my own space – Chrissy's Fab 50's

Girl On Fire

What I loved most about this years Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is Angelica Hale from America’s Got Talent singing “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keyes. 9 years old and kicking butt!

I love the parade. It always inspires me because almost everyone in the parade is living their dreams. The musicians and dancers. The actors and actresses. The screenwriters and playwrights.

If they are living their dreams why can’t I live mine?

I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Why can’t I? I think that part of my problem is that I don’t have a specific goal. I know I want to be an author but I don’t have any specific goals. I want to get my essays and short stories published and I would love to write the final draft of my romance novel, but I don’t have any specific goals. Goals that I write down on paper and achieve. Goals that I work toward every time I sit down to write. I don’t know why I don’t write down my goals. I have goals in my head. Floating around in my head. Sometimes they are close. Sometimes they are far away.

I need to get my office (my half of our office) in order. I have a stack of papers for my blog on one side of my desk. Old blog posts that I have typed and need to file. Partially written blog posts that I need to file or finish. Magazine articles and other stuff I find interesting to possibly write about in future blog posts. I keep piling stuff on the pile and not dealing with it. On the other side I have notes, a notebook and two folders for my first draft for NaNoWriMo. (I wrote a couple of scenes over the past week). I would like to have a clean desk.

I think I have a lot of stuff that I don’t need on my bookshelf. Notebooks and notepads. I love notebooks. I usually write the 1st draft of my posts in a notebook of some kind. College ruled. Spiral works best for me and preferably with a pocket. I have a notebook in my office, in the living room, in my truck and in my locker at work. The goal for my bookshelf is to have all of my writing projects on the shelves so I can easily see and access them. If I write notes for a project I can easily file the notes or grab it and work on it.

I realized this weekend that I don’t have any rhyme or reason to my desk. It holds my computer, keyboard, mouse and piles of paper. Because my desk is a mess I have no idea where I am with my writing projects. My goal for my desk is that I would love to be able to walk into my office and start working instead of looking at it and mumbling “WTF!”

What is in my head and what is in my office are far apart. I’ve been putting off dealing with my office issues because I was hoping we were moving and I would have my own office. That didn’t happen so I need put my big girl pants on and deal with what I have. A very disorganized writing life….and then I wonder why I don’t accomplish anything.

I want my office to have only what I need in it and not what I think I might use some day. I get distracted by my stuff. I have a lot of “things” in my office instead of a lot of writing. This definitely needs to change. I want to have a place for everything in my office and everything in it’s place.

Right now this girl is definitely not on fire, but I would like to be. I think I’m going to use “Girl on Fire” as my 2018 mantra. I want to be able to describe and/or think of myself as a girl on fire. Moving toward her goals and not letting anyone stop her. I’m going to put this on my bulletin board (which only has a picture of snoopy hugging woodstock on it. I know. Sad. It could be used for so much more) and look at it every day.

A girl on fire who writes everyday. That’s me.

What is your mantra for 2018?

I Want To Express My Soul

I have never really taken up a lot of space in this world. For my whole 52 years of life I have stayed quiet in a corner. Not really saying much or causing the focus of the world to be on me. I’ve never wanted to be the center of attention or have the attention on me.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with anger. Maybe, now, it’s because I want to be heard. I want to be more of who I am. I want to do what is important to me. I want to matter.

I want to express my soul.

I realized today that maybe I’m angry because I want to take up more space in the world than I currently am. I’m growing, learning and becoming more of myself. As I change and grow and become more of the new me I am becoming stronger. The stronger I become the more aware I am of what I need and want. The more I become me the more space I am going to take up in the world.

Things that weren’t important to me are now important to me. For example, my husband fixes lawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, snow blowers, etc. in the garage on the weekends. I encourage him to do this because this is relaxing to him and it gives him the down time he needs after being on the road all week. Most importantly, he enjoys it. During the week I try to get all of my stuff done so help him get what he needs to get done while he’s home.

