that I’m working on. I would like to interview strong women or maybe have them guest post for me.  I would to monetize my blog, but I’m not sure how.  I have some ideas.

To be honest, the set up of my blog has stayed the same because I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  My blog is growing and I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know why I’m afraid.  I love to learn new things, but when it comes to a computer i am like a fish out of water — flopping around trying to survive.  At this point in my life I don’t have a lot of patience.  It took me 45 minutes to download my antivirus software online.  Let’s not go there.  It’s not pretty.

I’m going to step out of my comfort zone a little at a time.  Now that camping season is almost over (there isn’t any wifi at the the campground) and fall is nipping out my heals, I will have my weekends free to learn new things.   I’m excited and scared.  I checked out a couple of books on wordpress and blogging — yes, the book for dummies 🙂   I’m taking that first step….

Thanks again, Anita, for the gentle push.

Peace and love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learn A Different Language

I read the above line on a church reader board right after the Paris attacks.  After thinking about for a couple of days I came up with the following new languages:

Love instead of hate

Compassion instead of anger

Being open minded instead of closed minded

Understanding instead of “my way or the highway” thinking

Tolerance instead of intolerance

Giving instead of taking

Doing things a new way instead of the same ole same ole

Patience instead of gimme right now

Peace instead of unrest

Please and thank you instead of rudeness

Joy instead of sadness

Hope instead of suffering

Sharing instead hoarding

Respect instead of entitlement

I think in one area of our lives each of us could learn a different language.  For me and my menopausal symptoms it would be patience.  I really need to learn how to be more patient.

What about you?  What new language will you learn today?