Should I Get Something In Return For Being Nice?

“What are you getting in return?”  A coworker asked me when I told her we were giving the sellers of the home we are trying to purchase another month to find a house three states away because their deal fell through on the house they were going to purchase.

“Nothing,” I answered.

Her comment made me think.  Should we be getting something in return?  And if so, what would that something be?  A $100 gift card to Menards, Target or Kohl’s?  A cheaper purchase price?  New carpeting in the basement?

I never thought buying a house would be this difficult.  It has been a bumpy ride almost since day one, but we signed a contract to buy the house and I’m going to what I can do to honor that.

I was raised to be nice and to treat others like I want to be treated.  If someone needs help you help them.

Do we always need to get something in return for the good deeds we do?  I don’t think so.  Sometimes you don’t get something in return, but I think that down the road in some form you get compensated.  For example, you might buy a lottery ticket and win $100 or someone gives you something that you really wanted or need for free.

I believe in paying it forward.  I use coupons and coupon apps so I can donate food and household items to my church to go to the food bank.   Every year for our wedding anniversary we donate boxes of school supplies to the church for the grade school they sponsor.  I donate miscellaneous items to the local resale shop to raise funds for the animal shelter they work with.   I put money in people’s parking meters that are out of time so they don’t get tickets.

I don’t believe that every time I do something nice for someone that I deserve something in return.  I don’t believe this should be my focus.  I do good things for people makes me feel good.

I may be more a bitch and more demanding (Yes, I do want the house right now!) in this menopause part of my life, but I think it has softened me in ways.  I think I’m able to see the whole picture of things instead of just my point to view.  It’s easier for me to step back and look at what is going on on my side of this house deal, but to also to see what they are going through.  It can’t be easy for them to buy a house three states away, pack everything they own, secure jobs, etc.

I know the sellers are trying their hardest to make this move happen.  Could they have planned better?  Hell yeah!   But that’s the way life goes sometimes so when your handed lemons you have to make lemonade or try to.

Will we get something in return for the good things we’ve done to get this deal done?  I don’t know.  Maybe. If we do, we do and if we don’t, we don’t.  In the grand scheme of things does it matter?  Not really.  Maybe I feel this way because the house has a good vibe and we are willing to wait for it.  I feel that we have something to learn in that house.  That it has something to teach us.

For today I’m going to be grateful that I don’t have any errands to run for the house loan and I have the morning to myself.

And I have time to write my blog post. 🙂

I Really Hate Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to people is really hard for me.  It always has been.  I used to avoid it like the plague, but I’m getting better.

The reason I hate saying goodbye is that I cry.  I get all teary eyed and then I get embarrassed.  Even if I don’t know the person very well I still get teary eyed.  Everyone else can say goodbye, laugh, hug and joke around but I can’t.  I cry.   And I don’t know why.

I have had this problem since I was a little kid.  My parents wouldn’t let me watch the tv show Lassie (I know I am dating myself) because I would cry uncontrollably when Lassie couldn’t find his way home.  I have always felt this enormous amount of grief when I have to say good-bye to people.

I hate the fact that I can’t hold back my feelings.  I hate the fact that I get teary eyed when no one else does.  I get frustrated because I can’t explain how I feel or why.  I just get sad.  Then when I try to talk my voice cracks and sounds high pitched and this makes me uncomfortable.  I just hate the whole situation.

Today was one of my coworkers last day of work.  All day I felt that sadness.  The thing is is that I really don’t know her that well.  We aren’t close.  I like her.  She’s a nice person, but she’s not someone I would share a problem with because I don’t know her that well.  And then I get teary eyed when I say goodbye to her tonight……it doesn’t make any sense.  I don’t understand where that sadness comes from.

The more I put myself into the saying goodbye situation the better it gets and the more sadness I let go of.  I used to feel sad for weeks.  I would use my vacation or call in sick so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to someone.

It’s only since menopause/menopause has crashed into my life that I have had the guts to look into why I feel all of the sadness I do.  I have tried to talk to a counselor, but the sadness I feel is hard to explain so it really doesn’t get resolved.  It’s embarrassing to talk to coworkers because they tell me I should be able to hold it in and I can’t.  I try, but the tears come spilling out.

I have always dreamed about quitting my job and writing full time, but I don’t think I can face that last day of saying good-bye and not cry my eyes out.  I know this must seem really silly to some of my readers, but I have to be honest with myself and others. This is the way I feel, but I’m not all comfortable with it.  I can’t leave my job because I am afraid of crying (feeling all of that grief) on my last day so I stay put.

That’s so sad.

When my coworker left the building tonight she was smiling and waving “Catch ya on the other side.”  I was teary eyed by myself at my desk teary feeling totally frustrated with the way I was feeling.  Why can’t be like that?  Why can’t talk and laugh with people on their last day instead of being trapped by my sadness.

I know this post is way too emotional for a Friday night/Saturday morning, but I’m 52 years old and I need to figure this issue out for myself.   I think it’s time I deal with this issue so I can move on with my life and be the writer I dream of being.  I have a responsibility to myself to be the best person I can be and to live out my dreams.

