self help, inspiration – Page 3

My Brother’s Anger

My brother and my brother in law (my sister’s husband) are fighting. It’s over a truck axle and a loss of $800 for my brother. It happened over four years ago. I don’t know the exact details, but I do know how it has negatively affected our family. I know my brother in law would talk to my brother face to face about it, but my brother will not. After four years he is still angry. I mean angry and this anger rules his life.

How sad.

If it were a non family member that my brother was angry with I wouldn’t have thought twice about the anger in his life, but since it is my brother in law and I have to deal with my brother’s anger, I’ve thought a lot about it since Thanksgiving. My brother’s anger runs so deep that he’s pushing people away. He puts a damper on the holidays because he feels he is right and everyone else is wrong. He complains about being alone on holidays, but he chooses not to come to family gatherings because my brother in law will be there. He is invited. He chooses not to go. He isn’t honest about why he doesn’t go. He won’t admit to people that he’s been angry for the last four years and won’t let it go.

That’s just it. He won’t let it go. He won’t even acknowledge that my brother in law is in the room except for when he says a hurtful comment. He could bury the hatchet. He could call my brother in law and ask if they could talk. He won’t admit that he might be wrong or in any part had anything to do with what happened. It’s all my brother in law’s fault. My brother speaks poorly of my sister and her family. Four years later. He also blames my sister. He thinks that she should have stepped in and done something in his defense. The funny thing is is that he hasn’t stepped up to the plate and done anything to fix things except hold onto his anger for four years.

How long does a person have a right to hold on his or her anger? I think it’s ridiculous that it has gone on this long. That said, my brother has always operated from a place of anger. I’m not like that. I refuse to be like that. I can’t stay angry at anyone long. I believe in communication. I believe in talking through problems. My brother is so consumed by his anger that he doesn’t see there is another way. Love. Peace. I think since my brother has held onto his anger for so long it really isn’t my brother in law’s fault anymore. It’s my brother’s. My brother’s anger is the issue now. Not what happened between them.

My brother thinks he is right. It’s his right to think this. This is his perspective. What I don’t think he realizes is that being right has a cost. He has lost four Christmas Eve’s with his family because he would rather sit home alone and dwell on his anger and how he was wronged than spend time with his family. On other holidays when we are at my mom’s (she lives with him, but that’s another post) he says hurtful comments because he is angry. Those angry words, even though he thinks he has a right to say them, can’t be taken back. Sure, he can apologize for them, but at the end of the day the hurt behind the words will always be there. Always remembered. He’s missing out on having a relationship with me, my sister and my brother because he pushes us away with his anger. I don’t think he realizes it. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t listen. He’s right. Everyone else is wrong. End of story. What a sad way to live. I wish I could get inside his head and understand why he thinks the way he does. I try to talk to him. I get snide comments. I invite him to come to our trailer, but he won’t because my sister and brother in law might be there. His anger has closed him off from so many things and so many people. I don’t know what to do help him so I just stay away. I visit my mom when he’s not there. I don’t know what else to do.

This issue has made me look at my own anger. Right away I think of the house we lost and the $675.00 we lost. Yes, I was angry, but my anger has died down. After thinking about how my brother holds onto his anger I decided that I can’t hold onto the any anger I have about losing the house. I think if they wanted to sit and talk about what happened I would talk to them. I’m not sure my husband would. For me, I have to let that anger go. It happened over six months ago and I can’t hold onto that anger anymore. I wish it would have turned out differently, but it didn’t and I have to accept that. Holding onto that anger isn’t going to do anything positive for me. It’s going to hold me back. I don’t want to be held back. I want to move forward. I want to live.

My brother is over weight (over three hundred pounds and 6 feet tall) and has high blood pressure. Now I understand why. I can only imagine how holding in all of that anger and all of the other negative emotions puts strain on his heart and other organs. It’s sad that he’s too caught up in his anger to see this. Holding onto that anger is affecting his health in more ways than he realizes. I’m afraid his anger is going to kill him.

