I don’t know why I was so afraid

I had my colonoscopy two days ago and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

I didn’t want it.  I dreaded it.  I bitched for two weeks prior that I had to do it.  I didn’t want to drink the stuff or take the pills.  I was pissed that I couldn’t eat for a day before the procedure.  I was emotional.  I worried about getting sick and/or shitting all over the place.  I didn’t want to wake up in the middle of the procedure.

I just didn’t want the damn procedure.  Ever.

But I did it and I’m happy I did.

Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I started drinking as much water as I could handle on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.   Flushing out my system early helped because I pooped three times on Friday and Saturday so that when Sunday came I didn’t really have the much to get out.  It was as if my body knew what it had to do and was helping me along.

I ate at midnight for the last time and I slept til 11 a.m. so there was only a four hour gap from when I got up til I had to start taking the pooping pills.  I really wasn’t that hungry.  (it was the commercials that made me want to eat something.  i never realized that there were so many food commercials on tv)  I had two orange jello cups and two cups of bouillon during the day and I was fine.

The test itself is a breeze.  The drugs were good.  I was in the middle of a conversation with the nurse in the OR and the next thing I knew I was back in my room.

I have three poylps.  One wasn’t precancerous, but two were.  The precancerous poylps could have possibly turned into cancer in three to five years.  I consider myself very lucky.

After my procedure I rested and watched tv  and gave myself a break for the day.

Please schedule your colonoscopy today.  It might not be a bad as you think.



My Journals Are Back In The Basement

I put my bin of journals back in the basement.


I don’t know why I thought I could get the shredding done in a couple of days.  After taking a closer look I realized that there was at least a thousand pages or more (probably more) of journal pages in the bin.

Four bins of a 1,000 pages or more.  I guess when you don’t look inside of the bins you forget what is there.

It’s going to take longer than expected….way longer.

Usually I would journal in a college ruled notebook, but in this bin I chose to write on college ruled loose leaf paper.  There are pages and pages and pages of loose leaf paper in the bin.

I didn’t leave the bin upstairs because I didn’t want anyone reading my journals.  As I was shredding I was skimming through the pages and I realized that I don’t want anyone to read them.  The pages are my private thoughts about what I was going through at the time and not anything else.  It’s how I chose to express myself at the time.

As I was skimming I did pick out pages that struck a cord in me or experiences that I forgot about and put them away for a later date.

I don’t know how I am ever going to get through all of these pages.  I think what I am going to do is just grab a handful when I have a couple of minutes and skim, keep and shred.

Luckily my mom’s cousin has a hobby farm.  I can shred and give the bags of shredded journal entries to her to use as bedding for her animals.

It’s all good.




Should I Shred My Journals?

Every so often I toss around the idea of shredding my journals (basically when I see them staring at me in the basement).  I been thinking of doing this off and on for the last ten years.

We are thinking of moving and I really don’t want to move them again.  This would be the fourth time I would have to move them, but for some reason I can’t get my head around shredding them.

I have the shredder plugged and one of the four 2 gallon bins I have my journals in next to it, but I can’t do it.  They are just written in plain notebooks or on plain loose leaf paper.  Nothing fancy.

Should I read them first or do I just shred them?


I don’t know what to do.

My heart is racing and I’m shaking.

What the hell am I so afraid of?

I’ve been keeping a journal for the last thirty years or so.  The entries I want to shred are from early on when I started writing in a journal.  I haven’t looked at them….ever.  Well, maybe once when I thought I should read my journals and keep the pages with events/entries I wanted to remember and shred the rest, but I didn’t even get thru one journal and gave up.

I don’t know why I hang onto them (for dear life) because I doubt if I will read them again.  I don’t want anyone to read them now or after I die.

So why?

I don’t know, but what I do know is I am going to take a deep breath and start shredding.  I may read the entries or I might not.  I’ll decide as I go.

All I know is I have to start now or I won’t do it. Plus, I don’t want to drag them downstairs again.  Those darn bins are heavy!

Here I go….wish me luck.






If You Are Over 50 Please Get a Colonoscopy

I wished I would have listened to my own words and got a colonoscopy when I turned 50, but I didn’t.  I thought I didn’t need it and that it could wait.

I was wrong.

I have been sick with diverticulitis since last Monday.  Pain in my right side (actually it felt my ovary was being ripped out), nausea, chills, and a full, tight stomach.  I spent four hours in the walk-in clinic. It hurt to walk so I had to be pushed in a wheel chair.  I had to have a CAT scan.   I’m on two different antibiotics for fourteen days.

