I Am One Of Those People

“I don’t want to be one of those people,” I told my husband one day before my class to become a member of his church.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“One of those people who are go to church every Sunday because they are getting married and then once they are married they stop going to church.

Guess what?  I am one of those people.  The last time I was in church was two and a half years ago when my mother in law died.

I love my UCC church.  I feel at peace there.  My husband’s family is there.  Everyone treats me nice and makes me feel like I belong.  I feel closer to God there than I do anywhere else.

The thing is that I feel like a hypocrite when I am there.  I don’t believe in the same things that they believe.  I don’t believe after you die and go to Heaven that is all there is.  I see a bigger picture.  I believe in reincarnation, past lives and that we are here to fulfill a purpose in the greater scheme of things and when that purpose is filled we die.  We die, do whatever we need to do to prepare for our next life and go to our next life, if that is what we need to do.

When I was growing up, religion wasn’t forced down our throats.  My mom is Catholic, but stopped going to church when she married my dad.  I don’t remember my dad’s family talking about church when I was little.   I loved the fact that I didn’t have to get up and go to church on Sunday mornings.  I didn’t have to go to Sunday school and confirmation classes.  I watched cartoons or slept in on Sunday mornings.  Kids at school and in my neighborhood talked about church, but I really didn’t know what they were talking about.  My mom feels bad that she didn’t take us to church and help us develop that part of ourselves.  I’m glad she didn’t because then I could decide for myself what kind of religion, if any, I wanted in my life.

I’ve always been more spiritual, than religious.  I like to be open to different things.  I don’t want someone to tell me that I need to obey certain rules because I am a certain religion.  I don’t think anyone should be able to tell me that I have to be in church this many Sundays a month or that I have to give this amount of money.   To me, this is between God and I and no one else.  If I see something in another church of a different religion that interests me I should be able to go and experience that on a Sunday.  If I want to give money to a cause that touches me in some way I should give money to that instead of giving it to the church that week.  I am more of a free spirit that way.

I was in church this morning for my husband’s niece’s confirmation.   I always wonder if Rev. Roger can sense my beliefs when I shake his hand after the service.  Does he know I don’t believe everything that he believes?  Does he feel that something is off?  Sometimes I think that reverends are closer to God and have a different perspective of things than we do because they have studied religion for so long and are in church almost every day.  It’s almost like they know God better than we do because of the church.

There is a UCC church two blocks away from the new house.  I think I’m going to start going there if Steve leaves out on Sunday morning.  I can walk.   Since it’s in a farm community maybe I won’t have to dress up.  I can go to church when I want.

I learned this morning that this an area of my life that I would like to learn more about myself in.  Maybe explore different religions and go to different services in the area.  I don’t feel rounded in this area in my life.  I feel that maybe something is missing.  Something was definitely speaking to me this morning.  Nudging at me.  Maybe it was more of a feeling.  I would love to take some time and find out what that something  is.

Maybe it’s the next leg of my journey.

 

 

 

Gratitude Saturday

Today I’m going to follow LA (waking up on the wrong side of 50) and list the ten things I am grateful for.

1.    My husband’s “angels”.  The awesome men and women who help him while he’s out on the road.  I really appreciate the people who help truckers even when they don’t have to.  From the small things like people stopping traffic with their vehicle so the trucker can make a turn to the big stuff like the mechanics who take a later lunch so they can work on a truck so the drive can get back on the road.  Thank you all.  You are appreciated

2.    Tara, my real estate agent and Rebecca, my banker, who are working hard to make sure this house deal happens.  5 more days til we close.  So excited.

3.    That my niece wasn’t hurt in the car accident she was in.

4.    My husband and how hard he works.  He left this morning so he can be back in time for the final walk through of the new house on Thursday.  He’s missing his niece’s confirmation tomorrow and seeing people from out of state who have come to town for the confirmation.  I am very lucky to have him.

5.    My job.  Even though I’m not happy with the crap that goes on, I am very grateful that I have a great paying job and great coworkers.

6.    My blogging community.  I learn so much from all of you and from the new blogs I stumble across.  I appreciate all of you.

7.    The spring is finally on it’s way.  It was cold and windy as crap today, but I least there is light at the end of the tunnel.

8.    That the campground opens in a month.  I can’t wait to sit on the deck and write and/or lay on my floatie and relax.  This is what has kept me going this weekend.

9.    I learned how to upload pictures from my phone to my computer today.  Hopefully I will be able to post pics soon and I will post a picture of my floatie.  I love it!!!

10.   My husband, my family and my in laws.  They are an awesome group of people who definitely have their own quirks and love me and my quirks unconditionally.  I am loved and spoiled and well taken care of and for that I am extremely grateful.

 

 

QP Dilly Dilly

I have watched a lot of tv these last couple of weeks while being sick.  I kept seeing the “Dilly Dilly” Bud Light commercials.  I didn’t get it.  Dilly Dilly.  What the hell does that mean? I thought I was the only one who didn’t know what those two words meant.

