Today Sucks

 

I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo.  I’m still working on the first draft of my  novel, but not at 1,700 words a day.  I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.

I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult.  We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money.  I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected.  The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away.  It was a hard decision.  I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out.  I’m bummed out today because of it.

I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost.  I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump.  I’ll take the rest next week.  I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest.  It just sucks.  We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.

I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t.  I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either.  I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working.  I’m at a good place in my life.  My marriage is great.  I have a good job and great coworkers.  I’m beginning to get to know the real me.  The Menopause me.  I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.

I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.  I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too.   We really wanted this work.  I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings.  I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement.  Maybe if I get rid of the old……

Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football.  I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here.  That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.

I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now.  My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out.  I’m not so sure.  I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever.  I want out my cousins house and to get into my house.  I don’t want to live here anymore.

Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now.  Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

All I know right now is today sucks.

 

I’m Walking Away A Winner

“I can’t do this anymore,” I told my husband on Tuesday morning.  “I’m not spending one more minute of my energy on this house deal.  I think we need to walk.”

I was at my breaking point.

Monday night I came home from work, popped open a beer (which I rarely do) and opened my journal.  My last entry was June 10.  My entry started — I’m angry about this whole house thing.  I wish it was going smoother.  I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult.

And now, a month later, we are still in the same spot.

Unfreakin real.

It was getting ugly.  My Menopause Mad was coming out.  He yelled at me.  I yelled back.  I was using the “f” word.  As I drank my beer I knew we had to walk.  This journey was getting too hard.  The seller didn’t want to talk anymore.  Wait….he only wanted to talk if things were going his way.  If I tried to voice my opposing opinion he wouldn’t let me talk it all (that’s when I started yelling and he backed down).  Jerk!  For the last week I felt as if I was pushing a boulder up a hill.

Two weeks ago we gave him 30 days to find a new house.  I thought that would make the situation easier for everyone, but it was just made it worse.  I have done everything I could to make it work — including bringing moving boxes to them and delivering paperwork to where it needed to go to keep the loan moving forward.  Nothing was appreciated.

I’m done.

It is hard to let go of the house and the plans we had made.   The house was move-in ready except for the kitchen. We had bought back splash and picked out flooring for the kitchen   It wasn’t a major renovation, but the frig and stove needed to be reconfigured because our frig didn’t fit and the half dead dishwasher needed to be removed.  I didn’t want a new dishwasher (what I really want is someone to clean my bathroom!) because I like to do the dishes.  I was so excited to have my own office.

It wasn’t meant to be.  😦

I didn’t write my blog post yesterday because I wanted to give myself time to let the dust settle and process what happened.  I let my feelings come to the surface.  I cried and I realized something…

I didn’t listen to myself.  I didn’t listen to the flashes of intuition that popped into my head every so often.  Usually I’m a happy person, but in one of my flashes I realized I was angry almost every day.  I ignored those flashes because I wanted it to work.  I didn’t want to give up hope.  I didn’t want to start the process of looking for a house all over again so I just kept hanging on.

Dumb.

It seemed like every day I did something to make the loan move forward and I was losing myself.  I didn’t have time to do the things that I wanted to — like write.  I wasn’t spending as much time on my blog as I wanted to.  We weren’t spending weekends at the trailer because we were packing or we had to come back early because we had to send an amendment or do something.  I was losing myself in the process.

Yes, I’m sad that we didn’t get the house, but I’m jumping up and down because I don’t have to deal with the seller anymore.  Yeah for me.

I’m taking a vacation day on Friday and we are going to the trailer for the weekend.  I’m going to sit in a lawn chair and read and write and do what I want to.

I got my life back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divine Guidance…How Does It Work?

“Dad, if you want me to move you’ll have to find us a house.  We have looked and there’s nothing out there,” I said to my deceased father one Thursday night after work.

My dad hated the fact that I lived next to low income apartments.  He would ask, “Doesn’t it bother you coming home to a empty house while Steve is on the road?”  That was four years ago and it really didn’t bother me to come home.  The people in the apartments didn’t bother me.   Once in  great while it would bother me (depending on what tv show I watched) but not enough to worry about anything.

Now, four years later, it bothers me to be alone.  There’s drug deals going on next door and the cops are there almost a lot.  I want to move.  We’ve been looking for a house for the last six months and we have found nothing that fit us.  That’s why I was asking for my dad’s help.  Why not ask for a little help from up above?

I met my husband for breakfast the next morning at a local restaurant we frequent.  We were looking at Realtor.com when one of my favorite waitresses asked if we were looking for a house.

“Why?”  We asked in unison.  We were really getting bummed out about not finding a house.  The market is booming in our area.  Houses are being sold even before the get listed and getting over the list price.   It’s crazy.

“I have a house for sale,” She said and proceeded to tell us about it.

I thought to myself,  “Damn, Dad.  You’re good.”  I took it as a sign.

My husband looked at it that afternoon and I looked at it the next day.  We both loved it so we signed a contract to purchase it.  There was such a awesome vibe in that house…. like love flowed through it.   I felt it as soon as I walked in the door.  It reminded me of the apartment that my aunt and uncle had in Chicago.   The cool vibe was another reason why I thought we should buy it.

On the day of the home inspection there was a cardinal in the back yard.  My best friend, Mary, who passed away ten years ago loved cardinals so I took it as another sign that we were supposed to buy the house.

Things haven’t gone so well since then.  The sellers are moving to a different state and are having trouble finding a house.  The first deal didn’t go through.  It’s been a rough ride.  I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.   I thought because my dad picked out the house it would be a smooth ride.  I thought we had divine intervention, but now I feel like walking away.

I feel like walking away from the deal because the seller called us yesterday morning and blamed us and our bank for all of the problems they have been having.  His true colors came out yesterday and we didn’t like what we saw.   Now I realize why they are having problems with their realtor and seller on their end.

I keep asking myself  “What am I suppose to learn from this?”  The only good thing I can think of  is that my husband and I have grown closer and I love him more than I ever have.    We really communicated through this whole ordeal and have worked together to do everything we could to make this deal work.  I was really looking forward to living in this house with my husband.  This house made him happy and I like seeing him happy.

I know it’s probably stupid, but in a way, if we walk away from this deal I feel like I’m letting my dad down.  Maybe I’m not letting him down.  Maybe there is a higher purpose of this house deal than I realize right now that him and Mary can see, but I can’t.

Sometimes I wish that we could push fast forward and know the future.  I could see the house that we are suppose to buy so I can be on the lookout for it.

Who knows….maybe we are suppose to stay in the house we rent for awhile.

I believe that our loved ones guide us/help us from the other side.  I also believe that we all have a path we are suppose to take and things we have to learn in this lifetime.  I just wish I knew what our path was with this house.

I smelled cigarette smoke today and there was a cardinal that landed on a chair near the fire pit where I could see her in plain view so I know my dad and Mary are around me.  I just wish they were here in human form for me to talk to.

I guess all I can do right now is take a deep breath and let it go.  If we are suppose to buy the house everything will work out and if it doesn’t work on we need to put on our big girl and boy pants and walk away.

Wish me luck.