For the last couple of months something has been nagging at me in the back of my head. How come I don’t make time for myself and my dreams like I make time for my husband’s? During the week I make sure there is food for him to eat (sometimes) and that his favorite towels and his laundry is washed when he gets home. I run whatever errands he needs. I do whatever needs to be done. Isn’t that what a truck driver’s wife is suppose to do? My life basically runs around him and what he needs.

What about me? What about what I need and want? Why am I not treating myself like I treat my husband? I think this is where my anger stems from because needs and wants that I never knew about or I did and I pushed back down are now coming to the surface. They demand to be dealt with. As I grow and change I’m realizing I want to take up more space in the world. I want shout out to the world “Here I am. Are you ready for me?”

Admitting this rocks the boat. It unbalances things. I don’t ask for a lot. I don’t need a lot. I guess…until now.

It’s not that I’m unhappy in my marriage because I’m not. I’m very happy. I just want more. I don’t think this is wrong. I want to expand me and who I am. I’m getting to know the real me and this is awesome and scary at the same time. I’m feeling very raw right now. I’m not sure how to express the new me and what I want and need. I know the balance needs to change to include more of me and I’m not exactly sure how to do this.

Balance. This is what I need to find. I need to find a balance between taking care of me and my needs (that unruly, bossy, sometimes uncontrollable, stubborn four year old inside of me that wants/needs to be heard) and my husbands. It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just a new beginning.

Today I’m not worried about sentence structure, paragraphing or any of that other stuff. I just need to get my feelings out on paper. It’s not finished. There’s probably stuff I forgot to include and that is ok. When I started this blog I wanted to share my menopause journey and all of the messy, hard parts and this is one of them.

Thanks for following and/or reading my messed up menopause journey.

Have a great day!

I Love The Artwork Of Kelly Rae Roberts!!

I’m so excited! In a month or so I get to have my own office. My own office. It was part of the deal my husband and I made when we started looking for a house. He gets the garage he wants and I get my own office. Right now we share an office. It’s really not a big deal. He’s not a bother. I just want my own space.

Having my own office means I get to decorate it the way I want and I’m really excited to do this. I have been a big fan of Kelly Rae Roberts for the last couple of years. Her artwork speaks to my soul. Her artwork gives me courage to move forward in my life. It’s like she knows what I am thinking deep inside and her artwork is the answer to my inner yearnings.

Kelly believes that artwork heals and that we have to make our own rules. She used to be a medical social worker, but then she started experimenting with art. She creates the coolest stuff. She even has painting e courses. She has definitely found her calling and I love what she creates. (go check out her website @ kellyraeroberts.com. I’m sorry but I don’t know how to link things yet.)

I have her 2017 calendar (which I found on accident – well maybe not). For the month of June there is a beautiful butterfly and the words “Allow the Unfolding”. I love butterflies. To me butterflies represent change and with this upcoming move I am in the middle of a big change. “Allow the Unfolding” OMG! That is me going through every piece of what I own and asking myself if this is going to be something in need in the last half of my life. It means to let things happen and take time to deal with the emotions and move forward. That it’s ok to move forward and have the life that I want and to make my dreams come true.

Since I turned 50 I knew I wanted my 50’s to be fabulous and part of that fab is to follow my passion to write. I need to let go of all of the preconceived notions I had about being a writer and all of the times I have sent query letters to magazines that weren’t interested in publishing my soul work and listen to stirring of my soul. I need to examine my writing self and see what is truly there. In comes my office…..

One of the reasons I’m so excited about my new office is I get to paint it any color I want. I’m thinking of a light yellow. I want to paint a portion of one wall with chalkboard paint so can write a list or draw or do whatever I want.

This office gives me a chance to explore myself and find out who I really am as a writer (That’s partially why I started this blog). It gives me a place to put all of my books. I can have all of my writing in one place instead of in my office and on the coffee table in the living room. I can’t wait to have my rocking chair in my office so I can rock and read. It’s my “ME” room.

I think it’s important in our 50’s to have what speaks to us close to us and I can’t wait to have more Kelly Rae Roberts in my office. Maybe a print on every wall….

Thanks Kelly for all that you do! You’re amazing 🙂