Today Sucks


I’m not finishing NaNoWriMo.  I’m still working on the first draft of my  novel, but not at 1,700 words a day.  I tried my best to write 1,700 words a day, but with the busy week I had last week and then walking away from the house we put a bid on was just too much.

I never knew trying to purchase a house would be this difficult.  We walked away this time because we felt the seller was trying to hide something because they didn’t want us to get the home inspected AND they wanted more money.  I’m sure they wanted more money to pay for part or all of what they knew was wrong with the house, but I wasn’t going to pay more or NOT get the house inpected.  The counter offer didn’t leave me with a good feeling and I had trust my gut and walk away.  It was a hard decision.  I’m finally ready to buy a house, but things aren’t working out.  I’m bummed out today because of it.

I took empty boxes to the dump yesterday that I brought home from work to pack stuff up in for the first house we lost.  I had left them in the basement hoping we would find a house and I could continue packing, but since this house didn’t work I’m not sure what to do now so I took ten boxes to the dump.  I’ll take the rest next week.  I’ll probably unpack the some of the coffee cups and tupperware items and bring them upstairs, but I’m unsure what to do with the rest.  It just sucks.  We got our hopes up again and it didn’t work out.

I thought the first house would work out because I was ready, but it didn’t.  I put myself out there again and that house didn’t work out either.  I know everything works out for a reason, but I don’t know why this isn’t working.  I’m at a good place in my life.  My marriage is great.  I have a good job and great coworkers.  I’m beginning to get to know the real me.  The Menopause me.  I’m at a good spot in my life now so I don’t know why this house thing isn’t working.

I don’t even want to look for another house because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.  I’m just hurt and disappointed and I know my husband is too.   We really wanted this work.  I’m grateful that we found out right away and we didn’t lose any money, but it still stings.  I was cleaning the office today and found some brochures with paint samples in so I tossed those in the garbage and I put the paperwork for the two houses in the basement.  Maybe if I get rid of the old……

Today is one of those days where I would love to curl up on the couch with my dad, not say a word and watch football.  I always felt better when my dad put his arm around my shoulders, but I can’t do that because he’s not here.  That makes me miss him even more so I’ve just been puttering around the house, cleaning the office, watching football and writing a little bit.

I know that in time we will know why those houses didn’t work, but I just wish I knew now.  My mom and coworkers tell me to be patient and that everything will work out.  I’m not so sure.  I lost my faith and feel that I will be renting forever.  I want out my cousins house and to get into my house.  I don’t want to live here anymore.

Maybe I need this process to grow in ways that I don’t understand right now.  Maybe I’m suppose to be in the house I’m renting right now for what ever reason.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

All I know right now is today sucks.


Being My Own Best Friend

“Be nice to Tim.”  One of my coworkers told me today.

Screw that, I thought to myself.

The problem with Tim is that I’ve known him for 25 years.  I stopped hanging around with him 23 years ago because he was immature, nothing was his fault, he didn’t have to work @ work, but everyone else did and he wanted everyone to feel sorry for him. He was a big baby.  Fast forward 23 years years and he’s still the immature person he back then (which drives me crazy) and I have to work with him.

Before he transferred to my department I told my boss about the issues I had with him.  For example, wandering aimlessly around the building to waste time, saying stupid comments and showing inappropriate pictures of 1/2 naked men to me on his phone during break.  She listened and then he started working in my department two days later.

As I working today I was thinking about how I would never have him as a friend again outside of work.  I’m on a different level than he is.  It doesn’t mean I’m better than he is.  Just more mature.  I have a different work ethic than he does.  He comes to work to talk.  I come to work to work.  He is the king of looking busy but doing nothing.

I don’t have a lot of close girl friends.  I do a lot of things with my mom, my sister and my brother.  I do things with some of my sister in laws.  I am friends with some of my coworkers, but not really outside of work.  We may text once in awhile outside of work and go out for appetizers after work or sometimes out for lunch, but I spend most of my weekends with my husband.

If I were looking for a friend what traits would I be looking for?  Do I even know?  I don’t think this is something I have thought about a lot.  People think a lot about what they are looking for in a spouse, but do they really think about what qualities they want in a friend?  My friendships from my younger years consisted of people who I could trust, have a good conversation with, laugh with and have a good time with at the bar.  This criteria doesn’t apply anymore.  My bar days are long gone.  I’d rather stay home.

