Saturday Morning

I worked last Saturday from 11 am to 4 pm.  I love working on Saturday because I have time to think.  There isn’t a lot of people work.  I can work by myself and not have to talk to many people.

One of my coworkers was sitting at a table alone labeling.  I didn’t want her to come over and sit at my table so I put a bunch of stuff on that side of the table to pretend I had a lot of stuff to get done.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone or look at anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.   I wanted to think about some chapter issues that I was having with my novel and decide on some character traits of a character in a menopause romance short story I am working on.  These issues have been dancing around in my head and Saturday was the perfect time to think about them.

Later on I was thinking about what I would say if she came over and asked if she could sit by me.  I would tell her that it was nothing personal but I didn’t want her to sit by me because I wanted to be alone.  Would I hurt her feelings?  Probably.

Why am I hurting her feelings by telling her what I need?  I am being honest.  This is what I needed at the time.  I need to be alone.  I could tell her that I would talk to her on Monday or maybe later when I feel like talking but right now I needed to be alone.

I was taught to be nice to people.  To put their needs above mine and not to hurt their feelings.

This shit needs to stop.

I will always try to be nice to people, but I need to stop putting people’s needs above mine.  I need to put myself first, but how do I get past all of the ingrained stuff in my head?  All of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

I’ve got to take it day by day.  One learning experience at a time.  And find what works for me.

I know I’m on the right path.  I just need to keep moving forward.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

 

Am I Being Selfish?

Yesterday I didn’t go visit my sister-in-law, L, in the hospital.

For the last twenty four hours I’ve been questioning myself if I did the right thing.

Let me rephrase that.  I know I did the right thing.  For me.  Is that selfish?

My husband and I spent from 10 am til 6 pm on Labor Day at the hospital where my sister-in-law had surgery.  She had several blood clots in her left leg.  It was a very serious situation.  She had another surgery on Tuesday and went home yesterday.

I just couldn’t go yesterday.  I know my limits.  We are on ten hours mandatory overtime.  The hospital is 45 minutes away.  I would have had to leave here by 9 am and be to work by 1 pm.  I gave myself four hours because of traffic and whatever else might happen.  If she would have been to the hospital in town I would have easily gone.

Honestly I have been dragging butt all week and I needed to sleep.

I did what was best for me.  Is that selfish?

It feels like it to me.  This is what I am struggling with lately.  As I try to figure out who I am after menopause, I feel more needy.  Not as in the whiny needs to a two year old (well some days…..), but as a woman coming into her own I am more aware of what my needs are now more than I ever have been.  That said, I am also aware of how I put my needs above other people’s needs.  Even my husbands.  There are certain situations where I tell him he has to fend for himself because I want to write or do what I need to do.

I put myself last a lot over the past 53 years of my life.

Putting myself first is new territory for me.  It feels weird.  When you put other people first you know what they need because they tell you.  When you put yourself first you actually have to know what you want and be able to put it into a sentence.  I want/need to sleep.  I want/need to write.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want.  I know I want something, but I can’t put it into words.  It’s just a feeling.

My husband and I will go visit L on Sunday.  I have to work from 11 am to 4 pm tomorrow.  My husband will be home late tomorrow night.

In a way I feel selfish, but I am also proud of myself.   I need to start taking better care of myself and saying no is part of that road.  It won’t always be easy.  It won’t always be fun, but it’s something I need to do for me.

I come first.  Not last.  My world is shifting.  My views are shifting.  I am shifting.

It’s about time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Sunday

There are a lot of things I am grateful for this week. Here’s the list.

1. Everyone that helped us this week with everything.

2. Our trailer. I needed to get away and be with family this weekend.

3. For my husband and everything he does for me

4. That we are going to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks.

5. That we have house insurance.

6. Our golf cart. I love to cruise around the campground on it even though I told my husband we didn’t need it. He bought it anyway.

7. That I get to more time to write this weekend.

8. We get a 3 day weekend.

9. That we are taking a couple of days to relax.

10. I get to have fish and chips at my favorite restuarant tonight. The salad bar at this restuarant has three soups and a ton of fresh veggies to put on your salad. It’s amazing. I love it!

Have a relaxing weekend!

Feeling Uninspired

For the last two weeks I have been feeling uninspired. I try to write a blog post but can’t make myself do it. So instead of writing something I’m going to show you some pics of the changes we’ve made to our yard.

We have been working in the yard taking out stumps and flowering Bush things that the previous owner left but I dont want. The front of the house was overgrown and I just want a simple clean design. I want to start from scratch and put what I want in the front of the house.

Here’s the border we put around the flagpole. We used blocking that the previous owners left behind.

The old tractor tire used to be around the flagpole. So far we took out all the trees in front and on the side of the house.

It looks totally different. We just have a couple of more stumps to take out and then we can plant grass and landscape.

I’m really proud of the work we have done creating our little space. I love it!

Maybe I’ll Get A Three Day

I shot my mouth off tonight at work tonight. Maybe I will get a three day.

Management left a skid of plastic coffee cups with lids tonight with our logo on by the lunchroom just before 8 PM break. At break people ran to get the cups. What pissed me off was that some people were taking four or five. I yelled “you guys should only be taking one. There are other people on 2nd and 3rd shift is coming in in two hours.” They didn’t listen. They just kept taking. And taking…

These are the same people who took the free polo shirts yesterday. Grabbed them all up til they were all gone. One of the girls walked away with four polos.

I shouldn’t have yelled at the people I yelled at but I did. Why do people think that just because the sign says free you can take as many as they want?

Doesn’t anyone know how to share anymore? Is that hard to realize that there are more people than yourself who might want one?

I wasn’t raised like that.

You dont have to take stuff because it’s free. If you dont need it dont take it. Or if you dont think you are going to use it dont take it. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

These people really pissed me off tonight. I’ll find out tomorrow if they told on me. I really don’t care. Someone needed to say something. And that someone was menopausal me.

Maybe I will get a three day. That would be a nice mini vacation. I could go to the trailer. I could stay home.

I dont know why I’m thinking that. It’s never going to happen. I might get talked to. Wishful thinking on my part.

Ok. I’m done bitching for tonight.

I Prayed For You Today

Dated: 1-12-02

Even though you and I aren’t talking                                                                                                I prayed for you today

I prayed for your safety                                                                                                                        I prayed for your happiness

I prayed for God to give you strength                                                                                                I prayed for you to have courage to let go of the past

I prayed that you find the love you deserve                                                                                    I prayed that you find your way

You have made such a difference in my life                                                                                    I prayed that someone does the same for you

Even though things aren’t great between us I still care                                                                  That’s why I prayed for you today

 

I found this poem when I was going through a box of my old writing yesterday.  It seems off and on throughout the years I have wrote poems.  I never realized this.

I am not only a writer.

I am a poet.

Who knew?