Author: chrissy

This library is one of my favorite places to write. It’s very peaceful and relaxing and I love looking at the trees and flowers outside.

I spent an hour or so there the last two afternoons. It’s nice to get away from the distractions at home and with the pandemic going on there’s hardly anyone at the library.

For some reason I feel I think better at the library. Maybe it’s because the table is big and I can spread all my stuff out.

This morning I rewrote the first half of a short story that I originally wrote in 2016 and havent looked at since. I’m happy with the progress I made.

There’s something to be said for an hour and a half of uninterrupted writing time.

Another thing I love about this library is that they have a pencil sharpener!

I usually hand write my rewrites in pencil before I type them and I hate writing with a dull pencil so I use the sharpener a few times while I’m there. I bring five or six pencils with me so I don’t have to get up all of the time to sharpen.

So many reasons to love my writing spot.

We found out yesterday my mom is cancer free!!!!!!

Yeah!

It’s been a rough six months. The surgery, chemo and then this virus crap.

I want to hug my mom. Go shopping or out to eat.

Something. Anything.

For the last four months we’ve been doing nothing together.

It feels like forever.

She’s being cautious. She doesn’t want me over because I work and my husband goes through the hot spots while he’s on the road.

I understand why.

I think not being able to see and hug my mom on a regular basis is part of this emotional mess I’ve been experiencing these last couple of months.

I miss her. I miss seeing her smile. I miss her hugs. I miss her company. I miss us doing stuff together.

I do talk to her everyday on my way to work. I stop over there to drop stuff off once in awhile.

For now I will have to take what I can get while we wait for this virus crap to pass

For now I will be very grateful for her being cancer free.

For now I will be grateful that my mom is alive and I can talk to.

This is what I will focus on.

This what I will be grateful for.

Thank you God!

My flowers make me happy.

I love this turtle. He’s so cute. The plant that’s in it, not so much. The hot weather took a toll on all my plants plus l the fact I forgot to water them a time or two doesnt help either.

I love this fish. I bought it at the consignment shop I sell my stuff at. It was on the clearance rack for $2.42. I brought it home and had my husband drill a hole in the bottom and used it as a planter.

There’s been a couple times that a flower was growing out of the mouth. It looks cool when there is. Sorry I dont have a picture. It’s droopy today because it needs water, but I still smile when I see it because of the fish. I love it.

Happy day!

I want my opinion to matter.

I want my feelings to matter.

I want who I am to matter.

I want what I think to matter.

I want my insecurities to matter.

I want my self to matter.

I want my anger to matter.

I want my happiness to matter.

I want what and who I love to matter.

I want what I say to matter.

I want what angers me and disappoints me to matter.

I want the simpliest things to matter.

I want the things that are the hardest things to talk about to matter.

I want the parts of me that are hidden to matter.

I want my tears to matter.

I want what I scream from the rooftops to matter.

I want what I whisper in the middle of the night to matter.

I want every part of who I am to matter.

In the last couple of weeks it feels like I’m cracking open and a new self is emerging. She’s bolder, stronger and more badass than I have ever been.

I’ve been pretty quiet in my relationships and kept a lot inside and dealt with a lot of stuff by myself. Probably because emotions weren’t talked about in my house while growing up and I have carried that through my adult life.

This new me wants her emotions and other things acknowledged and heard. I don’t know how this is going to affect my relationships, but I need to be honest about who I am. I can’t ignore this part of myself anymore.

I’m going to go slow and try to explain myself the best I can. I’m not going to apologize for who I am or what I want. This is the new me.

The more I deal with my past the more I know what I want and need for my future.

Pretty cool eh?

I’m done with writing my anger pages. I think I’m going to let go of my fear next.

Who knows what issues that will bring to the surface, but I’m not worried.

I got this!

This drawing has been swimming around in my head for the last couple of weeks. I had some time on Saturday afternoon so I decided to use the time to draw.

On the left is a picture of the future and the left is the past.

I wanted to draw a young girl’s face looking out of the dumpster but I couldn’t figure out how.

The young girl I wanted to draw is me looking out and seeing what is really there. I’m finally ready to let go of all that garbage from the past and move forward.

Why this happening at age 55 I don’t know, but I am grateful. I dont know why all of this stuff chose to come to the surface in the last couple of weeks, but I’m glad I’m getting the chance to deal with it.

This pandemic has given me plenty of time to think. I promised myself I would come out a better person at the end of this. Even though were not even close to the end of this pandemic I am a better person. I’m stronger. More vocal. More focused.

