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“You’re a bitch,”  My husband said angrily one day three years ago.  “And you need to do something about it.”

He was right.  I was a bitch.  I wasn’t the same woman he married eight years ago.  The sad thing was I had no idea what to do about it.   I was thrown right into perimenopause and I was drowning.

Six months prior to this I could feel my body changing.  I gained five pounds.  I was moodier than normal.  I talked to my doctor about this and he scheduled a test to find out how close I was to my period ending.  I wanted this test  a year earlier, but he wouldn’t give it to me.  He said I was to young to be in perimenopause.  The test results came back that I was at the very end of my having months periods . “I still don’t believe.  You’re too young.” He said to me.  I was 49 at the time.   He took me off of the  birth control I was taking because with my periods ending there wasn’t a chance of me getting pregnant.

That’s when everything went to hell.  The hormones in the birth control had kept me on a even keel and now that I didn’t have them in my system my life was hell.  I was only getting three or four hours of sleep a night.  During the night I got hot so I would throw the covers off and then I was cold so I would cover back up.  This went on all night long and I barely got any sleep.  Not sleeping made me crabby and hard to deal with.  And I was especially pissy about the weight gain.  Before this weight gain started creeping in, I was happy with my weight and feeling really comfortable in my skin.  Now my body was changing and I hated it!

I didn’t know what to do.  I tried several things at the health food store.  I think black cohash was one of them (that was three years ago and I can’t remember crap anymore).  I had always wanted to try acupuncture, but I hate needles so I never did.

I needed to do something and I needed to do something NOW.   After doing some research (thank God for the internet), I found a acupuncturist in my area and scheduled an appointment.

It took a month or two for the acupuncture to start working, but it was worth the wait.  My acupuncturist, Jamey, is awesome.  He listens and is very patient with me.  He answers any questions I have.  He is very knowledgeable and is easy to talk to.

It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.  I’ve been having the treatments for the last three years and I rarely have any night sweats or hot flashes anymore.  My moods are better.  I know when I start getting pissy it’s time for another treatment.

I recommend acupuncture for anyone in perimenopause.  I wasn’t sure about the needles, but they are so small that most of the time I can’t even feel Jamey insert them. We talk while he’s inserting the needles so I’m not focused on it.  It usually goes pretty smoothly.

Acupuncture saved me and my marriage!

At the end of last year I ordered a book called The 52 Lists Project by Moorea Seal.  I bought it because I thought it was a plain book that you could write a list of what you wanted to accomplish every week of the year.  I thought that I could write weekly goals and at the year I could see what I accomplished.

The book, from the picture in a magazine, was hardcover and it was pretty.  I thought I could leave it on the coffee table and it wouldn’t be an eyesore.  Plus, it would be in front of me every day and easily accessible.

I am a lists person.  I make a list at work of what I want to get done after work and the next morning.  If I am running errands, I make a list a list of the places I need to go and what I need to do at each place or what I need to buy.  I know without the list I would forget to do/buy something.  I find the older I get the more forgetful I get so the list really helps.

The day the book came in the mail I ran out out to the mailbox and didn’t even wait til I was in the house to open it.  I was so excited to get started making my lists.  I held the book in my hand and I realized what I thought the book was about and what it really was about were two different things.

I stopped dead on the front step and stared at the cover.  It wasn’t a nice hardcover book to keep my lists in.   If it wasn’t a book to keep my lists in, what was it?

It is a lists book, but not to write your to do lists in.  It’s a beautiful book that makes you think of what is important.   For example — one week asks you to list the things that make your spirit feel free.    I wrote down — walks in the woods and on the beach, not being at work,  the weekends I spend at the trailer, our weekend trips to Las Vegas, writing, writing in my journal.  After making my list I realized that I wasn’t getting enough moments that made my spirit feel free and I needed to take steps to change this.

It makes you remember things you forget — successes you have had in your life, good times with family and friends and what makes you you.  It makes you think about your goals, the space you live in,  what direction you want your life to go in, what you enjoy doing and the way you life now.

For 52 weeks you are listing the positive things in your life.

I love the book.  It’s very uplifting and positive.  Plus, there is a Take Action step on bottom of every list page to give you a push to get you going.

I haven’t been very good at doing it every week.  I don’t know why.  It only takes fifteen or twenty minutes to do.  Maybe I’m not ready to look at that part of my life.  I don’t know.

I think in our fifties we need to start getting clear on who we are, what makes us tick and what we are put on this earth to do.  Our fifties are about taking the time to do what we love (if you’re not doing that already) instead of only making dollars.   It’s about getting rid of all of the stuff we hide behind and become our true selves.

It’s hard work, but definitely worth the effort.

I’m glad I bought the book.  I am a better person because of it.

Thanks Moorea for your beautiful book and for being you!!

The Powerball Jackpot is 204 million.  Everyone is talking about this at work and what they dream about what they would do if they would win.  Buy a new house.  A new car.  Pay off their bills.  Cross items off of their bucket list.  Donate to their favorite charity.

Not me.

I think about the thousands of dollars I would have to pay in taxes.   I think about all the people who be asking (hounding) me for money and where I could hide to escape this.

Not exactly the kind of mindset that will draw a couple of millions dollars into my life is it?

I always do that.  I always think of the bad things that can happen instead of thinking of the good.

When I was in high school this way of thinking saved my butt many times.  My friends would suggest going to a party we weren’t suppose to go to.  I would think if I get caught this is what will happen — my dad is going to have my butt and I am going to grounded forever. I didn’t go to the party.  My friends were grounded but I wasn’t.

