2018 The Year Of Me

I’ve been thinking about my goals for 2018.  The list below is what I came up with.

To listen to my inner nudges/intuition more than I do now.  I’m not very good at this.  Listening to myself wasn’t encouraged when I was growing up.  I would like to be more in touch with part of myself.

To be kinder to myself.  I am my own worst critic.  I would like to be my biggest supporter.

To heal my inner child and my soul so I can be the person I was meant to be.

To deal with my menopausal anger and see what issues come up from the past that I need to deal with and heal.

To be a good steward of my talents.  I don’t really think I’m doing this right now.  I’m not sure what my talents really are.  I’m not really a church person, but I do believe in a higher power and I believe we are all given talents the help us evolve on our spiritual path.  I want to give myself the time and space to explore what my talents might be.

To find what makes me happy job wise.  I like my job and I like the people I work with, but I don’t feel I can express who I really am at my job or figure out what my talents really are.  I make good money, but working 10 hours a day doing something that doesn’t fulfill my soul doesn’t work for me anymore.  I would like to find my purpose and make a living at that.  I realize that may be take longer than 2018, but at least I can start thinking about it and possibly make little changes.

To learn more about the stuff that interests me.  Past lives, Kundalini and chakras, intuition, organizing stuff and dragons.  These things have always interested me, but I’ve never explored any of them fully.  I have just been learning about the healing energy of dragons, which really fascinates me, but that’s another post.

To take two hours every Sunday (now that football is over.  Well, it’s over for me.  Pittsburgh lost today) and learn how to cook.  I suck at cooking.  I’ve never taken the time to learn.  I would like to learn how to cook healthy meals that I can freeze. I need to definitely learn how to cook/eat healthier, greener meals.

To use the Simply Fit Board that my husband bought me for Christmas.  This was an item on my Christmas list, but I haven’t used it yet.  I have to figure out the DVD player to use it and I haven’t yet.  I don’t understand why I just can’t just push play anymore and something works.  I should just be able to use one remote, push play and be done.

To write an hour a day, find a writer’s group, and find out who I am as a writer.

To be more understanding/tolerant of others and their situations.  We are all walking on this earth, but we are not all on the same spiritual path.  We are all fighting out own battles.  I need to be more kinder in certain situations instead of passing judgement on things that I may know nothing about — even if I think I do.

I know this is kind of an odd list.  It surprised me, too.  It’s not what I set out to write, but it’s what I want to do so I’m going to give it a shot.

Here’s to us all reaching our 2018 goals!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Back

Hi everyone.   My computer is fixed.  I thought it would be finished before we left on vacation but it wasn’t.  My step daughter turned 18 a couple of months ago so we took her to Vegas for couple of days.  Shorts and t-shirts for three days.  After that brutal cold that we went through the warm weather was heaven.

I can’t wait to start posting again.  While I was in Vegas I wrote everyday for an hour.  I wrote two blog posts on the plane to Vegas and reread and edited the first chapter of my romance novel on the way back.  I started my romance novel about 13 years ago.  I finished the first draft and started to edit it but never finished.  I felt it was missing something but I didn’t know what.  Last week while i was at work I realized what it was missing.  Becca, my lead character, lost her father when she was 12.  I tried to describe it but it fell flat.  I didn’t know because I hadn’t lost my dad.  Now that I lost my dad I can better describe what she went through.  I can see her character develop now so I’m ready to edit it now.  Yeah!

I’m going to try to post more than my normal twice a week.   I have posts that i wrote while my computer was down that i want to share with you guys. Yesterday was my first day back to work.  We are still on mandatory 10 hours of overtime and 5 on saturday so I will post when I can.

Here’s to a great 2018!

It Can Wait Til Tomorrow

My house is a disaster.  I have to bring the unused Christmas wrap, boxes and name tags downstairs.  There’s a stack of magazines (writing and other) I started to go thru, but got sidetracked and never finished.  I have a stack of mail that came last week that I need to go through.  I have four half written blog posts sitting on the kitchen table that I need to finish.  I have a sink full of dishes that need to be washed.  And this is just the start of my to do list.

