Category: anxiety

What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a problem lately with people telling me what to do — no matter if it’s my mom, husband, family member, coworker, neighbor or stranger.  I get all prickly and my menopause mad kicks in.  I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.  I can decide for myself what I want to do.

For example the following situation happened at work last week:

   “Why didn’t you come in at 1 p.m. today?” A coworker asked me last week when I came in at 2 p.m. which is my normal starting time. “You know we are busy.”  

      I didn’t respond, but what rant went on in my head — I know we are busy, but I didn’t feel like coming on at 2 today.  It’s not mandatory.    There are things that I needed to do for myself  — like write for an hour.  I feel this is more important to my well being than coming in at 2.  I didn’t want to come in at 2 and I’m not feeling guilty about it.

I don’t know what to say.  It’s like I have this 4 year old that comes to the surface and has a tantrum.  She gets mad and says “You’re not going to tell me what do.  I’m smart enough and old enough to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I will decide what is best for me.”

You have to understand something.  This isn’t me.  This really has never been me.  This isn’t the way I usually react to these situations.  This isn’t who I am.

Until now.

Until this menopause thing kicked in.

My fits come on like hot flashes — from the inside and boil out.  No warnings.  Just words tumbling out of my mouth.  No rhyme.  No reason.  Just tumbling.

It embarrasses me.  It makes me feel bad because I don’t know this part of myself.  I don’t know how to control her.  People probably think I’m a bitch, but I don’t know how to stop it.  I actually scares me to be like this sometimes because this is not me.  I used to be calm, quiet, and not allowed bothered me, but now look out.

For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to stand up for myself.  I’m not afraid to stand up for what I want and what I need and what is important to me.  This isn’t a bad thing.   It’s a good thing.  I’m just not used to being like this.

I feel like I’m coming into my own, but I’m not sure what my own is.  It’s funny because I don’t know who this person is, but I know it’s part of the real me coming to the surface.   It’s uncomfortable territory, but I ready to see what is there and who I really am and what she wants and needs.

Look out ’cause here I come!

 

 

 

A New Phone Brings Up An Old Issue

My husband and I purchased new phones on Sunday.   Usually I post on Sundays, but after spending two and a half hours at the store switching phones and then a couple of hours trying to figure out things like voicemail, email, etc. I was mentally worn out.

And I was anxious.

My phone isn’t in the protective case like my last phone was.  They don’t make that case anymore so we had to go with a different brand and, of course, the store didn’t have them in stock so we had to order them.  I bought a cover (which I can return), but I didn’t buy the protective screen cover.   I should of bought it, but I can’t return it and I didn’t feel like paying $30 for something that I am going to use for only six days.

I’m afraid of dropping it and cracking the screen so I don’t use it a lot.  I wish the case would  come in so I don’t have to deal with the feelings I feel.  It’s weird because I can feel all of this fear in my shoulders and I usually don’t feel anxious.

Honestly, I don’t think the phone is the reason I feel the way I do.  I think worrying about dropping the phone (yes we do have insurance on them so it shouldn’t be a big deal) is just bringing feelings from past event(s) in my childhood that need to be dealt with to the surface.

While laying in bed last night I pictured slots in my shoulders opening and all of this fear rushing out.  I breathed in and out and let the fear naturally flow out of my shoulders until it was gone.  I was surprised that there was that much fear inside of me that needed to get out.  It felt good to get it out.  I felt lighter and slept great.

When I putting the dishes away this morning I remembered an event from my childhood.  I think was in 6th grade, but I don’t remember exactly.  My parents were cub scout leaders and we were all at the grade school gym for some reason.  I remember moving a sweatshirt off of a chair and something crashing on the floor.  It was an award that a cub scout won that evening.  I looked around and no one was paying attention so I put the broke award back in the sweatshirt.

I tried to talk to my mom about it several times throughout the evening, but there wasn’t a good moment where I could get her alone to tell her.  I felt horrible and wished I could have told her, but she was busy.  At the end of the night, the cub scout realized his award was broke and told my mom.  “Did you see who did this?  I can’t believe no one said anything.”  She was mad and by that time I had decided not to tell anyone.   “I didn’t see anything, Mom.”

Is the fear from this memory triggering the fear and anxiety that I’ve been feeling?  It could be.  Or this memory may not have anything to do with it at all.  It’s kinda hard to believe that old feelings like that are still hanging around inside of me.  I’ve been to counseling and have written in a journal to deal with stuff from my past.  I thought I had taken care of all of that stuff, but obviously not — some issue needed to be heard.

I think when we are menopausal we have to deal with all of the old crap that floats to the surface.  There isn’t anymore room for stuff like this in our bodies.  We can’t let it take up anymore room in our psyches.  We have to let all of this old stuff go to make room for the person we want to be.

I feel better now that I know what possibly triggered my anxiety and fear.  I still wish I had the case, but Saturday will come soon enough.  Until then I will give myself time to release my fear and move on.

It’s only a phone.