The funny thing (well it’s not funny – it’s actually kind of sad) is that this is the way I still think today and I realize that this behavior doesn’t serve me now.   I didn’t realize that this is the way I make decisions in my life and this is the way I live every day.  Not many good things are going to come into my life if I think of the bad things first.

What about the money area of my life?  Am I pushing away the 130 million because I think of the bad instead of the good?

You betcha.  Sad isn’t it?  How could I live 52 years on this planet without realizing this before?

I never realized I was doing this until I started reading a book by Jen Sincero called You are a Badass at Making Money.  I’ve only read the first chapter but she makes you think about the many good things can come from having money.  Instead of thinking about all of the negative things (like I have been doing) she focuses on the positive.  This is a new way of thinking for me.  I didn’t realize that I could think of money is a positive way.

What if I started to think about all of the good things that would happen if I let money come into my life?  What if I thought about all of the people I could help?  My family.  My husband’s family.  My church.  I could start of foundation of some sort.

I’ve always know that money has been waiting at my front door for me to let it in.  It’s always something that I have felt, but I have never been able to accomplish.  Maybe I can now.

I am going to go read some more of Jen’s book and write in my journal.

And go buy a lottery ticket.  🙂

Two days ago I was driving home from our trailer and instead of getting on the interstate to get home I decided to take the back roads.

I had no clue where I was or what the next town was.  I just knew if I kept heading south I would end up at home.

I haven’t taken the back roads in a long, long time.  I used to drive the back roads when I was single and I needed the think thru a problem.  The open road, load music and  fresh air usually helped me solve my problems.

I love taking the back roads.   I love seeing the rolling acres of farm fields and the cows standing or walking lazily in the fields.  I love having the windows rolled down and the tunes cranked.

After ten minutes of seeing farm field after farm field fear settled in my belly and I was getting nervous.  I still didn’t know where I was.   I didn’t recognize anything I was passing.  What if I got lost?  What if I broke down?  Where would I tell my husband I was?  How would he find me?  I wasn’t looking at any road signs so I couldn’t tell him what highway/road I was on.

I looked at my dash.  I had a fourth of a tank of gas left and I was still going south.  I was fine, but I didn’t feel fine.  Why was I so afraid?

Deep down I knew that I would get home safe and sound so why didn’t I just relax and go with the flow?  So what if I didn’t know where was for fifteen minutes?  Would it kill me?  No.

As I headed south I wondered when the last time was that I took a risk like this.  Why wasn’t I doing this more often?  Getting out of my comfort zone and taking a risk?

The last thing I did that scared the crap out of me was starting this blog, but really nothing since.

Up ahead I saw the road curved, but there was a dirt road that I could go straight on so for shits and giggles I took the dirt road.  I thought somewhere up ahead the road would be cemented, but it was dirt for two or three miles.  Fear set in again, but I took a deep breath and enjoyed the ride.  I knew either somewhere ahead I would hit a real road or I would have to turn around and go back (which I really didn’t want to do).   The dirt road finally ended and I turned left onto the cement road.

Five miles down the road and about a half hour into my drive I sighed as I saw a familiar road sign.  I knew where I was!!  Yeah.  I took familiar roads I knew to get home.  It was beginning to rain and I was done with my adventure for the day.

Instead of taking me 45 minutes to get home it took me an hour and fifteen.  What I learned is that maybe I need more adventure in my life.  Why wasn’t I doing more things that scared me?  If I wanted my fifties to be fabulous I would have to get out of my comfort zone and do things that scared me.

Like going after the writing career that I have always dreamed of in my head, but have been afraid to pursue out loud.

I think my three goals for this week is to figure out a tagline for my blog, figure out how to collect people’s email addresses and post a post on First Fridays for everyone to read.  So far I have only told my niece about my blog, but I haven’t let her read it.   I know.  Silly isn’t it?  Fear.

I will let you know how things go.

What are you afraid of?  Please share your story.  Let’s encourage each other and get unafraid together.

I started my blog to share my journey through my fifties with others.

I didn’t want the black roses or going downhill to describe the start of my fifties.

I want my fifties to be fabulous  I want each year to be better than the last and I want to put more of myself in every year.

I want to give myself the time and space (away from the hustle and bustle of every day life)  to figure out who I really am and what I really want.  I want to learn how to listen to myself and be my best self.  I want to get to know myself better.

I want to give myself the time to do what I like to do and what is important to me.  I want to look at my life and my priorities and reorganize my life.    I want to listen to my yearnings and give them a chance to come to life.

I want to write.  I have always wanted to write and this is something that I need to make a priority.

I want my fifties to be different than the other years I have lived.  I don’t to speed through life on automatic pilot.  I want to be present.  Fully present.

Hopefully sharing my journey will encourage others that their fifties can be fabulous too!

I made $209 at the garage sale we had on Thursday and Friday.  Yeah!!

I’m really happy that I made $209 and I was able to get rid of a lot of unused stuff, but what is most important is that I spent time laughing, talking and eating with my family.

My two brothers, my sister and I hung out with our mom.  We laughed as we remembered silly stuff we did when we were kids with the neighbor kids.

Family is important.  It’s very important.  Spending time together — whether it’s going to a doctor’s appointment, shopping for an hour or two and then grabbing something to eat or just sitting on the porch talking — is something we need to.

Life is short.  We need to make time for what is important.

I am grateful for my family and all of the great people that I have in my life.

Thank you, God.