I had yesterday off.  Yeah!  I had big plans on starting to work on my to do list.  I went shopping with my mom in the a.m., ran some errands and returned home about 1:30.  I was exhausted so I thought I would take a short nap.  I’ll sleep an hour and then I’ll work on my to do list.  I covered myself up with a blanket in the recliner and took a nap.  I woke up two hours later.  I looked around the living room and saw my to do list looking back at me.  Then I thought Screw it!  I’m taking today off.  I fired up my tablet and started to play Soda Crush.

Then came the annoying conversation in my head.  Head:  You know if you sit on your ass all day you’re not going to get any writing done and then you’re going be mad that you pissed the day away.  Body:  I deserve a day off to rest.  I’m tired.  I’ve been working ten hours a day for the last how many weeks.  I need to recharge.  Head:  You know you are going to sit at work tomorrow and wish you wrote today.  Body:  I need a day off.  I can’t run continuously.  I’m going to get run down and then get sick.  Head:  Baby.

I don’t know why I feel guilty if I want a day to do nothing.  Obviously I needed it because two hours after my first nap I was taking another one (with only the christmas tree lights on.  I love the way my tree turned out).  It’s not like I’m calling in sick to work (which I would love to do today, but can’t because I would lose my holiday pay).  I’m taking a day off to take care of myself.  I never looked at it this way before.  I think I need to change my self talk.

I just found out my niece didn’t pass her driving test.  My head wasn’t in this post while I was writing it because I was thinking about her and now it really isn’t in the post.  Sorry about that.  I’m sure I will tie this unfinished post in with another post I will write in the future.

This is not how I planned on finishing this post, but like the title reads, it can wait til tomorrow. Or the next day.  Or the next month……

 

 

My Brother’s Anger

My brother  and my brother in law (my sister’s husband) are fighting.  It’s over a truck axle and a loss of $800 for my brother.  It happened over four years ago.  I don’t know the exact details, but I do know how it has negatively affected our family.  I know my brother in law would talk to my brother face to face about it, but my brother will not.  After four years he is still angry.  I mean angry and this anger rules his life.

How sad.

If it were a non family member that my brother was angry with I wouldn’t have thought twice about the anger in his life, but since it is my brother in law and I have to deal with my brother’s anger, I’ve thought a lot about it since Thanksgiving.  My brother’s anger runs so deep that he’s pushing people away.  He puts a damper on the holidays because he feels he is right and everyone else is wrong.  He complains about being alone on holidays, but he chooses not to come to family gatherings because my brother in law will be there.  He is invited.  He chooses not to go.   He isn’t honest about why he doesn’t go.  He won’t admit to people that he’s been angry for the last four years and won’t let it go.

That’s just it.  He won’t let it go.  He won’t even acknowledge that my brother in law is in the room except for when he says a hurtful comment.  He could bury the hatchet.  He could call my brother in law and ask if they could talk.  He won’t admit that he might be  wrong or in any part had anything to do with what happened.  It’s all my brother in law’s fault.  My brother speaks poorly of my sister and her family.  Four years later.  He also blames my sister.  He thinks that she should have stepped in and done something in his defense.  The funny thing is is that he hasn’t stepped up to the plate and done anything to fix things except hold onto his anger for four years.

How long does a person have a right to hold on his or her anger?  I think it’s ridiculous that it has gone on this long.  That said, my brother has always operated from a place of anger.  I’m not like that.  I refuse to be like that.  I can’t stay angry at anyone long.  I believe in communication.  I believe in talking through problems. My brother is so consumed by his anger that he doesn’t see there is another way.  Love.  Peace.  I think since my brother has held onto his anger for so long it really isn’t my brother in law’s fault anymore.  It’s my brother’s.  My brother’s anger is the issue now.  Not what happened between them.