I felt like I was going to DIE.

If I would have had a colonoscopy I would have been informed that I had diverticulitis and this whole situation would have been avoid, but I didn’t think I needed it.  The whole thing grosses me out so I didn’t go.

I wish I would have.

I could kick myself for not going sooner.  All of my time, my husband’s and family’s time and the money from the walk-in, CAT scan, blood and urine tests, medicine and the follow up visit could have been saved and I could be running around instead of on the couch.

Gotta run.  I have to call and schedule my colonoscopy.  I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I don’t want to get yelled (again) for not having one scheduled.

Now go schedule yours.



Why do have all this stuff?

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going through old pictures, newspaper articles, cards and other miscellaneous items that I have keep in bins in the basement.

I’ve gone through the large tub of pictures and the medium size tub of cards and such and put them into smaller containers.   It was hard and I wanted to quit many times because it was over whelming.

Why do I have all of this stuff? I asked myself fifty times while I was purging.

What was the sense of keeping my wisdom teeth that were pulled in the 10th grade?  I had six removed — having two sets of wisdom teeth runs in my family.   I probably thought that was a big thing back then. They were gross and still had blood on them. I tossed them.

I saved my retainer, too.  I have no idea why I saved this.  Did I think I was going to get braces again and that I could use the same retainer.  I don’t know….I tossed the retainer.

I think half of the bin was cards I received from people over the years.  I saved the envelopes too.  I let myself keep two cards that meant something to me for each person and the rest had to go.

Now that I’m into the second half of my life and I don’t have any kids I ask myself while I’m sorting is this going to be of any importance to anyone but me after I die.  I don’t want my husband or my family to have to get rid of all of that stuff when I’m capable of doing it today.

I think part of being fabulous in our fifties is keeping what speaks to us and getting rid of the rest.

Before I started to sort through my stuff I read a book called the life-changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo.  I have noticed changes in my life over the last couple of weeks.  I’ve lost two pounds and my jeans are loose  (yeah!).  I’m clearer on the direction I want my life to go.

I’ve tossed at least 5 small blue bags of paper out of my house and one garbage bag of old pictures and stuff.  It feels good to get rid of all of that stuff.  I feel lighter.

Now I have to go and shred all of the envolopes and all of the other stuff that has my address on.

Luckily my mom’s cousin has a hobby farm so what I recycle is going to good use.









I was at a New Age store on Saturday and on the counter at the checkout there was one of those things that you can put your thumb on for ten seconds and by the color of the circle you can tell if you are stressed or not.

The circle was black.

Three different times.

I thought maybe it didn’t work properly because so many people used it.  Yeah, I know.  Wishful thinking on my part.

Do I think I am stressed?  No.

Obviously I am.

On some level I know this, but I am afraid to look at it.  Why?  I am not sure.

I am a happy go lucky girl.  Not a lot bothers me.  Maybe this is why I don’t think I am stressed.

What is stressed?  Do I know the whole meaning?


I think it’s time to get to know myself better in this area of my life because I don’t want to go thru the rest of my life stressed out.  A woman in her fabulous fifties takes control of issues in her life.  She rules.  Her issues shouldn’t rule her.

It’s too bad the store is closing otherwise I could go in there and check my stress level every month.

Maybe there is another way to check my stress level.  I will have to google it.

I will let you know what I find out in a later post.



Taking Care Of Ourselves

When we are in our fifties we have to start taking better care of ourselves  — for ourselves, our families and the people around us.

Taking care of ourselves includes learning about ourselves in ways we didn’t have time or maybe didn’t want to learn about when we were younger.

This week I thought I was getting a cold.  It started with a tickle in my throat and then my nose was stuffy and I started sneezing.  I took some sinus medication and Mucinex.

“Are you sure it’s not allergies?  Why don’t you try allergy medication?”  One of the girls I work with asked me.

I shrugged.  “My husband has a cold so I thought I was getting what he had.”

Allergies?  How could it be allergies?  It’s November and 40 degrees outside  I thought to myself as I walked away.

I should know whether I have a cold or not shouldn’t I?

The truth is I don’t.  I just assume it’s a cold when it could be allergies.

When I started having sinus issues ten years ago the nurse practitioner said it was possible that I had allergies and that I should try a allergy medication.  I tried a popular one and it made me feel like my head was in the next city and I couldn’t function.  I didn’t try anything after that.