I do realize that people get angry. Hell, I get angry and I get angry faster and more often than ever. Because I don’t really get mad that often, I didn’t know how to deal with anger I felt and how quickly my temper flared. I felt I had to deal with my anger issues after an episode at the campground where I couldn’t get the anti-gravity chair to open and I almost threw it much the amazement of my husband, my brother, and my husband’s brother and his wife. I was surprised of how quickly I could get angry. I loose my patience quickly and snap easily. I didn’t like the anger I felt and I knew I had to find a positive way to deal with it. Luckily through my work I get five free counseling sessions a year through EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I did go see a counselor. She helped me learn that we all have trigger points and what to do when we get to these points and how to stay away from our trigger points.

It’s almost 2018. Don’t you think that my brother would want to start the year fresh and not carry over any resentment into 2018? I doubt if he sees it this way. I don’t see why we just can’t all get along. I know this is easier said than done. I know some people aren’t easy to get along with, but I think those people just need more love in their lives. In my brother’s case he just pushes it away, but I do things to show him I love him anyway. He gets mad and makes crude comments, but I show him anyway. I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I guess I stay away because I never know what mood he is in and what is going to come out of his mouth. Maybe I’m closed off.

I just wish he would let go of his anger so we could be a family again. This would be a wonderful gift to give my mom. To have all of her children laughing, talking and enjoying each others company in the same room.

If I Ask For Your Help I Need You To Help Me

Before I left for work on Friday I told my husband I needed his help and asked him to fold the towels and put the lights on the Christmas tree and decorate it (it’s a small tree). I didn’t think I was asking too much. He took my step daughter to get her wisdom teeth pulled that morning so they would be at the our house all day while she recovered. I thought decorating the tree (even if she laid on the couch and told him where to put each ornament) together would be a bonding time for them. With my husband being on the road and my step daughter working most weekends, they don’t get to spend a lot of time together. I thought they could laugh and talk about the hand made ornaments as they decorated.

Silly me. Why I thought the tree would be decorated or even the lights be on the tree when I arrived home is beyond me. I should have known it wouldn’t be. The towels for folded and the laundry from the washer was in the dryer. He does get credit for that. You know why he didn’t put up the lights? Because I brought the outside bin of lights upstairs. I thought they were in that bin. Shoot me. I have all of the Christmas bins in one spot in the basement. Did he go look? No. Did he call or text me when I was on break or lunch to ask where the lights were? No. Did he improvise and put the garage lights on the tree? (They are indoor/outdoor lights) No. Did he offer to help me look in the basement when I got home? No. Did he stay up to help me put the lights on the tree when I got home? No. I did end up using the garage lights because I couldn’t find the other ones. When I got home at 10:30 I did the dishes, finished his laundry and did a load of my pinks, and put the lights on the tree. I went to bed at 1:30 a.m. He went to bed at midnight after the movie he was watching was over.

And to top it off, he tells me yesterday that his truck is ready to be picked up at the repair shop and that I should take my brother to go pick it up. What? Are you serious? You can’t help me with the Christmas tree, but I’m suppose to help you. I calmly told him that I would be busy decorating the tree and that I wouldn’t have time. What does he expect? I’m suppose to help him, but he doesn’t have help to me. Bullshit. He called his sister to help him.

And now he was one pissed off wife to deal with.

Look, I’m really not trying to bash my husband. He really is good to me. I love him and am happily married….Until moments like this where he takes me for granted and doesn’t value me or my time and I get pissed. I asked him for help because I really needed help because I am working 55 hours a week and it’s Christmas. I have a lot of things on my plate and the thing that grinds me is that he knows this and he still couldn’t do the tree. The thing is is that everything that he needed was in the living room. I normally don’t ask for help. Being a truckers wife you get used to doing things by yourself, but when I ask him for help I need help. He better help. He should help. He needs to help.

