Category: anger

What Emotions Are You Bringing/Dragging Into 2018?

At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve.  I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.

Why don’t I do this with my emotions?

I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.

I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018.  I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times.  I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure.  I always want hope in my life.  I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any.   I always want love in my life.  I want to tell my friends and family that I love them.  I want to hear they love me.   I want to get and give hugs.  I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions?  Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger.  I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong.  I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.

I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it.  I try my best to ignore it.  On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing.  What project do I want to work on next?  What characters are speaking to me that day?  I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks.  I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore.  I don’t think it ever did.  A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it.  Until now.  I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it.  I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen.  I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me.  I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth.  I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing.  This is what I would like to explore more.

I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out.  I really would like my own house to put my own touches on.  I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet.  In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet.  My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children.  (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts)  I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money.  I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over.  I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.  Maybe this is why we don’t have a house.  My youngest step child graduates in June.  June 3rd to be exact.  Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.”  Wow!  That’s a big statement.  It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about.  She’s a bitch.  She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work.    I’m going to stop now.  Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.

 

In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday.  Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me.  Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother.   We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it.   I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me.  It hurts, but that’s the way it is.  You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It!  I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough.   I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018.  Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on.   I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her.  We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is.  Or is she playing us to get things out of us?

I still am a little angry with my little brother.  You all know that.  It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better.  It’s been good lately.  We’ve been texting.  When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh.  I’m pleasantly surprised.

I’m sad because I miss my dad.  I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here.  I know this is will always be here.  I don’t think it gets easier.  I think you get used to it.  I know he is with me.  I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go.  I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away.  Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Anger

As I watch/deal with my brother’s anger I have to think about my own anger.  I don’t get angry very often.  Let me rephrase that.  I used to not get angry very often.  I was happy go lucky.  That is until menopause kicked in.  I am a little bit angrier now.  I am a lot less patient and most of the time that leads to me getting angry.

At the campground this summer I couldn’t get the anti gravity chair open and almost threw it.  My anger caught me off guard.  My husband or brother calmly helped me open the chair.  They have seen my quick temper, but my brother and sister in law have not.  I was embarrassed and knew I had to get my anger under control.

At work we have a program called EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where you can get five free counseling sessions a year.  I knew I needed help dealing with my anger so I called and made an appointment.  My counseling session went really well.  She talked to me about how to figure out what my trigger points are, what to do when I hit one of my trigger points and the steps I need to take to control my anger.  I had no idea I had trigger points, but the more we talked the more I realized what a couple of them were.  Stupid people.  People who don’t want to work.  Slow cashiers.   I learned a lot about myself and my anger in that hour.   I even received handouts to take home.  It’s nice to be able to refer to something when I’m having anger issues.   I’m a big believer in counseling.  Knowledge is power.  Sometimes it’s very helpful to talk to someone who doesn’t know you or your situation.  I have gone to counseling to deal with things happening in my life, big and small,  many times over the last twenty years.  The sessions are free so I use them when I need to.

The counseling session helped.  Last week I was putting away parts at work and I could feel myself getting angry because I couldn’t find the drawer they went in.  I knew I had a couple of choices.  I could ask for help.  I could walk away and come back when I calmed down.  Or I could get pissed off.  I walked away for five minutes and then asked for help.  I realized in my time out that getting pissed off over something so simple as not being able to find the parts I needed was really stupid.  I’m glad I went to the counseling session because it really helped put things into perspective.  I knew I was getting pissed off and I knew what to do about it.  It ended calmly.

I often think about what my brother’s anger is doing to his health, but is my anger  doing to my health?  No.  I think if it is it is very minimal, but I have noticed a couple of things.  At the dentist office last week my blood pressure was high.  They were concerned.  I wasn’t.  I was late because I had to stop for a train and there wasn’t any place to turn around so I had to sit and wait.  Instead of using that time wisely and saying positive affirmations or doing something positive the longer I sat there the more I got pissed.  The good thing is that I realized what I was doing.  Not right away, but a half hour later.  It’s an improvement.

