I worked last Saturday from 11 am to 4 pm. I love working on Saturday because I have time to think. There isn’t a lot of people work. I can work by myself and not have to talk to many people.
One of my coworkers was sitting at a table alone labeling. I didn’t want her to come over and sit at my table so I put a bunch of stuff on that side of the table to pretend I had a lot of stuff to get done.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone or look at anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to think about some chapter issues that I was having with my novel and decide on some character traits of a character in a menopause romance short story I am working on. These issues have been dancing around in my head and Saturday was the perfect time to think about them.
Later on I was thinking about what I would say if she came over and asked if she could sit by me. I would tell her that it was nothing personal but I didn’t want her to sit by me because I wanted to be alone. Would I hurt her feelings? Probably.
Why am I hurting her feelings by telling her what I need? I am being honest. This is what I needed at the time. I need to be alone. I could tell her that I would talk to her on Monday or maybe later when I feel like talking but right now I needed to be alone.
I was taught to be nice to people. To put their needs above mine and not to hurt their feelings.
This shit needs to stop.
I will always try to be nice to people, but I need to stop putting people’s needs above mine. I need to put myself first, but how do I get past all of the ingrained stuff in my head? All of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?
I’ve got to take it day by day. One learning experience at a time. And find what works for me.
I know I’m on the right path. I just need to keep moving forward.
Any words of wisdom would be welcome.