Author: chrissy

Its July 2nd.

With a new month and the 2nd half the 2020 starting, I’m starting over.

The first half of the year kinda sucked.

I think I’ve done enough soul searching for the whole year. I’m emotionally drained and honestly kinda lost.

I’m not continuing my word of the week or my drawing. I lost my focus.

I’d rather be writing.

I think I’m going to deal with my emotions and my emotional journey and write about it in my blog as I go. I’ve had a lot of anger and fear come to the surface. Alot of emotion from my childhood that I thought I had dealt with a long time ago that has resurfaced.

Also, about a week and a half ago my cousin, Od, fell off the roof while roofing his mom’s house. He had a stroke on the roof and that’s why he fell off. He was paralyzed on his right side and if kept alive he would be in a nursing home for the rest of his life. His family lovingly took him off life support Sunday night per his wishes and he passed on Monday. Even though I know he’s in a better place, I’m having a hard time with this. He was one of my favorite boy cousins. I didn’t see him often but he will always hold a special place in my heart. He was funny and always making me smile. Luckily, I work with a good friend of his and his family and we’ve been able to share happy memories and laugh to help us deal with our grief.

My husband and i are going to the trailer tomorrow for the weekend. I’m going to float on my swan and relax with family and friends.

I’m taking life one day at a time and not taking anything for granted because no one knows how much time each of us has on this planet.

With everything that has been going these last couple of month, my morning rountine was forgotten and now I’m trying get back into it.

I’ve been having trouble with my back for the last week or so. I could barely walk on Monday so I called in, took my husband’s muscle relaxers and laid in the chair and napped.

Between naps on Monday I figured out what I want my morning routine to consist of. Here is what I came up with:

1. When I wake up I want to say five things I am grateful for.

2. When I go downstairs I want to write another five things in my gratitude journal.

3. Read my affirmations and my whys for money and my writing.

4. Write three Morning Pages in my journal.

And then go about my day.

I’ve tried this the last couple of days and I feel good. It’s nice to wake up feeling grateful and continue that feeling throughout the day.

Being grateful is part of the manifestation process. I have to admit I’m still on Day 2.

One thing I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks is that my life is fear based. I grew up not being able to speak my truth. It was my dad’s way or the highway. I didn’t feel could talk to him or my mom about what was going on in my life. I was afraid to do something to make my dad mad. There was a lot of unspokens. A lot of guessing because we didn’t talk about things.

I didnt have the confidence to speak up for myself. I was afraid to speak up for myself. I wasn’t a confident kid. My parents weren’t confident people.

The guessing is what I’m having a hard time with right now. Because there wasn’t a lot of communication you guessed at how the other person was feeling. That’s not fun.

I’m not angry with him. He did the best he could with what he was taught. He was a great dad and a great man. He had his faults and not being able to express himself was one of them.

I’m dealing with this because I can’t keep dragging all of this stuff with me. The anger. The fear. I know I’m still dragging it around. I’m just trying to let go of all of that stuff so I can clean up that corner of my life.

This fear I know has been holding me back from doing stuff. Ive been holding myself back. The voices in my head telling me: You dont have the money to do that. What would people think if I did that. Its beginning to make sense now.

I need to forgive him and heal my inner child.

Father’s Day is always hell for me. I miss my dad and it’s hard without him here. Before he died I was able to talk to him about things. I feel if I asked today why it was his way or the highway he would tell me it was because he didn’t want me to make the same mistakes he made. What ever those mistakes were.

Whenever I feel the anger or fear come up I just breathe through it. Let it go out my shoulders.

It’s time.

My journal pages are done for today. Now it’s on to my affirmations.

A positive start

I love it!

I love planting season.

I love seeing these little babies pop out of the ground. I love how they sparkle in the sun. I love how they are in straight, perfect lines. I love how they reach for the sky.

After being quarantined and having a lot of time to think, I feel this is where I am in some parts of my life.

