Possessions and Emotions

I’m beginning to understand why hoarders hoard.  As you may know, with this move I’ve been going through my stuff and I’m not entirely happy with what I have been finding and learning about myself.

While unpacking this week I found 11 college ruled (my favorite) notebooks in a box and 4 other notebooks in other boxes.  Why I felt I had to have 15 notebooks I have no clue.  It’s not like there is going to be a notebook shortage in the future and I will run out.  As far as I know, notebooks are made every day

Even though I haven’t used any of them I know why I bought them.  I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to the world.   I liked the purple color of the cover of one notebooks.  I liked what three of the notebooks said on the front cover.  I liked the flower design on the front cover of two notebooks.   On two of the notebooks I liked the border around the edge of the page.  I know.  Sad, but true

I’m sitting here shaking my head.  I don’t need all of the notebooks so why did I buy them?  I have one notebook in my truck to take notes in or to take in a restaurant with me to work on my novel or blog posts and I have one notebook in the living room to do the same.  But, even so, I currently have four notebooks that are being used for this purpose.  (While we were moving I couldn’t find the notebooks so I bought new ones  Don’t ask).  So why would I need more? I have no clue.

Realizing I have 15 notebooks brings up a lot of emotions.  I can’t believe I’m sharing this with the world, but here it goes.

Embarrassment.  I can’t believe that I have 15 notebooks.  How did I let myself get 15 notebooks?  (This is why I had to get rid of the hutch.  It was helping me hoard)  How did I not know I had 15 notebooks?  It’s so ridiculous to me that I would spend money on buying something I already had more than enough of.  Also, it makes me realize that I really don’t know myself and I how I operate in that area of my life.

Overwhelmed.  I learned that I buy stuff based on feeling.  Not if I need it or not, but on feeling.  That’s not exactly the smartest way to shop.  Yesterday I went through my notebooks.  I sat in my notebook shit and dealt with all of the feelings that came to the surface.   I’ve decided to keep 3 or 4 notebooks.  Maybe two.  I just can’t keep all of this shit.  I’m going to donate the notebooks to a local school where people who really need them can use them.

Anger.  Why am I a hoarder?  What part of myself do I have to change to become a non hoarder?  I am pissed off because that money could have been used to buy other things.  I know I am being too hard on myself but what the hell was I thinking?  15 notebooks?  Seriously?  I can only guess how having these notebooks and other stuff have clogged up my life so I couldn’t let stuff I really wanted/needed in.  Maybe this is why I have issues with money.  I buy stuff I really don’t need.

Sad.   I think on some level I knew I was a hoarder, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I have to let go of this unneeded stuff and I’m sad.  I know it’s going to open up my life to let knew stuff in, but still I’m a little sad.  For some reason I enjoy having stuff.

I feel like a dumb ass for having the notebooks.  I’m suppose to be an adult who is capable of making competent decisions.  I’m seeing a part of myself that I didn’t realize fully was there.  At 53.  What the hell took so long.

Excuse me, but I must go.  I have to find a box to put my notebooks in so I can take them to a good home.

I’ll be going through my  hoarders pile of books next.   Oh shit.  I’m in trouble.

 

May Anthony and Kate Rest In Peace

I just learned of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade’s suicides over the past weekend and I am shocked.

Why?

I guess what I don’t understand is why.  How can someone be that depressed that they don’t want to live anymore?  I can honestly say that I have never had suicidal thoughts.  I have to admit I live a charmed life.  I am happy go lucky.  I look at the positive side of life.  I believe that God doesn’t give me anything I can’t handle.  I am lucky.

I don’t know the other side of the coin.

Two girls (one of them was her best friend) my niece hung around with killed themselves.  They were 13 and 15.  We were worried that my niece would follow suit.  She has had so many people die in her short 16 years.  Both grandfathers, a favorite uncle, a cousin (by suicide), three dogs, numerous cats and other people.  Today she is on solid ground.

Or is she?  She seemed to be this weekend.  We had a really great time this weekend, but I worry about her.

