Category: self help, inspiration

I Interrupt My Vacation….

To be honest, we returned home after midnight last night and I am dead tired.  I just wanted to quickly share this fantastic book I starting reading on the plane with you.   I wanted to buy an easy read for my flight, but I didn’t find anything I liked so I picked up the book below:

Only Love Today by Rachel Macy Stafford.

This book is beautiful.  It is life changing.  It has touched me in ways I didn’t expect.  I was teary eyed on the plane and stopped reading for fear I would start crying uncontrollably.  (Not that that would be a bad thing.  I just didn’t want to start my vacation that way)  This book will help you become a better parent, friend, and person.  I highly recommend it.

Last week I commented on a blog called Wakinguponthewrongsideof50@wordpress.com  about healing stuff that happened in our childhood.  This book brought a lot of my issues from my childhood to the surface, showed me places where my inner child needs to be healed and gave me the words/phrases to help heal her.

I wish I had Rachel in my life when I was growing up.  Thank you, Rachel, for writing this beautiful book.  It’s worth every penny and more

Buy it.  Read it.  Live it.

I hope this book touches you like it has touched me.

Sometimes It Sucks To Be A Responsible Adult

Saturday night I woke up at 2:30 am thinking about if I should gather important papers in case something happens to us on our upcoming trip.   I’m not trying to be morbid or anything.  I just like to be organized.  I know sometimes I can be too organized, but I don’t think this is one of those times.

I was awake for an hour before stuff stopped rolling around in my head.   I know I would have to gather bank statements, life insurance, etc.   If I did leave out papers they would be mine because Steve’s sister knows where all of his papers are.   I never thought about doing this before so this is kinda weird.  Should I gather documents or shouldn’t I?  I doubt if anything is going to happen to me, but you never know and I always like to be on the safe side.  If I did, where would I leave the manilla envelope?  My mom will be bringing in the mail so I don’t want to leave it on the kitchen table and freak her out.  My brother will be staying at the house so I don’t want to leave it on the coffee table or anything and freak him out.  On second thought he probably wouldn’t notice because he’d be too busy watching tv (he doesn’t have cable at his house).

Maybe that’s why I was blah on Sunday.  Maybe the shooting in Vegas bothered me more than I realized.  It sure has made me think about a lot of things.  My death.  Steve’s death.  Do we have everything we need in writing?  We had our wills done earlier this year, but we still have to decide on burial.  I want to be cremated and buried in the same cemetery my dad, my dad’s parents and two of my cousins are in and Steve doesn’t know.  I know I want to be buried with my husband.  We have to discuss this further and come to some decision.

My mom and I have talked about my wishes so she kinda knows about what I want and my documents are easy to find, but will she think so?  I think that thinking and preparing for death is what we have to do in the second half of our life.  As unpleasant as that sounds, it’s what we have to do.  Be responsible and have the details figured out.  I don’t think it’s fair to leave this to our loved ones we leave behind to decided what we should have decided for ourselves.      The shooting has made me think of how short and precious life is, how the unimaginable can happen in a heartbeat and how we should be somewhat prepared.

Are we ever prepared to die unexpectedly?  I don’t think so.  I’ve had a good life.  If I died tomorrow I would have some regrets.  One of them is that I didn’t fulfill my writing dream yet.  I would like to get my writing published before I die, but I believe in reincarnation and maybe I have done as much as I need to do in this lifetime, but that is another post.  Lately everything is another post.   I know I don’t want to die before I realize my writing dream.  Am I ready to die?  No, but I know that decision isn’t up to me.

Maybe I’ll just write a letter to my niece and tell her how I feel.  I would hate for something to happen and not have written a letter before hand.  She’s almost sixteen and hasn’t had a good life death wise. Her uncle committed suicide ten years ago.  Two of her very good friends committed suicide — one was two years ago and the other was six months ago.  I try to be as involved in her life as I can be.  She lives about forty five minutes away from me and I worry about her.  I don’t get to see her nearly enough.  I do call her and text her.  She would be the only one I would write a letter to.  I love her and I want her to know how much I love her and why.  In fact, I think I wrote a post about this awhile ago.  I told her to read it, but I don’t think she did.

This is definitely not the post I thought I’d write today and it’s probably not the post you thought you would be reading.

“That’s life, kid.  People die.”  My dad used to tell me this.  I can hear his voice clearly in my head.