A year or two later my doctor and my sister-in-law suggested I try a nedi-pot.  I did for a couple of weeks or so and then I stopped.  I would try it now and again, but I never used it regularly.

I wasn’t very proactive at taking care of myself.

I think it’s time to get to know myself better in this area of my life and figure out this sinus thing once and for all.

There are a couple of things I can do to be more proactive.

1.    Read about allergies to understand the possible problem better.

2.    Experiment with different medicines.

3.    Take vitamins and eat better.

4.    Relax more

I’m going to go dig out my nedi pot now.

What do you do for allergies?  Let me know.  Maybe what works for you will work for me!







I am totally off track….again

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted and I’m sorry about that.

I was suppose to be posting every Wednesday and Sunday.  I thought doing two posts a week would be easy.

It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.

My husband’s pneumonia took longer than we thought to get over.  He missed three weeks of work so I worked overtime to help out with the bills.

He hurt his knee (the knee that was already giving him trouble) and will need surgery in the next couple of weeks.

The basement needs to cleaned and I mean a deep, floor to ceiling cleaning.   It’s been a dumping ground for the last year.  I started cleaning last weekend and found a dead baby mouse.  Not happy……

A friend of ours died two weeks ago and my mom’s neighbor of thirty years died last week.  I am beginning to realize the older we get the more people we know will die, but that is another post…..

Excuses.  Excuses.  Excuses.

That’s what it boils down to is that these are all excuses of reasons what threw me off track and why I couldn’t post.

I felt bad I for the last two weeks that I haven’t posted on a regular basis and instead of jumping back in I just thought about how off track I was and how I didn’t know where to begin.  I thought about how much I needed to learn about how to blog and everything that goes into making a successful blog and I got scared.

Last night at work I was thinking that I just need to keep trying til I get it right.  So what if I’m not doing it perfectly and I have a lot to learn.  Who cares?  The important thing is is that I keep trying til I get it right.

That’s the lesson for today.

Try, try and try again.














Going With The Flow

Today would have been my last full day in Las Vegas, but my husband came down with pneumonia two weeks ago so we had to cancel our trip.

We go to Vegas a couple of times a year and out of the 10 or so times we have gone we haven’t had anything happen to make us cancel.  I knew this luck couldn’t last forever and that one of these times we wouldn’t be able to go.

I’m not bummed because I knew this was going to happen at some point.  It just sucks because I think we both needed a vacation but my husband’s health is definitely more important than going on vacation.

Vegas will always be there.

It’s all good.

When things like this happen you just have to go with the flow.  It doesn’t pay to get pissed off or cry about it.  I look at the bigger picture.  We weren’t suppose to go for some reason.  I think maybe God or one of our loved ones are looking out for us and protecting us from something.

I’m kinda glad we didn’t go because we would have missed out on the last weekend of camping.  My brother has the site next to us and my husband’s brother has the site next to my brother.

My sister came out and helped us give our trailer a bath and clean both trailers.  We ate supper at one of my favorite restaurants.  We had a bonfire.  A couple of friends came out.  We talked.  We laughed.

I really had a great weekend.

I feel out of sorts writing this off of the cuff.  I had the first ten posts written and ready to go but then my husband got sick and I didn’t post for two weeks.

Going with the flow isn’t a bad thing.  It’s just different.  It’s letting go and letting things happen as they should.

Maybe I should plan less and go with flow more often.





I’m Not Your Typical 51 Year Old Woman

I’ve been happily married for seven years.  My husband and I dated for six years before we were married.  This is our both marriage for both of us.

I don’t have any children of my own.  I waited to have kids until I found the man I wanted to marry and have children with, but by that time I was 37 and a hop, skip and a jump away from perimenopause.  My husband has two kids from a previous relationsip  so I have two step children — 21 and 17 years old.

A couple of years ago my husband and I bought a travel trailer when we didn’t have a truck to pull it with.  We had to borrow my brothers until we bought our own a year later.

We rent the ranch house we live in from my cousin.   We haven’t been seriously looking, but the two houses we were interested in were almost sold when I found them and called the realtor.  Hopefully next year we will have a house.

We do things kind of backwards, but it works for us.  We are who we are and it’s ok.

Sorry I didn’t post anything last week.  I have had a ear infection for the last three weeks and the antibiotics haven’t worked so anyone that has a home remedy to get rid of the ear infection and save me another trip to the doctor please share it.  Thanks!