Possessions and Emotions

I’m beginning to understand why hoarders hoard.  As you may know, with this move I’ve been going through my stuff and I’m not entirely happy with what I have been finding and learning about myself.

While unpacking this week I found 11 college ruled (my favorite) notebooks in a box and 4 other notebooks in other boxes.  Why I felt I had to have 15 notebooks I have no clue.  It’s not like there is going to be a notebook shortage in the future and I will run out.  As far as I know, notebooks are made every day

Even though I haven’t used any of them I know why I bought them.  I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to the world.   I liked the purple color of the cover of one notebooks.  I liked what three of the notebooks said on the front cover.  I liked the flower design on the front cover of two notebooks.   On two of the notebooks I liked the border around the edge of the page.  I know.  Sad, but true

I’m sitting here shaking my head.  I don’t need all of the notebooks so why did I buy them?  I have one notebook in my truck to take notes in or to take in a restaurant with me to work on my novel or blog posts and I have one notebook in the living room to do the same.  But, even so, I currently have four notebooks that are being used for this purpose.  (While we were moving I couldn’t find the notebooks so I bought new ones  Don’t ask).  So why would I need more? I have no clue.

Realizing I have 15 notebooks brings up a lot of emotions.  I can’t believe I’m sharing this with the world, but here it goes.

Embarrassment.  I can’t believe that I have 15 notebooks.  How did I let myself get 15 notebooks?  (This is why I had to get rid of the hutch.  It was helping me hoard)  How did I not know I had 15 notebooks?  It’s so ridiculous to me that I would spend money on buying something I already had more than enough of.  Also, it makes me realize that I really don’t know myself and I how I operate in that area of my life.

Overwhelmed.  I learned that I buy stuff based on feeling.  Not if I need it or not, but on feeling.  That’s not exactly the smartest way to shop.  Yesterday I went through my notebooks.  I sat in my notebook shit and dealt with all of the feelings that came to the surface.   I’ve decided to keep 3 or 4 notebooks.  Maybe two.  I just can’t keep all of this shit.  I’m going to donate the notebooks to a local school where people who really need them can use them.

Anger.  Why am I a hoarder?  What part of myself do I have to change to become a non hoarder?  I am pissed off because that money could have been used to buy other things.  I know I am being too hard on myself but what the hell was I thinking?  15 notebooks?  Seriously?  I can only guess how having these notebooks and other stuff have clogged up my life so I couldn’t let stuff I really wanted/needed in.  Maybe this is why I have issues with money.  I buy stuff I really don’t need.

Sad.   I think on some level I knew I was a hoarder, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I have to let go of this unneeded stuff and I’m sad.  I know it’s going to open up my life to let knew stuff in, but still I’m a little sad.  For some reason I enjoy having stuff.

I feel like a dumb ass for having the notebooks.  I’m suppose to be an adult who is capable of making competent decisions.  I’m seeing a part of myself that I didn’t realize fully was there.  At 53.  What the hell took so long.

Excuse me, but I must go.  I have to find a box to put my notebooks in so I can take them to a good home.

I’ll be going through my  hoarders pile of books next.   Oh shit.  I’m in trouble.

 

6 thoughts on “Possessions and Emotions”

  1. Oh, honey, I can understand. When I first got clean (sober), I had to grapple with all of that emotion. I had to figure out how to quit beating myself up for being an addict, and learn how to separate the disease from my humanity (I’m not responsible for being an addict, I’m just responsible for cleaning up the mess my addiction made). I wish I could say that 13 years clean had cured me of all of my imperfections; however, I seem to have a problem with yarn storage, papercraft supplies storage, 100+ screaming pink flocked coathangers, shoe storage for all these high heels I know I’ll never wear but can’t bring myself to get rid of….

    Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You are not screwed up, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it; you are just perfectly human, with all of the imperfections that involves. And I love your perfectly imperfect humanity (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not a hoarder, but I love pretty note books and nice pens. I can relate to that. This was a good read. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, because it brought on awareness to yours. I will return.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think you’re a hoarder. Moving is tough, because it makes you evaluate your life piece by piece. It also evokes emotion because you think about things you haven’t thought about in awhile. Don’t be so hard on yourself.❤️😀

    Liked by 1 person

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