What Emotions Are You Bringing/Dragging Into 2018?

At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve.  I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.

Why don’t I do this with my emotions?

I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.

I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018.  I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times.  I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure.  I always want hope in my life.  I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any.   I always want love in my life.  I want to tell my friends and family that I love them.  I want to hear they love me.   I want to get and give hugs.  I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions?  Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger.  I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong.  I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.

I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it.  I try my best to ignore it.  On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing.  What project do I want to work on next?  What characters are speaking to me that day?  I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks.  I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore.  I don’t think it ever did.  A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it.  Until now.  I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it.  I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen.  I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me.  I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth.  I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing.  This is what I would like to explore more.

I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out.  I really would like my own house to put my own touches on.  I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet.  In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet.  My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children.  (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts)  I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money.  I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over.  I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.  Maybe this is why we don’t have a house.  My youngest step child graduates in June.  June 3rd to be exact.  Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.”  Wow!  That’s a big statement.  It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about.  She’s a bitch.  She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work.    I’m going to stop now.  Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.

 

In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday.  Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me.  Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother.   We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it.   I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me.  It hurts, but that’s the way it is.  You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It!  I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough.   I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018.  Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on.   I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her.  We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is.  Or is she playing us to get things out of us?

I still am a little angry with my little brother.  You all know that.  It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better.  It’s been good lately.  We’ve been texting.  When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh.  I’m pleasantly surprised.

I’m sad because I miss my dad.  I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here.  I know this is will always be here.  I don’t think it gets easier.  I think you get used to it.  I know he is with me.  I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go.  I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away.  Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Gentle Push

I was in the Karma and Luck store (Love Love Love this store!!!) in Harrah’s hotel in Las Vegas last week.  It’s a very cool store that sells stones and stone jewelry.  I bought three stones — rose quartz, amethyst and camelian.  Rose quartz promotes universal love.  Amethyst promotes health and beauty.  Camelian promotes sensuality, manifestation and creativity.  I’ve been told to put these stones in my purse or pants pocket, under my pillow or on my desk.   It works.  When I put the abundance rock in my pocket I found a $50 at the mini mart, later on that week I found a $20 on the floor at work and I won $100 on a lottery ticket.

I felt totally at home in this store.  I love this stuff.  The power of stones, karma, dreams, past lives.  I have always been drawn to this kind of stuff ever since I was a little kid.   As I walked about of the store and down the hall a little voice in my head said to me “You’re not doing what you’re suppose to be doing.  You’re not fulfilling your purpose.” This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this voice.  In the past I have either ignored the voice or pushed it down.  Deep in my heart I know I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing, but bills need to be paid and things need to get done.  I know that my calling and where I am at in my life are on totally different ends of the spectrum, but I’m scared to bring them closer together.

As I continued walking I decided that I’m going to listen to that voice.  I’m going to own who I am today and I’m going to do something every day to get closer to my calling every day.  I know…..easier said than done.

How did my life get so out of whack?  I think it’s because I don’t listen to myself.  I don’t know that part of myself.  I don’t take the time to get to know that part of myself.  I don’t make time for that part of myself.  The one thing I do know is that I have to get to know that part of myself.

This trip to Vegas has been very eye opening for me.  It’s been different.  My husband brought one of his coworkers along.  It was his first time to Vegas.  While the guys bonded (no alcohol involved) I was able to spend time with myself.  I loved that.

When we flew out early Tuesday morning I wrote for an hour on the plane while they watched tv.  After we landed I shared with James some of my favorite things about Vegas — the botanical gardens and the water show at the Bellagio hotel,  playing the Hangover slot machine, shopping at The Dragon’s Lair at the Excalibur hotel, watching the gondolas at the Venetian Hotel and gambling at Treasure Island hotel.  This got me thinking…..I do my favorite things in Vegas, but I can’t remember the last time I did one of my favorite things at home.  Wait.  I did get a pedicure before my trip.  I get so caught up in the day to day stuff that I forget about my favorite things or what they even are.  How is possible that I can’t even tell you what five of my favorite things are right now?  That’s sad.

