At the end of every year I look at my life and examine what is working, what I want to change and what I want to achieve. I have a mental list in my head and sometimes on paper of what I want to change or achieve.
Why don’t I do this with my emotions?
I have wrote about my anger and my brother’s anger over the last couple of months and that led me to think about the other emotions in my life: sadness, hatred, jealousy, happiness, joy, gratitude, love, etc.
I want to bring all of the happiness, success, and hope I can into 2018. I want to keep all of the happy times in my pocket and remember them in non happy times. I want to keep all of my successes on my wall so I can look them and remember why and how I achieved what I did when I feel like a failure. I always want hope in my life. I always want to find a glimmer of hope in situations where people may say there isn’t any. I always want love in my life. I want to tell my friends and family that I love them. I want to hear they love me. I want to get and give hugs. I want to be grateful every day for everything in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for.
It’s easy to figure out what positive emotions I want to bring into 2018, but what about the negative emotions? Sadness, jealousy, hatred, and anger. I really didn’t think I was carrying any negative emotions into 2018, but I was wrong. I’m going to share what I feel I’m carrying with you.
I have a little resentment/anger because I don’t like the things going on at work and no matter what is said to management nothing is done to change it. I try my best to ignore it. On days that it really gets to me I think of my writing. What project do I want to work on next? What characters are speaking to me that day? I write down little bits of dialog or plot and write more about it on my breaks. I don’t think my job fits who I am anymore. I don’t think it ever did. A different way of life has always whispered to me, but I never listened to it. Until now. I’m trying to open that part of me up and explore it. I know that I have stuffed those feelings down, deep down, so they may take a while to come to the surface, but I have to/want to listen. I want 2018 to be a year of transformation job wise for me. I hope to get closer to who I am and what my purpose is on this earth. I feel it is to write and to help people with my writing. This is what I would like to explore more.
I’m a little angry/disappointed over how my house deal and the two houses we put offers on didn’t work out. I really would like my own house to put my own touches on. I wish I could see the whole picture of why we don’t have a house yet. In the last couple of days I think I have put my finger on maybe a little of why we don’t have a house yet. My husband’s ex girlfriend and the mother of my two step children. (She never wanted to get married because she wanted the money at the end of the year, but this is another post or 500 posts) I/we have always kept under the radar because we didn’t want to get dragged back into court because she wanted more money. I’ve always looked over my shoulder wondering what scheme she is concocting to screw us over. I never wanted to do anything to draw attention to ourselves. Maybe this is why we don’t have a house. My youngest step child graduates in June. June 3rd to be exact. Yesterday I told one of my coworkers that “we get our lives back on June 3rd.” Wow! That’s a big statement. It’s almost like I’ve been putting my life on hold so I didn’t have to deal with her. This is definitely something to write in my journal about. She’s a bitch. She has 4 kids from three different men so she doesn’t have to work. I’m going to stop now. Yeah, there is definitely some anger here that I need to deal with.
In early January my husband and I took my step daughter to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate her 18th birthday. Spending the weekend with her brought up a lot of emotions for me. Our relationship hasn’t been easy and isn’t how I would like it to be because of her mother. We used to have a great relationship, but then her mother got jealous and ruined it. I feel my step children will never know the real me because of all the lies their mother told them about me. It hurts, but that’s the way it is. You can only take getting screwed over so many times before you give up and say Screw It! I tried, but nothing I did was ever good enough. I know I’m dragging negative emotions from all of the things that have happened in the past 13 years into 2018. Now that she’s an adult and will graduate from high school in June I’m hoping I can deal with some of these negative emotions and move on. I didn’t realize how heavily my emotions weighed on me until I spent the weekend with her. We did have a good time, but there is that level of distrust that I feel even though I know that she knows how mother is. Or is she playing us to get things out of us?
I still am a little angry with my little brother. You all know that. It’s an on going thing that may not ever get better. It’s been good lately. We’ve been texting. When I stop by my mom we talk and laugh. I’m pleasantly surprised.
I’m sad because I miss my dad. I know it was his time to die, but there is still a big hole in my life because he’s not here. I know this is will always be here. I don’t think it gets easier. I think you get used to it. I know he is with me. I can feel him around me, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.
Now that I know what negative emotions I’m probably dragging over into 2018 I can deal with them and let them go. I was thinking I could visualize myself putting them into a hot air balloon and watch them float away. Or write them on a piece of paper and rip it up into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.
I wonder what good things will come into my life once I let go of all that old crap. I’ll let you know.