I need your help today. No. I’m not joking. What do those words mean? Before menopause I wouldn’t have asked for help. I just would have done it myself. But now? Now is a different story. It seems the deeper I get into menopause the more aware I become of my needs and how they sometimes aren’t met. I know that’s my fault because I didn’t express them before, but I’m expressing them now and sometimes it’s not a pretty site. I want to write. I want/need time to be creative. What I realized since Friday is that I need him to help me more around the house so I have more time to be creative. I’m not asking him to cook me a 10 course meal when he’s home, but a little more help would be nice. For example, when you take the last roll toilet paper from the cabinet walk downstairs, grab a pack and fill up the cabinet instead of leaving me without toilet paper when I need it the most or when the blue bag garbage can under the kitchen sink is full, put in a new bag (the blue bags are right next to the garbage can) and take the bag out to the garage instead of leaving the recyclables on the counter because the bag is full or when he sees the carpet needs to vacuumed for whatever reason just vacuum it instead of telling me it needs to be vacuumed. I don’t think it’s asking too much. Is it??!!

I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I’m not the maid either. In the past I didn’t say anything because deep down I was afraid that he would leave if I spoke up (that was my own insecurities talking). Now, I don’t care. I say what I feel (respectfully, not hurtful) and if he doesn’t like it tough crap. I’m fully capable of making it on my own. If standing up for myself and what I need and want is being a bitch then I am a bitch. I just can’t keep quiet anymore.

It’s Sunday and the tree still isn’t decorated. I bought new ornaments for the tree, but haven’t put them on yet. I’m debating. I would love to put the tree back in the box and put it in the basement, but for some reason I feel my inner child wants/needs the tree up and decorated. For the last couple of years I haven’t put up a tree, but this year I actually wanted to put up a tree. My husband asked me if I fell and hit my head. After I post this I will go and put the ornaments on the tree. And finish wrapping presents.

What I learned from this is that I want my thoughts, feelings and time to be validated and appreciated. These things are important to me. He needs to understand that I have other things to do than to cater to his needs and wants. I want to cater to my own. Our relationship is changing. It’s scary, but I think it’s good because I’m allowing more of myself to the surface. I’m allowing me to be me. Finally.

Navigating through these menopausal waters is hard as hell sometimes.

I Matter

I matter

My hopes matter

My dreams matter

What I like and don’t like matters

My thoughts matter

My feelings matter

Who I am matters

Who I long to be matters

Who I love matters

What I long to do matters

What I love to do matters

My goals matter

My intuition matters

My job matters

My life matters

All of me matters – inside and out

All women matter

I Love Sending Christmas Cards

I don’t know why, but I love to sending Christmas cards. Some people call me crazy. Some people think I am too in depth. Some people think I spend too much time and or money. I don’t care. I love to do it!

I am very picky about the Christmas cards I send. I don’t send cheap cards. The cards I send have to have a nice picture on the front and a meaningful saying on the inside. The cards I send hold a special meaning to me and I hope they mean something special to the receiver. I am sending a part of myself and what I believe and what I hold deep in my heart. I want them to be special.

I usually buy special pens to write on the inside with. Sometimes I buy silver and gold pens and sometimes I buy red and green pens. They can’t be any pen. They have to feel nice in my hand and they have to write nice. This year I didn’t like the silver and gold pens I bought so I used red and green pens I had at home instead. I usually write the name of the person(s) in red, then I write Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in green and then I write love, steve and chrissy in red or vice versa. Sometimes I do write special messages inside, but usually I don’t.

I usually address the front of the card with regular black or blue ink, but in the middle of the back of the envelope I stamp a saying or picture. This year I stamped a snowman holding up its arms and above his arms is a heart. To me it looks like the snowman is giving the heart to the person who opens the envelope.

I love sending cards because I think it sets a good tone to the start of the Christmas season. To me sending cards is sending love. I’m letting the person know I am thinking of them this holiday season and that I love them.

I wrote out 29 cards today and I am not finished. I send special cards to my mom, sister and her family and my brother and my other brother and his girlfriend. I always give the mail man a card with $20 dollars in it. I’m sending out more cards this year than I normally would because I think with all of tragedies that happened this year the world needs more love, more happy moments, more smiles, more giving and more caring.

