I Am One Of Those People

“I don’t want to be one of those people,” I told my husband one day before my class to become a member of his church.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“One of those people who are go to church every Sunday because they are getting married and then once they are married they stop going to church.

Guess what?  I am one of those people.  The last time I was in church was two and a half years ago when my mother in law died.

I love my UCC church.  I feel at peace there.  My husband’s family is there.  Everyone treats me nice and makes me feel like I belong.  I feel closer to God there than I do anywhere else.

The thing is that I feel like a hypocrite when I am there.  I don’t believe in the same things that they believe.  I don’t believe after you die and go to Heaven that is all there is.  I see a bigger picture.  I believe in reincarnation, past lives and that we are here to fulfill a purpose in the greater scheme of things and when that purpose is filled we die.  We die, do whatever we need to do to prepare for our next life and go to our next life, if that is what we need to do.

When I was growing up, religion wasn’t forced down our throats.  My mom is Catholic, but stopped going to church when she married my dad.  I don’t remember my dad’s family talking about church when I was little.   I loved the fact that I didn’t have to get up and go to church on Sunday mornings.  I didn’t have to go to Sunday school and confirmation classes.  I watched cartoons or slept in on Sunday mornings.  Kids at school and in my neighborhood talked about church, but I really didn’t know what they were talking about.  My mom feels bad that she didn’t take us to church and help us develop that part of ourselves.  I’m glad she didn’t because then I could decide for myself what kind of religion, if any, I wanted in my life.

I’ve always been more spiritual, than religious.  I like to be open to different things.  I don’t want someone to tell me that I need to obey certain rules because I am a certain religion.  I don’t think anyone should be able to tell me that I have to be in church this many Sundays a month or that I have to give this amount of money.   To me, this is between God and I and no one else.  If I see something in another church of a different religion that interests me I should be able to go and experience that on a Sunday.  If I want to give money to a cause that touches me in some way I should give money to that instead of giving it to the church that week.  I am more of a free spirit that way.

I was in church this morning for my husband’s niece’s confirmation.   I always wonder if Rev. Roger can sense my beliefs when I shake his hand after the service.  Does he know I don’t believe everything that he believes?  Does he feel that something is off?  Sometimes I think that reverends are closer to God and have a different perspective of things than we do because they have studied religion for so long and are in church almost every day.  It’s almost like they know God better than we do because of the church.

There is a UCC church two blocks away from the new house.  I think I’m going to start going there if Steve leaves out on Sunday morning.  I can walk.   Since it’s in a farm community maybe I won’t have to dress up.  I can go to church when I want.

I learned this morning that this an area of my life that I would like to learn more about myself in.  Maybe explore different religions and go to different services in the area.  I don’t feel rounded in this area in my life.  I feel that maybe something is missing.  Something was definitely speaking to me this morning.  Nudging at me.  Maybe it was more of a feeling.  I would love to take some time and find out what that something  is.

Maybe it’s the next leg of my journey.