I would want someone who has my back.  Who will keep my secrets.  Who will make time for me.  Who will be there for me in thick and thin.  Who has my best interests at heart.  Who will love me for who I am and will always be in my corner.  Who will cheer me on and give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it.  Who will pick up the phone when I call.  Who will read my writing and give me an honest critique even if she has to tell me it sucks.    Who will encourage me to be the best person I can be.  Who will push me when I need to be pushed.  Who will encourage me to try new things and get out of my comfort zone.

A couple of years ago I gave up a friendship that I have had since grade school.  She lived across the street from my parents house while we were growing up.  She has lived out of state since high school and we kept in touch.  The problem with the friendship is that I wasn’t getting what I wanted.  I was always last.  Every time she came to town I got the leftover time slots that her family didn’t want.  I wanted a friend that I could talk and laugh with while we talked on the phone once in awhile.  I wanted to hear a voice.  Her voice.   She didn’t want that.  She wanted to communicate through email and then Facebook.  I wanted a phone call when something important happened in her life.  She wanted to post the occasion on Facebook and I was suppose to type my answer.  I didn’t feel it was a friendship.  I didn’t felt like I mattered to her.  I didn’t feel I would be missing anything if I did end the friendship and I was right. I’m not missing anything.  She always told me how important our friendship was to her, but after I ended it there has been times that she was in town and she hasn’t knocked on my door once.  If I was that important wouldn’t she come over when she was in town and try to  reconnect with me?  You would think so.  I have realized that she’s all talk and no action.

I guess I’m too old to put up with people’s crap anymore.  I want a friendship that makes me a better person.   That makes me think about things in new ways.  That wants and encourages me to grow and change and become the person I am meant to become.  That encourages me to work through my issues while she works through hers.  That encourages me to follow my heart and sing my own song and do what I love.

As I am typing this I realize that I haven’t been a very good friend to myself and the things that I want in a friendship are maybe the things I should be giving myself and the way I should be treating myself.  Maybe my inner self is trying to teach me something.

Maybe I need to be my own best friend.



The Christmas Season Starts On November 24

On the way home from work last Thursday I was flipping through the radio stations to find Christmas music on one of the stations.  I wanted to call that station and complain.  What is wrong with these people?  Each year the Christmas season is shoved in our faces a little earlier than the year before and I hate it.

Christmas comes after Thanksgiving and not before.

I was in Madison, WI this weekend.  (Go Badgers!!)  Santa was at the both of the malls, each mall had their Christmas decorations up, Christmas music was playing and the Red Kettles were out.  This shouldn’t be.  It is way too early.  I refuse to put money into the Red Kettle until after Thanksgiving.

This really ticks me off.  Why are we retailers so quick to forget about Thanksgiving? I know they have to worry about their bottom line and they each want a piece of the Christmas money pie, but before Thanksgiving?  Give me a break.   The first 23 days of November should be for Thanksgiving and after that should be for Christmas.  We definitely have lost something over the past five or ten years.

I would like go back to the quieter, more peaceful, less stressful days.  A world where Santa didn’t wake up until the day after Thanksgiving.  A world where no one in retail had to work on Thanksgiving.  A world where people got together because they enjoyed being together, laughing, enjoyed sharing and learning about tradition and had a grateful heart.  A world where there were no cells phone (not that I don’t think a cell phone has a time and a place because I do) and people actually talked to one another.

I find it really sad that some retail employees don’t get to spend Thanksgiving with their families because the store they work at opens for Black Friday deals on Thanksgiving evening.  It’s ridiculous.  The retailers are sending a message to their employees that they don’t care about them, their families and carrying on the Thanksgiving holiday tradition.  That all  they care more about is making a dollar.  Why can’t one of these big box stores take a stand and close on Thanksgiving?  I know they are afraid of losing money, but I think they would gain respect.  Respect from me and the tens of thousands of people who care about the tradition of Thanksgiving and who would possibly boycott the other stores.  I know I would boycott.

I just think we are going in the wrong direction.  A direction that doesn’t promote the sacredness of family and spending time together.  Shopping can wait until the day after Thanksgiving.

This is my Sunday rant.  Well, Monday rant, because I had computer problems yesterday and couldn’t use my computer.  😦




















At least in my eyes it is.






