A New Phone Brings Up An Old Issue

My husband and I purchased new phones on Sunday.   Usually I post on Sundays, but after spending two and a half hours at the store switching phones and then a couple of hours trying to figure out things like voicemail, email, etc. I was mentally worn out.

And I was anxious.

My phone isn’t in the protective case like my last phone was.  They don’t make that case anymore so we had to go with a different brand and, of course, the store didn’t have them in stock so we had to order them.  I bought a cover (which I can return), but I didn’t buy the protective screen cover.   I should of bought it, but I can’t return it and I didn’t feel like paying $30 for something that I am going to use for only six days.

I’m afraid of dropping it and cracking the screen so I don’t use it a lot.  I wish the case would  come in so I don’t have to deal with the feelings I feel.  It’s weird because I can feel all of this fear in my shoulders and I usually don’t feel anxious.

Honestly, I don’t think the phone is the reason I feel the way I do.  I think worrying about dropping the phone (yes we do have insurance on them so it shouldn’t be a big deal) is just bringing feelings from past event(s) in my childhood that need to be dealt with to the surface.

While laying in bed last night I pictured slots in my shoulders opening and all of this fear rushing out.  I breathed in and out and let the fear naturally flow out of my shoulders until it was gone.  I was surprised that there was that much fear inside of me that needed to get out.  It felt good to get it out.  I felt lighter and slept great.

When I putting the dishes away this morning I remembered an event from my childhood.  I think was in 6th grade, but I don’t remember exactly.  My parents were cub scout leaders and we were all at the grade school gym for some reason.  I remember moving a sweatshirt off of a chair and something crashing on the floor.  It was an award that a cub scout won that evening.  I looked around and no one was paying attention so I put the broke award back in the sweatshirt.

I tried to talk to my mom about it several times throughout the evening, but there wasn’t a good moment where I could get her alone to tell her.  I felt horrible and wished I could have told her, but she was busy.  At the end of the night, the cub scout realized his award was broke and told my mom.  “Did you see who did this?  I can’t believe no one said anything.”  She was mad and by that time I had decided not to tell anyone.   “I didn’t see anything, Mom.”

Is the fear from this memory triggering the fear and anxiety that I’ve been feeling?  It could be.  Or this memory may not have anything to do with it at all.  It’s kinda hard to believe that old feelings like that are still hanging around inside of me.  I’ve been to counseling and have written in a journal to deal with stuff from my past.  I thought I had taken care of all of that stuff, but obviously not — some issue needed to be heard.

I think when we are menopausal we have to deal with all of the old crap that floats to the surface.  There isn’t anymore room for stuff like this in our bodies.  We can’t let it take up anymore room in our psyches.  We have to let all of this old stuff go to make room for the person we want to be.

I feel better now that I know what possibly triggered my anxiety and fear.  I still wish I had the case, but Saturday will come soon enough.  Until then I will give myself time to release my fear and move on.

It’s only a phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note To Men: Menopause Is Real

This past weekend was bad.  My Menopause fog was in full effect on Saturday.  I couldn’t remember crap and my patience was running very thin.

It started at McDonald’s.  I was a little irritated because they were busy and no one acknowledged that I was standing there.  I understand that they are busy, but I also expected one of the three women behind the counter to say, “I’ll be with you in just a moment.”  Common courtesy.

Later on that afternoon my husband wanted me to move the truck and lawn mower trailer so he could cut the grass.  This is something I have never done before and I really didn’t want to do it.  Long story short — the truck was kinda stuck so I kept gunning it and I put a 3 foot long rut into the lawn of my brother in laws campsite.  I was informed I needed to put the truck into a different gear.  How was I suppose to know if no one tells me?

After that, while we were frying supper (brats, pork chops, hamburger and potatoes, corn and asparagus wrapped in foil) over the bonfire, I tried to get the anti-gravity chair open and failed.  I expected the chair to open right away and when it didn’t I was ready to throw it and sit on the steps of my brother’s deck.

My brother in law patiently talked through getting my chair open.

My brother started to make a menopause joke.

I shut him up before he could finish.  “Menopause isn’t a joke.  It’s real.  It isn’t easy and it sucks.”

Silence.  They looked at me like I was a crazy woman and I feel like an ass because I let my menopause symptoms get the best of me, but sometimes I can’t help it. The impatience comes out of nowhere.  Boom!  It’s right there with no warning and me (and everyone else around me) has to deal with it.

I was embarrassed because I didn’t want everyone to see what a hot mess I felt like on the inside.  The forgetfulness is one one thing, but then add in impatience and anger. Look out.   Most of the time I try to keep my menopausal symptoms to myself, but sometimes, no matter how tightly the box is closed, they escape and there really isn’t anything I can do about it.  My menopausal symptoms are real.  I’m not making things up to get attention or to get treated like a princess.  There are a lot of things happening in my body and I’m trying to make the best of it.