Just beginning to pop my head out and see where I am. I know I’ve been hiding in some areas and I’m trying to coax myself out.

I am beginning to stand up for myself and what I want in a different way. I am able to tell people “Hey this isn’t going to work for me” and walk away from the situation. I’ve never been able to do this before.

I’ve become stronger. More vocal.

More of my true me.

When I drive past these little babies I smile and remind myself that I, too, need love, water and positive words to grow in new ways.

A gentle touch. A kind word.

I’m treating myself better and I’m teaching people the new way I want to be treated.

The road is uphill and sometimes scary, but I keep moving forward.

I got this!!

I wrote about manifesting money from Unleashing Your Inner Money Babe and sharing what Day 1 entailed a couple of weeks ago.

I didnt get to Day 2.

I haven’t been really happy in the last couple of months. First the virus and then the death of George Floyd and the riots and looting and the ten minute breaks at work.

I don’t feel cared for at work. All during this virus stuff, management has been absent. I haven’t seen the Pesident or CEO since the virus started. Management hasn’t asked how we are doing it or if we need anything. Silence. We did get a drum of hand sanitizer seven weeks into the virus. Better late than never.

And the ten minute breaks well….i did lose four pounds. I usually have breakfast at noon and then an apple or celery on my way to work. On my first break I eat granola or half of something I need to heat up and on my 2nd break I finish what I made in the microwave. My last break I eat a banana. It hasn’t been the worst, but I do6nt like it. I miss being able to leave for awhile and clear my head. Rumor has it the 3 ten minute breaks were already decided before we voted.

Maybe some day I will get used to it.

I started over with Day 1 yesterday. I cleaned out my purse and did somethings with my money box.

Day 2 is centered around forgiving people to wronged you.

With all of the talk about freedom of speech and expressing yourself in the last two weeks a lot of stuff has come to the surface for me.

I dont feel my opinion matters at work so I’m kinda angry about that. Ok. So I’m angry. It’s been like this new managment took over about 5 years ago. I can voice my opinion but management’s view is basically if you don’t like it you can get a different job. I feel like I’m being treated like a child.

Which brings me to my childhood. I was the first child of four so I was raised to be an example. I was suppose to be the good one and not make any mistakes.

I’ve been angry lately and this is part of the reason. I wasn’t suppose to have an opinion or show emotion. I wasn’t encouraged to be myself.

It’s been an emotional day. I released a lot of emotion which I am grateful for but it’s so draining.

I took the day off today to be gentle with myself and love myself.

I’ve been writing in my journal off and on today about the times from my childhood that need forgiveness. I’ve cried. I’ve visualized using a baseball to hit a steel pole to get my anger out. I’ve also been laying in the chair and deep breathing to let go of all of the anger and other emotions I’ve been holding onto.

There’s more times I need to forgive than I remembered so this is going to take me longer than a day.

I’m going to end it here and lay in the chair cuddled in a blanket, watch tv and listen to the rain.

I’ll finish Day 2 when I’m ready. Not sure when that will be.

I bought this a couple of months ago at the consingment shop that sells my stuff.

I loved what it says.

With what is going on in the world it’s something I need in my life.

I read it every day.

It helps me to focus on the positive and remember there is good in the world.

Because there is good things happening. We just have to look a little harder to see it right now.

I love these two hanging baskets. Daisies are my favorite. I love the fact that they open during the day and close at night. So cool!

The above two pics are the flowers I bought so far to plant.

They look kind of droopy because it was 85 degrees yesterday and I forgot to water them before I went to work.

I’m going to figure out my planters this weekend and buy the rest of my plants.

I don’t usually buy all my plants in one spot. I shop at about ten different places and buy plants that speak to me. I don’t have a theme or any particular colors I’m looking for, but I noticed I have a thing for purple this year. I wonder what that means.