I’ll let you know what I decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes I Am Still Going To Vegas

My plane leaves for Las Vegas in less two weeks.  I’m excited, but also have a heavy heart.  My heart goes out to everyone that was at the music festival and I pray for everyone daily, but my trip has been planned since April and I am going.  There are three reasons why that I will share with you below.

  1.  I’m not letting some random dead guy (there are plenty of other words I could use describe this guy, but he’s not worth the time or effort so I’m just calling him dead guy) dictate what I’m going to do, where I am going to go and when I’m going to do it.  The reality is that if the right person is in the same place I am I can get shot anywhere….at work, at the grocery store, in my home, etc.  I think every time a shooting happens we are more aware of how it can happen anywhere and at anytime.  Unfortunately I can’t hide from it.  It sucks, but this is reality.  It makes us realize how vulnerable we are and how precious life is and lives are.  I can’t stop living,  live in fear or stop doing what I love just because there are people like the dead guy out there.  People like him scare the shit out of me, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life.

2.  Vegas is a tourist town.  This is how people make their living.  If people stop going              businesses suffers and people get laid off and things spiral downwards.  The                        gunman did more than kill innocent people.  He messed with their livelihood.                     From what I understand the airport cancelled flights and some casinos were shut               down.  This is a loss of income for the people of Vegas .  People need to eat.  People              need to pay their bills.  Traveling to Vegas is my way of helping the city getting                    back to normal — whatever normal is right now.  I want to go.  I want to help.                      Vegas needs me to go.

3.  I LOVE Vegas!!!!  I love the food.  I love the architecture.  I love the art.  I love the                vibe.  I love the casinos.  I love the shopping.  I love waking up to the mountain                    views.  I love the energy and lights of the Strip.  I love the different hotels and how            each of them has their own vibe.  I love that my husband loves Vegas as much as I              do — he’s the one that got me hooked.  What I love most about Vegas really has                    nothing to do with Vegas, but with my husband and how we get to spend five days              together.  No work.  No daily grind.  Just us.  Together.

I know this trip will be different because I have a heavy heart, but life has to go on.    There’s no way I can go there and not think about what happened.  The city is grieving and will continue to grieve for a long time.  Will I be more aware of my surroundings?  You betcha.  Am I aware that there is a small possibility that another shooting could possibly occur?  Absolutely.  If it happens and I die then I was my turn to die.  My name was on that big chalkboard in the sky.  There’s nothing I can do about it.

I didn’t think about cancelling my trip once after the shooting.

F U dead guy.  You are not winning.   (Sorry for the language).

A Try At Poetry

We lay in bed side by side

My back is snuggled against your belly

Your arm is wrapped around my front

Our fingers entwined

I feel loved and protected

I close my eyes and sigh

My favorite way to fall asleep

 

I don’t know why, but I woke up at 3 am this morning with this poem (is it even a poem?) in my head.  I normally don’t write poetry nor do I read it so I don’t even know what to classify the above as.

What I have been trying to do is get my writing out of my head and on paper.  I have a lot of ideas swimming inside of my head that I need to get out, but I’m not sure some of the ideas are even worth writing down.  Sometimes what I feel is awesome in my head doesn’t necessarily come out as awesome on paper.

I feel I have too many essays, blog posts and other writing adventures started, but nothing is finished.  I am close to finishing some, but not others.  I am currently working on the projects that are close to being done, but the other projects that I’m not working on demand attention in my head as well.

In the past I have started writing and then quit because I was overwhelmed with too many ideas in my head.  I would start and quit.  Start and quit.  I didn’t know how to deal with current writing projects and new ideas that come into my head.

This is what I am trying to deal with right now — not to become overwhelmed.  To give myself time to work on projects and time to write notes for upcoming projects.  Basically to give all of the voices in my head a voice.

I think it’s pretty cool to wake up at 3 a.m. with the possibility of a poem in my head.  It shows me I’m expanding and I’m excited about that.

I’m happy with possible poem.  What are your thoughts on my possible poem?  Is it good?  Does it suck?  Is it even a poem?  I would like to hear all of your thoughts — positive or negative.

Thanks for reading.  I appreciate all of you.

 

I Want To Express My Soul

I have never really taken up a lot of space in this world.  For my whole 52 years of life I have stayed quiet in a corner.  Not really saying much or causing the focus of the world to be on me.  I’ve never wanted to be the center of attention or have the attention on me.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with anger.  Maybe, now, it’s because I want to be heard.  I want to be more of who I am.  I want to do what is important to me.  I want to matter.

