I Am Not The Same Woman

I am a little sad today because I realized — full blown — that I am not the same woman I was before menopause.  Did I think I would be?  Yeah…a little.  I read about the changes, but for some reason I didn’t think it would happen to me.  Or, maybe, I hoped it wouldn’t happen to me.

My husband’s sisters were at the campground.  They are a loud and opinionated group.  I was a different person this time.  I didn’t keep my mouth shut.  I stated my opinion and why I felt the way I did.  I think all four sisters saw a side of me they never have.  By the end of the day I was tired, pissy and had had enough.

As I have said before, I try to keep my menopausal symptoms to myself and under wraps. I try not to be angry or pissy or let my patience run out, but sometimes I can’t do it.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was pissy and short tempered — a person I am usually not.

Before perimenopause I was always happy.  Nothing really bothered me.  It took me a long time to get mad at people.  I didn’t have a temper. I helped people whenever I could.  It didn’t matter if they did anything for me in return because I was happy to help.   I liked to be needed.  Sometimes I let people take advantage of my generosity.   I was quiet.  I didn’t voice my opinion for fear of making people mad.  I didn’t like conflict.   I didn’t want to be in the spotlight or let my light shine.  I basically stayed in the corner.

After perimenopause and into menopause I am very opinionated.  I have a voice and I share freely how I feel.  I don’t care if I voice my opinion and make people mad.  My temper is set off by someone breathing wrong.  It’s not funny, but sometimes it’s true.  If I’m pissed at you you will know.  I am not quiet.  I refuse to stand in the corner and be quiet.  I need to let my light shine.  I need to tell my story.  I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.   I’ve let go of friendships that I haven given and given and given to and didn’t get anything I return.  I refuse to come last in someone’s life.  My relationships need to have give and take in them — not just take.  I deserve to have good people and good things in my life.   I really don’t care if people like me or not.

My husband jokes around and tells people he fears for his life when he is home.  Maybe sometimes he is serious — depending on my mood.  He makes me laugh.  He’s the reason I have made it through this menopause stuff this far.  I feel very lucky that I can talk to him about my symptoms, how I feel and what I need to do.   He does stupid stuff and makes me laugh when I am crabby.  He makes me feel better.

Later on last night when we were alone I told him why I was pissy.  We talked about it.  I voiced my opinion and he voiced his.  We are on track and think the same way about a lot of things and this is one of them.  He listens to me and I feel loved.

I was sad this morning because I think my relationship with people may change or have changed because I am not the same person I was and I can’t go back to being that person.  This is who I am right now and people are just going to have to deal with it.  Call me a bitch or whatever you will, but I can’t go back.  I don’t want to go back.  I like this new me.  It’s almost like I am free.  I broke out of the chains and I can live the way I want to.  I feel this is the person I am meant to be.

 

I think on some level I am sad to let the old me go.  I was that person for over 45 years.  It was safe and I felt safe.  Some days I don’t know how to navigate these waters of menopause.  Some days I feel like a fish out of water and other days I feel I am swimming upstream barely making any progress.  I have been swimming in this river for the last two years and it hasn’t been fun.

It occurred to me today how much I have changed in the last two years.  I think camping this weekend in his family’s dynamic is the reason my sadness came to the surface.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is.  I don’t feel I fit into the same places that I used to and it makes me question my place in the world.

This is what menopause does.  It turns your life upside down and you have to pick up the pieces and put it back together.

I am a different women and I like who I am becoming.  If other people don’t like the new me so be it.  That’s the way it is.  I’m not going back.

Happy Wife Happy Life

I hate this phrase.

To me this means that the husband should be doing whatever his wife wants, when she wants, to make her happy.  She barks.  He jumps.  She’s happy.

This is bullshit.

What about him?  Is he happy?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Does she care?  Probably not.

I don’t know why, but that phrase pisses me off.  It irks me because there are two people in a relationship and both people deserve to be happy.  Not one.