My brother thinks he is right.  It’s his right to think this.  This is his perspective.  What I don’t think he realizes is that being right has a cost.  He has lost four Christmas Eve’s with his family because he would rather sit home alone and dwell on his anger and how he was wronged than spend time with his family.  On other holidays when we are at my mom’s (she lives with him, but that’s another post) he says hurtful comments because he is angry.   Those angry words, even though he thinks he has a right to say them, can’t be taken back.  Sure, he can apologize for them, but at the end of the day the hurt behind the words will always be there.  Always remembered.  He’s missing out on having a relationship with me, my sister and my brother because he pushes us away with his anger.  I don’t think he realizes it.  I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t listen.  He’s right.  Everyone else is wrong.  End of story.  What a sad way to live.  I wish I could get inside his head and understand why he thinks the way he does.  I try to talk to him.  I get snide comments.  I invite him to come to our trailer, but he won’t because my sister and brother in law might be there.  His anger has closed him off from so many things and so many people.  I don’t know what to do help him so I just stay away.  I visit my mom when he’s not there.  I don’t know what else to do.

This issue has made me look at my own anger.  Right away I think of the house we lost and the $675.00 we lost.  Yes, I was angry, but my anger has died down.  After thinking about how my brother holds onto his anger I decided that I can’t hold onto the any anger I have about losing the house.  I think if they wanted to sit and talk about what happened I would talk to them.  I’m not sure my husband would.   For me, I have to let that anger go.  It happened over six months ago and I can’t hold onto that anger anymore.  I wish it would have turned out differently, but it didn’t and I have to accept that.  Holding onto that anger isn’t going to do anything positive for me.  It’s going to hold me back.  I don’t want to be held back.  I want to move forward.  I want to live.

My brother is over weight (over three hundred pounds and 6 feet tall) and has high blood pressure.  Now I understand why.  I can only imagine how holding in all of that anger and all of the other negative emotions puts strain on his heart and other organs.  It’s sad that he’s too caught up in his anger to see this.  Holding onto that anger is affecting his health in more ways than he realizes.  I’m afraid his anger is going to kill him.

I do realize that people get angry.  Hell, I get angry and I get angry faster and more often than ever.  Because I don’t really get mad that often, I didn’t know how to deal with anger I felt and how quickly my temper flared.  I felt I had to deal with my anger issues after an episode at the campground where I couldn’t get the anti-gravity chair to open and I almost threw it much the amazement of my husband, my brother, and my husband’s brother and his wife.  I was surprised of how quickly I could get angry.  I loose my patience quickly and snap easily.  I didn’t like the anger I felt and I knew I had to find a positive way to deal with it.  Luckily through my work I get five free counseling sessions a year through EAP (Employee Assistance Program).  I did go see a counselor.  She helped me learn that we all have trigger points and what to do when we get to these points and how to stay away from our trigger points.

It’s almost 2018.  Don’t you think that my brother would want to start the year fresh and not carry over any resentment into 2018?  I doubt if he sees it this way.  I don’t see why we just can’t all get along.  I know this is easier said than done.  I know some people aren’t easy to get along with, but I think those people just need more love in their lives.  In my brother’s case he just pushes it away, but I do things to show him I love him anyway.  He gets mad and makes crude comments, but I show him anyway.  I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I guess I stay away because I never know what mood he is in and what is going to come out of his mouth.  Maybe I’m closed off.

I just wish he would let go of his anger so we could be a family again.  This would be a wonderful gift to give my mom.  To have all of her children laughing, talking and enjoying each others company in the same room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I Ask For Your Help I Need You To Help Me

Before I left for work on Friday I told my husband I needed his help and asked him to fold the towels and put the lights on the Christmas tree and decorate it (it’s a small tree).  I didn’t think I was asking too much.  He took my step daughter to get her wisdom teeth pulled that morning so they would be at the our house all day while she recovered.  I thought decorating the tree (even if she laid on the couch and told him where to put each ornament) together would be a bonding time for them.  With my husband being on the road and my step daughter working most weekends, they don’t get to spend a lot of time together.  I thought they could laugh and talk about the hand made ornaments as they decorated.

Silly me.  Why I thought the tree would be decorated or even the lights be on the tree when I arrived home is beyond me.  I should have known it wouldn’t be.  The towels for folded and the laundry from the washer was in the dryer.  He does get credit for that.  You know why he didn’t put up the lights?  Because I brought the outside bin of lights upstairs.  I thought they were in that bin.  Shoot me.  I have all of the Christmas bins in one spot in the basement.  Did he go look?  No.  Did he call or text me when I was on break or lunch to ask where the lights were?  No.  Did he improvise and put the garage lights on the tree? (They are indoor/outdoor lights)  No.  Did he offer to help me look in the basement when I got home?  No.  Did he stay up to help me put the lights on the tree when I got home?  No.  I did end up using the garage lights because I couldn’t find the other ones.  When I got home at 10:30 I did the dishes, finished his laundry and did a load of my pinks, and put the lights on the tree.  I went to bed at 1:30 a.m.  He went to bed at midnight after the movie he was watching was over.