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that right now and I need to figure out what to do to change it.






I Miss My Dad Today

I’m not a big fan of Father’s Day since my dad passed away two and a half years ago.  It’s not the same.  It hurts and I don’t know what to do to fill that void.

I never thought I would be the one to go to the cemetery to visit his crypt or to put flowers in the vase or hang a teddy bear on the vase, but I do.  I want the people that look at his crypt to know he was loved and that we visit to show our love.

Instead of spending time with him today I went to his crypt.  Even though it’s been two and half years I still get teary eyed.  I miss him so much.  I was daddy’s girl and now I’m without a daddy and I hate it.

Today when I kissed my hand and then touched my hand to his name on the crypt it sounded like a hollow knock.  For a brief moment I wondered if he would answer, but then I remembered where I was and that that wasn’t possible.

I wish I could open the crypt and give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I don’t doubt he’s around.  I can feel his presence.  When I smell cigarette smoke when no one else is around I know he’s with me.  I hated the fact that he smoked so now he’s picking on me from the other side with the smell I hate and he’s probably laughing about it.

I miss him.

I miss seeing him sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette.

I miss him joking around.

I miss him saying “Hey kid”.

I miss him asking me “How the big guy (my husband)?” when I walked in the front door.

I miss watching football with him.

I miss his hugs and his smile.

I miss my dad.  My life isn’t the same without him.

I miss him.

Every. Single. Day.

Father’s Day is the hardest day to get through because I know other people are spending time with their dad and I’m not.

When I walked around the campground this morning I saw a family with four small kids — two boys and two girls — and it brought me back to when I was young and my mom, dad, my two brothers, and my sister would go camping in our pop-up.

He was a good dad and a good man.  He taught me to smile, to be nice and to always give back.  And he taught me to shoot pool like a shark.  He had such a big heart and was a very giving man.

Happy Father’s Day Dad.   Thank you for all that I am and all you have given me.

I love you.

Try Acupuncture For My Menopausal Symptoms????

“You’re a bitch,”  My husband said angrily one day three years ago.  “And you need to do something about it.”

He was right.  I was a bitch.  I wasn’t the same woman he married eight years ago.  The sad thing was I had no idea what to do about it.   I was thrown right into perimenopause and I was drowning.

Six months prior to this I could feel my body changing.  I gained five pounds.  I was moodier than normal.  I talked to my doctor about this and he scheduled a test to find out how close I was to my period ending.  I wanted this test  a year earlier, but he wouldn’t give it to me.  He said I was to young to be in perimenopause.  The test results came back that I was at the very end of my having months periods . “I still don’t believe.  You’re too young.” He said to me.  I was 49 at the time.   He took me off of the  birth control I was taking because with my periods ending there wasn’t a chance of me getting pregnant.

That’s when everything went to hell.  The hormones in the birth control had kept me on a even keel and now that I didn’t have them in my system my life was hell.  I was only getting three or four hours of sleep a night.  During the night I got hot so I would throw the covers off and then I was cold so I would cover back up.  This went on all night long and I barely got any sleep.  Not sleeping made me crabby and hard to deal with.  And I was especially pissy about the weight gain.  Before this weight gain started creeping in, I was happy with my weight and feeling really comfortable in my skin.  Now my body was changing and I hated it!

I didn’t know what to do.  I tried several things at the health food store.  I think black cohash was one of them (that was three years ago and I can’t remember crap anymore).  I had always wanted to try acupuncture, but I hate needles so I never did.

I needed to do something and I needed to do something NOW.   After doing some research (thank God for the internet), I found a acupuncturist in my area and scheduled an appointment.

It took a month or two for the acupuncture to start working, but it was worth the wait.  My acupuncturist, Jamey, is awesome.  He listens and is very patient with me.  He answers any questions I have.  He is very knowledgeable and is easy to talk to.

It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.  I’ve been having the treatments for the last three years and I rarely have any night sweats or hot flashes anymore.  My moods are better.  I know when I start getting pissy it’s time for another treatment.

I recommend acupuncture for anyone in perimenopause.  I wasn’t sure about the needles, but they are so small that most of the time I can’t even feel Jamey insert them. We talk while he’s inserting the needles so I’m not focused on it.  It usually goes pretty smoothly.

Acupuncture saved me and my marriage!








I Love Books!

I love books!  I love to read.  I love the way a book feels in my hand.  I love to look at my book collection.  I love the fact that there is so many of them to choose from.

Books talk to me.  Some books strike a chord in me.  Buy me!  Read me!  They taunt me.  I can’t go into a bookstore without buying one.  Even when I’m in the airport boookstore and my carry-on is full, I am taking pictures of books I want to read when I get home with my phone.

I think I may be a book whore.

I have over a 100 books in my collection.  They vary in genre — fiction, romance, self-help, writing, weight loss and financial.  Louise Hay and Nora Roberts are my two favorite authors.

My love of books is a gift my mom gave me when I was little and she used to read to me before bed. I read all the way through grade school, middle school and high school and knew the school libraries very well along with our public library.  I was always bringing home books, but never read them all.  I still do this today when I go to the library.  I know I’m not going to read them all, but I still bring them home anyway.

