Why Do I Have All Of This Stuff?

Management is reorganizing the department I work in at the company I work for.  Last week I had clean out the cube I’ve been working in.  It wasn’t mine.  It was empty so I moved in.   That’s how I am at work.  Sometimes I don’t ask if I can do something.   I just do it.  If management doesn’t like what I’m doing they will ask me to stop.  If they don’t, I continue what I’m doing.  I’ve been in the cube for about six months. And now I have to move out.

It’s not that I had a lot to move, but until the department is reorganized I have to put my stuff on half of a desk or in my filing cabinet.   This is the littlest space I have had to put my stuff and it has made me ask one question.

Why do I have all of this stuff?

I have worked in several different departments in the twenty one years I have worked for this company so I have saved department notes, note from coworkers that are deceased or have left the company, misc. memos, paperwork I thought someone might need someday, pens (yes the company does provide them, but I like to bring my own from home.  I am a pen whore) and pencils, mouthwash, baby powder, aspirin, a 4 x 6 album of some of my wedding pictures, my Damn It Doll (I truly need this some days) and other miscellaneous things in this filing cabinet.  And candy.  I can’t forget the candy.

I need to clean it out.  Except the candy.  People like candy and are more willing to do things for you if you give them candy so I keep it on hand.

To me, right now, having all of that stuff means I plan on staying forever.  Maybe not forever, but I have 13 years til I retire.  I really don’t plan on staying there for the next 13 years, but that is totally another post.  I really don’t need all of that stuff.  I’ve been contemplating staying late one day next week and cleaning out my desk off of the clock.  Yes, off of the clock.  I want to be able to take the time I need to go thru my stuff and decide if I need it or not.  What would happen if I threw away paperwork from the other departments that I have worked in, but haven’t used in years?  I was never really in management so why should I keep all of the paperwork that I used to order material and other stuff in the past.    What if keeping all of that stuff is keeping me tied to a job I really don’t want to be at anymore?  Don’t get me wrong.  I work for a good company.  I have excellent coworkers.  I have a gravy job that allows my characters to talk to me and essay/blog/novel ideas to come to the surface while I work.  I just don’t agree with the management style and what things people get away with.  I try not to let this bother me, but it’s hard not to.    The more I write the more I know this is really want to do now and for my retirement.  I would love it if I could write til the day I die.

As I look at my job life, I have to think about all of the crap I have in my house.  For example, my utensil drawer in my kitchen.  It’s not huge, but there’s a lot of stuff crammed in it.  I thought I cleaned it out in April when I was packing up the kitchen before the house deal fell through, but I guess I didn’t clean it out good enough. I will have to go thru it again.  Thank God we are having a garage sale in April.

How do I really know what I really need?  This is something I need to get clear on.  What I have and why I am holding on to it.  Sometimes I’m afraid to give something away that someone gave me.  If they are deceased I wonder if they can see that I’m giving what they gave me away.  I know this is kinda silly, but sometimes I wonder.  Or would they be happy that I’m giving it away?  I wonder if keeping something is keeping me from something else?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Being sick these last couple of weeks has made me question a lot of areas in my life.   I’ve noticed a lot of areas in my house/life that are clogged with stuff and need to be cleaned out.  This isn’t even one of the posts I wrote when I was sick and or in Vegas.  I wrote it after I cleaned out my desk last week Monday.

Being sick really sucked, but I’m grateful, too, because it has made me think about things I haven’t thought of in awhile or if ever.  I know I need to change things in my life to get to where I want to go and this is what my blog posts will probably be about for the next couple of months.

Thanks for being with me on my journey.

 

 

 

Shit Happens

I did something really stupid today.  I’m embarrassed to tell my story, but everyone makes mistakes and nothing bad happened.  It could have been bad, but luckily for me someone upstairs was looking out for me.  I’m grateful for that today.

I’ve been sick all week with one of the viruses that have been going around.  I went to the doctor on Monday because the wheezing in my chest scared the crap out of me.  My doctor told me it was a virus and it would run it’s course.  Monday I called in sick to work.  My doctor said Tuesday I took a vacation day.  My chest was better but my nose wouldn’t stop running.  Yes, I was taking cold medicine, Mucinex, Delsym, rubbing myself in Vick’s and sucking on cough drops.  Wednesday I worked 10 hours and thought I was going to die.  I couldn’t breathe.  My face was all red from blowing my nose on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yesterday I called in sick.  I felt a little bit better, but I wanted to rest.  Normally I wouldn’t call or take vacation but my husband was home on and off all week and I didn’t want to him sick with this virus because he had all of his teeth pulled today.  If he was sick they wouldn’t pull his teeth and he really needed it done for health reasons.

