Possessions and Emotions

I’m beginning to understand why hoarders hoard.  As you may know, with this move I’ve been going through my stuff and I’m not entirely happy with what I have been finding and learning about myself.

While unpacking this week I found 11 college ruled (my favorite) notebooks in a box and 4 other notebooks in other boxes.  Why I felt I had to have 15 notebooks I have no clue.  It’s not like there is going to be a notebook shortage in the future and I will run out.  As far as I know, notebooks are made every day

Even though I haven’t used any of them I know why I bought them.  I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to the world.   I liked the purple color of the cover of one notebooks.  I liked what three of the notebooks said on the front cover.  I liked the flower design on the front cover of two notebooks.   On two of the notebooks I liked the border around the edge of the page.  I know.  Sad, but true

I’m sitting here shaking my head.  I don’t need all of the notebooks so why did I buy them?  I have one notebook in my truck to take notes in or to take in a restaurant with me to work on my novel or blog posts and I have one notebook in the living room to do the same.  But, even so, I currently have four notebooks that are being used for this purpose.  (While we were moving I couldn’t find the notebooks so I bought new ones  Don’t ask).  So why would I need more? I have no clue.

Realizing I have 15 notebooks brings up a lot of emotions.  I can’t believe I’m sharing this with the world, but here it goes.

Embarrassment.  I can’t believe that I have 15 notebooks.  How did I let myself get 15 notebooks?  (This is why I had to get rid of the hutch.  It was helping me hoard)  How did I not know I had 15 notebooks?  It’s so ridiculous to me that I would spend money on buying something I already had more than enough of.  Also, it makes me realize that I really don’t know myself and I how I operate in that area of my life.

Overwhelmed.  I learned that I buy stuff based on feeling.  Not if I need it or not, but on feeling.  That’s not exactly the smartest way to shop.  Yesterday I went through my notebooks.  I sat in my notebook shit and dealt with all of the feelings that came to the surface.   I’ve decided to keep 3 or 4 notebooks.  Maybe two.  I just can’t keep all of this shit.  I’m going to donate the notebooks to a local school where people who really need them can use them.

Anger.  Why am I a hoarder?  What part of myself do I have to change to become a non hoarder?  I am pissed off because that money could have been used to buy other things.  I know I am being too hard on myself but what the hell was I thinking?  15 notebooks?  Seriously?  I can only guess how having these notebooks and other stuff have clogged up my life so I couldn’t let stuff I really wanted/needed in.  Maybe this is why I have issues with money.  I buy stuff I really don’t need.

Sad.   I think on some level I knew I was a hoarder, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I have to let go of this unneeded stuff and I’m sad.  I know it’s going to open up my life to let knew stuff in, but still I’m a little sad.  For some reason I enjoy having stuff.

I feel like a dumb ass for having the notebooks.  I’m suppose to be an adult who is capable of making competent decisions.  I’m seeing a part of myself that I didn’t realize fully was there.  At 53.  What the hell took so long.

Excuse me, but I must go.  I have to find a box to put my notebooks in so I can take them to a good home.

I’ll be going through my  hoarders pile of books next.   Oh shit.  I’m in trouble.


The End Of My Hutch

I don’t know how I published the unfinished post, but I did.  It’s late and I’m tired.  Oh well.  Shit happens.  Anyway, here’s the last of my post.

I knew when we moved the hutch would have to go or I would be in the same position as I was before.  A mini hoarder.  Everything I didn’t want upstairs I would throw in the hutch in the basement.  I dealt with some of it before we moved, but I still have three or four or more of boxes of crap that was in the hutch that I have to deal with.

What was in the hutch?  A money affirmation book that I started writing 20 years ago, but never finished.  I have all 365 affirmations written, but they aren’t very good.  The paper is yellowed and the type is faded.  I don’t want to toss yet will I ever work on it or even look at it again?  Not sure, but I can’t toss it.  There was at least thirty or more books I bought at garage sales that I was going to read, but never did.  (I think I have a home for some of these.  At the campground they have a library box on a post with books in it.  I think I will take them there.  There was only a couple of books in it.)  A photo album of the first three years of my niece’s life that I scrapbooked for her.  I gave it to her a couple of weeks ago.  She’s 16 and a half.  I stopped scrapbooking the album when I started dating my husband.  I thought I would continue to work on it, but never did.  Surprise.  Surprise.  A huge fake book that I keep my laundry money stash in.  I put a dollar in a jar for every load of laundry I do.  I keep a stash because if some major appliance breaks and we have to purchase a new one it’s not a big deal because I have a down payment saved.  There was about forty writing magazines in there.  The Writer.  Writer’s Digest. And other misc. magazines I picked up along the way.  What I was saving them for I have no clue.  There was a bunch of other stuff in there.  Seasonal stuff.  Pens and pencils.  Markers.  A scissors.  Packing tape.  Garage sale stuff.