I’m painting a ladder on Saturday morning with my sister to put plants on in the front yard. The two colors I’m using are blue and yellow. The colors of the university next door.

I’m excited to shop and get things planted and painted.

I’ll post pics when I’m done.

Starting on Tuesday my unpaid half lunch hour will become non existant and replace by three ten minute breaks.

Normally I would from 2 til 10:30 with two paid 10 minute breaks and an unpaid half hour lunch. Now we get three paid ten minute breaks and work from 2 til 10.

All the employees of my company took a survey. My choice was to keep the unpaid half hour break. My choice lost.

Yes, I am pissed about this. The three 10’s are fine when we are working 8 hours, but when we start working 10 hours it is going to suck.

For 23 years I have had an unpaid lunch. I’ve always had a half hour to relax and eat. If I’m having a bad day I get in my truck and go to McDonalds or Wendy’s and get away for awhile. If I needed to run to Walgreens or Best Buy I could.

Starting Tuesday I can’t do that anymore and I feel like some of my freedom is being taking away.

It sucks.

Since this is new to me I wonder if you have any ideas for what I should make to eat that is healthy. Are your breaks short? What do you eat that is healthy? I’ve been searching Google for suggestions.

I’ve lost about six or seven pounds and I dont want to get in the habit of grabbing crap out of the vending machine and gaining it back.

I guess what really bothers me is that I used my two 10 minute breaks to write notes for my blog or jot down ideas or draw an idea that is my head. I’m bummed because I feel I don’t have time for this anymore.

I know it probably wont be as bad as I think it will be. I just have to give it time and it will work out. It’s new and I just need to give it a chance.

What if I dont want to?

I know I have a rotten attitude right now. I’ve been trying to say positive affirmations for this. I’ll probably be writing a post about this.

I let you know how it works out.

Wish me luck.

Here’s a picture of all of the hair my stylistist cut off today.

I requested she cut a inch and a half off. I have a lot of hair. It is very thick and kinda curly.

I’m writing this post as I sit in the chair waiting for the color to do it’s thing and cover the two inches of grey that grew in during this pandemic.

I feel lighter and very happy.

Have a great day everyone!

It’s been raining since 3 am on Sunday and hasn’t stopped.

Over 6.25 inches.

The lake on the top of the picture is really a farm field. The river on the bottom runs across the back yard to the pad for the new shed.

Crazy.

There’s no way the shed can be delivered on Wednesday. The truck and small trailer would sink as soon as it got on the grass.

It’s suppose to rain all night into the late morning tomorrow.

Rain. Rain. Please go away.

I decided today that I’m going to take two or three weeks off from writing my Word of the Week.

I will still be posting. Maybe some Quick Posts. Maybe some longer. Who knows.

I need a break.

There is some outside work that I would like to focus on. We are getting a new shed on Wednesday and then I will be at the trailer Memorial Day weekend. I have flowers to plant. A ladder to paint. And a antigravoty chair to sit in.

No, I didn’t start on Day 2 today I was lazy and took a 3 hour nap. I worked my butt off yesterday stacking wood, cutting the grass with my pushower and helping my husband with the pad for the shed.

Last week I decided to call around and getting some quotes on house and truck insurance. Maybe I can save some money by switching. Hopefully I can finish those calls up this week and see where our insurance company stands with the others. It’s on my Finishing the Unfinished list so maybe I’ll be able to cross that off my list.

On Tuesday I get my hair cut and highlighted. I’m so excited. My appointment was on the day Wisconsin shut down (march 24) so I haven’t had a real haircut since then. My sister trimmed my hair for me and I cut my bangs twice. I’m crabby because I feel like I have a mop on my head. I almost trimmed my bangs today but I can wait.

I’m excited about our new shed. The old one was falling apart and needed to be replaced. I can’t wait to have a place for all our rakes and shovels and the other stuff and have it all organized.

I sounds like it’s going to be a great week.

I’m even sleeping in tomorrow morning. Yeah!