This weekend was way to early to be waking up Santa.

QP Hey Ladies I Have A Secret

Warning:  If you don’t like to read about menopause, making love or woman’s anatomy then this post isn’t for you.  Please don’t read any further.

Normally I wouldn’t write about my sex life or my anatomy, but if it can help other women get their groove back sexually then I feel I have to share my story.

Many of you know that after menopause making love just isn’t the same.  In my world I felt that my head didn’t communicate with vagina anymore.  I used to be wet and ready in a heartbeat.  Now it takes a day and half and lube.  Making love used to be wonderful.  Now it hurts.  I used to be twenty pounds lighter.  Now I feel like a fat, unsexy old woman.  Making love used to be fun.  Now it’s work.

While at the Barrett Jackson car show in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago I saw a Purlife booth.  Purlife bracelets use a combination of natural elements that releases negative ions to help balance your body (this is taken straight from the brochure).  Anyway, the bracelet is something my husband’s friend swears by.  My husband and I have always wanted to try wearing the baracelet so we each each bought one.

I wore mine for about a week and a half when I started to feel wet in my vagina area.  I was amazed because this hasn’t happened to me a long, long time.  It was like my head was speaking to my vagina again.   A week later I was feeling horny and actually wanted to make love.  I felt kinda like I did before menopause kicked in.   I felt like a sexual human being.  I was dreaming about making love and wanting to experiment with new positions.  I really wasn’t that conscious about my weight because my husband loves me the way I am.  I’m still fat, but I’m not concentrating on how fat I feel.

Honestly, I don’t know if it was the bracelet or not.  I’m thinking it was.  I don’t know what else it could be.   I’m not saying it will work for you, but it might.  It’s pricey, but it’s almost Christmas and I think it’s worth every penny.

I got my groove back and I’m thrilled.

So is my husband.


P.S.  the QP I wrote before the title means Quick Post.  I think if I like something or if something works for me I’m going to write a quick post about it and share it with you all.  I’ll mark these posts with QP in the title.


Week 1 NaNoWriMo Things Learned

821 words typed on Wed.                                                                                                                  1,968 Thurs.                                                                                                                                              1,727 Fri.                                                                                                                                                         0 Sat.          I wrote a couple of scenes in long hand but didn’t type anything.                       979 Sun.                                                                                                                                                  1,152 Mon.                                                                                                                                                   933 Tues.

7,580 Total for the week.

My goal for the week was 11,900 words.

I’m 4,320 words short.   Sure, I would have liked to hit my goal.  I didn’t, but l’ll share what I learned with you.

  1.   I’m still a super star even though I fell short of my goal.  I’m not going to beat myself up over it.   I’m proud of myself for starting and getting as far as I did.  I think that’s the most words I’ve ever written in a single week.

2.  I’ve haven’t been able to write in the morning.  I write when I get home.  Originally            I wanted to write in the morning, but that hasn’t worked.   For some scary reason I           look forward to writing when I get home.  What sucks is that my work probably                  suffers because I’m thinking about my characters and writing notes.  I’ve been                    taking the first ten minutes of my lunch break and my last break to start                               writing the scene I want to continue on later on that night.  I’ve been so engrossed              in my writing on my last ten minute break that I’ve been late coming back from                  break.  Whoops!  How am I suppose to return to work when my characters are                    still talking to me??????

     3.  This morning (actually yesterday morning…don’t ask) I’m writing this post long                  hand while I’m waiting to get my oil changed (stealing bits of time).  I’m finding it              difficult to write my post and write my 1,700 words, but I keep plunging                                forward.  Even if I write some of my words in longhand and don’t get to type it, I’m            still counting that as writing. I just didn’t get to type it so it doesn’t get added in to               my typed total for the day.

      4.  I’m stuck.  I could have wrote more words last night but I don’t know what                           direction I want to go in so I have to read through my notes and figure out my                     direction.  I’ve been writing notes and partial scenes for the last year and sticking               them in a file folder so my direction is somewhere in the file.  I just (I love the                     word just. I know it probably has no meaning and it may irritate some of you, but I         always use it.  I know it’s one habit I need to kick) have to find it.

5.  I have a haircut appointment tomorrow,  a acupuncture appointment on Friday                 and I’m going shopping with my mom, sister and niece for the weekend.  Also, we               are on 10 hours mandatory overtime starting today.  F*ck!  (Sorry)   My word                       count might suck for this week, but I will do my best.