Last night was the first night since Sat. night that I didn’t take any cold medicine.  I felt kinda off kilter because of all of the medicine I took, but I was confident that I could drive him home, grab his prescriptions and take care of him the rest of the day.  I would take a nap later on that afternoon.  I was fine until the called me in the recovery room and the nurse showed me how to fold the gauze and place it on his gums.  I almost puked when she took the old gauze out and showed it to me.  It was all bloody and gross.  She talked me thru all of the stuff I would have to do.  Pain meds, foods he could eat, antibiotics, and time intervals for changing the gauze.  The ice packs.  I can’t forget the ice packs.

After we were done I went to get the truck.  His truck.  The truck I don’t drive all of the time.  I know I’m making excuses, but hear me out.  As I’m driving up to the door all of the instructions are running around in my head and I see him sitting in a wheel chair.  I’m thinking I need to get out of the truck and go to passenger and get him settled in.  I get out of the truck and it starts rolling backward.  I screaming for someone to help me.  I’m looking at all of the cars I’m going to hit if this truck doesn’t stop.  I’m panicking.  I’m reaching over (no i didn’t think about jumping back in the truck on stepping on the brake) to grab the shifter.  I don’t know if I stopped the truck or if it was something my husband did, but somehow the truck stopped.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I felt it was.  I haven’t talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t said anything.  I don’t know if he even remembers.  I feel horrible that he had to get out of the wheel chair after getting all of teeth pulled to help his wife because she didn’t put the truck in park.  Obviously all of the cold meds I took during the week didn’t make me competent to drive.  It was the first time in my life that anything like that has happened.  I still feel like a dumb ass.  Maybe it was seeing the blood and knowing I had to replace the gauze every 15 minutes that got me in a funk.

No one got hurt.  My husband is doing fine.  I am fine.  I was a little shook up this morning.  I kept apologizing for being a dumb ass, but he knows how sick I was this week.  I didn’t damage the building, grass or anyone’s vehicle.  All is good.  The only damage I did do is to my pinkie finger.  It must have got caught it  in between the shifter and the steering wheel or something as I tried to get the shifter into park because it is black and blue and hurts like hell.  And now that I think about it I need to give myself some credit.  At least I ran after it instead of standing there and watching it crash into the building or some cars.  This makes me feel a little bit better.

Shit happens.  It’s called being human.  I have to learn from the incident and move on.  It was a fluke thing.  I was sick.  And I need to forgive myself and call it a day.

If only it were that easy.  I still think I’m a dumb ass and probably always will. I can’t believe I did something that stupid and irresponsible.  I know better than that.

That’s my story.

 

 

 

 

2018 The Year Of Me

I’ve been thinking about my goals for 2018.  The list below is what I came up with.

To listen to my inner nudges/intuition more than I do now.  I’m not very good at this.  Listening to myself wasn’t encouraged when I was growing up.  I would like to be more in touch with part of myself.

To be kinder to myself.  I am my own worst critic.  I would like to be my biggest supporter.

To heal my inner child and my soul so I can be the person I was meant to be.

To deal with my menopausal anger and see what issues come up from the past that I need to deal with and heal.

To be a good steward of my talents.  I don’t really think I’m doing this right now.  I’m not sure what my talents really are.  I’m not really a church person, but I do believe in a higher power and I believe we are all given talents the help us evolve on our spiritual path.  I want to give myself the time and space to explore what my talents might be.

To find what makes me happy job wise.  I like my job and I like the people I work with, but I don’t feel I can express who I really am at my job or figure out what my talents really are.  I make good money, but working 10 hours a day doing something that doesn’t fulfill my soul doesn’t work for me anymore.  I would like to find my purpose and make a living at that.  I realize that may be take longer than 2018, but at least I can start thinking about it and possibly make little changes.

To learn more about the stuff that interests me.  Past lives, Kundalini and chakras, intuition, organizing stuff and dragons.  These things have always interested me, but I’ve never explored any of them fully.  I have just been learning about the healing energy of dragons, which really fascinates me, but that’s another post.