I googled it.  It turns out that “Dilly Dilly” doesn’t mean anything.  According to Anheuser-Busch InBev Chief Marketing Officer Miguel Patricia “I think we all need our moments of nonsense and fun.  I think that “Dilly Dilly” in a way represents that.”

I feel better now that I know that “Dilly Dilly” means absolutely nothing.  It’s nice to know that even CMO’s can have fun.  Thanks Miguel.  I will be saying these two words more often.

Dilly Dilly, my friends.  Dilly Dilly.

 

 

Shit Happens

I did something really stupid today.  I’m embarrassed to tell my story, but everyone makes mistakes and nothing bad happened.  It could have been bad, but luckily for me someone upstairs was looking out for me.  I’m grateful for that today.

I’ve been sick all week with one of the viruses that have been going around.  I went to the doctor on Monday because the wheezing in my chest scared the crap out of me.  My doctor told me it was a virus and it would run it’s course.  Monday I called in sick to work.  My doctor said Tuesday I took a vacation day.  My chest was better but my nose wouldn’t stop running.  Yes, I was taking cold medicine, Mucinex, Delsym, rubbing myself in Vick’s and sucking on cough drops.  Wednesday I worked 10 hours and thought I was going to die.  I couldn’t breathe.  My face was all red from blowing my nose on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yesterday I called in sick.  I felt a little bit better, but I wanted to rest.  Normally I wouldn’t call or take vacation but my husband was home on and off all week and I didn’t want to him sick with this virus because he had all of his teeth pulled today.  If he was sick they wouldn’t pull his teeth and he really needed it done for health reasons.

Last night was the first night since Sat. night that I didn’t take any cold medicine.  I felt kinda off kilter because of all of the medicine I took, but I was confident that I could drive him home, grab his prescriptions and take care of him the rest of the day.  I would take a nap later on that afternoon.  I was fine until the called me in the recovery room and the nurse showed me how to fold the gauze and place it on his gums.  I almost puked when she took the old gauze out and showed it to me.  It was all bloody and gross.  She talked me thru all of the stuff I would have to do.  Pain meds, foods he could eat, antibiotics, and time intervals for changing the gauze.  The ice packs.  I can’t forget the ice packs.

After we were done I went to get the truck.  His truck.  The truck I don’t drive all of the time.  I know I’m making excuses, but hear me out.  As I’m driving up to the door all of the instructions are running around in my head and I see him sitting in a wheel chair.  I’m thinking I need to get out of the truck and go to passenger and get him settled in.  I get out of the truck and it starts rolling backward.  I screaming for someone to help me.  I’m looking at all of the cars I’m going to hit if this truck doesn’t stop.  I’m panicking.  I’m reaching over (no i didn’t think about jumping back in the truck on stepping on the brake) to grab the shifter.  I don’t know if I stopped the truck or if it was something my husband did, but somehow the truck stopped.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I felt it was.  I haven’t talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t said anything.  I don’t know if he even remembers.  I feel horrible that he had to get out of the wheel chair after getting all of teeth pulled to help his wife because she didn’t put the truck in park.  Obviously all of the cold meds I took during the week didn’t make me competent to drive.  It was the first time in my life that anything like that has happened.  I still feel like a dumb ass.  Maybe it was seeing the blood and knowing I had to replace the gauze every 15 minutes that got me in a funk.

No one got hurt.  My husband is doing fine.  I am fine.  I was a little shook up this morning.  I kept apologizing for being a dumb ass, but he knows how sick I was this week.  I didn’t damage the building, grass or anyone’s vehicle.  All is good.  The only damage I did do is to my pinkie finger.  It must have got caught it  in between the shifter and the steering wheel or something as I tried to get the shifter into park because it is black and blue and hurts like hell.  And now that I think about it I need to give myself some credit.  At least I ran after it instead of standing there and watching it crash into the building or some cars.  This makes me feel a little bit better.

Shit happens.  It’s called being human.  I have to learn from the incident and move on.  It was a fluke thing.  I was sick.  And I need to forgive myself and call it a day.

If only it were that easy.  I still think I’m a dumb ass and probably always will. I can’t believe I did something that stupid and irresponsible.  I know better than that.

That’s my story.

 

 

 

 

I’m Back

Hi everyone.   My computer is fixed.  I thought it would be finished before we left on vacation but it wasn’t.  My step daughter turned 18 a couple of months ago so we took her to Vegas for couple of days.  Shorts and t-shirts for three days.  After that brutal cold that we went through the warm weather was heaven.

I can’t wait to start posting again.  While I was in Vegas I wrote everyday for an hour.  I wrote two blog posts on the plane to Vegas and reread and edited the first chapter of my romance novel on the way back.  I started my romance novel about 13 years ago.  I finished the first draft and started to edit it but never finished.  I felt it was missing something but I didn’t know what.  Last week while i was at work I realized what it was missing.  Becca, my lead character, lost her father when she was 12.  I tried to describe it but it fell flat.  I didn’t know because I hadn’t lost my dad.  Now that I lost my dad I can better describe what she went through.  I can see her character develop now so I’m ready to edit it now.  Yeah!

