I’m Walking Away A Winner

“I can’t do this anymore,” I told my husband on Tuesday morning.  “I’m not spending one more minute of my energy on this house deal.  I think we need to walk.”

I was at my breaking point.

Monday night I came home from work, popped open a beer (which I rarely do) and opened my journal.  My last entry was June 10.  My entry started — I’m angry about this whole house thing.  I wish it was going smoother.  I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult.

And now, a month later, we are still in the same spot.

Unfreakin real.

It was getting ugly.  My Menopause Mad was coming out.  He yelled at me.  I yelled back.  I was using the “f” word.  As I drank my beer I knew we had to walk.  This journey was getting too hard.  The seller didn’t want to talk anymore.  Wait….he only wanted to talk if things were going his way.  If I tried to voice my opposing opinion he wouldn’t let me talk it all (that’s when I started yelling and he backed down).  Jerk!  For the last week I felt as if I was pushing a boulder up a hill.

Two weeks ago we gave him 30 days to find a new house.  I thought that would make the situation easier for everyone, but it was just made it worse.  I have done everything I could to make it work — including bringing moving boxes to them and delivering paperwork to where it needed to go to keep the loan moving forward.  Nothing was appreciated.

I’m done.

It is hard to let go of the house and the plans we had made.   The house was move-in ready except for the kitchen. We had bought back splash and picked out flooring for the kitchen   It wasn’t a major renovation, but the frig and stove needed to be reconfigured because our frig didn’t fit and the half dead dishwasher needed to be removed.  I didn’t want a new dishwasher (what I really want is someone to clean my bathroom!) because I like to do the dishes.  I was so excited to have my own office.

It wasn’t meant to be.  😦

I didn’t write my blog post yesterday because I wanted to give myself time to let the dust settle and process what happened.  I let my feelings come to the surface.  I cried and I realized something…

I didn’t listen to myself.  I didn’t listen to the flashes of intuition that popped into my head every so often.  Usually I’m a happy person, but in one of my flashes I realized I was angry almost every day.  I ignored those flashes because I wanted it to work.  I didn’t want to give up hope.  I didn’t want to start the process of looking for a house all over again so I just kept hanging on.

Dumb.

It seemed like every day I did something to make the loan move forward and I was losing myself.  I didn’t have time to do the things that I wanted to — like write.  I wasn’t spending as much time on my blog as I wanted to.  We weren’t spending weekends at the trailer because we were packing or we had to come back early because we had to send an amendment or do something.  I was losing myself in the process.

Yes, I’m sad that we didn’t get the house, but I’m jumping up and down because I don’t have to deal with the seller anymore.  Yeah for me.

I’m taking a vacation day on Friday and we are going to the trailer for the weekend.  I’m going to sit in a lawn chair and read and write and do what I want to.

I got my life back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divine Guidance…How Does It Work?

“Dad, if you want me to move you’ll have to find us a house.  We have looked and there’s nothing out there,” I said to my deceased father one Thursday night after work.

My dad hated the fact that I lived next to low income apartments.  He would ask, “Doesn’t it bother you coming home to a empty house while Steve is on the road?”  That was four years ago and it really didn’t bother me to come home.  The people in the apartments didn’t bother me.   Once in  great while it would bother me (depending on what tv show I watched) but not enough to worry about anything.

Now, four years later, it bothers me to be alone.  There’s drug deals going on next door and the cops are there almost a lot.  I want to move.  We’ve been looking for a house for the last six months and we have found nothing that fit us.  That’s why I was asking for my dad’s help.  Why not ask for a little help from up above?

I met my husband for breakfast the next morning at a local restaurant we frequent.  We were looking at Realtor.com when one of my favorite waitresses asked if we were looking for a house.

“Why?”  We asked in unison.  We were really getting bummed out about not finding a house.  The market is booming in our area.  Houses are being sold even before the get listed and getting over the list price.   It’s crazy.

“I have a house for sale,” She said and proceeded to tell us about it.

I thought to myself,  “Damn, Dad.  You’re good.”  I took it as a sign.

My husband looked at it that afternoon and I looked at it the next day.  We both loved it so we signed a contract to purchase it.  There was such a awesome vibe in that house…. like love flowed through it.   I felt it as soon as I walked in the door.  It reminded me of the apartment that my aunt and uncle had in Chicago.   The cool vibe was another reason why I thought we should buy it.

On the day of the home inspection there was a cardinal in the back yard.  My best friend, Mary, who passed away ten years ago loved cardinals so I took it as another sign that we were supposed to buy the house.

Things haven’t gone so well since then.  The sellers are moving to a different state and are having trouble finding a house.  The first deal didn’t go through.  It’s been a rough ride.  I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.   I thought because my dad picked out the house it would be a smooth ride.  I thought we had divine intervention, but now I feel like walking away.

