Author: chrissy

Stop being who you were and become who you are. — Paulo Coetho

I love this thought because how many of us are dragging the past behind us wondering why we aren’t becoming who we want to be?

What if we let go of the past and welcome today with open arms?

I bet lots of beautiful stuff.

We just have to trust. I know. Easier said than done. If only trust were that easy. Its alot easier to hang onto something than to to get out of our comfort zone.

Sometimes we have to jump out of our comfort zones to get what we want in life. Even if it hurts. Even if it uncomfortable. Even if we don’t know what we are doing.

We just have to. I

Being courageous makes us stronger. Better. Open to receive what we want.

Alive. It makes us live. Whi doesnt want to be alive and flowing through life instead of stagnant and sitting in front of 5he 5v wondering why things dont change.

This is what I’m thinking about while I’m sitting outside in the shade while I get my tires rotated. Its absolutely beautiful. There is a gentle breeze blowing. I am calm.

Deep shit to think about on a beautiful spring day.

“Money or memories” The new girl said before she walked out the door at lunch. “I’m choosing memories.”

She left at lunch, knowing she would lose a half a days pay today and part of her holiday pay. She didn’t care. It was more important for her to make memories.

Making memories is great. But does it pay the bills? No. Does it put money in your savings account for a rainy day? No. Does it leave your supervisor with a warm, fuzzy feeling about your work eithic? No.

I get it. She just turned 21 and she wants to party with her friends at their cabin 2 hours away.

For me the word that is missing from the equation is responsibility. A word that is more important than money or memories.

Responsibility. I think she has a responsibility to be at her job. Every day. That is why they pay you. You made a commitment with the company to be there every day and you should honor that.

To leave early is irresponsible. And the kicker is is that she’s only been working at the company 3 months.

Awesome work ethic.

The thing that grinds me is that the company has given us Monday off with pay but that must not be enough days to party.

The 2nd kicker is that she didn’t even know the meaning of Memorial Day. A coworker had to explain it to her.

So she left work early to make memories on a holiday weekend she knew nothing about until today.

I shake my head and wonder how kids like this survive.

And that’s why she gets the dumb ass award today.

About 10 months ago Cynthia from Making Peace With The Wrong Side Of 40 wrote about how she was done putting up with people’s crap in her blog post titled It Ends Today.

At the end of her post she asked if anyone wanted to join her. Duh? Does she even have to ask? Of course I would join her.

For whatever reason I didn’t post my answer because I found notes and a half written post on a sheet of paper in a pile of papers when I was going through notes for my novel.

I’m going to finish it today.

In the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I want to be treated a lot lately.

Here’s what I am done with:

People who don’t respect me but think I should respect them.

People who don’t encourage me or support me to be the best person I can be.

People who want me to do what they want me to do but don’t care about what I want to do.

People who put my interests last

People aren’t honest with me.

People who don’t make time for me.

People who don’t bring me joy.

People who don’t make me happy/laugh.

People who don’t encourage me change and grow.

Being nice to people who aren’t nice to me.

Giving my time to people who don’t give me theirs.

Helping people who don’t help me.

Looking out for people’s well being that dont give a shit about mine

Being sympathetic to people who would rather sit in their own shit than grow and change to make their lives better.

There. I feel better.

Menopause has woken up a part of me that has been sleeping for a long time. I don’t put up with people’s crap anymore.

Since reading her post I have realized that I have kept some of my needs and wants inside for too long. Not talking about them or owning them or even realizing they were there.

I rarely talk about what I need or want. I put everyone else before me. Work. My husband.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t hide because my wants and needs matter. They are important to me and they deserve a voice.

But the problem I’m having is how do I tell people what I want and need matter after keeping it quiet for so long?

For example: my husband and I are fighting. He doesn’t express anger on the day it happened instead he holds it all in for who knows how many instances and something little happens six months later and he goes off.

Usually it’s not a big deal. I give him a couple days too cool down and every goes back to normal. I’ve suggested counseling to deal with the source of his anger and find out what his trigger points are but he won’t go.

Anyway…

This time it was a big deal deal. After it happened I just shut down. I havent spoken to him. I was having a hard time putting a finger on way I was so angry. That’s not like me at all and I was having a hard time dealing with it.

What it boils down to is I need him to treat me better when he is angry. He needs to express his anger me on the day he is mad. He needs to own his anger and deal with it and stop carrying it around.

After 16 years this is the first time I have been able to put this into words. What I need from you is….

I feel I’m in the cacoon stage of finding out who I really am. What I want to do and how I feel among other things. I’m not ready to fly yet but I’m totally ready to let the Caterpillar part of myself go.

I took the day off today to let things settle and go exploring. There’s a library I want to check out. I’m going to go to a design center where they make toilets and bathtubs. Their showroom is amazing. I’m going to go to some cute little shops I love. I’m going to eat food I love.

I’m going to pamper myself today.

And then I might call my husband and start to explain why I shut down. It’s going to be a long conversation. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for that today but I’ll try.

