Week 14 Positive

(I’m posting this again because for some reason theposting date was changed to two days ago.  I don’t know why it did this.  Weird.  This post should have right publishing date on it.)

Lately I’ve been reading about the Law of Attraction and manifesting.  One of the rules is you have to have a positive mind.

Think what you want positive.  Visualize in your what you want.  See it happening positive.  Believe it is coming to you positive.

I have one problem with this.

I don’t think positive.

It’s kinda funny because I like to believe I am a positive person.  I try to see the good in people.  I am happy go lucky.  I try to smile and brighten people’s day.  I am kind.

But that doesn’t equal thinking positive.

One thing I’ve learned in the last couple days is when it comes to what I think I am gloom and doom.  Unhappy.  Angry.  Untrusting.

I know right.  Me?????

Here’s an example.

I left for work one afternoon at 12:30.  My niece started cleaning my house about ten minutes before I left.  I checked my phone later on my break and she texted me at 1:30 to tell me she was done cleaning and on her way home.  I spent the next hour wondering how she cleaned my house in an hour.  How is that possible?  What didn’t she clean?  Did she dust?  Mop the floor?

Negative.  Negative.  Negative.

I never realized that this was my thought pattern and that I was so negative.

Why do I do this?  Why do I focus on the negative?  Where did I learn this behavior from?  I don’t remember my parents being like this.  These are the questions I’ve been asking myself as I try to figure out why I am like this.

Yesterday morning I decided to pay attention to my thoughts for the next 24 hours.

Here’s what I learned about myself.

Before work yesterday afternoon I had a confrontation with the person who wrote me the note at work in my head and outloud.  It was negative.  I did it because I wanted to know what I was going to say if called into HR for some reason.  Fair.  Sometimes I think this is necessary to get the emotion out of my body so I’m not carrying it in my body.  I focused on it longer than I should have.

Wasted time.

At work I focused on how I didn’t want to be in the department I was in doing what I was doing.  I wanted to be back in shipping with my coworkers doing my regular job.  At lunch I learned that Gov. Evers closed all the campgrounds in Manitowoc County for the month of May.  I complained about that in my head for the rest of the night.

At least I was getting paid for thinking negative.

This morning I went for a walk.  I started out by saying an affirmation.  I love money and money loves me.  It didn’t take long for the negative to set in.  I thought about how I sad I was gong to be when were on 10 hours and probably 8 hours on Saturdays after this pandemic.  How tired I would be.  When would I have the time to walk and be creative like I am doing now?

So much for listening to the birds and relaxing.

I noticed how negative I was being so I started saying my affirmation again.  My goal was to say it for 15 minutes.  One lap around the university.  I think it lasted for a minute because I was thinking about how my banker didn’t return my email.  I had emailed her yesterday that I wanted to pay off my truck loan because I can’t go inside the bank I and talk to someone.  I was mad because she didn’t return my email because I really wanted that taken care.  I really wanted to be able to say that my truck was paid off.  Shouldn’t she at least acknowledge that she received my email?

Definitely not a positive walk.

This is embarrassing.

Instead of concentrating on the negative of going back to work full tilt I could have focused on the positive.  I have a job.  I make good money doing that job.  I could have focused on what I could do to make working those hours easier on me like doing Yoga or meditating.   I could have come up with a plan.

More time wasted.

I need to find a way to focus on the positive, but it’s hard.  I tried tonight at work.  Every time I found myself thinking negative I stopped and tried to think of something positive or said a positive affirmation.  It just returned to negative.

I know it’s going to take awhile to train my brain to think positive.

I need to be gentle with myself.  I need to be kind to myself.

I need to unlearn this behavior.

It just makes me mad because I thought I was thinking positive and the hard truth is that I am not.

How is anything positive suppose to come into my life if I’m thinking negative?

It can’t if 75 or 80% of the day I’m thinking negatively.

The Law of Attraction has worked a little bit in my life, but now I understand why it’s not fully working.

Since Gov. Evers extended our Stay at Home order to May 27th I’ll have plenty of time to learn how to think more positively.

Six weeks to be exact.

I’ll let you know how I’m doing.