My husband and I took our change the we had been saving for the last two years to the credit union to cash it in. My husband wheeled it into the credit union in my yellow garden wagon. There were funny looks and some whistles. It took almost forty-five minutes to run it through the change machine. End the end we had over two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars. Holy crap!!!
On the way to work I was all smiles and very happy. I was proud of my husband and I for saving that much. But as the day wore on my good mood faded and doubt and worry kicked in. I wondered if I deserved to have that much money. Why I was wondering this I don’t know. It’s been our money all along — we just didn’t know how much was in the containers. Then I wondered what if something happens and I loose it all? Why I was thinking this I don’t know. We had the change in the house and something could have happened, but didn’t.
Negative thoughts. Fear. Negative thoughts. Fear.
Then I thought — I’m 52 years old and I deserve to have a lot of money. Why can’t I have over two thousand dollars and feel good about it? Screw good — what about feeling GREAT????!!!!!
Honestly, I’ve had a problem with letting money into my life my whole life. I never thought I deserved it or was worth it. I’ve always wanted a lot of money, but I have always wanted to stay small and not attract any attention to myself and my talents. I don’t know where the idea of staying small comes into play. Maybe it comes from being bullied when I was a kid. Maybe I felt if I didn’t draw attention to myself then I wouldn’t be bullied??
I know if I want money I have to get big and let people see me and my talents. And then I will have to deal with my insecurities and everything else that comes up while I’m getting big.
On the flip side, that leads me to a whole bunch of questions. If I have a lot of money will my friends be my friends? Will people be jealous of me and/or hate me? Will people hound me for money? And the BIG question — do I deserve it?
How do I begin to think/feel that I deserve to have money? Do daily affirmations? Write in my journal about my insecurities? I’ve tried all of this before and it hasn’t worked for me. Wait. It has a little bit, but how do I find out what is truly keeping me from letting money in? How do I excavate whatever belief(s) I have from deep within me? This is what I have problems with. Over the years I have become a little wealthier, but not where I want to be. It’s been a slow process, but I have overcome some of my issues and danced around (but never fully embraced) the rest of my issues
I think menopause throws our issues and/or parts of ourselves onto the table and we have to deal with them – whether we want to or not. We don’t get a choice. Our issues bug us or haunt us until we deal with them and work through them. We have to learn to get out of our own way. We have to learn what we were put on this earth to do and give ourselves the love and space we need to figure it out.
I think finding our real selves is the part of menopause that is really hard. We have to find our real selves. We have to dig deep. We have to be gentle with ourselves and the people are around because as we change our relationships with the people around us change as well. Some people may not like this. They may feel threatened by it, but that’s not our problem. We can’t let this stop us from finding our true selves.
Something deep inside of me is stopping me from making/getting/having money into my life and this is the current issue I have to deal with. It’s what menopause threw on my table. It’s messy, ugly and probably mixed in with other issues I have to deal with, but so what. That’s life. I am a women going through menopause. I am an adult and adults deal with things. I’m scared to see what is really there, but I have to do it. I have to keep digging. I can’t let the issues from my past dictate my life and keep me from what I know I’m suppose to be doing and having money.
I have to find a way to let money into my life.
Thanks for reading this post and have a great day!