Maybe it’s because inside I think the book will help me get closer to my dreams or fix something in my life.  Maybe give me a key to a door I feel is locked.  Maybe there is a part of my life that needs to be healed.  Or maybe I just need to get lost in someone else’s life for awhile.  It makes me appreciate my life more.

I have books in my office, in our bedroom, in the living room and in the basement. I buy them at bookstores, thrift stores and garage sales.

Do I have too many books?  Probably.  Will I read them all?  Probably not.  And this is ok.

I’m 52 and I deserve to have what I love surround me.

And I love books!





The 52 Lists Project

At the end of last year I ordered a book called The 52 Lists Project by Moorea Seal.  I bought it because I thought it was a plain book that you could write a list of what you wanted to accomplish every week of the year.  I thought that I could write weekly goals and at the year I could see what I accomplished.

The book, from the picture in a magazine, was hardcover and it was pretty.  I thought I could leave it on the coffee table and it wouldn’t be an eyesore.  Plus, it would be in front of me every day and easily accessible.

I am a lists person.  I make a list at work of what I want to get done after work and the next morning.  If I am running errands, I make a list a list of the places I need to go and what I need to do at each place or what I need to buy.  I know without the list I would forget to do/buy something.  I find the older I get the more forgetful I get so the list really helps.

The day the book came in the mail I ran out out to the mailbox and didn’t even wait til I was in the house to open it.  I was so excited to get started making my lists.  I held the book in my hand and I realized what I thought the book was about and what it really was about were two different things.

I stopped dead on the front step and stared at the cover.  It wasn’t a nice hardcover book to keep my lists in.   If it wasn’t a book to keep my lists in, what was it?

It is a lists book, but not to write your to do lists in.  It’s a beautiful book that makes you think of what is important.   For example — one week asks you to list the things that make your spirit feel free.    I wrote down — walks in the woods and on the beach, not being at work,  the weekends I spend at the trailer, our weekend trips to Las Vegas, writing, writing in my journal.  After making my list I realized that I wasn’t getting enough moments that made my spirit feel free and I needed to take steps to change this.

It makes you remember things you forget — successes you have had in your life, good times with family and friends and what makes you you.  It makes you think about your goals, the space you live in,  what direction you want your life to go in, what you enjoy doing and the way you life now.

For 52 weeks you are listing the positive things in your life.

I love the book.  It’s very uplifting and positive.  Plus, there is a Take Action step on bottom of every list page to give you a push to get you going.

I haven’t been very good at doing it every week.  I don’t know why.  It only takes fifteen or twenty minutes to do.  Maybe I’m not ready to look at that part of my life.  I don’t know.

I think in our fifties we need to start getting clear on who we are, what makes us tick and what we are put on this earth to do.  Our fifties are about taking the time to do what we love (if you’re not doing that already) instead of only making dollars.   It’s about getting rid of all of the stuff we hide behind and become our true selves.

It’s hard work, but definitely worth the effort.

I’m glad I bought the book.  I am a better person because of it.

Thanks Moorea for your beautiful book and for being you!!






Do I Push Money Away?

The Powerball Jackpot is 204 million.  Everyone is talking about this at work and what they dream about what they would do if they would win.  Buy a new house.  A new car.  Pay off their bills.  Cross items off of their bucket list.  Donate to their favorite charity.

Not me.

I think about the thousands of dollars I would have to pay in taxes.   I think about all the people who be asking (hounding) me for money and where I could hide to escape this.

Not exactly the kind of mindset that will draw a couple of millions dollars into my life is it?

I always do that.  I always think of the bad things that can happen instead of thinking of the good.

When I was in high school this way of thinking saved my butt many times.  My friends would suggest going to a party we weren’t suppose to go to.  I would think if I get caught this is what will happen — my dad is going to have my butt and I am going to grounded forever. I didn’t go to the party.  My friends were grounded but I wasn’t.

The funny thing (well it’s not funny – it’s actually kind of sad) is that this is the way I still think today and I realize that this behavior doesn’t serve me now.   I didn’t realize that this is the way I make decisions in my life and this is the way I live every day.  Not many good things are going to come into my life if I think of the bad things first.

What about the money area of my life?  Am I pushing away the 130 million because I think of the bad instead of the good?

You betcha.  Sad isn’t it?  How could I live 52 years on this planet without realizing this before?

I never realized I was doing this until I started reading a book by Jen Sincero called You are a Badass at Making Money.  I’ve only read the first chapter but she makes you think about the many good things can come from having money.  Instead of thinking about all of the negative things (like I have been doing) she focuses on the positive.  This is a new way of thinking for me.  I didn’t realize that I could think of money is a positive way.

What if I started to think about all of the good things that would happen if I let money come into my life?  What if I thought about all of the people I could help?  My family.  My husband’s family.  My church.  I could start of foundation of some sort.

I’ve always know that money has been waiting at my front door for me to let it in.  It’s always something that I have felt, but I have never been able to accomplish.  Maybe I can now.

I am going to go read some more of Jen’s book and write in my journal.

And go buy a lottery ticket.  🙂