I’m lucky.  I have a husband I can talk to about my symptoms.  He listens and is there for me.  He gives me the time and space I need.  He jokes around and makes me laugh.  If I say “I’m stupid today” he know I need help with things because I can’t remember anything.  My mind is just a fog and I have to wait until it clears to function normally again.

Usually acupuncture takes care of my menopausal symptoms, but my acupuncture appointment on Friday was cancelled due to road construction.  I didn’t think it would be a problem, but it was.  I needed acupuncture and I needed it bad!

Some days I wish he made house calls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Didn’t Deserve To Be Treated Like That

What I realized this weekend (while floating on the pond on my swan floatie) is that I’m not so upset about losing the house.    What I am upset about and what stings the most is how I was treated by the seller.

At the beginning of the house purchase the seller of the house we wanted to buy was bitching about the seller of the house he wanted to buy.  Three weeks later he was bitching about his realtor and how he wasn’t doing his job.    All of that bitching should have set off a red flag, but I didn’t know him very well and I just thought he was having bad luck.  I didn’t see the red flag until the anger was directed toward me.

What makes me mad is he had no respect for me and my husband or our feelings.  He didn’t take what was going on in our lives into consideration.  He just was concerned about himself.  He wanted what he wanted right now and if he didn’t get what he wanted right now he was pissed off.

It’s bullshit because I didn’t deserve his anger.  I don’t feel my husband or I did anything to deserve his anger.  We didn’t deserve to be yelled the way he yelled at us over the lies he made up.    I would never yell at someone the way he yelled at me.  It was rude.  It was uncalled for and it hurt.

I don’t deserve to be yelled at because he is having trouble with things on his end.  I know everything that had happened over the last month and a half probably was brewing inside of him and something I did was the made him snap and was the lucky receiver of his anger.  I felt I bent over backwards to help him because I knew he was having problems, but he didn’t appreciate anything I did.  If anything, I deserved to be thanked.

Looking back, we should have walked away and never gave him the thirty days but we did.  I know.  I’m too nice sometimes and I know this, but my question is: How do I know when to be “not nice”?  Aren’t you suppose to treat people the way you want be treated?  I don’t know.   This is something I still need to work on……

The good thing is is that I learned a couple of things during this process.  I think when we are in our fifties we start to see a new woman come to the surface.  She’s stronger.  She’s able to process and communicate her feelings in a way she never could before.  She’s not afraid to communicate her feelings.  She’s not afraid to ask for what she needs.

I have definitely seen a stronger me in the last couple of weeks.  I’m not so meek anymore.  This experience has opened up a new side me and I like what I see.  I am defiantly more vocal and more willing to stand up for myself than I thought I was.  I’m very proud of myself.

I’m proud of myself for two reasons:

1.  I didn’t back down.  I didn’t hesitate to get as bucky as he was.  He yelled.  I yelled back until he back down.  If he can yell at me, I can yell back.  He can’t tell me what to do nor do I have to listen.  I stood in the “ring” in full sight and I wasn’t afraid.   I was ready to stand up for myself.  No standing in the corner for me.

2.  For speaking my truth.  I told him exactly how I felt.  Even when he wouldn’t let me talk, I talked until he stopped talking and listened to me.  I told him how wrong I thought he was and I called him out on his lies.  (I know there are two sides to every story, but he won’t be getting a chance to tell his side of the story on MY blog)  And I let him know that I was pissed off.

For someone to yell at you and blame your for their problems is wrong, but what is really wrong is for you not to stand up for yourself.    I deserve to speak and express myself.  I deserve to have my side of the story heard.  No man is ever going to tell me that I can’t speak.  That I can’t tell my truth.  That what I have to say or how I feel isn’t as important as his.

F that.

I’m damn proud I stood up to him.  Did I honestly think I had it in me?  No.  I have never screamed at someone like that in my life.  No.  It felt good to stand up for myself.    My confidence is up a notch higher.

I’m walking taller today.

 

 

I’m Walking Away A Winner

“I can’t do this anymore,” I told my husband on Tuesday morning.  “I’m not spending one more minute of my energy on this house deal.  I think we need to walk.”

I was at my breaking point.

Monday night I came home from work, popped open a beer (which I rarely do) and opened my journal.  My last entry was June 10.  My entry started — I’m angry about this whole house thing.  I wish it was going smoother.  I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult.

And now, a month later, we are still in the same spot.

Unfreakin real.