I dont know how he will react but I’ll try. I’m not backing down. I’m not sugarcoating it. I’m just going to speak from my heart and let him know how i feel. This is what I want and need. This is how I expect to me treated.

This is the new me. Take it or leave it.

I’m done.

Why do I love my mom? Let me count the ways…..

She’s always there when I need her. No matter what time of the night or day.

She has exceptional listening skills.

Her ability to know what I need — even when I dont.

Her kind heart.

Her patience.

Her hugs.

Her love.

That she was (and still is) right about most things — even though I dont like to admit it.

That she gives me Mother’s Day cards even though I’m not a mom and she wishes I was because she has always wanted more grandkids.

Her giving heart.

Her grace.

Her ability to stay strong no matter what is going on.

Her ability to focus on the positive side of things and not let the negative get her down.

She loves to go for walks.

She supports me in whatever I do.

She loves me.

I’m sure I’m missing things, which I will remember once I hit publish.

My mom is one of a kind. They broke the mold after they made her.

I am extremely lucky to have her as my mom and I am very grateful.

I read somewhere on some money making website that people were selling empty toliet paper rolls for big money. When I looked on ebay I found that 100 empty rolls were going for around $20 bucks. I guess people use them for crafts projects, to put around cords instead of using zip ties and other things.

It seemed easy enough to make some extra cash and so I thought I would try it. Everytime I would empty a roll I would put it in a box in the closet. My mom also saved them for me.

Last week when I grabbed the vacuum out of the closet, I noticed that the box was overflowing. When I got home from work that night I went through the toliet paper rolls. Out of over 200 only 60 were good. The rolls on ebay looked perfect so I went for perfection too.

I never realized that toliet paper rolls had a raised part half the size of an eraser on it usually with a hole in and on some rolls where all of the paper didnt come off. So those weren’t usable.

I decided instead of listing them on Ebay I would put them on Marketplace and see what happened.

Big mistake. I didnt realize that there would be so many haters out there. I received so many mean messages. Are fucking crazy? That’s sick thinking. Just throw them away. I have a empty bag of chips so you think I can get money for that too? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Not very nice comments.

There were a couple of interested people. The haters responded to them too. What’s wrong with you that you want to buy these? Are you dumb? What could possibly use them for?

Do the haters just look for stuff on marketplace to put negative comments on? Don’t these people have a life? Or any feelings? Or respect for other people? Why are they so quick to judge what others are doing?

I responded to their hate. I wrote: to all the haters. I sold the rolls to a lady who is going to use them with her five grandchildren to do crafts this summer. Win. Win. Thanks for your kindness and support.

No comment from any of them.

What I really wanted to write is: hey you narrow minded small briained mother fuckers who spew hate and negativity into the world fuck you. I don’t understand why you feel you need to share your stupidity with everyone. You’re probably as dumb as your comments and don’t get what you are doing is wrong. I can sell whatever I want to. Kiss my ass…..

Ok I feel better.

My answer to the haters was a work of fiction. Ok. Lie. I didnt sell them but I wanted to show them just because they dont agree with something doesn’t mean they have to hate it and it can be a good thing even if they dont see it as such.

I deleted the post. I didn’t want to deal with the negativity and hateful thoughts. I didn’t want the people who may have been interested to get harassed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read the comments, but I was excited that I had 14. I rarely get any. I never expected them to be negative.

I’m proud of myself for trying something new even though it was a flop. Some things work and some things don’t. You have to keep trying.

Dont let the haters get to you and bring you down. Rise above it and keep moving forward and leave the haters behind. You don’t need them or their small thinking.

Look for positive people who will be in your corner.

There was one person who stood up for me. She wrote: If you people aren’t interested in buying something then move on. There’s no reason to leave such hateful comments. It’s such grade school behavior.

I thanked her. She was my bright spot amongst the haters.

In life, I want to be that bright spot, too, amongst the haters.

We should all try to be the bright spot.

My birthday is tomorrow and I dont feel like celebrating it this year. I’ve told my family and my husband that I don’t want any presents. All I want is a nice dinner with my husband.

Now if it were someone else’s birthday I’d be running around looking for the perfect gift and thinking about what I could do to make their birthdy special.

Then a thought ran through my head….

Why am I not doing this for myself?

Why am I not giving myself the same time and attention as I would give someone else? Why don’t I think am I special? Or deserving of a nice birthday?

Does anyone else do this?

One thing I have realized as I purge my stuff is that I dont feel deserving. Deserving of love, wealth, and just over all good things happening to me. I block these things from my life and when good things do happen to me I shrug it off so I dont bring attention to myself. I tell people I just got lucky.

I’ve been writing in my journal about this lately. This is definately an issue for me right now. It probably has been my whole life. I blame this on my mother. My two younger brothers were both labeled “learning disabled” in grade school and thru high school. It was never said but I felt it was implied that I was never to do anything great because it would make my brothers feel bad because they weren’t capable of these things because they were learning disabled.

Bullshit.