To take two hours every Sunday (now that football is over.  Well, it’s over for me.  Pittsburgh lost today) and learn how to cook.  I suck at cooking.  I’ve never taken the time to learn.  I would like to learn how to cook healthy meals that I can freeze. I need to definitely learn how to cook/eat healthier, greener meals.

To use the Simply Fit Board that my husband bought me for Christmas.  This was an item on my Christmas list, but I haven’t used it yet.  I have to figure out the DVD player to use it and I haven’t yet.  I don’t understand why I just can’t just push play anymore and something works.  I should just be able to use one remote, push play and be done.

To write an hour a day, find a writer’s group, and find out who I am as a writer.

To be more understanding/tolerant of others and their situations.  We are all walking on this earth, but we are not all on the same spiritual path.  We are all fighting out own battles.  I need to be more kinder in certain situations instead of passing judgement on things that I may know nothing about — even if I think I do.

I know this is kind of an odd list.  It surprised me, too.  It’s not what I set out to write, but it’s what I want to do so I’m going to give it a shot.

Here’s to us all reaching our 2018 goals!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Brother’s Anger

My brother  and my brother in law (my sister’s husband) are fighting.  It’s over a truck axle and a loss of $800 for my brother.  It happened over four years ago.  I don’t know the exact details, but I do know how it has negatively affected our family.  I know my brother in law would talk to my brother face to face about it, but my brother will not.  After four years he is still angry.  I mean angry and this anger rules his life.

How sad.

If it were a non family member that my brother was angry with I wouldn’t have thought twice about the anger in his life, but since it is my brother in law and I have to deal with my brother’s anger, I’ve thought a lot about it since Thanksgiving.  My brother’s anger runs so deep that he’s pushing people away.  He puts a damper on the holidays because he feels he is right and everyone else is wrong.  He complains about being alone on holidays, but he chooses not to come to family gatherings because my brother in law will be there.  He is invited.  He chooses not to go.   He isn’t honest about why he doesn’t go.  He won’t admit to people that he’s been angry for the last four years and won’t let it go.

That’s just it.  He won’t let it go.  He won’t even acknowledge that my brother in law is in the room except for when he says a hurtful comment.  He could bury the hatchet.  He could call my brother in law and ask if they could talk.  He won’t admit that he might be  wrong or in any part had anything to do with what happened.  It’s all my brother in law’s fault.  My brother speaks poorly of my sister and her family.  Four years later.  He also blames my sister.  He thinks that she should have stepped in and done something in his defense.  The funny thing is is that he hasn’t stepped up to the plate and done anything to fix things except hold onto his anger for four years.

How long does a person have a right to hold on his or her anger?  I think it’s ridiculous that it has gone on this long.  That said, my brother has always operated from a place of anger.  I’m not like that.  I refuse to be like that.  I can’t stay angry at anyone long.  I believe in communication.  I believe in talking through problems. My brother is so consumed by his anger that he doesn’t see there is another way.  Love.  Peace.  I think since my brother has held onto his anger for so long it really isn’t my brother in law’s fault anymore.  It’s my brother’s.  My brother’s anger is the issue now.  Not what happened between them.

My brother thinks he is right.  It’s his right to think this.  This is his perspective.  What I don’t think he realizes is that being right has a cost.  He has lost four Christmas Eve’s with his family because he would rather sit home alone and dwell on his anger and how he was wronged than spend time with his family.  On other holidays when we are at my mom’s (she lives with him, but that’s another post) he says hurtful comments because he is angry.   Those angry words, even though he thinks he has a right to say them, can’t be taken back.  Sure, he can apologize for them, but at the end of the day the hurt behind the words will always be there.  Always remembered.  He’s missing out on having a relationship with me, my sister and my brother because he pushes us away with his anger.  I don’t think he realizes it.  I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t listen.  He’s right.  Everyone else is wrong.  End of story.  What a sad way to live.  I wish I could get inside his head and understand why he thinks the way he does.  I try to talk to him.  I get snide comments.  I invite him to come to our trailer, but he won’t because my sister and brother in law might be there.  His anger has closed him off from so many things and so many people.  I don’t know what to do help him so I just stay away.  I visit my mom when he’s not there.  I don’t know what else to do.

