I’m Walking Away A Winner

“I can’t do this anymore,” I told my husband on Tuesday morning.  “I’m not spending one more minute of my energy on this house deal.  I think we need to walk.”

I was at my breaking point.

Monday night I came home from work, popped open a beer (which I rarely do) and opened my journal.  My last entry was June 10.  My entry started — I’m angry about this whole house thing.  I wish it was going smoother.  I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult.

And now, a month later, we are still in the same spot.

Unfreakin real.

It was getting ugly.  My Menopause Mad was coming out.  He yelled at me.  I yelled back.  I was using the “f” word.  As I drank my beer I knew we had to walk.  This journey was getting too hard.  The seller didn’t want to talk anymore.  Wait….he only wanted to talk if things were going his way.  If I tried to voice my opposing opinion he wouldn’t let me talk it all (that’s when I started yelling and he backed down).  Jerk!  For the last week I felt as if I was pushing a boulder up a hill.

Two weeks ago we gave him 30 days to find a new house.  I thought that would make the situation easier for everyone, but it was just made it worse.  I have done everything I could to make it work — including bringing moving boxes to them and delivering paperwork to where it needed to go to keep the loan moving forward.  Nothing was appreciated.

I’m done.

It is hard to let go of the house and the plans we had made.   The house was move-in ready except for the kitchen. We had bought back splash and picked out flooring for the kitchen   It wasn’t a major renovation, but the frig and stove needed to be reconfigured because our frig didn’t fit and the half dead dishwasher needed to be removed.  I didn’t want a new dishwasher (what I really want is someone to clean my bathroom!) because I like to do the dishes.  I was so excited to have my own office.

It wasn’t meant to be.  😦

I didn’t write my blog post yesterday because I wanted to give myself time to let the dust settle and process what happened.  I let my feelings come to the surface.  I cried and I realized something…

I didn’t listen to myself.  I didn’t listen to the flashes of intuition that popped into my head every so often.  Usually I’m a happy person, but in one of my flashes I realized I was angry almost every day.  I ignored those flashes because I wanted it to work.  I didn’t want to give up hope.  I didn’t want to start the process of looking for a house all over again so I just kept hanging on.

Dumb.

It seemed like every day I did something to make the loan move forward and I was losing myself.  I didn’t have time to do the things that I wanted to — like write.  I wasn’t spending as much time on my blog as I wanted to.  We weren’t spending weekends at the trailer because we were packing or we had to come back early because we had to send an amendment or do something.  I was losing myself in the process.

Yes, I’m sad that we didn’t get the house, but I’m jumping up and down because I don’t have to deal with the seller anymore.  Yeah for me.

I’m taking a vacation day on Friday and we are going to the trailer for the weekend.  I’m going to sit in a lawn chair and read and write and do what I want to.

I got my life back!