Nope. Not Today.

I left work at lunch today.  I told my boss I was sick.  I’m not really sick.  I’m just sick of the bullshit.  I’m sick of the favoritism.  I’m sick of all of the talking that goes on, even more so now that we are on ten hours mandatory overtime, and I’m sick of nothing being done to stop it.  I’m sick of management not managing.  I’m sick of nothing mattering anymore.

I’m sick of my soul and I not mattering at work.

Wow!  Where did that come from?

I know it’s not the company’s job to make me or my soul matter.  It’s my job and if that is the case, maybe I am in the wrong job.  Or maybe I need to figure out what I need.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do from now until I die.  I want to be doing things that are important.  Things that make my heart and soul sing.  Things that bring out who I really am and what really matters to me.  To have my job as an extension of me.  I want to create and do what interests me.  What calls to me.  What is in my heart.

This is what interests me:  writing, creating, organizing, making the world a better place, random acts of kindness, karma, chakras, kundilini ( not spelled right), positive energy, yoga, love, helping people, research and learning about new things and journaling.

I want to create a new job or jobs besides writing.  I want to bring more of myself out into the world than I am doing today.   I want more.

I want to get to know my soul.

I’ve had two strange dreams in the last week or so.

Dream number one.  “F you, motherf’r” I yelled after my husband as I was throwing things out the door after him.  (I have never done this or have even thought about doing this in real life)  I looked back to see my step daughter and her friend watching me.  “I hope they didn’t see the whole thing,” I thought to myself.  “F that.  I don’t care if they did or not.”  To me this dream says “Here I come.  ready or not.”  That I’m ready to put myself out there no matter what anyone says and that I’m ready to stand up for myself and what I create.  I am ready to fight for what matters to me.

Dream number two.  I was in a public bathroom that was just a room full of toilets. (and people)  No stalls and no doors.  To me this means that I’m getting more comfortable with putting myself out there and for others to see me as I am.  I’m not hiding behind a door.  I am willing to be seen.  I’m guessing at this.  I have not looked at a dream book to figure out the meaning.

I think as I go through my stuff and get rid of and/or shred what I no longer need the more I am letting my real self come out into the open.  I’m not buried beneath stuff.  I think some areas of me need to be heard/seen more than others.  Maybe this is why my job is getting to me now.  It’s because things that are important to me are coming the surface and they don’t match what my current job is.  Or even a little of what my current job is.

Do I even know what my soul is?  I say i do, but do I really.  This is something I need to explore.

I know I have to find time to write.  Working ten hours a day doesn’t give me alot of time to do this, but I need to find the time to do this.  I need to make time to explore my interests and see what comes to the surface and explore those things.

I guess I’m not fulfilled job wise right now and I want to be.  I want something fulfilling that I can do now and into retirement.  Basically for the rest of my life.   Something that I can’t wait to do when I get out of bed.  I do have a couple of ideas that I am working on.

My job has been very good to me, but it just hasn’t been the same these last couple of years with the new management.  It’s frustrating at times, but I get paid well for what I do.

Nope.  Not today.  I wasn’t feeling work today.  I knew I needed to get out of there and spend some time alone.  The 10 hours is getting to me.  I knew writing this post and going through some more of my writing and other things would help to calm me down.

I feel better.  Thanks for being with me on my journey.