This issue has made me look at my own anger.  Right away I think of the house we lost and the $675.00 we lost.  Yes, I was angry, but my anger has died down.  After thinking about how my brother holds onto his anger I decided that I can’t hold onto the any anger I have about losing the house.  I think if they wanted to sit and talk about what happened I would talk to them.  I’m not sure my husband would.   For me, I have to let that anger go.  It happened over six months ago and I can’t hold onto that anger anymore.  I wish it would have turned out differently, but it didn’t and I have to accept that.  Holding onto that anger isn’t going to do anything positive for me.  It’s going to hold me back.  I don’t want to be held back.  I want to move forward.  I want to live.

My brother is over weight (over three hundred pounds and 6 feet tall) and has high blood pressure.  Now I understand why.  I can only imagine how holding in all of that anger and all of the other negative emotions puts strain on his heart and other organs.  It’s sad that he’s too caught up in his anger to see this.  Holding onto that anger is affecting his health in more ways than he realizes.  I’m afraid his anger is going to kill him.

I do realize that people get angry.  Hell, I get angry and I get angry faster and more often than ever.  Because I don’t really get mad that often, I didn’t know how to deal with anger I felt and how quickly my temper flared.  I felt I had to deal with my anger issues after an episode at the campground where I couldn’t get the anti-gravity chair to open and I almost threw it much the amazement of my husband, my brother, and my husband’s brother and his wife.  I was surprised of how quickly I could get angry.  I loose my patience quickly and snap easily.  I didn’t like the anger I felt and I knew I had to find a positive way to deal with it.  Luckily through my work I get five free counseling sessions a year through EAP (Employee Assistance Program).  I did go see a counselor.  She helped me learn that we all have trigger points and what to do when we get to these points and how to stay away from our trigger points.

It’s almost 2018.  Don’t you think that my brother would want to start the year fresh and not carry over any resentment into 2018?  I doubt if he sees it this way.  I don’t see why we just can’t all get along.  I know this is easier said than done.  I know some people aren’t easy to get along with, but I think those people just need more love in their lives.  In my brother’s case he just pushes it away, but I do things to show him I love him anyway.  He gets mad and makes crude comments, but I show him anyway.  I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I guess I stay away because I never know what mood he is in and what is going to come out of his mouth.  Maybe I’m closed off.

I just wish he would let go of his anger so we could be a family again.  This would be a wonderful gift to give my mom.  To have all of her children laughing, talking and enjoying each others company in the same room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I Ask For Your Help I Need You To Help Me

Before I left for work on Friday I told my husband I needed his help and asked him to fold the towels and put the lights on the Christmas tree and decorate it (it’s a small tree).  I didn’t think I was asking too much.  He took my step daughter to get her wisdom teeth pulled that morning so they would be at the our house all day while she recovered.  I thought decorating the tree (even if she laid on the couch and told him where to put each ornament) together would be a bonding time for them.  With my husband being on the road and my step daughter working most weekends, they don’t get to spend a lot of time together.  I thought they could laugh and talk about the hand made ornaments as they decorated.

Silly me.  Why I thought the tree would be decorated or even the lights be on the tree when I arrived home is beyond me.  I should have known it wouldn’t be.  The towels for folded and the laundry from the washer was in the dryer.  He does get credit for that.  You know why he didn’t put up the lights?  Because I brought the outside bin of lights upstairs.  I thought they were in that bin.  Shoot me.  I have all of the Christmas bins in one spot in the basement.  Did he go look?  No.  Did he call or text me when I was on break or lunch to ask where the lights were?  No.  Did he improvise and put the garage lights on the tree? (They are indoor/outdoor lights)  No.  Did he offer to help me look in the basement when I got home?  No.  Did he stay up to help me put the lights on the tree when I got home?  No.  I did end up using the garage lights because I couldn’t find the other ones.  When I got home at 10:30 I did the dishes, finished his laundry and did a load of my pinks, and put the lights on the tree.  I went to bed at 1:30 a.m.  He went to bed at midnight after the movie he was watching was over.

And to top it off, he tells me yesterday that  his truck is ready to be picked up at the repair shop and that I should take my brother to go pick it up.  What?  Are you serious?  You can’t help me with the Christmas tree, but I’m suppose to help you.  I calmly told him that I would be busy decorating the tree and that I wouldn’t have time.  What does he expect?  I’m suppose to help him, but he doesn’t have help to me.  Bullshit.  He called his sister to help him.