I feel like walking away from the deal because the seller called us yesterday morning and blamed us and our bank for all of the problems they have been having.  His true colors came out yesterday and we didn’t like what we saw.   Now I realize why they are having problems with their realtor and seller on their end.

I keep asking myself  “What am I suppose to learn from this?”  The only good thing I can think of  is that my husband and I have grown closer and I love him more than I ever have.    We really communicated through this whole ordeal and have worked together to do everything we could to make this deal work.  I was really looking forward to living in this house with my husband.  This house made him happy and I like seeing him happy.

I know it’s probably stupid, but in a way, if we walk away from this deal I feel like I’m letting my dad down.  Maybe I’m not letting him down.  Maybe there is a higher purpose of this house deal than I realize right now that him and Mary can see, but I can’t.

Sometimes I wish that we could push fast forward and know the future.  I could see the house that we are suppose to buy so I can be on the lookout for it.

Who knows….maybe we are suppose to stay in the house we rent for awhile.

I believe that our loved ones guide us/help us from the other side.  I also believe that we all have a path we are suppose to take and things we have to learn in this lifetime.  I just wish I knew what our path was with this house.

I smelled cigarette smoke today and there was a cardinal that landed on a chair near the fire pit where I could see her in plain view so I know my dad and Mary are around me.  I just wish they were here in human form for me to talk to.

I guess all I can do right now is take a deep breath and let it go.  If we are suppose to buy the house everything will work out and if it doesn’t work on we need to put on our big girl and boy pants and walk away.

Wish me luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth of July = grateful heart

The 4th of July always makes me teary eyed and very grateful for what I have.

Let me share with you what I am grateful for on this 4th of July:

I am grateful for my husband, my family, my in-laws and friends.  I am very lucky to have these people in my life.  They support us, guide us, and are there for us whenever we need them and for this I am grateful.

I am grateful for the four day holiday weekend the great company I work for gave me. It was very gracious of them to give us a floating holiday for Monday so that we could have a four day week.  I sure needed it!

I am grateful for the job that I have and the income it provides to have the things that I want and need.  I’m also grateful for the great friends that I have at work.  We are a tight knit group.  I couldn’t ask for better co-workers.

I am grateful I have the opportunity to write this blog, express myself and to share my story with people from all over the world and for them to share their story with me. Thank you!

I am grateful for the 5th wheel trailer and permanent campsite we have.  My brother has the campsite next to ours and my brother-in-law and his wife have the campsite next to my brother.  It’s close enough to  family and friends so that they can drive out  and share our weekend retreat with us.  I’m grateful for anti gravity lounge chairs.

I am grateful to have a nice ranch house with a beautiful back yard to rent and the upcoming house we are going to purchase.  Hopefully soon…..

I am grateful that I have a nice SUV to drive.  Today I drove back from the campsite alone — Journey blasting from my CD player  — along the Lake Michigan shoreline.  The views were gorgeous.  I love cruising!

I am blessed to live in the United States of America.  We have many freedoms other countries don’t and I try not to take my freedom for granted.  We are very fortunate and for that I am grateful.

God Bless the USA and all of the freedoms we have on this 4th of July.

Should I Get Something In Return For Being Nice?

“What are you getting in return?”  A coworker asked me when I told her we were giving the sellers of the home we are trying to purchase another month to find a house three states away because their deal fell through on the house they were going to purchase.

“Nothing,” I answered.

Her comment made me think.  Should we be getting something in return?  And if so, what would that something be?  A $100 gift card to Menards, Target or Kohl’s?  A cheaper purchase price?  New carpeting in the basement?

I never thought buying a house would be this difficult.  It has been a bumpy ride almost since day one, but we signed a contract to buy the house and I’m going to what I can do to honor that.

I was raised to be nice and to treat others like I want to be treated.  If someone needs help you help them.

Do we always need to get something in return for the good deeds we do?  I don’t think so.  Sometimes you don’t get something in return, but I think that down the road in some form you get compensated.  For example, you might buy a lottery ticket and win $100 or someone gives you something that you really wanted or need for free.

I believe in paying it forward.  I use coupons and coupon apps so I can donate food and household items to my church to go to the food bank.   Every year for our wedding anniversary we donate boxes of school supplies to the church for the grade school they sponsor.  I donate miscellaneous items to the local resale shop to raise funds for the animal shelter they work with.   I put money in people’s parking meters that are out of time so they don’t get tickets.

I don’t believe that every time I do something nice for someone that I deserve something in return.  I don’t believe this should be my focus.  I do good things for people makes me feel good.