We never know, do we?

I loved watching Bourdain’s show and learning about different countries.  I loved Kate Spade’s handbags.  I would have never thought they would commit suicide.  WTF???? I thought they had it made.  That shows you how much I know.  The news shakes me to my core.

I am in shock.

How do we know?  I don’t see my niece a lot, but I try to text her every other day.  Whenever I hear “our” song I text her.  Oooh   Oooh  Shut up and dance with me.  (Lyrics from our song).  She asked me why I text her the lyrics.  I told her to let her know I’m thinking about her and that I love her.  Now she texts me when she hears our song.  I text her words of encouragement and thoughts for the day.

She has really came out of her shell in the last couple of months.  She’s isn’t so afraid to talk to people and ask for what she needs.  She has really matured.  She seems happier.  More outgoing and enjoying her teen years.  She’s even going to school functions.

But after hearing about Anthony and Kate maybe I am wrong.  Maybe she’s feeling the way they maybe felt and I just don’t see it.

My brother’s friend, Keith, committed suicide when they were in high school.  My brother took me to his grave a couple days after the funeral.  I cried and I cried.  There were flowers and pictures and balloons on a his grave.  I could see how much he was loved and how many people cared about him.  I always wondered if he saw it and if not why?  I was so apparent to me.  Maybe it wasn’t to him.  That’s what I don’t understand.  Why couldn’t he see it if I could?

I know I am rambling (and thanks for reading my ramble), but I realize now that I really don’t know anything.  Do we really know anyone or the pain they are feeling?  We may think we do, but do we really?

I have a lot to learn.  About my niece and about suicide in general.

My heart goes out to Anthony’s and Kate’s family and friends.  My heart breaks for them.

Rest in peace Anthony and Kate.  I won’t forget you.

 

Gratitude Thursday

I had a crappy day yesterday and today is not much better. This 10 hour mandatory overtime sucks. I’m tired of it. It doesn’t make for a wonderful workday so I’m going to do what I did last week and list the things i am grateful for.

1. That it is almost Friday. Yeah!

2. Vacation. I’m taking a half day tomorrow.

3. For a girls weekend trip to Madison with my mom, my sister and my niece.

4. For the awesome new kitchen table and six chairs I bought with my 20 year award money that my employer has wrote a check for. It is awesome

5. For the fact that I am home and going to bed. I’m beat.

Not much happier but grateful.

One Of My Favorite Things

I love this little planter. It’s an old kettle that I bought a garage sale. I had my husband drill to a hole in the bottom so the extra water can run out.

I have done this several times in the past couple of years. I find something interesting at garage sale and instead of using it for it’s intended use I use it as a planter. A couple years ago at a garage sale in a swanky part of town I bought a really pretty green fruit bowl with beautiful red and green decorative handles. I was talking to my mom about my plans to use it as a planter and the lady having the garage sale looked horrified. “You’re going to use it as what?” I swear she wanted to buy it back.

I haven’t been to many garage sales this year so I haven’t been able to look for any unique planters. I can’t wait to go and and some really cool old stuff. Like an old spittoon. I think that would make great planter.

In the old house I had 15 planters on the deck and along the driveway. I had 3 or 4 hanging baskets every summer. This year I have 5 planters and 1 hanging basket. Quite a difference but definitely simpler. I have my favorite flowers. Daisies. I love the daisies that open during the day and close at night. The purple ones are my favorite.

I love my flowers. I smile everytime time I walk out the door and see them. I am one lucky girl.

Gratitude Wednesday

I’m writing this because today sucks. I have some kind of stomach bug and I’m not feeling well. I’m crabby as hell. And we are on 10 hours of mandatory overtime. Not a good day.

I thought if I listed 10 things I am grateful for it might change my mood so here it goes.

1. I’m grateful for chocolate shakes, Cheerios and crackers because that’s basically what I’m living on. These items make my tummy feel better.

