Tag: bullied

The first day of kindergarten I cried and cried when my mom left. The teachers told me not to cry. On the way home my mom told me not to cry.

In first grade we lived with my grandma while our house was being built. The two boys that lived next to my grandma chased me home from school a lot. I was scared to walk home. My mom told me a couple of years ago she knew but did nothing to help me. She didn’t wanted to upset my grandma’s neighbor.

The 2nd half of first grade i started at a new school. I didn’t fit in. The popular girls made fun of me. They didn’t like my hair or my voice. The other girls had their own groups.

I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t think anyone would help or be my friend. So I stayed alone.

Fast forward 50 years.

I feel I am kinda in this situation now. 40 years old women acting like they are in grade school and I am on the outside.

And all of these feelings from grade school are coming to the surface. As I feel them I am letting them go.

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me as we all have our own stories of being bullied.

All summer I have felt like the odd man out and I couldn’t figure out why. When I was with these women I felt we were in grade school but I didn’t know why.

My intuition kept telling me to trust my feelings.

I tried to keep to myself. Observing the situation while wondering why I felt the way I did. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did.

Until tonight.

It’s 4 am and I have been laying in bed with my pup. I don’t feel good. Sinus infection. Yucky stomach. I can’t sleep. Too hot. Can’t get comfy.

And out of nowhere these memories come to the surface and suddenly everything makes sense.

In grade school I never felt anyone would help me so I didn’t share I was being bullied. I just took it.

Now I know why I’ve stayed on the outside of the three women. Some of the situations feel like experiences I had grade school.

I have to remind myself it’s different this time. I am in charge. Of myself. Of the situation. Of the way I act. I can walk away.

I’ve been telling myself all summer that I am too old for their behavior. Now I know why.

I don’t need their validation. I am worthy.

I am fine by myself and I enjoy my own company.

It’s nice to understand why I feel the way I do.

I am grateful for the opportunity to let go of all of the hurtful grade school memories that i have been carrying around with me.

They do not define me. I define myself.

I can trust myself and my feelings.

It’s ok to be me no matter what others think.

I am me and I can move forward whether they like what I do or not.

I am fine the way I am.

Thanks for reading my 4 am ramblings.

I feel better. Maybe I am sick so that these feelings could come to the surface and that part of myself can start to heal.

If we don’t heal those areas we will always be in the same place and not beilable to move forward.

Thank you f, w and g for helping me set myself free.