Today I’m sending you, my beloved readers, virtual hugs, love and warm holidays wishes for a very happy holiday season. Thanks so much for reading my blog, your comments, for sharing your stories with me and for helping me grow and become a better person and writer. Your support means more than you know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Love, Chrissy

Girl On Fire

What I loved most about this years Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is Angelica Hale from America’s Got Talent singing “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keyes. 9 years old and kicking butt!

I love the parade. It always inspires me because almost everyone in the parade is living their dreams. The musicians and dancers. The actors and actresses. The screenwriters and playwrights.

If they are living their dreams why can’t I live mine?

I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Why can’t I? I think that part of my problem is that I don’t have a specific goal. I know I want to be an author but I don’t have any specific goals. I want to get my essays and short stories published and I would love to write the final draft of my romance novel, but I don’t have any specific goals. Goals that I write down on paper and achieve. Goals that I work toward every time I sit down to write. I don’t know why I don’t write down my goals. I have goals in my head. Floating around in my head. Sometimes they are close. Sometimes they are far away.

I need to get my office (my half of our office) in order. I have a stack of papers for my blog on one side of my desk. Old blog posts that I have typed and need to file. Partially written blog posts that I need to file or finish. Magazine articles and other stuff I find interesting to possibly write about in future blog posts. I keep piling stuff on the pile and not dealing with it. On the other side I have notes, a notebook and two folders for my first draft for NaNoWriMo. (I wrote a couple of scenes over the past week). I would like to have a clean desk.

I think I have a lot of stuff that I don’t need on my bookshelf. Notebooks and notepads. I love notebooks. I usually write the 1st draft of my posts in a notebook of some kind. College ruled. Spiral works best for me and preferably with a pocket. I have a notebook in my office, in the living room, in my truck and in my locker at work. The goal for my bookshelf is to have all of my writing projects on the shelves so I can easily see and access them. If I write notes for a project I can easily file the notes or grab it and work on it.

I realized this weekend that I don’t have any rhyme or reason to my desk. It holds my computer, keyboard, mouse and piles of paper. Because my desk is a mess I have no idea where I am with my writing projects. My goal for my desk is that I would love to be able to walk into my office and start working instead of looking at it and mumbling “WTF!”

What is in my head and what is in my office are far apart. I’ve been putting off dealing with my office issues because I was hoping we were moving and I would have my own office. That didn’t happen so I need put my big girl pants on and deal with what I have. A very disorganized writing life….and then I wonder why I don’t accomplish anything.

I want my office to have only what I need in it and not what I think I might use some day. I get distracted by my stuff. I have a lot of “things” in my office instead of a lot of writing. This definitely needs to change. I want to have a place for everything in my office and everything in it’s place.

Right now this girl is definitely not on fire, but I would like to be. I think I’m going to use “Girl on Fire” as my 2018 mantra. I want to be able to describe and/or think of myself as a girl on fire. Moving toward her goals and not letting anyone stop her. I’m going to put this on my bulletin board (which only has a picture of snoopy hugging woodstock on it. I know. Sad. It could be used for so much more) and look at it every day.

A girl on fire who writes everyday. That’s me.

What is your mantra for 2018?

QP Hey Ladies I Have A Secret

Warning: If you don’t like to read about menopause, making love or woman’s anatomy then this post isn’t for you. Please don’t read any further.

Normally I wouldn’t write about my sex life or my anatomy, but if it can help other women get their groove back sexually then I feel I have to share my story.

Many of you know that after menopause making love just isn’t the same. In my world I felt that my head didn’t communicate with vagina anymore. I used to be wet and ready in a heartbeat. Now it takes a day and half and lube. Making love used to be wonderful. Now it hurts. I used to be twenty pounds lighter. Now I feel like a fat, unsexy old woman. Making love used to be fun. Now it’s work.

