Possessions and Emotions

I’m beginning to understand why hoarders hoard.  As you may know, with this move I’ve been going through my stuff and I’m not entirely happy with what I have been finding and learning about myself.

While unpacking this week I found 11 college ruled (my favorite) notebooks in a box and 4 other notebooks in other boxes.  Why I felt I had to have 15 notebooks I have no clue.  It’s not like there is going to be a notebook shortage in the future and I will run out.  As far as I know, notebooks are made every day

Even though I haven’t used any of them I know why I bought them.  I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to the world.   I liked the purple color of the cover of one notebooks.  I liked what three of the notebooks said on the front cover.  I liked the flower design on the front cover of two notebooks.   On two of the notebooks I liked the border around the edge of the page.  I know.  Sad, but true

I’m sitting here shaking my head.  I don’t need all of the notebooks so why did I buy them?  I have one notebook in my truck to take notes in or to take in a restaurant with me to work on my novel or blog posts and I have one notebook in the living room to do the same.  But, even so, I currently have four notebooks that are being used for this purpose.  (While we were moving I couldn’t find the notebooks so I bought new ones  Don’t ask).  So why would I need more? I have no clue.

Realizing I have 15 notebooks brings up a lot of emotions.  I can’t believe I’m sharing this with the world, but here it goes.

Embarrassment.  I can’t believe that I have 15 notebooks.  How did I let myself get 15 notebooks?  (This is why I had to get rid of the hutch.  It was helping me hoard)  How did I not know I had 15 notebooks?  It’s so ridiculous to me that I would spend money on buying something I already had more than enough of.  Also, it makes me realize that I really don’t know myself and I how I operate in that area of my life.

Overwhelmed.  I learned that I buy stuff based on feeling.  Not if I need it or not, but on feeling.  That’s not exactly the smartest way to shop.  Yesterday I went through my notebooks.  I sat in my notebook shit and dealt with all of the feelings that came to the surface.   I’ve decided to keep 3 or 4 notebooks.  Maybe two.  I just can’t keep all of this shit.  I’m going to donate the notebooks to a local school where people who really need them can use them.

Anger.  Why am I a hoarder?  What part of myself do I have to change to become a non hoarder?  I am pissed off because that money could have been used to buy other things.  I know I am being too hard on myself but what the hell was I thinking?  15 notebooks?  Seriously?  I can only guess how having these notebooks and other stuff have clogged up my life so I couldn’t let stuff I really wanted/needed in.  Maybe this is why I have issues with money.  I buy stuff I really don’t need.

Sad.   I think on some level I knew I was a hoarder, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I have to let go of this unneeded stuff and I’m sad.  I know it’s going to open up my life to let knew stuff in, but still I’m a little sad.  For some reason I enjoy having stuff.

I feel like a dumb ass for having the notebooks.  I’m suppose to be an adult who is capable of making competent decisions.  I’m seeing a part of myself that I didn’t realize fully was there.  At 53.  What the hell took so long.

Excuse me, but I must go.  I have to find a box to put my notebooks in so I can take them to a good home.

I’ll be going through my  hoarders pile of books next.   Oh shit.  I’m in trouble.