It was getting ugly.  My Menopause Mad was coming out.  He yelled at me.  I yelled back.  I was using the “f” word.  As I drank my beer I knew we had to walk.  This journey was getting too hard.  The seller didn’t want to talk anymore.  Wait….he only wanted to talk if things were going his way.  If I tried to voice my opposing opinion he wouldn’t let me talk it all (that’s when I started yelling and he backed down).  Jerk!  For the last week I felt as if I was pushing a boulder up a hill.

Two weeks ago we gave him 30 days to find a new house.  I thought that would make the situation easier for everyone, but it was just made it worse.  I have done everything I could to make it work — including bringing moving boxes to them and delivering paperwork to where it needed to go to keep the loan moving forward.  Nothing was appreciated.

I’m done.

It is hard to let go of the house and the plans we had made.   The house was move-in ready except for the kitchen. We had bought back splash and picked out flooring for the kitchen   It wasn’t a major renovation, but the frig and stove needed to be reconfigured because our frig didn’t fit and the half dead dishwasher needed to be removed.  I didn’t want a new dishwasher (what I really want is someone to clean my bathroom!) because I like to do the dishes.  I was so excited to have my own office.

It wasn’t meant to be.  😦

I didn’t write my blog post yesterday because I wanted to give myself time to let the dust settle and process what happened.  I let my feelings come to the surface.  I cried and I realized something…

I didn’t listen to myself.  I didn’t listen to the flashes of intuition that popped into my head every so often.  Usually I’m a happy person, but in one of my flashes I realized I was angry almost every day.  I ignored those flashes because I wanted it to work.  I didn’t want to give up hope.  I didn’t want to start the process of looking for a house all over again so I just kept hanging on.

Dumb.

It seemed like every day I did something to make the loan move forward and I was losing myself.  I didn’t have time to do the things that I wanted to — like write.  I wasn’t spending as much time on my blog as I wanted to.  We weren’t spending weekends at the trailer because we were packing or we had to come back early because we had to send an amendment or do something.  I was losing myself in the process.

Yes, I’m sad that we didn’t get the house, but I’m jumping up and down because I don’t have to deal with the seller anymore.  Yeah for me.

I’m taking a vacation day on Friday and we are going to the trailer for the weekend.  I’m going to sit in a lawn chair and read and write and do what I want to.

I got my life back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divine Guidance…How Does It Work?

“Dad, if you want me to move you’ll have to find us a house.  We have looked and there’s nothing out there,” I said to my deceased father one Thursday night after work.

My dad hated the fact that I lived next to low income apartments.  He would ask, “Doesn’t it bother you coming home to a empty house while Steve is on the road?”  That was four years ago and it really didn’t bother me to come home.  The people in the apartments didn’t bother me.   Once in  great while it would bother me (depending on what tv show I watched) but not enough to worry about anything.

Now, four years later, it bothers me to be alone.  There’s drug deals going on next door and the cops are there almost a lot.  I want to move.  We’ve been looking for a house for the last six months and we have found nothing that fit us.  That’s why I was asking for my dad’s help.  Why not ask for a little help from up above?

I met my husband for breakfast the next morning at a local restaurant we frequent.  We were looking at Realtor.com when one of my favorite waitresses asked if we were looking for a house.

“Why?”  We asked in unison.  We were really getting bummed out about not finding a house.  The market is booming in our area.  Houses are being sold even before the get listed and getting over the list price.   It’s crazy.

“I have a house for sale,” She said and proceeded to tell us about it.

I thought to myself,  “Damn, Dad.  You’re good.”  I took it as a sign.

My husband looked at it that afternoon and I looked at it the next day.  We both loved it so we signed a contract to purchase it.  There was such a awesome vibe in that house…. like love flowed through it.   I felt it as soon as I walked in the door.  It reminded me of the apartment that my aunt and uncle had in Chicago.   The cool vibe was another reason why I thought we should buy it.

On the day of the home inspection there was a cardinal in the back yard.  My best friend, Mary, who passed away ten years ago loved cardinals so I took it as another sign that we were supposed to buy the house.

Things haven’t gone so well since then.  The sellers are moving to a different state and are having trouble finding a house.  The first deal didn’t go through.  It’s been a rough ride.  I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.   I thought because my dad picked out the house it would be a smooth ride.  I thought we had divine intervention, but now I feel like walking away.

I feel like walking away from the deal because the seller called us yesterday morning and blamed us and our bank for all of the problems they have been having.  His true colors came out yesterday and we didn’t like what we saw.   Now I realize why they are having problems with their realtor and seller on their end.

I keep asking myself  “What am I suppose to learn from this?”  The only good thing I can think of  is that my husband and I have grown closer and I love him more than I ever have.    We really communicated through this whole ordeal and have worked together to do everything we could to make this deal work.  I was really looking forward to living in this house with my husband.  This house made him happy and I like seeing him happy.