I grind my teeth when I’m angry.  I don’t know if this is really a health issue, but I can see on the bottom of my two front teeth where I have grinded them.  I have grinded my teeth since high school and I wear a night guard at night, but in the last couple of years I can see/feel that I grind my teeth during the day — usually at work.  I have a little check mark on my desk at work that reminds me to check my jaw position during the day.  If I am clenching, I take a couple of deep breathes and figure out what is making me mad.  Sometimes it something at work and sometimes it’s not.

I know it’s not possible to never get angry.  I know that people/situations are going to piss me off.   I know that when I do get angry I need to keep it under control, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

I want to get back to being happy go lucky.

 

My Brother’s Anger

My brother  and my brother in law (my sister’s husband) are fighting.  It’s over a truck axle and a loss of $800 for my brother.  It happened over four years ago.  I don’t know the exact details, but I do know how it has negatively affected our family.  I know my brother in law would talk to my brother face to face about it, but my brother will not.  After four years he is still angry.  I mean angry and this anger rules his life.

How sad.

If it were a non family member that my brother was angry with I wouldn’t have thought twice about the anger in his life, but since it is my brother in law and I have to deal with my brother’s anger, I’ve thought a lot about it since Thanksgiving.  My brother’s anger runs so deep that he’s pushing people away.  He puts a damper on the holidays because he feels he is right and everyone else is wrong.  He complains about being alone on holidays, but he chooses not to come to family gatherings because my brother in law will be there.  He is invited.  He chooses not to go.   He isn’t honest about why he doesn’t go.  He won’t admit to people that he’s been angry for the last four years and won’t let it go.

That’s just it.  He won’t let it go.  He won’t even acknowledge that my brother in law is in the room except for when he says a hurtful comment.  He could bury the hatchet.  He could call my brother in law and ask if they could talk.  He won’t admit that he might be  wrong or in any part had anything to do with what happened.  It’s all my brother in law’s fault.  My brother speaks poorly of my sister and her family.  Four years later.  He also blames my sister.  He thinks that she should have stepped in and done something in his defense.  The funny thing is is that he hasn’t stepped up to the plate and done anything to fix things except hold onto his anger for four years.

How long does a person have a right to hold on his or her anger?  I think it’s ridiculous that it has gone on this long.  That said, my brother has always operated from a place of anger.  I’m not like that.  I refuse to be like that.  I can’t stay angry at anyone long.  I believe in communication.  I believe in talking through problems. My brother is so consumed by his anger that he doesn’t see there is another way.  Love.  Peace.  I think since my brother has held onto his anger for so long it really isn’t my brother in law’s fault anymore.  It’s my brother’s.  My brother’s anger is the issue now.  Not what happened between them.

My brother thinks he is right.  It’s his right to think this.  This is his perspective.  What I don’t think he realizes is that being right has a cost.  He has lost four Christmas Eve’s with his family because he would rather sit home alone and dwell on his anger and how he was wronged than spend time with his family.  On other holidays when we are at my mom’s (she lives with him, but that’s another post) he says hurtful comments because he is angry.   Those angry words, even though he thinks he has a right to say them, can’t be taken back.  Sure, he can apologize for them, but at the end of the day the hurt behind the words will always be there.  Always remembered.  He’s missing out on having a relationship with me, my sister and my brother because he pushes us away with his anger.  I don’t think he realizes it.  I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t listen.  He’s right.  Everyone else is wrong.  End of story.  What a sad way to live.  I wish I could get inside his head and understand why he thinks the way he does.  I try to talk to him.  I get snide comments.  I invite him to come to our trailer, but he won’t because my sister and brother in law might be there.  His anger has closed him off from so many things and so many people.  I don’t know what to do help him so I just stay away.  I visit my mom when he’s not there.  I don’t know what else to do.

This issue has made me look at my own anger.  Right away I think of the house we lost and the $675.00 we lost.  Yes, I was angry, but my anger has died down.  After thinking about how my brother holds onto his anger I decided that I can’t hold onto the any anger I have about losing the house.  I think if they wanted to sit and talk about what happened I would talk to them.  I’m not sure my husband would.   For me, I have to let that anger go.  It happened over six months ago and I can’t hold onto that anger anymore.  I wish it would have turned out differently, but it didn’t and I have to accept that.  Holding onto that anger isn’t going to do anything positive for me.  It’s going to hold me back.  I don’t want to be held back.  I want to move forward.  I want to live.