2. For Wendy’s being so close that I can swing thru the drive thru and grab supper.

3. For my half hour lunch hour that let’s me escape the madness of work for a little while.

4. My job. Even though it doesn’t fulfill me anymore and I know this I’m still grateful. I have a job, health insurance and money. Yeah! And a unfinished novel.

5. Its 10 degrees cooler than yesterday. Thank God. These last couple 90 degree days have sucked.

6. My phone. I can type on my lunch hour and breaks on my phone and edit it on my computer when I get home.

7. To be able to breathe. I’ve been doing some deep breathing while I tell myself “I let go”. It’s been working. I’m not as stressed as when I got to work.

8. The cows I see on the way to town. I love these cows. They make me smile. I have one picked out to take home.

9. Indoor plumbing and toilet paper.

10. My bed and new sheets. So comfy.

Focusing on what I’m grateful for definitely made my day better. I still feel like crap, but focusing on what I am grateful for has helped me not to focus on the small piddly irrations of the day. Mostly people.

I’m grateful for that.

The End Of My Hutch

I don’t know how I published the unfinished post, but I did.  It’s late and I’m tired.  Oh well.  Shit happens.  Anyway, here’s the last of my post.

I knew when we moved the hutch would have to go or I would be in the same position as I was before.  A mini hoarder.  Everything I didn’t want upstairs I would throw in the hutch in the basement.  I dealt with some of it before we moved, but I still have three or four or more of boxes of crap that was in the hutch that I have to deal with.

What was in the hutch?  A money affirmation book that I started writing 20 years ago, but never finished.  I have all 365 affirmations written, but they aren’t very good.  The paper is yellowed and the type is faded.  I don’t want to toss yet will I ever work on it or even look at it again?  Not sure, but I can’t toss it.  There was at least thirty or more books I bought at garage sales that I was going to read, but never did.  (I think I have a home for some of these.  At the campground they have a library box on a post with books in it.  I think I will take them there.  There was only a couple of books in it.)  A photo album of the first three years of my niece’s life that I scrapbooked for her.  I gave it to her a couple of weeks ago.  She’s 16 and a half.  I stopped scrapbooking the album when I started dating my husband.  I thought I would continue to work on it, but never did.  Surprise.  Surprise.  A huge fake book that I keep my laundry money stash in.  I put a dollar in a jar for every load of laundry I do.  I keep a stash because if some major appliance breaks and we have to purchase a new one it’s not a big deal because I have a down payment saved.  There was about forty writing magazines in there.  The Writer.  Writer’s Digest. And other misc. magazines I picked up along the way.  What I was saving them for I have no clue.  There was a bunch of other stuff in there.  Seasonal stuff.  Pens and pencils.  Markers.  A scissors.  Packing tape.  Garage sale stuff.

My hutch wasn’t packed, but there was enough stuff in it.  The question I keep asking myself is — if I didn’t know what to do with it when I put it in the hutch why did I think I would know what to do with it after?  I have no clue.  That’s why it’s still in boxes.  Because I have no clue what to do with most of it.  I know it will probably go in a tub or two in the closet in my office.  Probably the things I’m most attached to.  Emotional ties.  Maybe stupid ties that I don’t quite understand right now.

We were at the trailer (finally) this weekend so I didn’t have to deal with it.  I was going to deal with it tonight, but I sat in the chair and watched tv and or napped.  I’ll probably deal with it during the week.  I have two boxes for the thrift store started at the bottom of the basement stairs.  I know I have to give some of it away and/or shred it.  Who knows how long the boxes will be at bottom of the stairs.  I think I just need a break from all of this moving/sorting/purging crap.

I’m embarrassed I have all of this crap and kinda pissed off at myself that I didn’t deal with it before.  I didn’t want to.  Out of sight.  Out of mind.  Sad as that is that is the truth.

I’m glad my hutch is gone.  It forces me to look at things from a different perspective and only buy things that I need or really, really want.  The things need to serve a purpose.  I can’t buy things anymore because they are cute or because they are an impulse buy.  I want to live more simply.

It’s going to take awhile to get to more simply in my world.