My brother and my brother in law (my sister’s husband) are fighting. It’s over a truck axle and a loss of $800 for my brother. It happened over four years ago. I don’t know the exact details, but I do know how it has negatively affected our family. I know my brother in law would talk to my brother face to face about it, but my brother will not. After four years he is still angry. I mean angry and this anger rules his life.
If it were a non family member that my brother was angry with I wouldn’t have thought twice about the anger in his life, but since it is my brother in law and I have to deal with my brother’s anger, I’ve thought a lot about it since Thanksgiving. My brother’s anger runs so deep that he’s pushing people away. He puts a damper on the holidays because he feels he is right and everyone else is wrong. He complains about being alone on holidays, but he chooses not to come to family gatherings because my brother in law will be there. He is invited. He chooses not to go. He isn’t honest about why he doesn’t go. He won’t admit to people that he’s been angry for the last four years and won’t let it go.
That’s just it. He won’t let it go. He won’t even acknowledge that my brother in law is in the room except for when he says a hurtful comment. He could bury the hatchet. He could call my brother in law and ask if they could talk. He won’t admit that he might be wrong or in any part had anything to do with what happened. It’s all my brother in law’s fault. My brother speaks poorly of my sister and her family. Four years later. He also blames my sister. He thinks that she should have stepped in and done something in his defense. The funny thing is is that he hasn’t stepped up to the plate and done anything to fix things except hold onto his anger for four years.
How long does a person have a right to hold on his or her anger? I think it’s ridiculous that it has gone on this long. That said, my brother has always operated from a place of anger. I’m not like that. I refuse to be like that. I can’t stay angry at anyone long. I believe in communication. I believe in talking through problems. My brother is so consumed by his anger that he doesn’t see there is another way. Love. Peace. I think since my brother has held onto his anger for so long it really isn’t my brother in law’s fault anymore. It’s my brother’s. My brother’s anger is the issue now. Not what happened between them.
My brother thinks he is right. It’s his right to think this. This is his perspective. What I don’t think he realizes is that being right has a cost. He has lost four Christmas Eve’s with his family because he would rather sit home alone and dwell on his anger and how he was wronged than spend time with his family. On other holidays when we are at my mom’s (she lives with him, but that’s another post) he says hurtful comments because he is angry. Those angry words, even though he thinks he has a right to say them, can’t be taken back. Sure, he can apologize for them, but at the end of the day the hurt behind the words will always be there. Always remembered. He’s missing out on having a relationship with me, my sister and my brother because he pushes us away with his anger. I don’t think he realizes it. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t listen. He’s right. Everyone else is wrong. End of story. What a sad way to live. I wish I could get inside his head and understand why he thinks the way he does. I try to talk to him. I get snide comments. I invite him to come to our trailer, but he won’t because my sister and brother in law might be there. His anger has closed him off from so many things and so many people. I don’t know what to do help him so I just stay away. I visit my mom when he’s not there. I don’t know what else to do.
This issue has made me look at my own anger. Right away I think of the house we lost and the $675.00 we lost. Yes, I was angry, but my anger has died down. After thinking about how my brother holds onto his anger I decided that I can’t hold onto the any anger I have about losing the house. I think if they wanted to sit and talk about what happened I would talk to them. I’m not sure my husband would. For me, I have to let that anger go. It happened over six months ago and I can’t hold onto that anger anymore. I wish it would have turned out differently, but it didn’t and I have to accept that. Holding onto that anger isn’t going to do anything positive for me. It’s going to hold me back. I don’t want to be held back. I want to move forward. I want to live.
My brother is over weight (over three hundred pounds and 6 feet tall) and has high blood pressure. Now I understand why. I can only imagine how holding in all of that anger and all of the other negative emotions puts strain on his heart and other organs. It’s sad that he’s too caught up in his anger to see this. Holding onto that anger is affecting his health in more ways than he realizes. I’m afraid his anger is going to kill him.
I do realize that people get angry. Hell, I get angry and I get angry faster and more often than ever. Because I don’t really get mad that often, I didn’t know how to deal with anger I felt and how quickly my temper flared. I felt I had to deal with my anger issues after an episode at the campground where I couldn’t get the anti-gravity chair to open and I almost threw it much the amazement of my husband, my brother, and my husband’s brother and his wife. I was surprised of how quickly I could get angry. I loose my patience quickly and snap easily. I didn’t like the anger I felt and I knew I had to find a positive way to deal with it. Luckily through my work I get five free counseling sessions a year through EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I did go see a counselor. She helped me learn that we all have trigger points and what to do when we get to these points and how to stay away from our trigger points.
It’s almost 2018. Don’t you think that my brother would want to start the year fresh and not carry over any resentment into 2018? I doubt if he sees it this way. I don’t see why we just can’t all get along. I know this is easier said than done. I know some people aren’t easy to get along with, but I think those people just need more love in their lives. In my brother’s case he just pushes it away, but I do things to show him I love him anyway. He gets mad and makes crude comments, but I show him anyway. I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I guess I stay away because I never know what mood he is in and what is going to come out of his mouth. Maybe I’m closed off.
I just wish he would let go of his anger so we could be a family again. This would be a wonderful gift to give my mom. To have all of her children laughing, talking and enjoying each others company in the same room.
6 thoughts on “My Brother’s Anger”
It’s funny that you wrote about this topic, because I’ve been thinking of the same thoughts. (Well, not so funny. We’re oddly in sync sometimes). I’m working on thoughts about how we need to forgive and get in, because like you said, the anger is stifling!! I hope all goes well for your family. There is nothing worse than the tension
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Hi Chrissy. I know a lot of people who are estranged from family members over stupid things. I read a book a few years ago called “Why Forgive” about people who chose to forgive horrible things because the anger was ruining them. I hope your brother comes around.
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I’m see if my library has the book. Thanks for the suggestion. 😁
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It’s a paperback. If you want it, I’ll send it to you. It’s quite compelling. Send me a personal note with your address and it’s yours. Merry Christmas
Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. I returned the favor and really enjoyed your writing. Just pray for his personal growth and healing. Sometimes people feel like they need to hold on to the grudge because they think would give them the upper hand in the situation. Plus, misery loves company, right?
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Right. Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. Good idea to pray for him. I will try that. Have a great day!