My brother is over weight (over three hundred pounds and 6 feet tall) and has high blood pressure.  Now I understand why.  I can only imagine how holding in all of that anger and all of the other negative emotions puts strain on his heart and other organs.  It’s sad that he’s too caught up in his anger to see this.  Holding onto that anger is affecting his health in more ways than he realizes.  I’m afraid his anger is going to kill him.

I do realize that people get angry.  Hell, I get angry and I get angry faster and more often than ever.  Because I don’t really get mad that often, I didn’t know how to deal with anger I felt and how quickly my temper flared.  I felt I had to deal with my anger issues after an episode at the campground where I couldn’t get the anti-gravity chair to open and I almost threw it much the amazement of my husband, my brother, and my husband’s brother and his wife.  I was surprised of how quickly I could get angry.  I loose my patience quickly and snap easily.  I didn’t like the anger I felt and I knew I had to find a positive way to deal with it.  Luckily through my work I get five free counseling sessions a year through EAP (Employee Assistance Program).  I did go see a counselor.  She helped me learn that we all have trigger points and what to do when we get to these points and how to stay away from our trigger points.

It’s almost 2018.  Don’t you think that my brother would want to start the year fresh and not carry over any resentment into 2018?  I doubt if he sees it this way.  I don’t see why we just can’t all get along.  I know this is easier said than done.  I know some people aren’t easy to get along with, but I think those people just need more love in their lives.  In my brother’s case he just pushes it away, but I do things to show him I love him anyway.  He gets mad and makes crude comments, but I show him anyway.  I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I guess I stay away because I never know what mood he is in and what is going to come out of his mouth.  Maybe I’m closed off.

I just wish he would let go of his anger so we could be a family again.  This would be a wonderful gift to give my mom.  To have all of her children laughing, talking and enjoying each others company in the same room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Want To Express My Soul

I have never really taken up a lot of space in this world.  For my whole 52 years of life I have stayed quiet in a corner.  Not really saying much or causing the focus of the world to be on me.  I’ve never wanted to be the center of attention or have the attention on me.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with anger.  Maybe, now, it’s because I want to be heard.  I want to be more of who I am.  I want to do what is important to me.  I want to matter.

I want to express my soul.

I realized today that maybe I’m angry because I want to take up more space in the world than I currently am.  I’m growing, learning and becoming more of myself.  As I change and grow and become more of the new me I am becoming stronger.  The stronger I become the more aware I am of what I need and want.  The more I become me the more space I am going to take up in the world.

Things that weren’t important to me are now important to me.  For example, my husband fixes lawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, snow blowers, etc. in the garage on the weekends.  I encourage him to do this because this is relaxing to him and it gives him the down time he needs after being on the road all week.  Most importantly, he enjoys it.  During the week I try to get all of my stuff done so help him get what he needs to get done while he’s home.

For the last couple of months something has been nagging at me in the back of my head.  How come I don’t make time for myself and my dreams like I make time for my husband’s?  During the week I make sure there is food for him to eat (sometimes) and that his favorite towels and his laundry is washed when he gets home.  I run whatever errands he needs.  I do whatever needs to be done.  Isn’t that what a truck driver’s wife is suppose to do?  My life basically runs around him and what he needs.

What about me?  What about what I need and want?  Why am I not treating myself like I treat my husband?  I think this is where my anger stems from because needs and wants that I never knew about or I did and I pushed back down are now coming to the surface.  They demand to be dealt with.   As I grow and change I’m realizing I want to take up more space in the world.  I want shout out to the world “Here I am.  Are you ready for me?”

Admitting this rocks the boat.  It unbalances things.  I don’t ask for a lot.  I don’t need a lot.  I guess…until now.

It’s not that I’m unhappy in my marriage because I’m not.  I’m very happy.   I just want more.  I don’t think this is wrong.  I want to expand me and who I am.  I’m getting to know the real me and this is awesome and scary at the same time. I’m feeling very raw right now.  I’m not sure how to express the new me and what I want and need.   I know  the balance needs to change to include more of me and I’m not exactly sure how to do this.

Balance.  This is what I need to find.  I need to find a balance between taking care of me and my needs (that unruly, bossy, sometimes uncontrollable, stubborn four year old inside of me that wants/needs to be heard) and my husbands.  It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just a new beginning.