I know it’s probably stupid, but in a way, if we walk away from this deal I feel like I’m letting my dad down.  Maybe I’m not letting him down.  Maybe there is a higher purpose of this house deal than I realize right now that him and Mary can see, but I can’t.

Sometimes I wish that we could push fast forward and know the future.  I could see the house that we are suppose to buy so I can be on the lookout for it.

Who knows….maybe we are suppose to stay in the house we rent for awhile.

I believe that our loved ones guide us/help us from the other side.  I also believe that we all have a path we are suppose to take and things we have to learn in this lifetime.  I just wish I knew what our path was with this house.

I smelled cigarette smoke today and there was a cardinal that landed on a chair near the fire pit where I could see her in plain view so I know my dad and Mary are around me.  I just wish they were here in human form for me to talk to.

I guess all I can do right now is take a deep breath and let it go.  If we are suppose to buy the house everything will work out and if it doesn’t work on we need to put on our big girl and boy pants and walk away.

Wish me luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth of July = grateful heart

The 4th of July always makes me teary eyed and very grateful for what I have.

Let me share with you what I am grateful for on this 4th of July:

I am grateful for my husband, my family, my in-laws and friends.  I am very lucky to have these people in my life.  They support us, guide us, and are there for us whenever we need them and for this I am grateful.

I am grateful for the four day holiday weekend the great company I work for gave me. It was very gracious of them to give us a floating holiday for Monday so that we could have a four day week.  I sure needed it!

I am grateful for the job that I have and the income it provides to have the things that I want and need.  I’m also grateful for the great friends that I have at work.  We are a tight knit group.  I couldn’t ask for better co-workers.

I am grateful I have the opportunity to write this blog, express myself and to share my story with people from all over the world and for them to share their story with me. Thank you!

I am grateful for the 5th wheel trailer and permanent campsite we have.  My brother has the campsite next to ours and my brother-in-law and his wife have the campsite next to my brother.  It’s close enough to  family and friends so that they can drive out  and share our weekend retreat with us.  I’m grateful for anti gravity lounge chairs.

I am grateful to have a nice ranch house with a beautiful back yard to rent and the upcoming house we are going to purchase.  Hopefully soon…..

I am grateful that I have a nice SUV to drive.  Today I drove back from the campsite alone — Journey blasting from my CD player  — along the Lake Michigan shoreline.  The views were gorgeous.  I love cruising!

I am blessed to live in the United States of America.  We have many freedoms other countries don’t and I try not to take my freedom for granted.  We are very fortunate and for that I am grateful.

God Bless the USA and all of the freedoms we have on this 4th of July.

I Pick Up Pennies

“Find a penny, pick it up, and all day you will have good luck” My dad would tell me he picked up a penny off of the ground.

Ever since I was little I remember my dad always picked up pennies and other coins and put them in his front pocket.  He always had change in his front left pocket.  I loved to listen to it jingle.  Every night he would empty his pocket and put the change into a decorative glass bottle.  My parents would use that money to go on vacation.

I would cringe as a teenager when my dad would check the coin return of a public phone or candy machine to see if anyone had left change in it and hoped nobody I knew saw him doing that.  I didn’t understand why he did that.  We weren’t poor.  We always had food on the table.  I just didn’t get it.

I started to save change when I was in high school.  I, too, had a decorative glass bottle (probably found at a garage sale) that I kept in the front left corner of my closet.  I could see my change bottle from my bed.  I was proud of my change.  “Dad, look at how much change I have!” I would say to him.   He would smile.  I picked up coins, too, but I didn’t dig in any coin returns.

30+ years later I still save my change.  My husband and I have a big Coke bottle bank that we put our silver coins in and a small Coke bank that we put our pennies in.  The big Coke bottle holds so much change we have to put it in two buckets when we take it to the bank.  We don’t use our change to go on vacation.  We use it as our emergency fund.

I even save our change when we go to Vegas.  I always have a plastic baggie in my purse and all our change comes home with us.  If someone leaves a ticket from a slot machine for a penny or seven cents I cash it in and put it in my change baggie.  So, in that way, I guess I am more like my dad than I realize.

I still pick up coins, but I look at it a little differently now.  Since my dad passed every time I pick up a coin I say “Hi Dad”.  For me they aren’t pennies from Heaven, they are coins from Heaven.  It’s my dad saying “hi” and letting me know he is with me.

I finally understand why he looked in those change returns.  It wasn’t because we needed money.  It was because it was free money and it added money to our vacation fund.  The more money that was in there the more stuff we could do.  I didn’t realize it then but my dad was teaching me a life long lesson.

Save your money.

And I do.  I have a cup in my truck that I put change in.  I have a small coin purse I keep change in at work.  My husband has a plastic coffee can in his semi.  We even keep our change at the trailer in a Coke straw holder we bought in Vegas.

Change is good!