Both people should have the chance to be happy, to have separate friends, to go after their dreams, to pursue their hobbies, have a relationship with their families, to have their voices heard and their opinions matter. When I was married 8 years ago (it was our anniversary on Aug. 29 🙂 ) I don’t remember Roger, our pastor, telling us during our vows that my husband should treat me better than I treat him.  I remember Roger telling us that we should love and cherish each other and our relationship.  Marriage is two people.  Not one.

Happy Wife Happy Life.

This phrase doesn’t fly in my house because I don’t feel I’m the only one who deserves to be happy.  My husband deserves to be happy, too.  We both do things that make each other happy.  My husband and I do things together that help us reach our goals as a couple.   My husband and I give each other the time to pursue our individual dreams and help each other whenever we can with whatever resources we have.

I don’t want to be that happy wife.  I wouldn’t feel right if I got my way all of the time.  It would be nice for awhile, but I wouldn’t want this.  Marriage is about compromise and helping each other.  Neither of us get our way all of the time.  I want to see my husband happy so if I have to compromise once in awhile that’s ok.  I like to see my husband happy.

I feel my husband and I have a unique relationship.  He drives over the road so he’s gone during the week.  What makes our relationship strong is that I talk to him on the phone for an hour every day.  We talk.  We talk about what needs to be done, family, and what we would like to do among other things. We talk about what is important to each of us and why.  We talk.

I don’t bark orders — he wouldn’t listen anyway.  I’m used to doing things by myself because he’s on the road all week.  When he does come home he has a limited window of time that he has to get what he needs to get done.  I never give him a “honey do” list because by the time he comes home he has his own list of what he wants to get done that weekend.  If I need his help I will ask “Hey honey can you help me with this please?”

Our relationship doesn’t have score cards.  We don’t say “I did this for you. Now you have to do this for me.”  Some weeks I do more than he does.  Some weeks he does more than I do.  It all evens out.  We do things together.  I gather the trash and put it in the truck and he takes it to the dump.  We prune our bushes together — he prunes and I rake. He cuts the grass with the rider and I rake it up – if there is a lot he helps rake.  We run errands together.   He makes breakfast.  I make supper.  It all works.

Honestly, I admit I am bossier since menopause.  If I sense that I have been too bossy I will back off and/or do something special for him.   If I am too bossy and I don’t sense it he’ll give me a look and I will give him the reasons why I think the way I do.  We talk about it.  Sometimes I get my way.  Sometimes I don’t.

Happy wife.  Happy husband.  That’s the way we roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Gentle Push

Thanks again ,to Anita at Discovering Your Happiness, for nominating me for the Liebster Award.  I am still super excited about it.

I thought it would be easy to write my award post.  A piece of cake.  All I had to do was copy and drop the award picture and figure out what blogs I wanted to nominate and link their blogs to my post.

It wasn’t as easy as I thought.  It took me an hour to figure out how to copy and paste the award picture and I still haven’t figure out how to link.  Oh well.  Everything needs a starting point.

I am grateful for the award, but I think I am more grateful for the gentle push by Anita to get me out of my comfort zone.  I have wanted to update my picture for awhile now.  I don’t like to be a white ball when I like someones post.  My favorite picture is Anita’s.  I love how she has the words around the outside of the circle and the symbol in the middle.  Also, there’s couple of things I wanted to change on my blog to make it more me, but I kept putting it off and putting it off.

Until now.

Anita asked me two questions that really stuck a chord in me.   Her questions were:         Where I see myself in five years?  Where do I see my blog in the next five years?

My answer to myself in five years.  Geez.  I am 52.  I don’t even want to think about being 57.  Honestly, I don’t want to think about this.  It scares me.  I don’t feel 52.  I don’t act like I’m 52.  Although, I am starting to move like I’m 52.  Ladies, I know you know what I am talking about.  Trying to walk after you’ve been sitting awhile…it takes a couple to steps to get your legs and hips to do what you want them to do.