Today I’m not worried about sentence structure, paragraphing or any of that other stuff.  I just need to get my feelings out on paper.  It’s not finished.  There’s probably stuff I forgot to include and that is ok.  When I started this blog I wanted to share my menopause journey and all of the messy, hard parts and this is one of them.

Thanks for following and/or reading my messed up menopause journey.

Have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Not The Same Woman

I am a little sad today because I realized — full blown — that I am not the same woman I was before menopause.  Did I think I would be?  Yeah…a little.  I read about the changes, but for some reason I didn’t think it would happen to me.  Or, maybe, I hoped it wouldn’t happen to me.

My husband’s sisters were at the campground.  They are a loud and opinionated group.  I was a different person this time.  I didn’t keep my mouth shut.  I stated my opinion and why I felt the way I did.  I think all four sisters saw a side of me they never have.  By the end of the day I was tired, pissy and had had enough.

As I have said before, I try to keep my menopausal symptoms to myself and under wraps. I try not to be angry or pissy or let my patience run out, but sometimes I can’t do it.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was pissy and short tempered — a person I am usually not.

Before perimenopause I was always happy.  Nothing really bothered me.  It took me a long time to get mad at people.  I didn’t have a temper. I helped people whenever I could.  It didn’t matter if they did anything for me in return because I was happy to help.   I liked to be needed.  Sometimes I let people take advantage of my generosity.   I was quiet.  I didn’t voice my opinion for fear of making people mad.  I didn’t like conflict.   I didn’t want to be in the spotlight or let my light shine.  I basically stayed in the corner.

After perimenopause and into menopause I am very opinionated.  I have a voice and I share freely how I feel.  I don’t care if I voice my opinion and make people mad.  My temper is set off by someone breathing wrong.  It’s not funny, but sometimes it’s true.  If I’m pissed at you you will know.  I am not quiet.  I refuse to stand in the corner and be quiet.  I need to let my light shine.  I need to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.   I’ve let go of friendships that I haven given and given and given to and didn’t get anything I return.  I refuse to come last in someone’s life.  My relationships need to have give and take in them — not just take.  I deserve to have good people and good things in my life.   I really don’t care if people like me or not.

My husband jokes around and tells people he fears for his life when he is home.  Maybe sometimes he is serious — depending on my mood.  He makes me laugh.  He’s the reason I have made it through this menopause stuff this far.  I feel very lucky that I can talk to him about my symptoms, how I feel and what I need to do.   He does stupid stuff and makes me laugh when I am crabby.  He makes me feel better.

Later on last night when we were alone I told him why I was pissy.  We talked about it.  I voiced my opinion and he voiced his.  We are on track and think the same way about a lot of things and this is one of them.  He listens to me and I feel loved.

I was sad this morning because I think my relationship with people may change or have changed because I am not the same person I was and I can’t go back to being that person.  This is who I am right now and people are just going to have to deal with it.  Call me a bitch or whatever you will, but I can’t go back.  I don’t want to go back.  I like this new me.  It’s almost like I am free.  I broke out of the chains and I can live the way I want to.  I feel this is the person I am meant to be.

 

I think on some level I am sad to let the old me go.  I was that person for over 45 years.  It was safe and I felt safe.  Some days I don’t know how to navigate these waters of menopause.  Some days I feel like a fish out of water and other days I feel I am swimming upstream barely making any progress.  I have been swimming in this river for the last two years and it hasn’t been fun.

It occurred to me today how much I have changed in the last two years.  I think camping this weekend in his family’s dynamic is the reason my sadness came to the surface.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is.  I don’t feel I fit into the same places that I used to and it makes me question my place in the world.

This is what menopause does.  It turns your life upside down and you have to pick up the pieces and put it back together.

I am a different women and I like who I am becoming.  If other people don’t like the new me so be it.  That’s the way it is.  I’m not going back.

What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a problem lately with people telling me what to do — no matter if it’s my mom, husband, family member, coworker, neighbor or stranger.  I get all prickly and my menopause mad kicks in.  I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.  I can decide for myself what I want to do.

For example the following situation happened at work last week:

   “Why didn’t you come in at 1 p.m. today?” A coworker asked me last week when I came in at 2 p.m. which is my normal starting time. “You know we are busy.”  

