Feeling Deserving

My birthday is tomorrow and I dont feel like celebrating it this year. I’ve told my family and my husband that I don’t want any presents. All I want is a nice dinner with my husband.

Now if it were someone else’s birthday I’d be running around looking for the perfect gift and thinking about what I could do to make their birthdy special.

Then a thought ran through my head….

Why am I not doing this for myself?

Why am I not giving myself the same time and attention as I would give someone else? Why don’t I think am I special? Or deserving of a nice birthday?

Does anyone else do this?

One thing I have realized as I purge my stuff is that I dont feel deserving. Deserving of love, wealth, and just over all good things happening to me. I block these things from my life and when good things do happen to me I shrug it off so I dont bring attention to myself. I tell people I just got lucky.

I’ve been writing in my journal about this lately. This is definately an issue for me right now. It probably has been my whole life. I blame this on my mother. My two younger brothers were both labeled “learning disabled” in grade school and thru high school. It was never said but I felt it was implied that I was never to do anything great because it would make my brothers feel bad because they weren’t capable of these things because they were learning disabled.

Bullshit.

I feel like crying right now because my whole life I have believed this deep down in my soul and never realized it. As adults, my brothers are far from learning disabled. They are smart and fully functioning adults who are more then capable of learning anything they want.

This belief has hindered me in so many ways.

Growing up I always felt I would have a lot of money. I still feel that way. Like it’s something I’m suppose to do in this lifetime. I dont want the money to be rich and famous. I want it to help people. In my 20s I wanted to open an self help/recovery bookstore where people could come in, talk to others and read. Maybe I would have some classes available. I wanted to help people heal.

Memories….I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I think as I purge more of my real self is coming to the surface and its ‘s a very good thing.

I’ll be 54 tomortow and I’ve been thinking about what I want to do now and into my retirement. Job wise, health wise, friend wise , where I want to live and who I want to be.

I think this blog has given me a good starting point. Helping people.

This is definately not how I expected this post to end. Sometimes I think these posts are more like journal entries, written for me more than you. I start out with something I’ve been thinking about and out of nowhere this comes out on the page and I am in awe. Yes, like today, some of it is painful, but something I need to know and deal with to be able to move forward.

I feel lighter now that I realize a little of what is holding me back.

This entry is very raw and part of me doesnt want to hit publish bcause I don’t want people to see that part of me. If I want to help people, which is part of the reason why i started this blog, then I have to hit publish because maybe this post will help someone or touch someone who needs it.

What I really want for my birthday is to sleep in and not do a darn thing but watch tv and eat.

And maybe to get a pedicure. With hot rocks and warm towels…..