And now he was one pissed off wife to deal with.

Look, I’m really not trying to bash my husband.   He really is good to me.  I love him and am happily married….Until moments like this where he takes me for granted and doesn’t value me or my time and I get pissed.  I asked him for help because I really needed help because I am working 55 hours a week and it’s Christmas.  I have a lot of things on my plate and the thing that grinds me is that he knows this and he still couldn’t do the tree.  The thing is is that everything that he needed was in the living room. I normally don’t ask for help.  Being a truckers wife you get used to doing things by yourself, but when I ask him for help I need help. He better help.  He should help.  He needs to help.

I need your help today.  No.  I’m not joking.  What do those words mean?  Before menopause I wouldn’t have asked for help.  I just would have done it myself.  But now?  Now is a different story.  It seems the deeper I get into menopause the more aware I become of my needs and how they sometimes aren’t met.  I know that’s my fault because I didn’t express them before, but I’m expressing them now and sometimes it’s not a pretty site.  I want to write.  I want/need time to be creative.  What I realized since Friday is that I need him to help me more around the house so I have more time to be creative.  I’m not asking him to cook me a 10 course meal when he’s home, but a little more help would be nice.  For example, when you take the last roll toilet paper from the cabinet walk downstairs, grab a pack and fill up the cabinet instead of leaving me without toilet paper when I need it the most or when the blue bag garbage can under the kitchen sink is full, put in a new bag (the blue bags are right next to the garbage can) and take the bag out to the garage instead of leaving the recyclables on the counter because the bag is full or when he sees the carpet needs to vacuumed for whatever reason just vacuum it instead of telling me it needs to be vacuumed.  I don’t think it’s asking too much.  Is it??!!

I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I’m not the maid either.  In the past I didn’t say anything because deep down I was afraid that he would leave if I spoke up (that was my own insecurities talking).  Now, I don’t care.  I say what I feel (respectfully, not hurtful) and if he doesn’t like it tough crap.  I’m fully capable of making it on my own.  If standing up for myself and what I need and want is being a bitch then I am a bitch.   I just can’t keep quiet anymore.

It’s Sunday and the tree still isn’t decorated.  I bought new ornaments for the tree, but haven’t put them on yet.  I’m debating.  I would love to put the tree back in the box and put it in the basement, but for some reason I feel my inner child wants/needs the tree up and decorated.   For the last couple of years I haven’t put up a tree, but this year I actually wanted to put up a tree.  My husband asked me if I fell and hit my head.  After I post this I will go and put the ornaments on the tree.  And finish wrapping presents.

What I learned from this is that I want my thoughts, feelings and time to be validated and appreciated.  These things are important to me.  He needs to understand that I have other things to do than to cater to his needs and wants.  I want to cater to my own.  Our relationship is changing.  It’s scary, but I think it’s good because I’m allowing more of myself to the surface.  I’m allowing me to be me.   Finally.

Navigating through these menopausal waters is hard as hell sometimes.

 

 

 

 

I Matter

I matter

My hopes matter

My dreams matter

What I like and don’t like matters

My thoughts matter

My feelings matter

Who I am matters

Who I long to be matters

Who I love matters

What I long to do matters

What I love to do matters

My goals matter

My intuition matters

My job matters

My life matters

All of me matters – inside and out

 

All women matter

 

 

 

Today Sucks

 

I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo.  I’m still working on the first draft of my  novel, but not at 1,700 words a day.  I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.

I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult.  We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money.  I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected.  The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away.  It was a hard decision.  I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out.  I’m bummed out today because of it.

I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost.  I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump.  I’ll take the rest next week.  I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest.  It just sucks.  We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.

I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t.  I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either.  I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working.  I’m at a good place in my life.  My marriage is great.  I have a good job and great coworkers.  I’m beginning to get to know the real me.  The Menopause me.  I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.

I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.  I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too.   We really wanted this work.  I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings.  I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement.  Maybe if I get rid of the old……

Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football.  I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here.  That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.

I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now.  My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out.  I’m not so sure.  I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever.  I want out my cousins house and to get into my house.  I don’t want to live here anymore.

Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now.  Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

All I know right now is today sucks.