My answer to my blog in five years.   When I started my blog it was because I had to.  My blog kept calling me.   Ideas would pop out of nowhere.   It kept nudging me until I answered the call.   When I did, I didn’t really have any goals.  Honestly, I’ve been writing my blog for myself to see how many people would read it.  I’m not doing too bad considering I haven’t told anyone around me that I have a blog — not my husband, my family, my in-laws, my friends or my coworkers.  I’m happy with my progress.  My followers grow every week.  I almost have doubled my views from last month.  Yes, there will be a time I will tell the people around me, but right now I’m happy to be on this journey by myself.  I’m proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far, but winning the award made me realize that I’m not doing it for me anymore.  I need to take my blog to the next level – whatever that may be. In the next couple of months I need to learn about this basics of wordpress and look at other blogs to see what I can do to make my blog more user friendly and fun.   I want my blog to be a positive place.   I don’t know where I want to be in five years, but in a year I would like to have more followers. I would like to show more of my writing — essays and short fiction — that I’m working on. I would like to interview strong women or maybe have them guest post for me.  I would to monetize my blog, but I’m not sure how.  I have some ideas.

To be honest, the set up of my blog has stayed the same because I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  My blog is growing and I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know why I’m afraid.  I love to learn new things, but when it comes to a computer i am like a fish out of water — flopping around trying to survive.  At this point in my life I don’t have a lot of patience.  It took me 45 minutes to download my antivirus software online.  Let’s not go there.  It’s not pretty.

I’m going to step out of my comfort zone a little at a time.  Now that camping season is almost over (there isn’t any wifi at the the campground) and fall is nipping out my heals, I will have my weekends free to learn new things.   I’m excited and scared.  I checked out a couple of books on wordpress and blogging — yes, the book for dummies 🙂   I’m taking that first step….

Thanks again, Anita, for the gentle push.

Peace and love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Liebster Award

 

Golden-Circle

OMG!!  Thanks to Anita from discoveringyourhappiness  for nominating me for this award.  I appreciate that she has taken the time to read my blog.  She’s one of my favorite bloggers and the fact that she has read my blog blows me away.

I love her blog.  It’s truly inspiring.  I look forward to reading it every day.  Check out her latest post:  Staying Inspired.

Please bear with me.  There was a few things I needed to learn to finish this post (which I will write about in my next post) and there’s a possibility that I did them wrong.  Forgive me, but I couldn’t figure out the link part of it (and this is probably the most important part) so I didn’t link any of the blogs I nominated.  I tried four times and then my menopause mad kicked in and I gave up.   Any suggestions on how/where I can learn to do this would be greatly appreciated.  I am already a week out on passing this award on and I didn’t want to take anymore time.

 

LIEBSTER AWARD RULES TO FOLLOW IF YOU ACCEPT:

  •  Recognize the blogger who tagged you
  • Answer the 11 questions you were asked
  • Tag 5 to 11 new bloggers who you think deserve some love
  •  Create 11 new questions for your nominees
  •  For the full list of rules, check out the Global Aussie page, and you can also choose your Liebster Award Image there

 

QUESTIONS AND ANSWER

1. Where abouts in the world are you from?  I am from the United States

2.  How long have you been blogging for?  A year.  The first six months was hit or miss because I let my fear hold me back.  I was afraid that people wouldn’t like what I wrote or they wouldn’t read my blog at all.  The last six months I have been blogging seriously and trying to post two times a week.

3.   What does your morning routine look like?  I work 2nd shift (2 – 10:30) so I usually get up between 8:30 and 9:30.  I write for an hour.  Shower.  Call my husband.  Make my lunch.  Sometimes I write in my journal.

4.   What do you do for self care?  Breathe.  Write in my journal.  Try to eat healthier.  Get enough sleep.  I really need to get a pedicure.  That’s one of my fav’s.