I want to express my soul.

I realized today that maybe I’m angry because I want to take up more space in the world than I currently am.  I’m growing, learning and becoming more of myself.  As I change and grow and become more of the new me I am becoming stronger.  The stronger I become the more aware I am of what I need and want.  The more I become me the more space I am going to take up in the world.

Things that weren’t important to me are now important to me.  For example, my husband fixes lawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, snow blowers, etc. in the garage on the weekends.  I encourage him to do this because this is relaxing to him and it gives him the down time he needs after being on the road all week.  Most importantly, he enjoys it.  During the week I try to get all of my stuff done so help him get what he needs to get done while he’s home.

For the last couple of months something has been nagging at me in the back of my head.  How come I don’t make time for myself and my dreams like I make time for my husband’s?  During the week I make sure there is food for him to eat (sometimes) and that his favorite towels and his laundry is washed when he gets home.  I run whatever errands he needs.  I do whatever needs to be done.  Isn’t that what a truck driver’s wife is suppose to do?  My life basically runs around him and what he needs.

What about me?  What about what I need and want?  Why am I not treating myself like I treat my husband?  I think this is where my anger stems from because needs and wants that I never knew about or I did and I pushed back down are now coming to the surface.  They demand to be dealt with.   As I grow and change I’m realizing I want to take up more space in the world.  I want shout out to the world “Here I am.  Are you ready for me?”

Admitting this rocks the boat.  It unbalances things.  I don’t ask for a lot.  I don’t need a lot.  I guess…until now.

It’s not that I’m unhappy in my marriage because I’m not.  I’m very happy.   I just want more.  I don’t think this is wrong.  I want to expand me and who I am.  I’m getting to know the real me and this is awesome and scary at the same time. I’m feeling very raw right now.  I’m not sure how to express the new me and what I want and need.   I know  the balance needs to change to include more of me and I’m not exactly sure how to do this.

Balance.  This is what I need to find.  I need to find a balance between taking care of me and my needs (that unruly, bossy, sometimes uncontrollable, stubborn four year old inside of me that wants/needs to be heard) and my husbands.  It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just a new beginning.

Today I’m not worried about sentence structure, paragraphing or any of that other stuff.  I just need to get my feelings out on paper.  It’s not finished.  There’s probably stuff I forgot to include and that is ok.  When I started this blog I wanted to share my menopause journey and all of the messy, hard parts and this is one of them.

Thanks for following and/or reading my messed up menopause journey.

Have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Think I Might Try NaNoWriMo

Did you know that November is National Novel Month?  I didn’t.  I never heard of it before.

NaNoWriMo is a writing project that challenges you to commit to writing 50,000 words in the month of November while writing the first draft of a novel.  At the end of 30 days you’re not suppose to have a ready manuscript to submit to a publisher.  You are only suppose to finish your first draft.

This sounds very interesting and has me thinking….

I have a novel that is swimming around in my head.  I have written small parts of chapters and figured out some characters, but nothing more.  My notes are all in a folder on my couch.   I keep writing bits and pieces and  putting them in the folder.  I was going to look at the folder this weekend because I would like to organize my notes and see where I am and where I would like to go.

Doing NaNoWriMo would be a huge challenge —  an emotional and time challenge.  This would take huge amounts of time.  I think I would basically have to give up the month of November, but what’s the big deal.   It’s snowing and cold so there’s nothing to do outside.  The camper will be closed so my weekends are free.  Who cares if the house is clean or if supper is made 🙂

I would like to do this to see if I can finish a novel in 30 days or to see how far I get.  It would be interesting to see how many words I can write in a month, what roadblocks come up and how I would deal with them, and how I would push myself to write.

I would have to write 1,667 words a day.  The number is a little daunting.  I post 500 to 800 words twice a week.  The daily goal would be like writing two or three blog posts a day.  I think that would be doable, but tough.  Maybe once I got into the groove of writing that much a day it wouldn’t be bad.  Or maybe it would still be bad.  I don’t know.

All I know is that I would like to try it.  I think it’s time to expand my life a little.

I think I’m going to go check out their blog (blog.nanowrimo.org) to see if I can learn more about what I want to get myself into.

I know I need to keep my expectations low.  I realize at that end of November I’m not going to have a novel ready to send to a publisher.  Nor am I going to be signing a million dollar contract.  But what I might have is a wonderful first draft of a novel that I can edit in 2018 or I might have a crappy first draft of a novel that I toss because it sucks that bad.