More me.

“I’m smiling under my mask.” I told a woman I just said hello to in the library the other day.

“I’m smiling too.” She said.

I miss seeing people smile.

I know wearing a mask is important. I know we need to do it.

But something is missing.

I miss seeing the quick smile of someone sneaking by me in an isle. I miss seeing the smiles of little kids jumping around. I miss seeing the smiles of friends and family I run into in the store. I miss seeing the smile of my favorite cashier at the grocery store. I miss seeing my mom smile.

I just miss seeing people smile.

Smiles warm your heart. They lift your spirits and give you encouragement.

I think this is part of the reason why my spirits are so low. Seeing people smile makes me smile.

I pray every day for a cure for this virus.

I wear a mask so I can see people smile again.

I think my anger started coming to the surface a couple of weeks after the Safer At Home order was issued by Gov. Evers.

During those weeks, I was considered essential and had to work. I am grateful for this. What I was angry about (and still a little disappointed about) was the fact that management really didn’t care about their employees while going thru these trying times. The CEO, VP or President didn’t walk through the plant to ask us how we were doing or if there was anything they could help with. I felt invisible.

A month or two ago issues that I need to deal with started coming up from my past with dad. My husband is alot like my dad in some respects so it’s like he’s pushing buttons without even realizing it and bringing things to the surface.

Emotionally my dad wasn’t there for me as a kid. It wasn’t ok to express emotion or communicate feelings. I couldn’t talk to him about important stuff because he didnt believe in having a discussion. It was his way or the highway.

Fast forward to now. I realize I’m kinda in the same boat with my husband. I need him to be there emtionally for me. I hug when I need it. A safe place to cry. I hold a lot of stuff in or deal with it myself. He’s not comfortable with showing emotion either.

I dont know why this is all coming to the surface now and I’m not quite sure how to deal with.

I have a telephone counseling appointment on August 6. I don’t really want to talk with someone over the phone but that is my only option right now

What I am doing in the meantime is trying to get my anger out. Whether it be screaming in the basement or walking or journaling.

I’m also trying this.

Many, many years ago someone told to me to write the sentence below 35 times on a piece if loose leaf paper twice a day for 7 days.

I, Chrissy, let go of my anger completely.

I’m not sure why 35 times. I don’t know why twice a day or why seven days.

It’s been years since I have done it, but I’m trying it again because it works.

Emotionally this is the lowest I’ve been in a long, long time. It’s kind of scary, but the good thing is probably not going to last. I hope.

I’m taking things slow. Getting plenty of rest. Writing in my journal. Breathing.

I’ve heard that dealing with and letting go of childhood issues is hard work but totally worth it on the otherside.

I hope it’s true.

This morning I’m trying to be positive while carrying buckets of water upstairs and dumping them outside.

My sump pump isn’t working the greatest. The ditch is full of water because of the three inches of rain we’ve had these last couple of days. The sump pump pipe runs underground to the ditch and since then ditch is full it pumps out but then some of the water stays in the hose. I dont know the complete workings of it.

This week I’m trying to stay positive so I’m going to list what I am grateful for this morning.

1. I was able to experience the quiet of the morning. I started this at 3:30 am and its 5:30 now.

2. My brother in law for being here for me. I texted him at 4:30. He should be here by 7. I know because he was here on Tuesday morning. Dont ask.

3. I don’t need to excercise today because I think carrying a bucket of water up 15 stairs 20 times is good enough.

4. That Flamingo (yes I did name my sump pump. I dont know why) is partially working so that I can take a break.

5. Its Friday.

6. That I can go back to bed for awhile after we get the above ground tube in place. I already cancelled my accupuncture appointment for this morning.

7. That the rain will stop and my ditch will dry up.

Well I better go tend to Flamingo. She’s been going off every 8 minutes.

I love sunflowers.

I put this pot outside my living room window so when I come downstairs in the morning it’s the first thing I see.

They make me smile and they help to start my day on a positive note.

And no matter what is going on in this crazy world we live in right now we need to be positive and look for positive things because what we focus on expands.

Plus its been over 80 degrees for the last two weeks with 1000% humidity. It’s been rough. Everyone is sick of it and crabby. There might be a small break this weekend.

It’s hard to stay positive when it’s this hot/humid, but I try.

Thank you, Sunflower, for reminding me.

Relax.

Breathe.

Stay safe.

Have a great weekend!