5.    Lollies or Chocolate?   Definitely hands down  CHOCOLATE!  My fav chocolate is M&M’s.  My coworkers tease me because I think each color has it’s own flavor.  I eat the brown one’s first, then the yellow, green, orange…

6.  What a typical weekend looks like for you?  We have our 5th wheel travel trailer on a permanent  campsite about a half hour from where we live.  My brother has a campsite next ours and my brother and sister-in-law have a site next to my brother’s. My family and my in-laws come to visit.  My sister-in-law and I float on our floaties in the pond while the guys do projects at the camper.  We usually fry out for supper and have a bonfire.  This is part of my self-care.

7.  What is one of your hobbies?  Reading.  fiction, romance, self help.  I am a book whore who definitely doesn’t like sharing her books.

8.  Places you’ve traveled? To the Bahamas on a cruise ship.  The    and The Disney. Disney has a an island, Castaway Cay, which is an old airstrip and very cool.  It they had a hotel on the island I would stay there for a week.  Beautiful, beautiful island.  

9.  Places you want to travel to?  Istanbul, Turkey.  I feel I have lived a past life there.

10.  Where do I see myself in 5 years?  Gosh, I really don’t know.  I am 52 years now…. where do I want to be at 57?   Hopefully I’m still breathing.

11.  Where do you see your blog in 5 years?  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll get a book deal from my blog.   Just kidding!  🙂  I honestly haven’t sat down and reviewed my goals in awhile.  I still can’t believe I’m 52.  I don’t know where the time went.

 

The reason I nominated the four bloggers below is because they are positive and their posts inspire me.

NOMINEES:

ARTbyJWP                          16 Inspiring Quotes For Being Yourself

thegsandwich                    59 More Things I Learned

myashachuma                   Postive Money Affirmations by Nyasha Chuma

raevanity                             365 Ways To Love Yourself

 

QUESTIONS FOR THE NOMINEES:

  1.   What do you like most about blogging?
  2.   What is your favorite season?
  3.   What is the one change you would like to make to your blog and why?
  4.   What is the main theme of your blog?
  5.   How many blogs do you follow?
  6.   What is your favorite hobby?
  7.   Who is the most important person in your life?
  8.   What is your dream job?
  9.   What is your favorite book?
  10.   Are you a morning person or a night owl?
  11.   Do you write your blog post in the morning or in the evening?

 

I would love to know how you answered your questions!  Please send me a link 🙂

Have a great day!

Chrissy

What Would You Do With $700 million?

The Powerball jackpot is up to $700 million dollars — probably more with all of the people buying tickets today.  This is the 2nd highest jackpot in Powerball’s history.

I bought a couple tickets during the last three days and got into a last minute $5 dollar pool at work.  I didn’t want to spend the five, but it would really suck if they won and I didn’t put my $5 in.  That would really, really suck so I put $5 in.

Winning the jackpot was the topic of conversation at work today.  Winning $400,000 would be enough for me.  We could buy a nice house and pay off my truck and our 5th wheel travel trailer and still have money left over to donate to church and other worthy causes.

But what if I really did win the $700 million?  What would I do with it?  There’s so many positive and uplifting things that could be done with $700 million.

I think I would start a foundation or maybe a couple of different foundations.  One idea for a foundation would be to give teachers the money to do great things in their classrooms that help cultivate smart, creative and motivated students that will help make a difference in this world.   I don’t think teachers get paid enough or have enough resources at their disposal.  This has always been a sore spot for me.   Another idea is to start some kind of suicide prevention foundation where parents and kids can get the counseling or whatever help they need to work through their problems and get to a positive place in their lives.  My 15 year old niece has lost two friends over the last three years to suicide.  It’s heartbreaking.

With all of the bad things going on in the world  I would use the money to be a beacon of good and positive.  Good vibes.  Good health.  Good times.  Good things.  Positive energy.  Positive people.  Positive, uplifting lives.