While at the Barrett Jackson car show in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago I saw a Purlife booth. Purlife bracelets use a combination of natural elements that releases negative ions to help balance your body (this is taken straight from the brochure). Anyway, the bracelet is something my husband’s friend swears by. My husband and I have always wanted to try wearing the baracelet so we each each bought one.

I wore mine for about a week and a half when I started to feel wet in my vagina area. I was amazed because this hasn’t happened to me a long, long time. It was like my head was speaking to my vagina again. A week later I was feeling horny and actually wanted to make love. I felt kinda like I did before menopause kicked in. I felt like a sexual human being. I was dreaming about making love and wanting to experiment with new positions. I really wasn’t that conscious about my weight because my husband loves me the way I am. I’m still fat, but I’m not concentrating on how fat I feel.

Honestly, I don’t know if it was the bracelet or not. I’m thinking it was. I don’t know what else it could be. I’m not saying it will work for you, but it might. It’s pricey, but it’s almost Christmas and I think it’s worth every penny.

I got my groove back and I’m thrilled.

So is my husband.

P.S. the QP I wrote before the title means Quick Post. I think if I like something or if something works for me I’m going to write a quick post about it and share it with you all. I’ll mark these posts with QP in the title.

Week 1 NaNoWriMo Things Learned

821 words typed on Wed. 1,968 Thurs. 1,727 Fri. 0 Sat. I wrote a couple of scenes in long hand but didn’t type anything. 979 Sun. 1,152 Mon. 933 Tues.

7,580 Total for the week.

My goal for the week was 11,900 words.

I’m 4,320 words short. Sure, I would have liked to hit my goal. I didn’t, but l’ll share what I learned with you.

I’m still a super star even though I fell short of my goal. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’m proud of myself for starting and getting as far as I did. I think that’s the most words I’ve ever written in a single week.

2. I’ve haven’t been able to write in the morning. I write when I get home. Originally I wanted to write in the morning, but that hasn’t worked. For some scary reason I look forward to writing when I get home. What sucks is that my work probably suffers because I’m thinking about my characters and writing notes. I’ve been taking the first ten minutes of my lunch break and my last break to start writing the scene I want to continue on later on that night. I’ve been so engrossed in my writing on my last ten minute break that I’ve been late coming back from break. Whoops! How am I suppose to return to work when my characters are still talking to me??????

3. This morning (actually yesterday morning…don’t ask) I’m writing this post long hand while I’m waiting to get my oil changed (stealing bits of time). I’m finding it difficult to write my post and write my 1,700 words, but I keep plunging forward. Even if I write some of my words in longhand and don’t get to type it, I’m still counting that as writing. I just didn’t get to type it so it doesn’t get added in to my typed total for the day.

4. I’m stuck. I could have wrote more words last night but I don’t know what direction I want to go in so I have to read through my notes and figure out my direction. I’ve been writing notes and partial scenes for the last year and sticking them in a file folder so my direction is somewhere in the file. I just (I love the word just. I know it probably has no meaning and it may irritate some of you, but I always use it. I know it’s one habit I need to kick) have to find it.

5. I have a haircut appointment tomorrow, a acupuncture appointment on Friday and I’m going shopping with my mom, sister and niece for the weekend. Also, we are on 10 hours mandatory overtime starting today. F*ck! (Sorry) My word count might suck for this week, but I will do my best.

6. I’ve decided it’s not about the word count for me. It’s about the experience. It’s about learning things about myself and my characters. It’s about pushing me out of my comfort zone and expanding my horizons. It’s about making time to do what I love. It’s about being gentle with myself instead of being a slave driver. If it takes me til Dec. 15th to get to 50,000 words then it does and that’s ok.

7. If I haven’t read or commented on your blog I’m sorry. Time is an issue right now. I try to read and comment when I can. I just didn’t want anyone to think I forgot about them. I’ll try to get back on schedule soon.