You never know until you try.

I’ll keep you posted on whether I decide to do it or not.

Have you or anyone you know tried NaNoWriMo?  I’m very interested in hearing what other people’s opinions are.

 

 

I Can’t Remember Crap

I was in the McDonald’s drive thru last week.  I knew what I wanted, but I couldn’t remember what it was called.  I was looking frantically at the menu trying to locate the item I wanted to order.  I couldn’t find it any where.   I didn’t want to look stupid and I was getting agitated.  Why couldn’t I remember it?

“I can’t remember the name of what I want to order,” I admitted.

The young girl is trying to help me.  “Can you please describe it?”

I felt really stupid.  I never had to describe the item I wanted to order before.  “Eggs wrapped in a tortilla.”

“A Sausage Burrito?”

“Yeah.  That’s it.”

What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t even remember two words.  Sausage Burrito.  Oh boy.

I pulled up to the window and the girl smiled at me.  “Sausage Burrito?”

I smiled back.  “Yes.  Sausage Burrito.”

Is there a chance that those two words will be forever ingrained in my head?

I doubt it.

What the heck is happening to my brain — or lack there of…..

At least 3 times this week (and the week is only half over) I am on the way to do something and I stop dead in my tracks and think to myself — Where in the heck am I going?  What do I need to do?

Brain freeze.  The young girls at work laugh at me.  The older girls smile.  They know my pain.

Now I have to go finish the dishes before I forget about them and go to bed.

And, yes, I have done that before.

 

 

 

 

 

LOVE….

Love is good

Love is kind

Love is patient

Love is healing

Love is energy

Love is motion

Love is fun

Love is laughter            .

Love is freedom

Love is tender

Love is sweet

Love is freeing

Love is trust

Love is great

Love opens doors

Love allows you to be who you are

Love allows your true self to come to the surface

Love is balance

Love is happiness

Love allows you to gain yourself

Love is always there for me

Love is open communication

Love is telling you about me

Love accepts faults

Love is excitement

Love works

Love is self-acceptance

Love lasts

Love is strong.

Love never ends

 

I thought this list was pretty cool.  I wrote it a long time ago.  The date on the white loose leaf page reads 10-19-1992.  I wanted to share it with you because with all of the bad things happening in the world we need to remember and focus on what love can do.

 

Love can change hearts

 

 

Grabbing Bits Of Time

I always thought that I needed hours to write something worthwhile.  A block of four to eight hours of uninterrupted time that I could sit at my desk and just write.   I could work on my essays, or blog posts or my novel and get a lot accomplished and feel good about it.

Since I started seriously writing my blog I’ve been shooting for writing an hour a day.  I usually try to write in the morning when I get up, but for the last couple of weeks I haven’t been successful.  Life has been getting in the way and I have lost touch of my goal.  I haven’t been writing as much as I would like and was bummed out about it.  I was wondering what I could do differently.  I read in someone’s blog (I apologize to whoever’s blog I read — please let me know and I will give you the credit you deserve) and I don’t remember that whole story (again I am sorry) where this guy wrote for a certain amount of time in his car after work every day.  No matter what.  Guess what?  He wrote a novel.

Why can’t this work for me, too?  Not the writing after work part, but the grabbing time part.  So the last couple of weeks I’ve been grabbing bits of time to write.  Seven minutes while I’m waiting in the drive thru at Walgreen’s to pick up my husband’s prescriptions.  Fifteen minutes while I’m waiting for the doctor’s nurse to call my name.

My favorite bit of time to steal is my last ten minute break at 8 p.m. at work.  I use this break to write about whatever is swimming around in my head.  I take notes while I’m working so I don’t forgot (easily done at my age) what I want to write about at my last break.  For some reason work is the place where I have the most ideas swimming around in my head and the least time to deal with them.  I think it’s probably because I shouldn’t be writing at work…..I should be working.

I grab time in other ways.  Two weeks ago while I was driving to the campground a ton of ideas came to me so I took twenty minutes before I went inside the store to shop and wrote notes for the essay I was working on and wrote part of a blog post and wrote a sentence or two on a couple of pages.  I keep a notebook in my truck just for these occasions.  Last Friday I spent twenty minutes in the parking lot after my acupuncture appointment writing two scenes for my novel that I thought of while I was laying down.  Usually I take a nap, but not last Friday.  I even thought ringing the buzzer so I could cut my appointment short so I could write.  I didn’t, but I thought about it.