My hutch wasn’t packed, but there was enough stuff in it.  The question I keep asking myself is — if I didn’t know what to do with it when I put it in the hutch why did I think I would know what to do with it after?  I have no clue.  That’s why it’s still in boxes.  Because I have no clue what to do with most of it.  I know it will probably go in a tub or two in the closet in my office.  Probably the things I’m most attached to.  Emotional ties.  Maybe stupid ties that I don’t quite understand right now.

We were at the trailer (finally) this weekend so I didn’t have to deal with it.  I was going to deal with it tonight, but I sat in the chair and watched tv and or napped.  I’ll probably deal with it during the week.  I have two boxes for the thrift store started at the bottom of the basement stairs.  I know I have to give some of it away and/or shred it.  Who knows how long the boxes will be at bottom of the stairs.  I think I just need a break from all of this moving/sorting/purging crap.

I’m embarrassed I have all of this crap and kinda pissed off at myself that I didn’t deal with it before.  I didn’t want to.  Out of sight.  Out of mind.  Sad as that is that is the truth.

I’m glad my hutch is gone.  It forces me to look at things from a different perspective and only buy things that I need or really, really want.  The things need to serve a purpose.  I can’t buy things anymore because they are cute or because they are an impulse buy.  I want to live more simply.

It’s going to take awhile to get to more simply in my world.




I have too much stuff.

I am amazed at this because I thought I took care of most of it when I packed up for the house that the deal fell through last summer.  What I didn’t realize is that I had bought a lot of stuff through over the years for when we had a house.  Now that we have a house I realize that we either don’t need it, it doesn’t fit in with the theme have for that room or I think it’s ugly and/or I don’t like it.

I dropped off four boxes and a bag at the thrift store yesterday.  I can’t believe I had that much stuff after we just had a garage sale and I dumped stuff of at the thrift store after the sale.  A box and a bag of what I dropped yesterday were curtains from the new house that we weren’t going to use.  That was basically all of them and the blinds that came with them.  I hate blinds.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate.  So, yes, I am curtainless for the time being.  I didn’t realize that it would take me this long to find curtains I like that were the right length or that they were so expensive.  I have four windows and need 8 panels.  I bought 8 panels yesterday and my husband will hang them up this weekend.  Not as expensive as I thought.  They were on sale for $12.9 each.  Yeah.

My husband and I have decided is that we want items in our house that define who we are now together and the direction we want to go in –  seperate and together.   Most of the odds and ends we have now are from when he lived alone and I lived with my roommate.  They aren’t important or have any emotional value so they have to go.  Except for my Barefoot Bear collection.  I am keeping my bears forever.

There’s a lot of stuff that I am donating right now and not saving for the next garage sale.  I can’t.  I don’t want that stuff clogging up my basement.  I drop off my stuff at a thrift store where the proceeds go to a local animal shelter.  I think it’s important to give back.  I’m glad my things will go to a good home and the animal shelter can get some money to buy what they need.

I’m excited to see what our house (I love those two words) looks like when the dust settles and we have everything put away.  (Yeah, like that’s going to happen soon).

I’m going try to put a box of stuff for my office away tonight.  I’m afraid to start in my office.  This is one area where I have way too much stuff.  Basically it’s books.  I have to go through them and get rid of some or a lot of them.  I had most of my books in the basement in my hutch (the hutch will probably be my next post).  I don’t have my hutch anymore so I have to come face to face with how many books I really have.  I bought about half of them at garage sales so I’m not going to be that heartbroken to get rid of some.   My office is probably going to be the hardest group of stuff to decide what to get rid of and what to keep.

If you don’t see a post from me in the next couple of days I am buried in my stuff.  Hopefully someone will find me and unbury me.