8. I’m not having a hard time writing my 1,700 words. It’s more of a time issue. What I’m having an issue with is what to do with all of the ideas for other projects or blog posts that interrupt me while I’m writing my word count. As I have mentioned before this has always been an issue for me and I have stopped writing because I didn’t know how to deal with the overflow of ideas coming to me. I’m trying to work through this, but it’s still hard. What I have been doing is jotting down notes and putting them in a file folder (I love file folders! I don’t buy cheap or plain. They have to have a cute design. I’m a little anal when it comes to my file folders) so after NaNoWriMo is over I have a starting point.

8. I know this post is not probably going to come out in total paragraph form because of the numbers. It didn’t. I realized today that there is a preview button at the top of my page. I never knew that little guy was up there. There’s always something new to learn. Yes, my page is screwed up. Sorry about that. Don’t have time to fix it right now. I have to shower and go to my haircut appointment. Crap, I still need to dry my jeans. Gotta run.

9. One more thing…doing this NaNoWriMo is fun. I don’t have to worry about spelling, punctuation, sentence structure or paragraphing. It’s great!

Thanks for reading and enjoy your day!!

Mental Talk

Did I take my morning medication? Maybe I should stop writing and go to the grocery store I wonder what the temp is outside Is it still raining? Maybe I should go look.

No! I tell myself. Stay in your chair. Keep writing. You only have 1,200 more words to go. I sigh and continue writing.

We should really cut the grass at the trailer today and rake the leaves. Maybe I should call Steve if he wants to go. I wonder what laundry needs to be done. Did the mail come yet? Maybe I should go look

Keep writing. Keep going. You only have 700 more words to write. Ok. Ok. I’ll continue.

Did I pay the Citi Card bill? I’m hungry. Maybe I should make something to eat. I wonder how my brother’s MRI went. I wonder if my mom is home. Maybe I should call her. I’m sick of overtime. Maybe I should take a day a vacation this week to write.

Finally I’m done. 1,700 words. It’s about time. I didn’t think I could do it today.

I’m exhausted. It’s hard to write and talk yourself into staying in your chair. Sometimes I feel like a five year old in kindergarten who only likes recess.

NaNoWriMo Update

I decided I’m going to do NaNoWriMO!!

I’ve been going back and forth for the last couple of weeks whether to attempt NaNoWriMo or not because I have so many unfinished writing projects. I decided what the heck? I might as well go for it. What’s another unfinished writing project?

I know there will be some days or many that I won’t be able to write 3,000 words, but at least I can try. I can’t wait to see what I come up with at the end of the month. Will my original idea stay on track and with the ending I’ve written notes about or will it veer off into a totally different direction? I hope to stay on track. Over the last couple of months I’ve written notes on almost every chapter so I can’t really see myself veering off track, but as we all know anything is possible.

I’m interested to see how my brain works over the course of 30 days. The closer the deadline comes the more I ask myself what if something comes up, when will I time if we continue to be on ten hours of overtime, what if, what if, what if? Then later on, when I’m calm, I feel confident and know that I can do this.

I can’t wait to get my characters out of my head, on paper and let them live! These characters have been running around in my head for the last couple of months and they need to leave. I’m hoping to write my 3,000 words in the morning before work and then to let my ideas simmer in my head until my last break pr when I get home and I can write an outline of what I want to write the next day.

The main character of my novel is a greedy, arrogant man who lives in a world where money and prestige are the only things that matter. He’s not married and comes home to an empty house every night. The only people he is close to is his housekeeper, his butler and his secretary. He doesn’t have time for his only sister and brother in law or niece or nephew because he needs to make money so he can keep up his status. Of course, his world falls down around him and he realizes he doesn’t know who his sister is. He doesn’t know her favorite color or food to eat. He isn’t comfortable with admitting his sister isn’t as rich as he is nor does she have the status he has. Over the course of the novel he comes to realize that money isn’t everything and you can’t do anything with it after you are dead!

That’s all I’m giving away for now. I’m thinking about posting the opening scene/first chapter to see what your opinion is, but we’ll see about that. I hate the fact that I feel the scene in my head is so great and then when I get it on paper I don’t feel the same way. Sometimes not even close. Do you feel this way too? I wonder why that is.