On Thursday morning around 9 a.m. we went to the Barrett Jackson car auction.  (another one of my favorite things I love to watch on tv) at Mandalin Bay Hotel.  After walking around for three hours, I left the guys and went off on my own.  I did some shopping, talked to my mom, wrote for an hour and then met up with the guys for supper.

On Friday morning we went to the memorial site of the victims of the shooting.  I was ok until I stood in front of the 1st cross and I looked down the row of fifty eight crosses.  I cried.  All of these people lost their lives around the same time.  It was the first time I had been to something like this.  I was amazed at the notes from family and friends, the poems, balloons, candles and all of the other trinkets people left.  It was moving.  I could feel how much the 58 people were loved.  Seeing something like this definitely puts things in perspective.

It made me realize that I need to think about how I’m going to put more of the me I keep hidden inside of me and my favorite things into my life.  I need to share this part of myself with others and put it into my writing.  I need to start to getting comfortable with that part of myself.  I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet, but I’m going to try.

I definitely learned a lot about myself during my vacation.  I’m grateful my husband had James along so I could spend some time by myself and let things come to the surface.

It was a another gentle push to become more of the me I’m suppose to be.

Thank you, God.

I Really Hate Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to people is really hard for me.  It always has been.  I used to avoid it like the plague, but I’m getting better.

The reason I hate saying goodbye is that I cry.  I get all teary eyed and then I get embarrassed.  Even if I don’t know the person very well I still get teary eyed.  Everyone else can say goodbye, laugh, hug and joke around but I can’t.  I cry.   And I don’t know why.

I have had this problem since I was a little kid.  My parents wouldn’t let me watch the tv show Lassie (I know I am dating myself) because I would cry uncontrollably when Lassie couldn’t find his way home.  I have always felt this enormous amount of grief when I have to say good-bye to people.

I hate the fact that I can’t hold back my feelings.  I hate the fact that I get teary eyed when no one else does.  I get frustrated because I can’t explain how I feel or why.  I just get sad.  Then when I try to talk my voice cracks and sounds high pitched and this makes me uncomfortable.  I just hate the whole situation.

Today was one of my coworkers last day of work.  All day I felt that sadness.  The thing is is that I really don’t know her that well.  We aren’t close.  I like her.  She’s a nice person, but she’s not someone I would share a problem with because I don’t know her that well.  And then I get teary eyed when I say goodbye to her tonight……it doesn’t make any sense.  I don’t understand where that sadness comes from.

The more I put myself into the saying goodbye situation the better it gets and the more sadness I let go of.  I used to feel sad for weeks.  I would use my vacation or call in sick so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to someone.

It’s only since menopause/menopause has crashed into my life that I have had the guts to look into why I feel all of the sadness I do.  I have tried to talk to a counselor, but the sadness I feel is hard to explain so it really doesn’t get resolved.  It’s embarrassing to talk to coworkers because they tell me I should be able to hold it in and I can’t.  I try, but the tears come spilling out.

I have always dreamed about quitting my job and writing full time, but I don’t think I can face that last day of saying good-bye and not cry my eyes out.  I know this must seem really silly to some of my readers, but I have to be honest with myself and others. This is the way I feel, but I’m not all comfortable with it.  I can’t leave my job because I am afraid of crying (feeling all of that grief) on my last day so I stay put.

That’s so sad.

When my coworker left the building tonight she was smiling and waving “Catch ya on the other side.”  I was teary eyed by myself at my desk teary feeling totally frustrated with the way I was feeling.  Why can’t be like that?  Why can’t talk and laugh with people on their last day instead of being trapped by my sadness.

I know this post is way too emotional for a Friday night/Saturday morning, but I’m 52 years old and I need to figure this issue out for myself.   I think it’s time I deal with this issue so I can move on with my life and be the writer I dream of being.  I have a responsibility to myself to be the best person I can be and to live out my dreams.

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that right now and I need to figure out what to do to change it.