I’m going to try to post more than my normal twice a week.   I have posts that i wrote while my computer was down that i want to share with you guys. Yesterday was my first day back to work.  We are still on mandatory 10 hours of overtime and 5 on saturday so I will post when I can.

Here’s to a great 2018!

Breathe In, Breathe Out And Let Go

When I was at work today I felt there was old emotions swimming around in my body that I needed to be let go of.  Old emotions from the past that I had stored in my body over the years.  I took a breathe in and as I released that breathe I pictured my shoulders opening and old, stagnant air coming out of my shoulders.  Normally I wouldn’t do this at work.  I would wait til I was at  home where it is quiet and I am alone, but I couldn’t.  The feelings keep pushing at my shoulders as if to tell me they needed to be released.

When I have this feeling and I’m at home, I lay on my back on my bed, close my eyes and ask what part of my body needs to let go of something.  I visualize that part of my body opening and whatever needs to come out comes out.  For example:  in the past I have visualized  thick chains and bowling balls coming out from around my heart and briefcases have come out of the top of my head.  I believe the chains are from past relationships and the bowling ball is from the bowling alley where my first love and I hung around at while we were dating.  I have no idea what the briefcases mean, but that’s ok.  I don’t worry about what comes out.  If it’s ready to come out then I am more than happy to let it out whatever it is.  I may remember the significance of the item later on in my daily activities.  I may not.

Today I felt old, stagnant air coming out of my shoulders.  This doesn’t surprise me.  The air coming out of my shoulders was probably the aftermath of remembering my past hurts.  Last week I was thinking about creating a menopause calendar and over the weekend I was working on a drawing for the month of February.   When I think of February I think of Valentine’s Day, love and hearts.  Usually I think of a big, red heart.  Not over the weekend.  Instead of drawing a happy heart, I wanted to put on paper what sad events happened in my life and how my damaged heart might look like at this point in my life.   My heart was bigger on one side than the other and it wasn’t perfect in shape.  Fat and skinny black lines made up the outer wall of my heart.  My heart had a jagged gap from the top left corner of my heart almost to the bottom of the other side from the death of my dad.  About half of the gap had grey duct tape holding it together.  A small section at the bottom of the gap had healed and was a light pink.  In the left hand corner there was a light, brownish mark with red dots poking through that was left from when my mom had breast cancer.  My mom’s cancer was caught early and she is fine, but it still left a stain on my heart.  The pink dots show that the stain is fading and parts of my heart are poking thru.  Part of my heart is gone on the bottom right side from when my first love broke up with me.  There’s a band aid in another area from all of the times I was bullied.  There’s five or six areas on my heart that are black x’s that look like stitches for all of the times I was hurt and didn’t fully recover.

I was thinking about a serious theme for the calendar.  The menopause calendars I have seen in the past were humorous.  I don’t want to create a humorous calendar.  I want it to be a thought provoking calendar that has a different theme every month.  I think one of the main themes of menopause is that makes us look at the places in our lives that are not working and that need healing.  We need to remember the events that happened in our lives that we may have forgotten about and heal these areas because we probably still carry around the pain.    I wanted to draw my heart to see what areas came up for me that need to be healed/dealt with.  The two areas were: being bullied as a kid and the death of my dad.  I have dealt with being bullied a little bit.  A couple of years ago my neice was being bullied and I cried as I shared my story with her.  I know I just hit the tip of the iceburg and there are still issues that I need to deal with.   I know I have self esteem issues that stem from being bullied that hinder certain areas of my life.  And my dad’s death.  That’s something I will deal with every day for the rest of my life.  It’s not a bad thing.  It just is. It doesn’t get easier.  I still cry.  I think I am used to my dad being gone.  Will I ever heal completely?  I doubt it.

I know to some people visualizing emotions/things coming out of my body may seem odd.   It was at first to me, too.  I do it because I believe my body knows when it needs to let something go and this is the only way I know how to let it go.  I want/have to keep moving forward and growing and in order to do this I need to let those feelings go.  I believe that we hold our past in both in material things outside of our bodies and emotionally on the inside of our bodies.  We store past memories, good and bad, in certain areas of our bodies.  Just as we need to purge our homes of things we no longer have room for or no longer need or want, we need to do the same for our emotional selves.  We need to release those old hurts and negative feelings so that we can move forward.   I think the more healed we are the more good things, people and experiences we are able to let in.

One of my goals for 2018 is to work on my self-esteem issues and let all of that old crap out of my body so I’m not dragging it out around anymore.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Let.

I think this should be one of my mantras for 2018 because a girl can’t be on fire if she’s dragging all of that stuff from the past around can she?