6.  I’ve decided it’s not about the word count for me.  It’s about the experience.  It’s                  about learning things about myself and my characters. It’s about pushing me out                of my comfort zone and expanding my horizons.  It’s about making time to do                      what I love.  It’s about being gentle with myself instead of being a slave driver.  If                it takes me til Dec. 15th to get to 50,000 words then it does and that’s ok.

7.   If I haven’t read or commented on your blog I’m sorry.  Time is an issue                                  right now.  I try to read and comment when I can.  I just didn’t want anyone to                    think I forgot about them.  I’ll try to get back on schedule soon.

8.  I’m not having a hard time writing my 1,700 words.  It’s more of a time issue.                        What I’m having an issue with is what to do with all of the ideas for other projects              or blog posts that interrupt me while I’m writing my word count.   As I have                          mentioned before this has always been an issue for me and I have stopped                           writing because I didn’t know how to deal with the overflow of ideas coming to                   me.  I’m trying to work through this, but it’s still hard.  What I have been doing is               jotting down notes and putting them in a file folder (I love file folders!  I don’t buy             cheap or plain.  They have to have a cute design.  I’m a little anal when it comes to               my file folders) so after NaNoWriMo is over I have a starting point.

8.  I know this post is not probably going to come out in total paragraph form                            because of the numbers.  It didn’t.  I realized today that there is a preview button                at the top of  my page.  I never knew that little guy was up there.  There’s always                something  new to learn.  Yes, my page is screwed up. Sorry about that.  Don’t                      have  time to fix it right now.  I have to shower and go to my haircut appointment.              Crap, I still need to dry my jeans.  Gotta run.

9.  One more thing…doing this NaNoWriMo is fun.  I don’t have to worry about                         spelling, punctuation, sentence structure or paragraphing.  It’s great!


Thanks for reading and enjoy your day!!






Mental Talk

Did I take my morning medication?                                                                                              Maybe I should stop writing and go to the grocery store                                                              I wonder what the temp is outside                                                                                                      Is it still raining?  Maybe I should go look.

No! I tell myself.  Stay in your chair.  Keep writing.  You only have 1,200 more words to go.  I sigh and continue writing.

We should really cut the grass at the trailer today and rake the leaves.  Maybe I should call Steve if he wants to go.                                                                                                                  I wonder what laundry needs to be done.                                                                                        Did the mail come yet?  Maybe I should go look

Keep writing.  Keep going.  You only have 700 more words to write.  Ok. Ok.  I’ll continue.

Did I pay the Citi Card bill?                                                                                                                  I’m hungry.  Maybe I should make something to eat.                                                                      I wonder how my brother’s MRI went.   I wonder if my mom is home.  Maybe I should call her.                                                                                                                                                    I’m sick of overtime.  Maybe I should take a day a vacation this week to write.

Finally I’m done.  1,700 words.  It’s about time.  I didn’t think I could do it today.

I’m exhausted.  It’s hard to write and talk yourself into staying in your chair.  Sometimes I feel like a five year old in kindergarten who only likes recess.






NaNoWriMo Day 2

OMG!!!!  What the heck did I get myself into?  Lol.

Day 1.   I only typed 821 words.  Not even half of my goal of 1,700 words a day.  869 words short.  I know it’s not the worst thing in the world, but I am still behind.  That’s not the way I wanted to start, but at least I started.

I want to be able to write 1700 words a day but I don’t know if this is going to be possible.  I know there are days that I’m going to have less words than my goal and that’s going to have to be ok.  Stuff happens and I will have to accept that.  Hopefully there will be days that I write over my goal.

Day 2.  I typed 1,968 words.   Yeah!  My total word count for the two days is 2,789.  611 words short from where I should be at 3,400 words, but I’ll take it.

It’s harder than I thought it would be.  I don’t really know why I thought it would be easier.  As you can probably tell my brain is fried and I should really go to bed.  I’m going to take my notes along and see if they match up with the direction I want to go in for tomorrow’s writing.    Maybe I can write a scene or two so I will just have to type tomorrow.  Maybe not.  Maybe I’ll fall asleep writing.

Did you take the NaNoWriMo challenge?  If so, please share your journey with me.  I need all of the encouragement I can get.