I feel like crying right now because my whole life I have believed this deep down in my soul and never realized it. As adults, my brothers are far from learning disabled. They are smart and fully functioning adults who are more then capable of learning anything they want.

This belief has hindered me in so many ways.

Growing up I always felt I would have a lot of money. I still feel that way. Like it’s something I’m suppose to do in this lifetime. I dont want the money to be rich and famous. I want it to help people. In my 20s I wanted to open an self help/recovery bookstore where people could come in, talk to others and read. Maybe I would have some classes available. I wanted to help people heal.

Memories….I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I think as I purge more of my real self is coming to the surface and its ‘s a very good thing.

I’ll be 54 tomortow and I’ve been thinking about what I want to do now and into my retirement. Job wise, health wise, friend wise , where I want to live and who I want to be.

I think this blog has given me a good starting point. Helping people.

This is definately not how I expected this post to end. Sometimes I think these posts are more like journal entries, written for me more than you. I start out with something I’ve been thinking about and out of nowhere this comes out on the page and I am in awe. Yes, like today, some of it is painful, but something I need to know and deal with to be able to move forward.

I feel lighter now that I realize a little of what is holding me back.

This entry is very raw and part of me doesnt want to hit publish bcause I don’t want people to see that part of me. If I want to help people, which is part of the reason why i started this blog, then I have to hit publish because maybe this post will help someone or touch someone who needs it.

What I really want for my birthday is to sleep in and not do a darn thing but watch tv and eat.

And maybe to get a pedicure. With hot rocks and warm towels…..

Today is the perfect day to tell what I am grateful for.

1. My family. My brother, sister, niece, stepdaughter had brat patties, hamburgers and potatoes and asparagus on the grill at my brothers house (not the angry one). It was yummy. While my brother got the food ready, my sister and I raked up branches and leaves in his front yard

2. My husband. He had to leave out yesterday so he didn’t get to spend easter with us. It sucks but he works hard and we will spend a full weekend at the trailer next weekend.

3. My job. Because of Good Friday we had a three day weekend. On Friday Steve and I had supper with his brother and his wife and another couple we are going to vegas with in October. I did get to see him one night. Thanks to my employee for giving us Good Froday as a holiday

4. Shopping. My niece had off school on Friday so we went shopping for a couple of hours. It was so nice to get some one on one time with her.

5. Marketplace and the consignment shops. I have met a lot of good people and made a new friend selling my stuff. It makes me believe that are still good people in the world. Plus I’ve made over $400. Money that I put toward payong off our new furnace. And air conditioner. Yeah.

6. Fresh air and sun. It was 53 and sunny yesterday and 63 and sunny today. I raked all three days. It was so nice to breathe in fresh air and to feel the sun on my face. I was going to put on shorts today but then I would have had to shave my legs and that seemed like too much work….

7. My purge. I sold a set of dishes today. I will write a post about this at a later date. It was hard because they meant a lot but I cant justify holding onto something or things I’m not using. No matter how much the items meant. 28 items gone.

8. Alone time. Even though I wish my husband was home, I’m grateful for the alone time. I’m still purging so the alone time is great to go through my stuff at my own pace. Right now I have a mess in my living room but I’ll have it cleaned up/gone thru by the time he gets home.

9. Having our bed to myself. I’m lying in bed as I type this. Tonight I’m glad I am alone. I’m missing my dad and kinda sad. Holidays do this to me. I can read or do whatever I want tonight without having to worry about waking him up.

10. You guys. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. It means a lot.

Happy Easter everone!

I found a bee in my house this morning.

I killed it. Sorry to those people who believe in all living things should live, but if it can sting me it has to die.

It’s the last thing I expected to see in my house this morning, but it’s a sign that spring is coming.

Snow one day and a bee the next.

Who knew?

Let’s hope the bees aren’t sharing my house with me. That would be bad and not the way I expect spring to start.

I’m afraid to go to bed tonight because I don’t want to wake up to a bee buzzing in my ear and possibly getting stung.

I know. I’m a wuss.

It snowed on and off today.

I spent the day napping and marking garage stuff. I didnt take a shower til 4pm and that was only because I wanted to get something to eat. No one delivers out here.

I’ve been taking it easy these couple weeks and not posting a lot. Purging has taken a lot out of me and I needed some down time to process what I was losing and what I was gaining.

Purging has been a great experience. My life has changed. I would like to think I’m a better person. I’m more open and know what I want.

I think I hung onto some of the stuff to keep me from going after what I wanted. I think I was hiding because I didn’t feel good enough or have the talent.

I’ll share more with you about this in upcoming posts.

Have a great day! 😊❤

The grass needs me to walk on it.

The birdfeeders need me to fill them.

The trees need me to touch them.

The dead branches need me to pick them up and put them on the burning pile.

I need to feel the sun on my face.

I need to breath in fresh air.

I need to check for new buds and other signs of summer coming.

I need to talk to my yard and reconnect because it was a long, long winter.

I need to be outside because its going to be 51 degrees outside!!!!