I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo. I’m still working on the first draft of my novel, but not at 1,700 words a day. I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.
I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult. We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money. I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected. The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away. It was a hard decision. I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out. I’m bummed out today because of it.
I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost. I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump. I’ll take the rest next week. I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest. It just sucks. We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.
I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t. I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either. I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working. I’m at a good place in my life. My marriage is great. I have a good job and great coworkers. I’m beginning to get to know the real me. The Menopause me. I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.
I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too. We really wanted this work. I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings. I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement. Maybe if I get rid of the old……
Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football. I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here. That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.
I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now. My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out. I’m not so sure. I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever. I want out my cousins house and to get into my house. I don’t want to live here anymore.
Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now. Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
All I know right now is today sucks.