      I didn’t respond, but what rant went on in my head — I know we are busy, but I didn’t feel like coming on at 2 today.  It’s not mandatory.    There are things that I needed to do for myself  — like write for an hour.  I feel this is more important to my well being than coming in at 2.  I didn’t want to come in at 2 and I’m not feeling guilty about it.

I don’t know what to say.  It’s like I have this 4 year old that comes to the surface and has a tantrum.  She gets mad and says “You’re not going to tell me what do.  I’m smart enough and old enough to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I will decide what is best for me.”

You have to understand something.  This isn’t me.  This really has never been me.  This isn’t the way I usually react to these situations.  This isn’t who I am.

Until now.

Until this menopause thing kicked in.

My fits come on like hot flashes — from the inside and boil out.  No warnings.  Just words tumbling out of my mouth.  No rhyme.  No reason.  Just tumbling.

It embarrasses me.  It makes me feel bad because I don’t know this part of myself.  I don’t know how to control her.  People probably think I’m a bitch, but I don’t know how to stop it.  I actually scares me to be like this sometimes because this is not me.  I used to be calm, quiet, and not allowed bothered me, but now look out.

For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to stand up for myself.  I’m not afraid to stand up for what I want and what I need and what is important to me.  This isn’t a bad thing.   It’s a good thing.  I’m just not used to being like this.

I feel like I’m coming into my own, but I’m not sure what my own is.  It’s funny because I don’t know who this person is, but I know it’s part of the real me coming to the surface.   It’s uncomfortable territory, but I ready to see what is there and who I really am and what she wants and needs.

Look out ’cause here I come!

 

 

 

Menopause Mad

That’s enough of this shit.  I’ve had it and I’m not dealing with it anymore.

There’s a situation at work between a woman on 1st shift (the bully) and a woman on 2nd shift (who takes the bully’s crap).  Both women work in the same department.

The bully tries to bully me, but I won’t allow it.  The woman on 2nd shift complains to me about being bullied, but isn’t willing to go to management.

Last week I was helping in another area and wasn’t helping the bully.  I am the floater on 2nd shift and I’m suppose to help in the area that needs the most help that day.  I feel I’m smart enough that I can figure in what area I need to help in, but the bully didn’t agree.   After the bully left, the 2nd shift lady told me that the bully was complaining to her about what I was doing.

That’s it.  I lost it.  That was the straw that broke the camels back.  Who in the hell does the bully is that she can tell me what to do?  She is no one and I definitely don’t have to listen to her.   I fumed the rest of the night.

The next day I went to my boss and asked her what my job responsibilities were.  She asked me why and I told her what was going on — that I was sick of the bully trying to boss me around,  that I wasn’t going to put up with anymore and that I was done dealing with the situation between the two women.  She listened to me rant and told me to continue to do what the bully didn’t think I should be doing.  For the rest of the night I barely talked to anyone and concentrated on doing my job.  I was so mad.

I was Menopause Mad!

Over the next couple of days I calmed down, but I was still mad.  I was mad at the bully for being a bully and I was mad at the 2nd shift woman for not standing up for herself, but beyond that I don’t know why I felt the way I did.   I just knew I was mad.   I knew that I had had enough and was sick of dealing with the whole situation.  I had hit my breaking point.

I was kind of embarrassed that I had reacted that way, but now both women know that I am not dealing with the situation anymore.  They both know where I stand and if that’s what had to happen to get to this point then that’s what needed to happen.

Menopause has made me more mouthy than I have every been in my life.  I can’t hold back my feelings.  If you piss me off you will definitely know it and you probably won’t forget it.   I don’t tolerate anyone’s crap anymore.

I don’t know where this Menopause Mad comes from.  It starts out with being angry and then it’s like a switch flips in me and I am PISSED off.  That’s it.  I’ve had enough.  I’m done.

This is so unlike me.  I used to be soft spoken and afraid to voice my opinion.  Not anymore.  I’m definitely not afraid to tell people how I feel.

Menopause gives us the guts to speak up and claim what is ours.  No excuses.  No holds barred.  It’s mine and I’m taking it.  You better give it to me or I’m going to be mad….

Menopause mad!