I’m going to go read through the rest of my notes before I go to bed and try to get them in some kind of order. I have the notes for the first couple of chapters in order, but after that my notes are a mess.

Wednesday is the November 1st and the start date to begin my novel. I’ll try to post something on that day. Also, I’ve been tossing around the idea of doing some quick posts (QP) on my non posting days. There I go again getting ahead of myself. Oh well…..

Happy November! Happy Novel Writing!

Another Gentle Push

I was in the Karma and Luck store (Love Love Love this store!!!) in Harrah’s hotel in Las Vegas last week. It’s a very cool store that sells stones and stone jewelry. I bought three stones — rose quartz, amethyst and camelian. Rose quartz promotes universal love. Amethyst promotes health and beauty. Camelian promotes sensuality, manifestation and creativity. I’ve been told to put these stones in my purse or pants pocket, under my pillow or on my desk. It works. When I put the abundance rock in my pocket I found a $50 at the mini mart, later on that week I found a $20 on the floor at work and I won $100 on a lottery ticket.

I felt totally at home in this store. I love this stuff. The power of stones, karma, dreams, past lives. I have always been drawn to this kind of stuff ever since I was a little kid. As I walked about of the store and down the hall a little voice in my head said to me “You’re not doing what you’re suppose to be doing. You’re not fulfilling your purpose.” This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this voice. In the past I have either ignored the voice or pushed it down. Deep in my heart I know I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing, but bills need to be paid and things need to get done. I know that my calling and where I am at in my life are on totally different ends of the spectrum, but I’m scared to bring them closer together.

As I continued walking I decided that I’m going to listen to that voice. I’m going to own who I am today and I’m going to do something every day to get closer to my calling every day. I know…..easier said than done.

How did my life get so out of whack? I think it’s because I don’t listen to myself. I don’t know that part of myself. I don’t take the time to get to know that part of myself. I don’t make time for that part of myself. The one thing I do know is that I have to get to know that part of myself.

This trip to Vegas has been very eye opening for me. It’s been different. My husband brought one of his coworkers along. It was his first time to Vegas. While the guys bonded (no alcohol involved) I was able to spend time with myself. I loved that.

When we flew out early Tuesday morning I wrote for an hour on the plane while they watched tv. After we landed I shared with James some of my favorite things about Vegas — the botanical gardens and the water show at the Bellagio hotel, playing the Hangover slot machine, shopping at The Dragon’s Lair at the Excalibur hotel, watching the gondolas at the Venetian Hotel and gambling at Treasure Island hotel. This got me thinking…..I do my favorite things in Vegas, but I can’t remember the last time I did one of my favorite things at home. Wait. I did get a pedicure before my trip. I get so caught up in the day to day stuff that I forget about my favorite things or what they even are. How is possible that I can’t even tell you what five of my favorite things are right now? That’s sad.

On Thursday morning around 9 a.m. we went to the Barrett Jackson car auction. (another one of my favorite things I love to watch on tv) at Mandalin Bay Hotel. After walking around for three hours, I left the guys and went off on my own. I did some shopping, talked to my mom, wrote for an hour and then met up with the guys for supper.

On Friday morning we went to the memorial site of the victims of the shooting. I was ok until I stood in front of the 1st cross and I looked down the row of fifty eight crosses. I cried. All of these people lost their lives around the same time. It was the first time I had been to something like this. I was amazed at the notes from family and friends, the poems, balloons, candles and all of the other trinkets people left. It was moving. I could feel how much the 58 people were loved. Seeing something like this definitely puts things in perspective.

It made me realize that I need to think about how I’m going to put more of the me I keep hidden inside of me and my favorite things into my life. I need to share this part of myself with others and put it into my writing. I need to start to getting comfortable with that part of myself. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet, but I’m going to try.

I definitely learned a lot about myself during my vacation. I’m grateful my husband had James along so I could spend some time by myself and let things come to the surface.

It was a another gentle push to become more of the me I’m suppose to be.

Thank you, God.