I believe in the good in people and I am a positive person.  I would love to share this with the world.  I believe I do — in some ways — with my blog, but if I won the money and would be able to do that on that big of a platform.  OMG!  That would kick ass!

When I wake up tomorrow morning I probably won’t be the Powerball winner, but I can still be positive and believe in the good in people.  I can look for the positive things in my life.  I can look the small ways I can help people — like buying school supplies and/or laundry detergent and fabric softener and donating them to our church.   Our church has a program called “Loads of Love” which helps people with their laundry one Saturday a month.   Quarters, laundry detergent and fabric softener are collected throughout the month and the church pays for people who are down on their luck to wash and dry their clothes with the collected items.  I think this is a very cool idea and I always donate items in memory of my dad.

Even though we don’t have $700 million there are ways that each of us can make this world a more positive place with good vibes.

I’m going to stop at church tomorrow and drop off my school supplies.  What are you going to do?

My To Do List

Smile

Be kind to myself and others because everyone has their own struggles

Eat healthy

Say yes to adventure

Love and cherish my husband and my marriage

Do one thing each day that gets me closer to achieving my dreams

Be grateful for my job and the things it allows me to have

Let good into my life

Nourish my soul

Be patient with myself and others

Take a risk

Love who I am — inside and out

Give a stranger a compliment

Be grateful for the people, places and things in my life

Own my mistakes

Give friends and family a hug and tell them I love them

Appreciate and respect the money in my life

Look for the good in people

Live simply

 

 

Issues With Finding a $50 Bill

Last Friday I walked into the mini-mart to pay for gas.  I get to the register and out of the corner of my eye I catch what I think is the corner of a $ bill.  I look down.  Holy shit!  It’s a $50 bill on top of the Extra gum.  OMG!  I slide the $50 into my pocket, paid for my gas and quickly left.

I didn’t turn it in.  I felt a little guilty about this, but I felt if I found it then I should keep it.  If I knew who dropped it I would have gladly given it back.  I felt bad that I didn’t return it so at work I asked a few people’s opinion on if I did the right thing.  I received mixed reviews.  I believe in karma and that I should do the right thing and be honest.  I would have liked to return it to the owner because if I lost $50 (or anything of value) I would hope someone would be honest and return it to me.

Questions started to form in my head.  What if the person who lost the $50 needed it to buy groceries?  What if the person who lost the $50 was well off and shrugged the loss off to his fault for being in a hurry?  What if it was an elderly person who was on a limited budget?

This is how screwed up I am about money.  I’m embarrassed to be sharing this part of my life, but part of the reason I started this blog was to share my story (good or bad) so I’m putting it out there.

The thing I learned from this is that I believe that I shouldn’t gain because of someone else’s misfortune.  This is a stupid belief and I have no idea where it came from.

First of all — what is misfortune?  Google defines it as “bad luck or an unfortunate condition or event”.

Second of all  — why do I let misfortune guide my life?  People gain from other people’s misfortunes every day.  One person gets a job because someone else is sick and can’t make the interview.  A small business gets in over their head financially and a bigger company buys them out.  These are the only two examples I could come up with at the moment.

I definitely need to change the beliefs I have about money.  They are not working for me anymore.  I don’t know what I’m going to replace them with, but I have to replace them with something positive and uplifting and that gives permission to have the money I want in my life.

After thinking about how I let money into my life, I realize that there are only two ways I allow money into my life — my job and the lottery/gambling.  Laugh if you will.  I’m shaking my head.  It’s interesting and ridiculous at the same time.  How could I be this closed off mentally for this long?  How did I not know I had these beliefs?

Maybe this is why I haven’t achieved my dream of becoming a published author because I won’t let myself get paid for my writing because it’s not on the list of how I’m supposed to get paid.   It’s ridiculous and angers me, but that is a whole different blog post for a different day.

I’m saving the $50 for when we go to Vegas in October.  Maybe it will bring me luck when I play the slot machines.  🙂