I may be more a bitch and more demanding (Yes, I do want the house right now!) in this menopause part of my life, but I think it has softened me in ways.  I think I’m able to see the whole picture of things instead of just my point to view.  It’s easier for me to step back and look at what is going on on my side of this house deal, but to also to see what they are going through.  It can’t be easy for them to buy a house three states away, pack everything they own, secure jobs, etc.

I know the sellers are trying their hardest to make this move happen.  Could they have planned better?  Hell yeah!   But that’s the way life goes sometimes so when your handed lemons you have to make lemonade or try to.

Will we get something in return for the good things we’ve done to get this deal done?  I don’t know.  Maybe. If we do, we do and if we don’t, we don’t.  In the grand scheme of things does it matter?  Not really.  Maybe I feel this way because the house has a good vibe and we are willing to wait for it.  I feel that we have something to learn in that house.  That it has something to teach us.

For today I’m going to be grateful that I don’t have any errands to run for the house loan and I have the morning to myself.

And I have time to write my blog post. 🙂

I Miss My Dad Today

I’m not a big fan of Father’s Day since my dad passed away two and a half years ago.  It’s not the same.  It hurts and I don’t know what to do to fill that void.

I never thought I would be the one to go to the cemetery to visit his crypt or to put flowers in the vase or hang a teddy bear on the vase, but I do.  I want the people that look at his crypt to know he was loved and that we visit to show our love.

Instead of spending time with him today I went to his crypt.  Even though it’s been two and half years I still get teary eyed.  I miss him so much.  I was daddy’s girl and now I’m without a daddy and I hate it.

Today when I kissed my hand and then touched my hand to his name on the crypt it sounded like a hollow knock.  For a brief moment I wondered if he would answer, but then I remembered where I was and that that wasn’t possible.

I wish I could open the crypt and give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I don’t doubt he’s around.  I can feel his presence.  When I smell cigarette smoke when no one else is around I know he’s with me.  I hated the fact that he smoked so now he’s picking on me from the other side with the smell I hate and he’s probably laughing about it.

I miss him.

I miss seeing him sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette.

I miss him joking around.

I miss him saying “Hey kid”.

I miss him asking me “How the big guy (my husband)?” when I walked in the front door.

I miss watching football with him.

I miss his hugs and his smile.

I miss my dad.  My life isn’t the same without him.

I miss him.

Every. Single. Day.

Father’s Day is the hardest day to get through because I know other people are spending time with their dad and I’m not.

When I walked around the campground this morning I saw a family with four small kids — two boys and two girls — and it brought me back to when I was young and my mom, dad, my two brothers, and my sister would go camping in our pop-up.

He was a good dad and a good man.  He taught me to smile, to be nice and to always give back.  And he taught me to shoot pool like a shark.  He had such a big heart and was a very giving man.

Happy Father’s Day Dad.   Thank you for all that I am and all you have given me.

I love you.

I Am Grateful Today

There’s a lot of stuff stressing me out lately.  I’ve been grinding my teeth and I am probably kind of difficult to be around — at home and at work.

We are purchasing a house or trying to….there’s been problems on the sellers side. We’ve done everything we can on our end.  We had the home inspection a couple of weeks ago and we have all of our paper work in order, but that is still not making it any easier.  I never thought buying a house would be this hard.

We are on ten hours of mandatory overtime a day and I don’t want to work it.  We haven’t been very busy this year at work and we’ve only on voluntary overtime so I have been taking it easy and not working the overtime.  I’m down sixty hours of overtime from last year.

Even though my mom and sister and I had a garage sale in April and I sold a ton of stuff I still have more stuff than I thought I did.  I am overwhelmed because I don’t want to deal with my being a hoarder in some areas in my life (like my book collection).  How did I collect so much stuff and not know I had it?  Probably because I put it in a cabinet in the basement.

I spent the afternoon with my sister and had a great time talking and eating pizza on my back deck.  We laughed and goofed around.  Relaxed.

After she left I sat in my husband’s recliner in the living room and looked at the mess in front of me.  Screw it! I said out loud.  This stuff can wait til tomorrow.  For the rest of the day I’m not going to stress on my problems — instead I’m going to be grateful.

Grateful for the great apartment I’m currently renting from my cousin and all of things I have in it and around it.

Grateful that I have a job and that I’m given the opportunity to work overtime and make damn good money working it.

Grateful for the sellers for selling the great house so that we can buy it and that I get my own office that I can’t wait to decorate and write and create in.

Grateful for the great family, in laws and friends I have who are always there for me and love me just the way I am.

Grateful for readers who read and follow my blog.   Your support, encouragement and kind words mean the world to me.

Grateful for my wonderful, caring and amazing husband who I get to share this amazing journey called life with.

Are you grateful today?  Please share your reasons with me.  We can be grateful together.