When I first started grabbing bits of time I didn’t think it would matter.   I didn’t think that ten minutes or a half hour would be productive, but how wrong I was.   I write a lot more than I thought I would.  I even started a notebook to keep track of things I am working on.

I would like to think I am more organized although I’m still working on this.  When I write partial blog posts I put my notes in a folder and when I’m ready to write the full post I grab my notes and I’m good to go.  When I write notes for an essay I usually try to revise my essay that same day so I don’t lost my thought process.  When I’m done I have a revised essay and feel good about it.

I feel I’m writing more and getting more accomplished.  I feel I’m writing better because (even if it’s only ten or fifteen minutes) I’m giving myself time to do what I love.  I feel I’m more in tune with myself and my writing.  Ideas flow more freely because they now have an outlet.

I’ve learned that I don’t need a block of time to make my writing dreams happen.  That’s just not realistic in my life.

And besides…..a lot can happen in fifteen minutes.

 

I Am Not The Same Woman

I am a little sad today because I realized — full blown — that I am not the same woman I was before menopause.  Did I think I would be?  Yeah…a little.  I read about the changes, but for some reason I didn’t think it would happen to me.  Or, maybe, I hoped it wouldn’t happen to me.

My husband’s sisters were at the campground.  They are a loud and opinionated group.  I was a different person this time.  I didn’t keep my mouth shut.  I stated my opinion and why I felt the way I did.  I think all four sisters saw a side of me they never have.  By the end of the day I was tired, pissy and had had enough.

As I have said before, I try to keep my menopausal symptoms to myself and under wraps. I try not to be angry or pissy or let my patience run out, but sometimes I can’t do it.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was pissy and short tempered — a person I am usually not.

Before perimenopause I was always happy.  Nothing really bothered me.  It took me a long time to get mad at people.  I didn’t have a temper. I helped people whenever I could.  It didn’t matter if they did anything for me in return because I was happy to help.   I liked to be needed.  Sometimes I let people take advantage of my generosity.   I was quiet.  I didn’t voice my opinion for fear of making people mad.  I didn’t like conflict.   I didn’t want to be in the spotlight or let my light shine.  I basically stayed in the corner.

After perimenopause and into menopause I am very opinionated.  I have a voice and I share freely how I feel.  I don’t care if I voice my opinion and make people mad.  My temper is set off by someone breathing wrong.  It’s not funny, but sometimes it’s true.  If I’m pissed at you you will know.  I am not quiet.  I refuse to stand in the corner and be quiet.  I need to let my light shine.  I need to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.   I’ve let go of friendships that I haven given and given and given to and didn’t get anything I return.  I refuse to come last in someone’s life.  My relationships need to have give and take in them — not just take.  I deserve to have good people and good things in my life.   I really don’t care if people like me or not.

My husband jokes around and tells people he fears for his life when he is home.  Maybe sometimes he is serious — depending on my mood.  He makes me laugh.  He’s the reason I have made it through this menopause stuff this far.  I feel very lucky that I can talk to him about my symptoms, how I feel and what I need to do.   He does stupid stuff and makes me laugh when I am crabby.  He makes me feel better.

Later on last night when we were alone I told him why I was pissy.  We talked about it.  I voiced my opinion and he voiced his.  We are on track and think the same way about a lot of things and this is one of them.  He listens to me and I feel loved.

I was sad this morning because I think my relationship with people may change or have changed because I am not the same person I was and I can’t go back to being that person.  This is who I am right now and people are just going to have to deal with it.  Call me a bitch or whatever you will, but I can’t go back.  I don’t want to go back.  I like this new me.  It’s almost like I am free.  I broke out of the chains and I can live the way I want to.  I feel this is the person I am meant to be.

 

I think on some level I am sad to let the old me go.  I was that person for over 45 years.  It was safe and I felt safe.  Some days I don’t know how to navigate these waters of menopause.  Some days I feel like a fish out of water and other days I feel I am swimming upstream barely making any progress.  I have been swimming in this river for the last two years and it hasn’t been fun.

It occurred to me today how much I have changed in the last two years.  I think camping this weekend in his family’s dynamic is the reason my sadness came to the surface.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is.  I don’t feel I fit into the same places that I used to and it makes me question my place in the world.

This is what menopause does.  It turns your life upside down and you have to pick up the pieces and put it back together.

I am a different women and I like who I am becoming.  If other people don’t like the new me so be it.  That’s the way it is.  I’m not going back.