And to top it off, he tells me yesterday that  his truck is ready to be picked up at the repair shop and that I should take my brother to go pick it up.  What?  Are you serious?  You can’t help me with the Christmas tree, but I’m suppose to help you.  I calmly told him that I would be busy decorating the tree and that I wouldn’t have time.  What does he expect?  I’m suppose to help him, but he doesn’t have help to me.  Bullshit.  He called his sister to help him.

And now he was one pissed off wife to deal with.

Look, I’m really not trying to bash my husband.   He really is good to me.  I love him and am happily married….Until moments like this where he takes me for granted and doesn’t value me or my time and I get pissed.  I asked him for help because I really needed help because I am working 55 hours a week and it’s Christmas.  I have a lot of things on my plate and the thing that grinds me is that he knows this and he still couldn’t do the tree.  The thing is is that everything that he needed was in the living room. I normally don’t ask for help.  Being a truckers wife you get used to doing things by yourself, but when I ask him for help I need help. He better help.  He should help.  He needs to help.

I need your help today.  No.  I’m not joking.  What do those words mean?  Before menopause I wouldn’t have asked for help.  I just would have done it myself.  But now?  Now is a different story.  It seems the deeper I get into menopause the more aware I become of my needs and how they sometimes aren’t met.  I know that’s my fault because I didn’t express them before, but I’m expressing them now and sometimes it’s not a pretty site.  I want to write.  I want/need time to be creative.  What I realized since Friday is that I need him to help me more around the house so I have more time to be creative.  I’m not asking him to cook me a 10 course meal when he’s home, but a little more help would be nice.  For example, when you take the last roll toilet paper from the cabinet walk downstairs, grab a pack and fill up the cabinet instead of leaving me without toilet paper when I need it the most or when the blue bag garbage can under the kitchen sink is full, put in a new bag (the blue bags are right next to the garbage can) and take the bag out to the garage instead of leaving the recyclables on the counter because the bag is full or when he sees the carpet needs to vacuumed for whatever reason just vacuum it instead of telling me it needs to be vacuumed.  I don’t think it’s asking too much.  Is it??!!

I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I’m not the maid either.  In the past I didn’t say anything because deep down I was afraid that he would leave if I spoke up (that was my own insecurities talking).  Now, I don’t care.  I say what I feel (respectfully, not hurtful) and if he doesn’t like it tough crap.  I’m fully capable of making it on my own.  If standing up for myself and what I need and want is being a bitch then I am a bitch.   I just can’t keep quiet anymore.

It’s Sunday and the tree still isn’t decorated.  I bought new ornaments for the tree, but haven’t put them on yet.  I’m debating.  I would love to put the tree back in the box and put it in the basement, but for some reason I feel my inner child wants/needs the tree up and decorated.   For the last couple of years I haven’t put up a tree, but this year I actually wanted to put up a tree.  My husband asked me if I fell and hit my head.  After I post this I will go and put the ornaments on the tree.  And finish wrapping presents.

What I learned from this is that I want my thoughts, feelings and time to be validated and appreciated.  These things are important to me.  He needs to understand that I have other things to do than to cater to his needs and wants.  I want to cater to my own.  Our relationship is changing.  It’s scary, but I think it’s good because I’m allowing more of myself to the surface.  I’m allowing me to be me.   Finally.

Navigating through these menopausal waters is hard as hell sometimes.

 

 

 

 

I Matter

I matter

My hopes matter

My dreams matter

What I like and don’t like matters

My thoughts matter

My feelings matter

Who I am matters

Who I long to be matters

Who I love matters

What I long to do matters

What I love to do matters

My goals matter

My intuition matters

My job matters

My life matters

All of me matters – inside and out

 

All women matter