I’m beginning to understand why hoarders hoard. As you may know, with this move I’ve been going through my stuff and I’m not entirely happy with what I have been finding and learning about myself.
While unpacking this week I found 11 college ruled (my favorite) notebooks in a box and 4 other notebooks in other boxes. Why I felt I had to have 15 notebooks I have no clue. It’s not like there is going to be a notebook shortage in the future and I will run out. As far as I know, notebooks are made every day
Even though I haven’t used any of them I know why I bought them. I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to the world. I liked the purple color of the cover of one notebooks. I liked what three of the notebooks said on the front cover. I liked the flower design on the front cover of two notebooks. On two of the notebooks I liked the border around the edge of the page. I know. Sad, but true
I’m sitting here shaking my head. I don’t need all of the notebooks so why did I buy them? I have one notebook in my truck to take notes in or to take in a restaurant with me to work on my novel or blog posts and I have one notebook in the living room to do the same. But, even so, I currently have four notebooks that are being used for this purpose. (While we were moving I couldn’t find the notebooks so I bought new ones Don’t ask). So why would I need more? I have no clue.
Realizing I have 15 notebooks brings up a lot of emotions. I can’t believe I’m sharing this with the world, but here it goes.
Embarrassment. I can’t believe that I have 15 notebooks. How did I let myself get 15 notebooks? (This is why I had to get rid of the hutch. It was helping me hoard) How did I not know I had 15 notebooks? It’s so ridiculous to me that I would spend money on buying something I already had more than enough of. Also, it makes me realize that I really don’t know myself and I how I operate in that area of my life.
Overwhelmed. I learned that I buy stuff based on feeling. Not if I need it or not, but on feeling. That’s not exactly the smartest way to shop. Yesterday I went through my notebooks. I sat in my notebook shit and dealt with all of the feelings that came to the surface. I’ve decided to keep 3 or 4 notebooks. Maybe two. I just can’t keep all of this shit. I’m going to donate the notebooks to a local school where people who really need them can use them.
Anger. Why am I a hoarder? What part of myself do I have to change to become a non hoarder? I am pissed off because that money could have been used to buy other things. I know I am being too hard on myself but what the hell was I thinking? 15 notebooks? Seriously? I can only guess how having these notebooks and other stuff have clogged up my life so I couldn’t let stuff I really wanted/needed in. Maybe this is why I have issues with money. I buy stuff I really don’t need.
Sad. I think on some level I knew I was a hoarder, but I didn’t want to deal with it. I know I have to let go of this unneeded stuff and I’m sad. I know it’s going to open up my life to let knew stuff in, but still I’m a little sad. For some reason I enjoy having stuff.
I feel like a dumb ass for having the notebooks. I’m suppose to be an adult who is capable of making competent decisions. I’m seeing a part of myself that I didn’t realize fully was there. At 53. What the hell took so long.
Excuse me, but I must go. I have to find a box to put my notebooks in so I can take them to a good home.
I’ll be going through my hoarders pile of books next. Oh shit. I’m in trouble.